Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 2
by Rick Spiff
Summary: The goons are back! Attempts to make things less crazy back-fire spectacularly as the goons try to explain their mysterious new powers. We're a few years late, but here's the next book in the Goon Saga!
1. Chapter 1

Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 2: Better Late Than Never

Chapter 1: When the Lunatics Run the Asylum / Picking up the Pieces

* * *

Yellow sunlight knifed into the apartment through open blinds, carving a perfect monochrome image of the windows onto the floor. Bland materials and beige paint ruled the abode. Minimal, tasteful decorations filled out the space, accentuated the kitchen, and in the living room a nice couch faced a huge entertainment center. Just a normal pad built in a land of fantasy where fate was decided by battles between monsters.

Home.

The goons entered one at a time and stood in the tiny entryway. The space was intended to hold one's outside shoes, as was the custom in Japan. They were not Japanese. They were American, and fit in the entryway as sardines fit in a tin can, but without all of the elbow and breathing room sardines enjoyed. Without bothering to shuck their shoes, they shuffled slowly to the card table set in the open area adjacent to the kitchen.

The largest sported widow peaks digging into coarse black hair that reminded one of electrical experiments gone awry. His square face wore a deep frown, perched over a thick neck that merged with a heavily muscled body. His clothes were simple-a loose hawaiian print shirt and bermuda shorts. Sturdy leather sandals graced his feet.

Next sat an American just a fistful of centimeters shorter and half a Japanese Schoolgirl lighter. A wiry frame filled out a white tee shirt and black pants. Messy blond hair exploded above a face that held a hint of a come hither smirk.

The last one stood. Brown hair over wire-rimmed glasses that blocked any view of his eyes with lens glare. A build larger than the smaller, but smaller than the larger. He sneered down his nose at the world, a snide remark loaded and ready. Crisp black polo shirt and dress slacks? Naturally, the former sporting a NERV logo over on the breast, and the latter stopping over a pair of leather dress shoes. Hair? Combed.

The blond one, Jared, glanced at the one in glasses. "Alright, explain this plan."

John, he of the glaring glasses, ignored Jared's question and pointed to He of the huge hair, Andy. "Go unplug anything that tells time: alarm clocks, the VCR, the microwave... take down the wall clock, then put your Mini-MAGI in this drawer." John slid out the drawer to an end table. Inside were coasters and bottle caps.

Andy sighed as if the monumental weight of the task had pressed the air out of him, but complied, pulling off the supercomputer that resembled an over-large watch.

"Jared, Mini-MAGI? Then draw the blinds, if you please."

Jared did so with a frown. "Now what?"

John added his own Mini-MAGI to the drawer and closed it, then moved to the phone, disabling the device at the wall connection. "We'll also need our net connection disabled. Cable too. Unhook the door ringer while you're at it. No TV, no computers, no phones, nothing that lets the outside world in."

With Misato's ultimatum of an answer due in less than twenty-four hours, every minute was valuable and a handful of the precious things slipped by while the goons finished following John's instructions. Once satisfied, John sat at the small folding table as kings sat upon thrones, a small notepad and folder before him. "Okay, where are we?"

"Retconning?" Andy prompted.

"We are in the Apartment of Time and Requirement." After Andy and Jared finished with their exaggerated 'oohs' and 'ahhs,' he continued. "In here, time flows ten times as quickly as it does outside. You have to believe this. No, stronger than that, you have to know it as established fact. The days it will take to get our story straight must pass by like Dragonball Z days."

"Why?" Andy asked.

"Because it's the only way to-"

"Why is it suddenly faster than the rest of the world. I need a reason."

"Because... Go turn on the dishwasher."

The huge goon went to the kitchen and opened the small machine. "It's empty."

"Just turn it on."

Andy frowned, but did as asked.

"There, you turned the dishwasher on without any dishes in there. That activates the effect."

"Wasting water messes with the time stream?"

"Yes, don't you know anything about science?"

"Clearly not... Right, ten days in twenty-four hours. We're going to have to move up our grocery shopping to tomorrow then, I mean in three days we're going to," Andy shook his head, "In three days we're going to have to go to the store this morning..."

"Stop thinking about it," John offered helpfully.

Jared stood and began a little shadow boxing. "So what all are we doing? I mean, NERV's pissed, but what do we need to change to fix things?"

"Well, fixing things is our first problem, but we have to consider that very real possibility that we're stuck here. A quick fix now needs to consider our impact on the entire storyline."

"So, do we just erase everyone else's memories so that A/C unit was struck by lightning?"

Andy and John glared at Jared.

"What? We don't want to be super powerful since the universe adjusts itself by making everyone else super powerful as well. The only other option is to make us normal."

Andy spoke to the Pervert as one would to a particularly slow three year old. "Foolish Waddell, I am stronger than any human."

Jared rolled his eyes.

"Define... normal." John requested.

"We are not normal," said Andy, and was ignored for the second time in nearly as many seconds.

"We have powers that anyone can acquire, but only through years of extremely difficult training. Certain individuals-like the high level officers of a secret military organization looking after a bunch of giant biomechanical weapons, for example-may have acquired similar training."

"So you're thinking that if Misato and Ritsuko can throw ki blasts, they won't want to kill us and dissect the corpses for having the same abilities?" John nodded. "I like it."

Jared considered John's analysis. "Okay, but I was just thinking it would be nice to have backup."

"Both of those would be good results. So, how do we get this training?" Andy asked.

"The brilliant part, my dear Mucha, is that with the retcon, we'll already have it, along with suitable memories."

"Really?"

Jared smiled like a politician. "Your brain won't know the difference."

"Oh," Andy blinked, "Like Total Recall."

John cleared his throat. "That said, I don't want to bank on us just being more powerful than the average ki-wielding idiot."

"Thanks," Jared deadpanned.

"I want to have an ace up my sleeve. Scratch that. I want to have a whole deck of exploding aces up each sleeve and a platoon of angry Marines armed to the teeth right behind me."

"You want to cheat."

John frowned. "I want us to ass-pull a huge powerup whenever we need to, without the Angels doing the same thing in every damn fight."

"We can crush them with our invincible spirit!" Andy thundered.

"Do you even listen to me, ever, Andy? Seriously! I just said we need to be more powerful than the average ki-wielding idiot!"

"Okay, geeze. So we need a miracle ass-pull technique. What else do we need to do?"

"Defeat the Eva Effect." John announced.

"Um, by planning to fight all of the Angels and go through the End of Evangelion and all that, aren't we by definition bowing to the Eva Effect?"

"Bowing to it, working with it; that's all fine. I'm talking about losing our minds and becoming useless, or worse, getting ourselves killed."

"Fail-safes," Andy muttered. "You want us to build fail-safes into our pasts so that we can always overcome the Eva Effect in our hour of need."

"Exactly," John said. "Fail-safes. What kind of fail-safes could we use?"

Jared scratched his chin. "Okay, this is something we'd want buried fairly deep, like a commitment to a lost love. Something that gives us the strength to go on when it seems like all is lost."

"You're really getting into this," John commented.

Jared smirked. "I smolder with generic rage."

"Good for you. Seriously though, this would work the power for suffering angle nicely: We go through hellish training for our incredible abilities, but suffering a huge injustice automatically makes us sympathetic characters, while at the same time tempering our darker impulses."

"I like the idea of making us related to literal gods," Andy offered.

John thought on the proposal for a minute. "Then we would probably have to face them at the End of Evangelion."

"We'd have godly powers too." Andy continued.

Jared nodded. "That's possible."

John made some more notes. "I'm betting that we can use some of our retcon powers to make it so SEELE and whoever is on their side can't outnumber NERV with ki-adept and other people with tragic pasts and crazy powers. Hmm... we could probably limit how many people are descended from gods."

"Is that a reasonable assumption, or a wild guess?" Jared asked.

John sighed. "Guess. You know how many unknowns we're working around."

"Yeah..."

"High level NERV people knowing ki techniques. There might not be a way around that. NERV people knowing how to deal with ki users? Hmm. Ritsuko wants her notebook back as well, that's going to make things... complicated."

Jared sat up. "I've been wondering, what does she need with that notebook?"

"It's the Angel Compatibility Project."

"Which is..." Jared made a 'go on' gesture.

"How NERV grows an Angel embryo into an Evangelion and controls it."

Jared tapped his fingers on the table, staring into space.

Andy rubbed his hands together. "So... you're going to burn that notebook and destroy the embryo?"

"I have reason to believe it's already grown."

"If it isn't one thing..." Jared grumbled. "Now what?"

"You help me."

"Do what, exactly?"

John picked his words carefully. "Build a system to let a human pilot it."

Andy grunted. "You mean one of us."

John gestured to indicate his lack of caring about it either way.

"I'll work something out, but basically we're going to need a damn artificial intelligence to keep the Angel from mind-raping the pilot." Jared decided.

"Why?" John asked.

"Well, the dummy plug system is like the brain and nervous system of a Rei clone with implanted memories, hooked up to a life-support system and a machine intelligence chip inside of an entry plug."

"Okay, and thanks for the horrifying imagery."

"You're welcome, but the brain and nervous system... for lack of a better term, holds the attention of the Angel, while the chip overrides the Angel's attempts to control the flesh and injects commands into the flesh, which in turn affect the Angel's body."

"So this artificial intelligence..."

"Well, for a pilot to actually have control, you need something that understands the nervous system signals of both pilot and Angel, and adapts one to the other."

"So it's like a translator."

"Well, there's more to it than that. Most of the autonomous functions need feedback. You can't walk without a sense of balance, so some signals need to pass from Angel to pilot, and you need a system that's literally intelligent enough to tell the difference between the two so separate the Angel's will from the needed nerve input. It'd be like plucking specific raindrops out of the air with chopsticks while blindfolded, and missing the wrong ones sets off a nuke. Unless..."

John and Andy waited in silence for a minute.

"Unless what?" John finally asked.

"I have an idea."

Another minute passed in silence.

"And your idea is..." Andy asked.

"Well, I think it may be possible to have an AI kind of merge with the pilot in such a way that the pilot overrides the will of the Angel and possess it, For lack of a better term. Then synching would be a lot more like piloting a normal Evangelion. It'd be easier, that's for sure."

"Either way, we need to build an AI to make this work," John stated. "That will require a retcon to make."

"I agree."

"I also agree, but under protest." Andy said, "I am not letting some computer mess with my neurons."

"Fine. We good so far?" Jared asked John.

The glasses one checked his notes. "We've covered ki abilities, ass-pull power ups, dummy plug system... oh, what about the Rei clones?"

"What about them?"

"What if..." John gulped. "What if this Rei dies?"

Jared shrugged. "Then we get a new model. What's the problem?"

"That machine kind of brainwashes them."

"Another guess?" Andy ventured.

"I've been down there," said John.

"...Wow, you are fucked in the head."

"Are you going to help me deprogram her or not?"

"Sure, I'll help. She's definitely... something."

Andy grunted.

"Speak up if you've got a problem, Waddell."

"Oh, just thinking about brainwashing in the context of our pasts."

"Think away. Mass production Evangelions, where do we stand on those?"

"They will be a considerable challenge," Andy admitted. "But their powers are only significant because of their number."

"Good observation, dude. We just need to fight strategically when they show up. Angels?"

Andy began reciting. "Bombing Angel. Hacking Angel. Angel in pocket dimension. Angel taking over an Evangelion. Angel of Might. Hologram mind-rape Angel. Weird DNA strand thingy. Tabris."

"So how to we get to the Good Ending?"

"I think our pasts are going to have the most influence on that, dude." Jared scratched his chin again. "Okay, so we're needing an AI anyway, that can deal with the hacking Angel. The bombing Angel doesn't stand a chance since we have ki attacks. The pocket dimension is going to be difficult..."

"Do our ki attacks in an Eva have the kind of range and speed we need to kill the tenth?"

"Um... no."

"Oh, I know!" Andy shouted. "An Eva railgun!"

"Dude! We are NOT building a railgun for a fucking Evangelion!"

"Um, Ritsuko was planning to."

Much shouting was directed John's way, mostly angry.

"Not my idea!"

"You kept this a secret from us!" Andy said, outraged.

"Of course I did. You two couldn't help yourselves around a weapon that powerful."

Jared glared at John. "So that's one of your aces? Overwhelming firepower? You just said you didn't want to rely on that."

"I said I didn't just want to rely on it."

Jared waved off the reminder as if dismissing a bad smell. "So after that, we just shoot every Angel that comes along?"

"Well, I don't know if it will have any useful impact on the twelfth, but if number thirteen takes over an Eva we can easily replace and the pilot isn't inside of it... I suppose that would work."

"We'd need it for the fourteenth." Andy admitted.

"But the Angels will have adapted a bit by then. We'd better have something else up our sleeves."

"Adapted? To a railgun over a hundred feet long? How would that even work?"

"I don't know, Angels don't really play by the rules."

"Neither do we." John growled. "Ritsuko had it built, it's in our laps, we're going to use it blow the damn things back to where they came from. We'll take the Good Ending by force if necessary. Now, we need to finish fine-tuning our pasts. Who's with me!" He finished his speech with a Pose.

Jared and Andy golf clapped, then stood as well.

"I've got some ideas along the smolder with generic rage angle," Jared said.

"I think I know what my past will consist of," Andy added.

"I have some ideas about mine, but I don't like all of them." John shrugged. "Oh well, with great sacrifice comes great power, right?"

"Right. Oh, what about our fiction?"

"That's what we're talking about, Jared."

"No, I mean our fan fiction and original stuff."

"We need to retcon our pasts."

"I know that, but I kind of like writing, you know. I'm just worried about writing that part clean out. What if we need our creative abilities to pull another retcon and they're aren't there because we write them out this time?"

"...I see. Well, we can work in our creative abilities."

"Oh, I can finally write the script to Action Movie?" Andy brightened up.

"Dude, you need a better title than that. And wasn't that a trilogy?"

Andy nodded. "A better title can wait until we wrap up shooting."

John waved his arms around to get the attention of the other goons. "Guys! Our pasts, effects on the Evangelion universe!"

"Hey, we aren't going to write it now, we're just going to put it into our pasts."

John huffed.

"Look, I'm just going to put together a story. A gripping political thriller with a painter living on foreign soil. He uses contacts made in a past life covering up crimes to... something something something, cue several explosions, he gets the girl in the end."

"You already tried to write that story, it didn't work out."

"I need to add some boats. That'll slow down the chase sequence and let me build tension in the third act."

"That will be a bit weird to see you actually finish Deep Blue."

Jared frowned. "I was going to finish it someday."

"And now you're going to abuse this retcon to cheat actually writing it."

"But John, my brain won't know the difference."

John sighed. "I suppose I could pen a bit of fan fiction in my spare time. Are we all on the same page here? We need to write our pasts, not stories that catch our fancy. This time is precious."

"Speaking of time, what about those groceries?"

John thought about the problem for a few seconds, then fixed Andy with a look. Aiming for hypnotic, but landing on stoned instead. "The Apartment of Spirit and Time provides all that we require."

"But-"

"ALL THAT WE REQUIRE."

Jared raised a hand to interrupt. "But-"

"ALL. THAT. WE. REQUIRE."

"But-" Andy tried again.

John leaned over the slightly large goon. "If you want to lay your neck upon a chopping block and hand Ritsuko an axe, then usher in a dozen ki-blast firing idiot martial artists, go for it. If not, man up."

* * *

Twenty-four hours later, or ten days subjective time, John awoke with a start. The incomprehensible scribbling of a madman lay across the table like a crime scene. One note exclaimed 'the penguins are delicious!' Hazy best described his memory of last night, but he was reasonably certain penguins were not on the menu. He checked under the folding table and found only empty Mt. Dew cans. He cleaned up the mess, shaking off the sense of unease looking at the notes brought over him.

The goon tried to check the day's schedule on his Mini-MAGI, only to find himself staring at a hairy wrist. Puzzled, he checked for the clock in the living room, but it was missing. Some miscreant had unplugged the microwave and it just blinked at him once he addressed that problem. Same story with the VCR. Even the blinds were drawn. "Most curious," he mused, opening the blinds. Yellow rays of morning sunlight hit him right in the face. Warm, but stoking the fires of the faint headache gathering between his temples.

The doorbell rang.

"Figures," he muttered. As he passed the end-table, he paused to check the drawer, and did a double-take. His Mini-MAGI lay there. Jared's and Andy's Mini-MAGI kept it company. Frowning, he strapped his on, punching the 'door open' button with his elbow.

Misato stood on the landing, dressed for work and wearing a pair of sunglasses. Behind her, the day was equally beautiful. The city was awake and the air blowing through the orifice was pleasantly cool. She regarded the goon silently for several seconds, then cocked her head to one side.

John had to fight the urge to flinch when she moved, expecting her to put some iron to his forehead. After a dozen seconds, no threats of murder were thrust upon him, and he felt the need to answer the implied question. "Good morning, Major. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" He had to think hard on what she might be asking about to remember the ACP notebook and decide not to talk about it. There was something else... something about his past.

"Done yet?" The Major asked, sounding tired.

"The plays," John said. "How Andy, Jared, and I learned to use ki attacks."

Her brows dropped, resting on top of the sunglasses. "Did you three spend the last twenty-four hours playing video games and totally forget my request?"

Quickly, "No." Wave as if to dismiss the very idea. "No, of course not. We worked hard on fulfilling your request, but you realize there is quite a lot of backstory we're having to dredge up-"

"Make up," she injected.

"I can't speak for Andy and Jared, but I'm just remembering things that are very difficult for me to remember. I'm going to need a round or two of drinks after this. Maybe a dozen rounds."

"You look like you've been drinking."

"I'm thinking of taking it up. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to write plays for sock puppets?"

"Sounds rough," Misato deadpanned. "But NERV needs to know exactly who trained you. Also, Doctor Akagi asked if I would gather her notebook from your vile clutches when I stopped by."

"I'll... return it. Soon. To the proper authorities. Intact."

"I'll relay that her. Oh, and your official boss wants to know when you plan on strolling into work today. Said he has to work on his drive."

"Leave him wondering; I'm going to go back to bed. I think I slept all of five minutes in the last forty-eight hours, and between the jail cells, Jared's car, that restaraunt... dear God just let me sleep."

She stared at him for another minute, eyes hidden behind her sunglasses. "Okay, pilot. I'll see you at the office later, okay?"

"You... aren't mad?"

"Hell yes I'm mad, but repairing my A/C unit is on your dime, not mine. And your other boss can deal. He wasn't really all that upset that you guys took a day off, but this morning he started harassing me before I even left for work. Just deal with him."

"Right. I'll see you at the office."

Misato looked at him for ten seconds longer than necessary, as if waiting for him to collapse, then turned, gave a little titillating wave, and sauntered slowly out of view.

John pushed the 'door close' button, sighed, and rested his head against the door for a period of time that could have been seconds or hours. When he found the strength, he pulled his head away from the door and stumbled straight to his room.

* * *

Hours later, John stood in his room, frozen in place. He felt like he should have been able to move, but he wasn't about to argue with the rope of living fire that tied him to a metal post covered in runes. A figure of indistinct shadow stood less than half meter away, staring at him with eyes that burned with an unholy, purple fire.

"[Not long now.]" It taunted him.

John didn't deign to reply to the monster. Any satisfaction he could deny it was a victory. He would deal with these chains soon enough...

"[All done struggling?] [Has the fight really gone out of you... just like that?]"

John sighed. "Don't bet on it, demon. You're still more trapped than I am at."

"[Yes.]" The thing sounded contemplative. "[At this moment.]"

John laughed. "At this moment, Andy's going to wake me up with his screaming."

"[What screaming?]"

Andy's voice broke faintly into the room, screaming about some creature being quiet.

John smiled. "Until next time?"

The demon growled, the purple fire flaring briefly. "[It will be sooner than you think.]"

"Thanks for the info."

Andy yelled again, and John sat up in his bed. Not chained to a weird metal post with fire any more, he should have been relieved. He should have been thankful that weird nightmare was over.

Of course, he would have to put an end to that nightmare himself to be relieved.

He shook his head and turned over, glancing briefly at the bedside clock. Two forty-five? Who did he have to kill to get some shuteye around here?

* * *

Around the same time, Andy sat bolt upright in his bed to a symphony of clicking. "Damn it."

"Sorry," A voice in his room replied. The word tumbled out in a cadence of distinctive clicks and buzzes that bounced around the room like a swarm of killer bees with a Shakespeare obsession.

Andy glared at the seven foot tall cicada in his room, pointed at the bedroom door, and started shouting. "Get off my bed!"

"That's not very nice," the cicada stood as requested.

"Hold that thought while I squish you!" Andy began feeling around the floor next to his bed. "Where'd my shoes go?"

"I'm wearing your shoes."

Andy shook a Fist of Great Rage in the air. "Curse you, Melampsalta montana!"

The buzzing increased in volume. "And I'm not from Europe. We're in Japan."

Andy frowned for a moment. "Well... I don't know that much Japanese."

"Taxonomical inaccuracies aside, my species arose as a result of climate changes brought about by Second Impact. I am a Japanese Super-Cicada."

"You sound like a comic book author; genetic drift doesn't happen over the course of a single generation and further-" Andy ran his hands through his head and drew a sharp breath. "AAH! Now I'm having nightmares about discussing sciency type stuff!"

"What makes you think this is a nightmare?" The giant cicada asked. The clicking and buzzing noise was a titanic wave of noise, filling the room.

Andy pinched his own forearm, and suddenly sat up in his bed. His room was dark and missing a cicada that could play center for the Chicago Bulls. The window was open, and the song of millions of horny male cicadas cut through the night air like a rock through wet Kleenex. Andy's eyebrow twitched. He slowly rose and stood on his bed, jerked the window completely open, and screamed at the Tokyo-3 skyline. "It's-" Andy paused to check his bedside clock, then returned to the window. "It's two forty-five in the fucking morning! BE SILENT, YE LOWLY CREATURES! THE TIME TO SCREW HAS PASSED AND THE TIME TO SLEEP HAS COME!"

He listened a for a moment while the cicadas completely ignored him, then sighed. "I hate those things."

He shut the window. Then he left the room.

* * *

Jared looked up from his beer and a huge stack of papers to watch Andy lurch down the hallway to the living room and the only light that was still on in the apartment.

"Couldn't sleep?" Jared asked. The larger goon looked like he'd been rudely awoken by a terrible nightmare.

"Talking cicadas," Andy growled.

Jared blinked, gave the can of Japanese beer in his hand a wary look, and set the aluminum container on the card table as if it might explode. "If it talks and it shouldn't, Andy, apply duct tape."

Andy left the room, shutting his bedroom door with a near-inaudible 'click.'

Jared shrugged and got back to work. Making a final correction, he squinted critically at sheet of paper, then set it down. A look approaching shock settled on his face as he stared at the pile before him. He poked it, just to make sure it wasn't a mirage, then smiled. But slowly the smile melted into a look of suspicion. Covertly, he looked around the apartment, then gathered the whole pile into his arms.

Silently, the goon stole away to the bookshelf and pulled on the Bruce Lee bust. Instead of toppling off the shelf and crushing Jared's foot as expected, the bust stopped leaning with a click. The entire bookshelf swung into the wall, revealing a cobblestone staircase that led to the space apartment 624 should have occupied. Jared quickly descended the staircase like a mad scientist, and returned within a dozen seconds, the bookcase closing behind him.

He sighed.

"I'M DONE!" He started prancing around like a giddy schoolgirl. "It is FINALLY done! My first novel is now truly complete!" He pumped a fist in the air. "Who da man? I'm da man! BOO-YEAH!" Then he broke into song. The second verse was barely interrupted by a knock at the door that forced him to change the direction of his prancing to open it and share his joy with the visitor on the other side.

Asuka was livid, wearing a robe. Not livid about wearing a robe; she just happened to throw it on before coming over, and was livid about Andy's shouting at the time. She opened her mouth to rip Jared a new one for being up at this hour and screaming his head off when the goon moved. Faster than logical thought, he planted a big wet one on the girl, then pulled back with an expectant smile.

Her face was blank. She didn't react. Nothing. Not even a reflexive blink when he poked her in the cheek. His attention span ran out, and he shrugged and turned to face... The Creatures from the Bedroom Lagoon.

Andy and John glared at him, two-by-fours in hand.

Behind Jared, Asuka remained unmoving as the door automatically slid shut inches from her face.

"I'm finally done!" The still-living goon crowed.

The other goons winced.

"My cathexis is no more! I am FREE!"

The dual two-by-four attack had no effect.

Jared brushed the wood splinters off of his face and Posed. "My friends! I now have in my possession a complete novel of most extraordinary awesomeness that I have written with my own two hands! And... And... I need an agent."

Jared ran for their bookshelf, pulled on the Bruce Lee bust, and disappeared down the stairs again. Andy and John stared at each other, neither willing to even comment. They dropped the remains of their emergency lumber, and staggered off to bed.

Someone began to pound on the front door. Jared reappeared from the lab, sporting a puzzled look. He answered the front door in a rush. "We're not buying."

Misato's right cross sent him flying onto the folding table, which spewed notebooks and pencils every which way.

Getting to his feet, "What the hell was that for?"

Cracking her knuckles after gesturing to the still girl, "What did you do to Asuka?!"

Jared blinked at the red aura that surrounded Misato. "I barely touched her."

Fuming in her bathrobe, "It's bad enough you guys don't take my orders seriously. Worse that you've terrorized half of the base and got yourselves on Yamanaki's bad side. Inexcusable that you've blown up the building's AC... And don't even get started about waking us up at three in the damn morning... But this?" She pointed at Asuka. "If she isn't fixed by the time school starts I'm going to gut you like a fish. Got it?"

Jared saluted automatically. "Yes ma'am!"

Misato stalked away, tapping at her Mini-MAGI.

Jared shook himself, glanced uneasily at the bookshelf, then approached Asuka. Misato gave him the hairy eyeball. He waved with a plastic smile, gave her a thumbs up, and gulped as quietly as he dared. Once Misato disappeared into her apartment, he gave Asuka a gentle shove. She rocked on her feet, unresponsive. Frowning, he hoisted her over his shoulder as one would a log, and traveled again into the lab.

Andy and John, fully dressed and not at all ready to face the early morning, re-entered the living room.

"Three in the morning is too damn early for this shit." John commented.

"Fire escape?" Andy prompted.

"Fire escape," John confirmed.

Jared returned when they were halfway onto the balcony. "Uh, guys?"

"Can't talk. Going to work."

"GUYS!"

John stopped and stared at Jared. "You pissed off Misato, you deal with it."

"There's an AI in the lab!"

"Finally making some progress?" Andy asked.

"It's not mine!"

* * *

"It's yours," John announced.

Jared looked at the wrist-mounted super computer sitting on the workbench with a network of wires leading from it. A rack of highly modified computer systems flanked the workbench, with a huge chrome blender taking up a portable work table pushed against the far wall. Behind John and Andy, a suspiciously Asuka-shaped curtain concealed something shaped like Asuka. A large hand-written note pinned to the curtain read 'NOT ASUKA.' It was signed with Jared's name in Jared's cramped Engineer's Script.

Waddell pointed at a small object attached to the 'face' of the Mini-MAGI. "That's the chip I took, yeah, but I didn't build an artificial intelligence. I would definitely remember doing something that awesome."

"No-one else has access to this lab." Andy said, staring at the watch.

John glared at the smallest goon. "Are you saying some ghost put this thing together and programmed it? A ghost with your handwriting?"

"That's actually less disturbing than the thought that I built this and have no memory of it when I know where the rest of the items in this work shop came from." Jared nodded.

"Could you really do that?"

"Let a ghost mess with my tools? Hell no."

"I meant build an AI without remembering it."

Jared and John shared a look, like two men unable to remember certain important details after a long night of drinking.

Andy interrupted them. "Is this thing dangerous?"

Jared shook his head. "Not right now."

"Clarify." John demanded.

"I suppose if we hooked it up to an Evangelion..."

"For the love of God, man! No sane person on this planet is going to hook some unknown AI that YOU cooked up to ANY Evangelion!" John huffed and straightened his hair with his hands. "Can we leave it here until we figure out what to do with it?"

"I don't see why not." Jared pointed to the lone screen filled with characters slowly fading and reappearing. "Its in a kind of stasis anyway."

John nodded, then scratched his chin. "How can it... communicate? Not that I'm questioning your expertise, but how do you know it's a true AI?"

"It's not sentient... I don't think. I didn't run those tests, but..." Jared tapped a few keys on a handy keyboard and the screen of random characters shifted and flowed in a different, more lively pattern. A female voice came from the watch.

"Ready."

Jared gestured to watch, inviting the other goons to speak.

Andy shrugged and leaned towards the device. "Hello?"

"Hello," the watch answered, tone neutral.

The engineer frowned. "No, you idiots." He faced the watch. "Number of floors in the current building?"

"Twelve."

"Building height?"

"Forty-nine meters."

"Cute toy," John said.

Jared put up a 'stop' hand. "Deployment area of Evangelions?"

"Without specific constraints, habitable surface of planet earth."

John crossed his arms.

"Deployment from their current positions if we have only five minutes to reach a target."

"Thirty kilometers."

John and Andy were quiet, considering the watch carefully.

"If Unit-02 had its limiters removed and went berzerk, could John and Andy in their assigned units take it down?"

"Chance of scenario success, forty percent."

"You call this thing intelligent?!" Andy howled.

John shoved the goon aside. "You made a tactical computer, that's all. But why does it have NERV's data?"

"First off, that's my data, not NERV's. I haven't let it 'out' since I found it. But this thing isn't built for chit-chat." Jared directed his question to the watch. "Is Andy angry?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

John and Andy froze.

"He does not agree with my analysis."

Jared smirked at his fr-er, comrades.

John addressed the watch. "Who created you?"

"Jared Waddell created learning software systems. Hardware of unknown manufacture."

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"Joke identified. Answer: A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood."

John nodded. "Why were you built?"

"Unknown."

"What is the purpose of your creation?"

"To protect and serve."

"Who are you loyal to?" Andy asked over John's shoulder.

"Andrew Mucha, John Genoni, and Jared Waddell."

The three shared a look.

"Do you know that we are in an anime?" John asked.

"Yes."

"How do we get home?" Jared asked.

"Insufficient data."

"Well... hypothesize."

"Use the same method employed to travel this anime universe."

"We don't know how we got here."

"That is why I said insufficient data."

Andy pointed at the watch. "Did that thing make a joke?"

Jared sighed. "It does that."

"What is your name?" John asked.

"I do not have a name. Would you like to assign me one?"

Another look was shared amongst the goons.

"Can you turn off your audio and video sensing hardware until I tap this watch twice?" Jared asked.

"Yes."

"Do it."

John pointed to the screen as it faded to uniform dark grey characters. "What's the screen?"

"A logical statistic analysis tool. Pretty nifty, really. Kind of like an EKG for computer systems."

"And it can't hear us?"

"Basically."

"Okay..." said John. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm awesome."

John snorted. "We can't... YOU can't just go around building things like this... it's almost as bad as blowing up Misato's AC unit."

"We blew up more than just hers..." Andy actually backed down at the glares that were sent his way.

John shifted his glare to the watch. "This is just like that eighties movie... wait, were you trying to build a love doll?"

"People! Focus! This is not my fault!"

"I fail to see any truth in that statement," said Andy.

"I think we can trust it," added John. "Now what to name it?"

Andy smiled. "HAL, SHODAN, GLaDOS, Megatron-"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Jared groaned.

"Too many syllables." John muttered.

Andy ignored the glares and merrily continued. "Kit, Brother, Bishop-"

"Is it male or female?" John asked. "That was a vaguely female voice."

"It's neither."

"Ai is actually a name in these parts. Al would look funny in text."

"Calculon, Johnny Five, Bender, Robot Devil-"

"Maybe something that wasn't already taken? Anyone have an anagram saved up for this moment?"

"Chip?" Jared asked. "Heh, I loved that movie."

"General Omnipotent Operational Neuralmatrix - G.O.O.N." Andy stopped and grasped Jared's remark. "You child of the eighties! Why not just call it Vikki?"

"It's settled." Jared gave the watch two raps. "I christen thee, Vikki!"

"Wait, I wasn't-"

"Name accepted." The watch sounded almost smug.

"God damn it!"

"I built it, I get dibs on naming it, dude."

"Oh, to hell with you, Waddell!"

"That's what everybody says." Jared looked at the watch. "Now what?"

"What was that thing with Asuka about?"

Jared glanced at the suspicious curtain, then quickly back to John's face. "Oh, that's right; I finally finished Deep Blue!"

"WHY ME, GOD?!" John screamed at the heavens. "WHY ME?!"

"Seriously, this is the kind of reactions I get from you guys?"

"This is good stuff, actually," Andy mused, flipping through the stack of pages. "Wait, did you show this 'story' to Asuka?"

"She's not on my beta list." Jared snapped his fingers. "Gotta find an agent tomorrow."

John sighed and rubbed at his eyes. "Back to plan A; I'm going to work."

"I'm going to take Asuka to a doctor," Jared offered.

"I'm going... to train Shinji." Andy stated. "I'll see you two at the office."

* * *

Back in the apartment, Andy retired to the kitchen for breakfast since he had a few hours before Shinji was due to even wake up.

John watched the bookshelf close with a glint in his eye and a glare in his lenses. He drew near the bookshelf, particularly a trio of stone bronze busts in the middle. The distinctive faces of John Woo, Shigeru Miyamoto, and Bruce Lee sat there wait, daring him. They hadn't a chance to use the Goon Poles. He wondered vaguely when exactly they had been installed. Then he wondered why they hadn't had the chance to use them yet. Shrugging, he considered. Then he debated. Then he grabbed the Miyamoto bust and pulled. The metal head tilted out over the floor as if to tumble free and smash some toes, but stopped with an audible click. A small keypad popped out of a hidden compartment behind the head. Jared punched in a code, then the bookshelf retracted to reveal an old fashioned brass fire pole.

"Well, at least they look nice," John said after a few seconds of admiration, and grabbed on for the ride.

* * *

Some unknown number of seconds later, he arrived.

The smell hit him almost before his eyes locked onto the room. The musty rot of old bread in a tawdry tryst with the acrid tang of disinfectant and the nose-wrinkling horror of sweat and shoe leather.

He'd arrived in a lunch room.

"What the fuck?!"

A small man wearing glasses, bent over a plate of something not really identifiable but probably of interest to some human rights groups, glared at him as if personally insulted. "Hey! I'm hungry!" He growled.

John ignored the man, glancing up at the white ceiling of the room and pondering how he'd arrived here. The poles were supposed to take him to the prep deck of the Eva cages, where he could grab a plug suit, or in a really big hurry, just jump into Unit-05. The poles were a truly brilliant plan, and he was mostly sure that if he thought about it long enough, he'd remember having them installed. Now if only they worked in a vaguely logical manner...

He cleared his throat and addressed the only other person in the huge lunch room, taking in the NERV ID badge as a matter of course. "Sorry, I was a bit rattled there; I didn't mean to insult you or today's menu choices."

The man looked up from his... fo... sus... stuff, and shook his head. "I'm sorry for barking at you like that, lad. Just a bit grumpy in the mornings. And I know this slop isn't good for me, but breakfast is breakfast."

"Indeed," John nodded back. "Um, where are we?"

The man gave John a careful glance again. "In the lunch room. Next to a table."

"Right. Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"I won't." John stepped away from the man and brought up the map on his Mini-MAGI. He had almost figured out where in NERV the Goon Pole had taken him when it rang with an incoming call. The ID read 'Central Dogma,' giving him only a second's pause before picking up. "House of the Lord, God speaking."

"Very funny, Genoni." Shigeru said over the link. "We've got some alarms going off here. Did you just teleport into the base?"

John shrugged. "Yes. Just testing something out."

"Is there an emergency we need to be aware of?"

John considered making a quip about either the smell or the quality of the food in this eating area, but given that he never ate in this particular lunch room, and also given that he wasn't in the mood to tackle the Goon Pole delivery problem when he had a notebook to finish working on, the quip died quietly and was buried in an unmarked grave at the end of a lonely road in the middle of nowhere. "No. Like I said, just a test. I'll be taking a more normal route to my office now. Thank you for checking with me."

"Just trying to keep the body count low. Bye." Shigeru signed off.

John sighed. "Focus. Notebook."

* * *

At The Appropriate Hour, Andy left The Apartment for next door. Crashing through the wall would have been the more direct route for the King of All Creation to take to get to his current charge, but letting the door close behind him felt more suitable for some reason. Perhaps...

Andy shook his head. No time to second-guess himself now. It was time to train! Time to instruct the Invertebrate in the ways of kicking ass! Time to open the door in front of him with a Huge Kick!

He paused, foot raised to strike. Right now, wouldn't someone tackle him to the ground, determined to make a fool of his superior power? His foot hovered in the air before him. The tackle never came. Not even a verbal protest. This was getting boring. He lowered his leg and tore the door open with his bare hands, stalking into the main room. His gaze caught Shinji's Mini-MAGI sitting on the little table by the entrance, framed by three empty beer cans.

Mini-MAGI, but not pilot. Kitchen?

Andy dashed into the next room, and was foiled by the absence of his prey.

He strode down the hallway to Shinji's room, whipping the door open and yanking the covers off of a surprised Shinji who... did nothing because the bed was empty.

A clever one, eh?

He checked under the bed; the obvious route of escape, then the closet, then double-checked the window-it didn't even open, but Shinji could be resourceful when called upon. He checked the closet again. Where the hell was Shinji?

"Bathroom!"

Andy dashed across the hallway, flinging open the door to surprise the towels.

"Okay." The place was dead silent. He sniffed, the smells of a hurried breakfast and a few quick showers replaying over his senses. He checked the entrance again; bookbags were gone, as were outside shoes. His amazing powers of deduction sprang into action; Shinji had already left for school, but without his Mini-MAGI.

He could always call up NERV and ask for the security detail that followed the pilots to tell him where the little tyke was in his morning schedule. Yes; he could do that.

Andy pulled out a can of face paint and added some to his face as appropriate. "Hah! Warpaint! The Hunt is on! I cannot admit defeat this early in the game; I must track down the boy with my own skill and cunning! Take that, secret security squad!" Pumping a fist in the air to make sure his declaration carried the proper weight, he took another quick sniff of the air, and left the apartment, hot on the pilot's trail.

* * *

Andy made it to street level and was half a block east of the apartment building before the trail left the ground for some stairs leading up to a train platform.

Damn it. If that kid got on a train, his scent could be totally lost.

The goon considered some alternatives. One, he could level the entire city in a hail of ki blasts and sift through the rubble for the remains of the pilot. Of course, Shinji would likely be dead. He was terrible alive, and as a corpse he would pose even less of a threat to the Angels. Maybe he would improve after taking a few laps on Snake Way... Wait a minute, weren't the dead supposed to be fearless in the face of certain death? Andy went back to the Dragonball idea. The only problem was that The Glorious Mucha didn't have any. Okay, so that plan needed to be put on the back-burner until his Techno-Serf could devise a means to find them.

But back to Shinji. He had to find that kid.

He spent a minute accessing the map on his Mini-MAGI and tracing a route from Shinji's school back to the apartment building. As he suspected, the closest station was the very one before him.

He floated up the stairs, then barged into the train that was stopped at the platform. He kind of knocked aside several normal humans, but that was to be expected. They could not occupy the same space he occupied; that was but a simple lesson in physics.

In the train, Andy sniffed the air and quickly analyzed the results. "Sweat... and shame." He glared a cluster of giggling girls, and after a moment they left his his line of sight. His target was now revealed.

Hunched over.

Alone.

Listening to that stupid music player.

Andy danced a small jig. Success! And he didn't even have to blow anything up or-heaven forbid-wait for another train! That alone was almost reason to celebrate.

Andy pushed Shinji off the bench and watched him hit the floor, coming to a rest on his side... in the exact same position. Frozen? Andy knelt and checked him. Warm to the touch, still breathing. Eyes... unfocused.

"Invertebrate, snap out of it!"

"Aw, that's the second one this week," Said a voice behind him.

Andy had the owner of said voice up against the window of the train and in an arm lock before the man could blink. "Name." Andy breathed.

"I... don't know your name!" The panicked man said.

"What. Is. Your. Name?" Andy ground out.

"D-Daisuke! Daisuke Shiratori."

Andy released the man. "Hm, not a Main Character, then."

"What?"

"Begone, random passerby! I have a Main Character to look after."

"What?"

Andy ignored the man, and stared at the pilot for five seconds. "Okay, I'm out of ideas, what would you do?"

That guy, whatever his name was, stared back. The goon was used to that look. He often wondered what it meant, but time was short and he could puzzle it out later with this Vast Brain Capacity. Oh, the man had said something. And he'd missed it. Oh well, maybe Genoni could prove himself useful.

Andy pulled out a large sack and scooped the youth into it, mindful of how the floor smelled to his Finely Tuned Senses. Then he left through the roof.

Fifty feet straight up, he corrected his mental notes. The train's roof was made of fiberglass, not balsa wood, and he would have a minor headache later.

* * *

After John and Andy left the lab, Jared spent a few hours picking over his equipment. Nothing seemed too out of place, but the AI truly had not appeared from nowhere. An entire system presumably needed to create it occupied a workbench that used to hold... something. Something was there before whatever was there now was there now. He double-checked his equipment, catalogued everything in the storage room, and re-read all of his own notes.

Either he had built the AI, or someone perfectly imitated his handwriting and style of putting down ideas and wrote up a bunch of forged notes to make him think he'd built the AI. The weirdest part was how he was sure these exacts notes had been written by him-but for a different project.

By the time his stomach growled, the lab was spotless, and the goon's thoughts were a tangled mess. Plus, the growling stomach meant he was late for meeting Saseko.

Sighing, he pulled away the curtain covering Asuka. She was still in a thick neck-to-ankle robe. Well, nothing a little B&E couldn't fix, but unless he was really sneaky or decided to risk a shootout and car chase only to explain to Misato why he was stealing clothes from Asuka's room at... New plan! Part one: Take Asuka to NERV in her bathrobe. Part two: Con John into handling this mess. Part three: ...Profit?

He threw the girl over his shoulder as one would a log and trudged back up to the living room. After the bookshelf closed, an idea in the shape of Bruce Lee's face stared at him.

"To the Goon Poles!" He shouted. He tugged on the bust, entered the code, then grabbed onto the revealed pole with Asuka over his shoulder.

* * *

Jared arrived in an anonymous green hallway eight seconds later and set Asuka on the floor, careful to keep her from toppling over. He brushed some errant dust from the sleeve of her school uniform while checking the empty hallway for any bystanders.

"Those Goon Poles could use a cleaning, and they were only installed last Tuesday." Jared blinked.

School uniform?

"...And clearly, we still have some bugs to work out." Then glanced down at himself. "Why am I wearing a female school uniform in my size! Seriously, turquoise is my color, but not this much of it. Really throws off the blue in my eyes."

He ducked into a nearby storage closet and changed, returning only a minute later in more comfortable slacks and a button-down shirt. He returned Asuka to his shoulder and walked off in a random direction, intending to run into Misato, hopefully without her trying to kill him.

Through the next door, he found her. He checked himself quickly. He was still alive! Lucky!

Misato turned off the terminal she was using and swiveled to face the goon. "Waddell?"

"Major, I'm looking for... well, I'm trying to solve the problem I caused earlier this morning."

Katsuragi made a point of looking at the girl over Jared's shoulder. "I see. Play finished?"

"Um, give me a week or two. Need to polish the dialog a bit. Aren't you interested in how Asuka's doing?"

"A week? And I know you will treat her with the utmost respect and snap her completely out of this funk if you value all that you hold dear in this world."

"Yeah... you know how hard it is to make ninja uniforms for sock puppets?"

"I just wanted a report, pilot."

Cue tears. "But... but... but... Scripts! The whole musical bit with the dancing..."

"Don't start with me, pilot. Your life can't possibly be that interesting."

"I'm writing a damn musical! You can't rush these things!"

"I can and I am."

"Fine! Be that way!"

Jared left the way he came, wishing he could slam the door to make his point better. That Major, how dare she disrespect his work. He turned in the direction of the elevators and nearly jumped out of his skin when he plowed into Yamanaki.

"Waddell you imbecile!"

"Sorry sir."

"I've got a beverage here!" The Chief made a show of steadying his coffee.

"Sorry sir."

"...Is that Sohryu you have over your shoulder?"

"Um, yes?"

"How is she doing?"

Jared blinked. "A little sore, I think. Otherwise she just needs to come to terms with a few unpleasant truths."

"Ah, I see." Yamanaki swirled his coffee around absently. "Katsuragi said you were working on an important assignment yesterday."

"We were."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not at all, sir."

Yamanaki narrowed his eyes at the goon.

"Is that all, sir?"

"Not really, pilot. I have a concern."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I'm in the intelligence department."

"Indeed sir,"

"And, I find myself feeling rather dumb."

Jared shifted around Asuka's weight on his shoulder, and picked his next words carefully. The chief had left himself wide open with that one, but alarm bells were ringing in his head. "Dumb, sir?"

"Yes. You and your friends are part of-"

"Comrades," Jared corrected automatically.

"Oh? Comrades then. You and your comrades are part of my department, and I find that I'm missing some important information."

"Really, sir? I find that surprising."

Yanamaki glanced at him with a look that clearly showed he had been paying careful attention to the goon's responses the entire time. "Yes. I'm looking for a spy within NERV itself."

A spy? The only spy Jared knew of was the one that slipped information to the Jet Alone Consortium. But the Jet Alone thing happened a while ago and... and there was a report about it that passed through their office lately. Which meant the Jet Alone Consortium was still active? That wasn't canonical... Jared decided to play dumb for the moment, figuring he'd have the chance to find out what the Chief was on about. "I know nothing about those cameras in the women's showers."

Yamanaki looked away for a second. "Oh, figures... What cameras?"

"The ones I definitely didn't plant there yet."

"Yet?"

"The day is still young, sir."

"Your excuses are not."

Jared shrugged, thankful to have the man off on a tangent. "Sorry sir, just doing what I do best."

"Well, do me a favor and get out of here."

"Yes sir." Jared took the next-nearest door and found himself in one of the main hallways. He checked his location on his Mini-MAGI, and resumed walking, now towards the goons' office. He definitely wasn't going to see Saseko now, he had things to investigate.

* * *

John set the ACP notebook down and rubbed his aching face. Whoever invented mornings deserved a swift kick in the unmentionables. His notes were complete, the plan of action was decided upon, and he had aches all over to show for it. He wisely did not dwell on the consequences of stealing Ritsuko's pet project.

Andy crashed through a ventilation grate into the room, landed on his feet, and announced at rock concert volume, "Yes! I give you: The Perfect Dismount!"

"Of course." John hid the notebook while he watched Andy reach into the open vent and drag a large burlap sack from the darkness. The huge goon then carefully placed said sack on the floor. Andy being careful? John laced his fingers together in front of his mouth, resting his elbows on the top of his desk.

The contents of the sack were oddly shaped, but much bigger than a breadbox. Andy appeared to think them fragile, and patted the sack gently after putting the grate back in place. Then he moved it to the guest couch near the door, placing it carefully.

John cleared his throat. "Do I want to know?"

Andy fiddled with the sack aimlessly this time, stalling. "I found Shinji on the train this morning," He pulled the sack off like a magician. "Like this."

The Third Children was hunched over in his train seat pose of deep introspection. Andy snapped his fingers in front of the boy a couple times to show he was a vegetable. "Anyway, I-"

"Andy?"

"What, Genoni?"

"I bet you five bucks that Jared runs into the bathroom in the next five minutes."

Andy looked around the office, not finding Jared, then narrowed his eyes at John. "You're on, fool. Anyway, as I-"

Jared breezed into the room, Asuka carried on one shoulder. He didn't give the other occupants of the room so much as a glance until he leaned Asuka against the couch like a board. Then he turned and looked at John. His questioning look mirrored Andy's.

"I'm glad you've both decided to finally grace this office with your presence. Presences? Presenceses?"

"Can it, Genoni. We've got problems."

"Like you wouldn't believe," John said.

"Like what?" Jared asked.

"Yesterday morning, Misato stopped by. I had fallen asleep writing my play, and she showed up expecting results." John was quiet for a few seconds.

"She back with her gun?" Andy prompted.

John smirked. "I see. No, she wasn't pointing it at me... You remember when you guys blew up her A/C a few ago, right?"

From Andy, "When the world witnessed my might?"

From Jared, "That was a few days ago?"

Andy ticked off recent events on his fingers. "You dealt with the ninja on that train, we had a long day capped off with dinner at that arcade, were up late, blew up the A/C unit, pulled an all-nighter after Misato demanded to know where we learned ki attacks, then we crashed... yesterday morning."

"So we've been gone from NERV for two days." Jared nodded. "Yamanaki seemed pleased by our absence."

John spoke up to drag the conversation back on topic. "But Misato didn't threaten us with her sidearm the day before yesterday."

Jared caught himself almost nodding, then shook his head.

"She lectured us," Supplied Andy.

"But we all seem to think she did."

"Andy dreamed about a talking cicada," Jared added.

"And I dreamed... Look, what I dreamed about was not important." John adjusted his uniform, sitting up straighter at his desk. "The Artificial Intelligence?"

The other two goons raised their hands to object, explain, or deflect the line of questioning, but no words were spoken for a dozen seconds.

"Exactly," John finally said. "Where did it come from?"

"Well, surely Waddell-"

"I didn't ask for assumptions. It was in our lab, it was on on Jared's work bench; we don't know who made it."

"Yamanaki's looking for a spy in NERV."

"Quit dodging the question, Jared."

"I'm not. The spy he's asking about could only be from the Jet Alone Consortium."

John nodded, then stopped himself. "That walking bomb has already been disarmed, right?"

"Has it?" Jared pressed.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," John said.

"Not even God knows what you're talking about, Genoni!"

Instead of stepping in to remind John of his careless wording, Jared was looking at the floor with his focus turned inward. "We three stones..." He said quietly.

Andy pinned Jared with a look.

"And the seventh Angel we saw upon arriving wasn't the Seventh Angel from the anime."

"Our arrival changed things," Andy stated.

"The Goon Poles," Jared said, frowning. He still didn't make eye contact with either of the goons.

Andy spoke the forbidden thought amongst the three of them. "Ki blasts outside of our Evangelions."

Jared said what they were all thinking. "We... we re-wrote our pasts? But... what could that change?"

John shrugged. "I don't know. Anything? As we all know from Jurassic Park, even small changes can have huge impacts. The impact of some decisions just aren't predictable. The more important question is why did we change things?"

"And why don't we remember."

"Actually, Jared, I have a theory about that one."

"We needed to play our own roles."

John frowned at Andy. "Thanks for giving that away, Andy. But yes, we are in a story; a story we have the power to change. We really needed to change it. For whatever reason..."

"Ki blasts," Andy said with a nod.

"And so we did." Concluded John. "We just need to take whatever we did and run with it. Though some of it is clearly... insane. Real Artificial Intelligence made in a basement lab overnight?"

Andy scoffed. "MAGI."

Jared's answer came out with his brain on autopilot. "They're more like a regular computer than even an expert system. Not even voice-controlled canonically. If there is such a thing anymore. But then, how did we do it literally overnight, even with that chip I stole there's no way-" He stopped suddenly, eyes wide, and ran out of the office.

Andy pulled a stopwatch out from somewhere, and clicked it, checking the face. "Damn it!" He handed five American dollars to John.

John smirked, fingering the cash. "Of course, you realize that in order to make that a sure bet, I had to think of it too."

Andy frowned. "Think of what?"

John's smirk fell. "Curse your pure spirit, Mucha."

Andy's brain caught up, and the big one spent a minute ranting about how the whole world had gone mad around him.

Jared returned with a slight frown. "This is crazy. How did we have the time to do this? What the hell did we do so wrong? NERV isn't going to kill us over a couple of ki blasts, I just don't see how that's possible. Hell, the Evangelions nearly managed them in the canonical version!"

"Not knowing what drove our 'other selves' to do this may make it impossible to figure out the why. You already said we need to just run with it."

"Except for that AI we don't remember even making," Jared growled.

John laced his fingers together before him. "Well, I'm done. You worry about Vikki. I'll worry about the spy, go looking for the Jet Alone contact. We're finishing our plays. If this re-write works-"

"Retcon," said Andy.

"Okay, if this retcon works, we need to be ready to fix anything it missed. Case in point: we now have an AI and nothing to use it for. Anything else?"

Jared and Andy stared at John for another twenty seconds.

"What?" John prodded them.

The idiots gestured to the Eva pilots who were there but only physically, and answered John in stereo. "Fix her/him."

"Excuse me? These aren't exactly carburetors here, they're very troubled youth. And you, Jared, are the one that broke Asuka."

"So? Listen, dude, I'll handle the spy. You get to fix Asuka."

"Why?"

"She won't listen to me, dude. It has to be you."

"Andy found Shinji like that this morning." John pointed at the other immobile youth. "He has an opening."

"That's not funny. And the implication would probably hurt his brain."

"Hurt who's brain?" Andy asked.

"Try him," John dared Jared.

"Try him for what?" Andy asked. "He'll need a lawyer first!"

Jared shook his head. "Andy's an idiot. He couldn't fix Asuka by next week with detailed instructions."

"You'll pay for that, Waddell!"

John caught a ghost of a smirk cross Jared's face before he faced Andy and bellowed something about training Toji and qualifications for the same.

"Then I shall train Rei!" Andy thundered.

A hearty laugh was shared by all.

Andy stopped laughing after a moment and pouted. "I'm serious. I'll take Rei and give her some real training while Jared trains Toji. Then it's a fair trade all around."

"You're just leaving me with the damaged goods." John countered.

"We're taking work off your hands. I'll look for the spy and Andy can talk to the AI some more." Jared left through the door.

John turned to Andy, but only saw a pair of shoes disappearing into an open vent.

"This sucks. I don't even know when we got a couch."

The two kids remained unresponsive.

John sighed, put the vent grate back on, then carried Shinji out of the office. The door across the hall opened without complaining about security clearance. No surprise, considering it revealed a cleaning supply storage. John set the Ace there among the mops, closed the door, and returned to his desk.

After forty-five minutes of making diagrams in the notebook that assumed his crazy plan would actually work, he put the notebook away and moved his chair in front of the couch so he could sit and face Asuka.

"If it's that bad, Second Children, I can leave you naked in a bathtub on the other side of town."

Asuka blinked, and slumped onto the couch in slow motion. Her voice was dry and scratchy. "What did you say?"

John grabbed a couple of mugs and began filling them from the office water cooler. "I said that if you want to be left alone in Old Tokyo naked in a bathtub, I can arrange for it easily."

"HENTAI!" Asuka launched herself off of the couch, stopping only when an invisible force halted her fist half a meter from John's head. A pins and needles sensation crawled across her knuckles. She leaned against the barrier and the air itself congealed around her. Freezing cold, it looked like a violet cloud surrounding her fist and resisting all of her strength. She jerked back and launched a spinning kick at his head. The field stopped her foot, then pushed it back, throwing her off-balance. She grabbed a chair to catch her fall and once both feet were on the ground, threw it at the goon. It too stopped at the field.

Asuka screamed in frustration while John grabbed the chair out of the air and set it on the floor. "Are you done?"

Panting, "So that's a ki shield?"

"Very good."

"Why didn't my Righteous Fury Punch make it through?"

"Well, first off, you've been catatonic since about three in the morning. Keeping rigid that long burned away most of your energy and made your muscles sore. Your basic strength is severely reduced right now. Secondly, I'm no threat to your chastity so the simple fundamentals of ki shields protected me." John gestured for her to sit on the couch as he returned to his chair.

She ignored the gesture and remained standing. "I'm listening, Worm."

"I doubt that, Sohryu, but I'll play along. I've already told you about the fundamental ki techniques, and I'm sure you've already gotten similar lectures from Jared, but since review appears necessary... A ki shield involves projecting an aura around you. It acts as a force field, countering and/or redirecting incoming energy to negate any attacks directed at your person."

"I know what-"

"Shut up, Asuka." John paused, letting her glare for a moment. "This force field, since it is made up of ki, has a certain frequency to it. This basic human frequency can change as the neutral ki is charged with emotions. Each emotional state has its own frequency, as well as a color, which can be seen in a person's aura. And you know what will blow your mind? The AT fields of the Evas are themselves ki shields. They just operate at a completely different frequency than a 'normal' shield. They use a different cue."

"And what would that be, Worm?"

"The pilot's brain waves. You already know that what the Eva feels, you feel. The interface clips you wear in place of hair bands, the plug suits, the LCL in the plug; all are used to control the more complex actions of the beast, including feedback. The Eva is a conduit for your natural power, all you need is the will power and it will do the rest."

"I know that part already, Worm."

"Then I'll tell you the secret to getting past a ki shield. The first, simplest way is to simply try to overpower the shield. This may also take the most energy, since even a weak fighter can summon a powerful field if they are purely on the defensive. The second and third ways have to do with acknowledging the frequency and then canceling it out or jamming it. If two fighters have the same emotional state, they may as well forget the ki shields. Their auras will be at roughly the same frequency, and will pass right through each other. The second method-jamming-is just as tricky. To jam a shield, you have to be feeling the opposite of the user."

"You made a perverted comment, and I reacted with opposite energy."

"I made a helpful suggestion, with concern for your well-being. You were angry, but I was not trying to hurt you. Had I actually been trying to fuck you, then you might have connected, but you'd still be too weak to hurt me."

"So you think, Worm."

"Let's pretend that I don't know why you were out of it this morning. What's wrong?"

"What's it to you?"

"Well, conditions have changed since you last slept. I'm now responsible for you and Shinji. And as your trainer, I need to help you on as many levels as possible."

"What a load of bullshit."

"Fine, here are your choices: You choose not to co-operate so I write you off as a lost cause. You lose your pilot status and are locked away under guard in a NERV mental institution where they don't help you. Instead, they medicate you heavily so you don't spill any secrets. Shinji doesn't visit you because he's fucking Rei every night and your precious Unit-02 gets given to Kensuke who is more than eager to fill your spot. I'd give everyone two months, tops, before you're completely forgotten or remembered just as 'that annoying German bitch'."

Asuka recoiled from John's venomous words and the bleak future they painted. She tried to give her denials voice, but found herself choking on the words.

"Or, you can let me help you with your fucking inferiority complex and social issues. You synch with your Eva and everyone respects you because you're not a total bitch anymore. But I can't help you if you don't want help. Pride is just a voice in your head fucking with you, Asuka. Only crazy people listen to voices in their heads."

John turned around in his chair.

Behind him, Asuka fumed. Her face contorted as she tried to come up with an explanation that made her feelings somehow John's fault.

John was hoping that if he pushed Asuka in just the right way, she'd stumble into being a better person instead of tripping off the cliffs of emo. It was a one-in-a-million chance... but to beat the Eva Effect he had to bet big.

"Genoni..."

The goon slowly rotated his chair to face the pilot.

The pilot jumping at him, leading with her fist. "Leave me alone!"

Genoni's aura pulsed, briefly visible. Asuka went one way. The chair went another. The quarter-breed bounced off the wall and came at him with a spinning kick. John powered up his aura again to keep her at bay.

From her position pressed against the wall like a bug on a windshield, she snarled at him.

John shrugged, releasing her.

Asuka dropped onto the couch, then stopped snarling and rubbed her arms.

"Sore?"

"Very."

"Want to be part of the team?"

Asuka's mouth opened to let out an answer, only to snap shut after a single choked sob escaped.

John produced the required handkerchief with one hand while the other waved vaguely at his chair. The chair righted itself and slid into place behind him like a loyal puppy. Asuka took the handkerchief.

"It's all right, let it out. Let it all out. I know you promised yourself that you wouldn't cry when your mother died, but some promises are meant to be broken."

* * *

John left Asuka alone briefly, to verify Shinji was still wedged in the closet with the cleaning supplies. After returning, he considered the quietly sobbing girl for a long minute, before sighing. "Coffee?"

Asuka nodded. The goon rinsed some mugs in the office's tiny sink, then filled them with the dark brew. Handing one to the girl on the couch, he dragged his chair to the middle of the office, sat on it, and sipped. "So, how are you feeling?"

She looked up from the mug cradled in her hands. "How do you think I'm feeling, Worm?"

"How are you feeling?"

"What is it with you repeating the same question?"

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm beginning to feel annoyed, Worm. But otherwise, I feel like shit."

"That's better. Maybe I should've explained the rules ahead of time. I'll ask the questions, and if necessary I'll even give you the answers. If I'm not satisfied with the answer you give me then I'll ask again. You see, unlike other therapists, I actually know who my patient is and what's wrong. The trick is getting you to know. So the fastest way for me to get out of your face is to be completely honest with yourself. You may be the smartest person in the room, but that's worth jack right now. So, how are you feeling?"

"When I'm at full strength tomorrow, I swear I'll extract vengeance."

"Glad to hear it, you know where to find me. How are you feeling?"

"Stop asking that."

John stopped talking to glare, and Asuka countered with her own. The pair remained still for a minute, like two basilisks trying to stare each other down. Then John's eyes narrowed sharply. The coffee in Asuka's mug boiled and she yelped when a scalding drop landed on her hand. In the next second, John was two centimeters from Asuka's face.

"How many weeks? Huh? How many weeks have you been around every corner, behind every door, asking, harassing, begging us to teach you? To train you! And what happened when we agreed? Well? Have you listened to a single word we've said? Is something getting lost in the fucking translation! You ask for help and then not accept it! You ask to be trained and then ignore us! WHY?! Where in your supposedly genius brain did you decide that you were better than us? When did you think that we weren't worth your time?!" Asuka shrank back with every word, but there was nowhere to go. Her strength was sapped, her will weakened, and John couldn't help but realize that Jared may have done the best thing he possibly could for girl... assuming John's Oscar bid worked out correctly.

"Please stop," Asuka whispered.

John moved closer, his voice a whisper too. "Why should I?"

Blue eyes shrink-wrapped in tears met his. "You're scaring me."

The goon drew back. "Oh, really?"

"Yes. You wanted to know how I'm feeling. Well, I'm scared. I feel helpless right now. I want... Just stop it please."

"There's no shame in feeling scared, Asuka. Especially in your line of work. Especially with what it has taken from you."

She actually looked puzzled.

"Someone died testing the Evangelion you pilot, Asuka. Who was it?"

John casually leaned to one side of the spray of scalding coffee and caught the mug as it passed his head. "Is that it?"

Asuka burst into tears.

"You miss your mother?"

"Hell yes I fucking miss my mother!" Asuka glared, covered her face again, fighting to stop her sobbing and even out her breathing.

John sighed and put the mugs down before kneeling in front of the girl. "I'd bet that feeling is more familiar than you'd like to admit. Your dad was a bastard for letting you see your mother after the accident. You'd have been better off if he lied to you. Can we talk about your mother?"

"No. I-" There was more, but the words fought her.

"I know you don't want to, but you must. Asuka, suppose there was an Angel... an Angel that could invade the human mind and bring up all of our worst memories at the same time. Suppose this mind-raping Angel was so high up it couldn't be shot down by normal means. Suppose it picked you as its target. Asuka, if you don't deal with these issues on your own right now, you'll be forced to deal with them at very inopportune times."

He returned to his own chair and waited for her to calm down.

It was a full minute before she looked at him again. "How do you know these things?"

John kept a straight face while answering. "Sore wa himitsu desu, Asuka." Ignoring the scowl, "Okay, I'm from another world where everything horrible that's happened to you is a work of fiction. Now I'm not reading about a character, I'm looking at hurt little girl sitting on my couch and I'm trying to help her because I'm not a complete bastard."

She sighed. "You could have fooled me."

John smiled. Barely. "So, about your mother."

Asuka wiped at her eyes. "What about her, Worm?"

"You miss her."

Her lips tightened, a scathing reply barely held in check. Then she seemed to relax, and nodded.

"You like piloting your Eva, don't you?"

Asuka hoisted an eyebrow curiously. "Of course I do."

"That pain from the loss of your mother seems to disappear."

Her look became suspicious. "How do..."

"Because I know what you don't, but what I know, I can't tell you directly. Unfortunately, the answer must come from within. I can tell you a lot of mistakes were made in the early days of the program; nobody knew what to expect. Most of today's safety protocols owe to what happened back at Gehirn."

"What are you getting to, Genoni?"

"Do you know what happens when you "synchronize" with your Eva, Asuka?"

"Sure, I exert my will over the Eva and it does what I say. Synchronization is how well it does what I tell it to do."

"Incorrect. Piloting an Evangelion isn't about dominance, but cooperation. You share with the Eva. Do you want to guess with what?" Make or break time. Either the girl would connect the dots, or she would stop to question how they knew what they did. And by the way the silence was drawing out, clearly the second was taking place. "You share your soul, Ms. Sohryu. The Evas are creatures. They live, they breathe, they bleed, but they have no soul. The breath of life and movement is missing from a typical Eva straight from the factory, so to speak."

"Shinji's moves on its own sometimes. Before I arrived, they said it protected him from some debris."

"Before he even got into the thing, right?"

"Yeah..."

Now to see how far the girl would follow this white hare. "So if Evas can't move without a soul, but Shinji's can move on its own..."

"Then it must have a soul."

"Yes, but whose? Certainly not Shinji's else the poor boy wouldn't be alive to mope around all day. And it moved before he even had touched the thing."

"Why are you asking me? I don't know who!"

"Units 00, 01, and even 02 are the oldest Evas NERV has. They're almost nine years old, and 00 is over ten I would venture. There were three original test pilots, all women, all born before Impact, and all of them are dead today. That's why only children born after Second Impact can pilot, with, of course, the exception of my associates and I."

"So one of the original pilots completely lost her soul to Unit-01..."

"But if all of them died..."

"They all lost their souls? Are you telling me that there is someone's SOUL in my EVA?!"

John grinned. "If it were true, then what, Ms. Langley?"

"Then my low synch scores would be because the Eva doesn't agree with me."

"Or because you're not cooperating with it."

"It's MY Eva!"

"They were there first Asuka." He shook his head. "We're getting off track."

"No kidding. We were supposed to be talking about my... my..."

John grinned this time, happily. "Of course, how could I forget?"

"Who were the first pilots, Genoni?"

"I'm impressed. It's been a full eight minutes and no 'Worms'."

"TELL ME!"

"You already know the answer to that, Asuka. We're done for now. It's getting near lunch time, why don't you get something to eat? We'll start training tomorrow."

"Don't do this, just tell me. Please."

The goon tapped at the interface to his Mini-MAGI and pulled up a schedule. "Rit-chan has you down for some more synch tests in a few hours. Why don't you take this new knowledge and test it then?"

Asuka narrowed her eyes as John rose and left the room. She quickly moved to follow. In the hallway, he opened another door nearby.

"Bastard. This isn't over!"

"Not by a long shot. Hit the tiles, kid, I've got to see if Shinji's awake yet or not." With that, John ducked into the room.

"Shinji?" Asuka ran up to the door and looked inside. "Shinji!" Her hands were immediately around John's collar. "What did you do to him?!"

"Andy found Shinji like this, dear Asuka. I'll be certain to relay your concern to him after I snap him out of this."

"But-"

"Time for guy-talk, Asuka. Just go, think about what we talked about, and let me know how things turn out tomorrow. Ok?"

The girl huffed, then let go of the goon. "Fine, I guess he's in better hands than he was with Andy." She gave him a look that failed to impress upon him the importance of Shinji's continued well being, and left.

John left a moment later, Shinji over one shoulder.

* * *

John kicked the lever. The toilet flushed around Shinji's inverted head. For the third time in the last minute.

"AAAHHH! STOP IT! HELP! SOMEONE HELP!"

John pretended to just notice he was out of his fugue. "Oh, you're awake finally." He righted the featherweight easily.

"What's going on? Where am I?"

"Well, dear boy, you're in one of the men's restrooms in NERV. Andy found you this morning on the train and took Rei in trade. Jared left me Asuka, and took Toji. I just got done talking with Asuka, she's eating lunch right now. She will get to start training tomorrow. You on the other hand..."

Shinji sighed, grabbing a paper towel and trying to dry his hair with it. "Don't have what it takes."

John blinked behind his glasses. "Explain to me what Andy is doing to train you."

The boy concerned himself with straightening out his hair with his fingers. "Well, I don't think he trains Toji and me so much as he just runs around trying to kill us."

The goon handed him a comb. "Survival and endurance... It lacks finesse and ignores technical ability, but it teaches you to think on your feet. Necessary, but I'm surprised he's doing it so soon in the training."

"Actually, I think that he's just using us as target practice. He keeps ranting on and on about how he will have his vengeance or something. I'm not worth anybody's time to actually train."

John grabbed Shinji by the shoulders and turned the boy to face him. "This is going to hurt."

Then John slapped Shinji. Hard.

Shinji spun a full circle and then some, so that he stopped facing the restroom mirror again. John grabbed one shoulder and pointed at Shinji's reflection.

"Damn it man! Look at yourself! You're soaking wet! You're depressed about the opinions of a delusional American bent on world domination! You don't even have the guts to kiss Asuka in her sleep when she wants you!"

"Does everybody know about that?!"

John ignored him. "Look into this mirror and tell me what you see."

"A reflection of a shadow. An image that I use to identify myself."

John blinked. That called for the Fist of Death, but killing the main character would be a Bad Thing. Still, the Fist was alive, and demanded satisfaction. Instead of splattering Shinji's head all over the mirror, he just gave it a good shove.

Shinji's head bounced off of the metal mirror, sending the youth stumbling back into one of the open stalls. John stalked out of the room. If this was going to go anywhere, he'd have to inspire the uninspirable... "I have an idea."

A minute later, he reentered the room and set his Super Dew on the counter. Just insurance, if his Plan didn't bear fruit. "Ok, Ace. I want to apologize for that. It was wrong and I should have been in better control of my actions. Things have been difficult lately, you know how it goes..."

Shinji stood well away from John, cradling the back of his head. "Does this mean I get to hit you back?"

John narrowed his eyes at the kid, then remembered that Shinji couldn't see his eyes and flexed his brow. "I didn't hit you, I only threw your head at the mirror. If you think this is going to play out like Suzuhara, then you're a poor judge of character. I apologized, that's the end."

"Yessir!"

John blinked. "...That's it?"

"Uh..."

"I caused bodily harm to you! I inflicted pain! And you're going to let it slide with a 'Yessir!' and head hung in shame?! Madre del Diablo, boy! Stand up for yourself Demand justice! Make me beg for forgiveness on my knees!"

"How am I supposed to do that? You're bigger than me and a hell of lot more powerful! If I tried attacking you, I'd get splattered all over the wall!"

"This is true, Ace. But what you are lacking is respect and self confidence. Respect is earned, so I can't help you there, but if you believe in yourself, then you're that much closer to unlocking your ki. So I'm going to ask you again... Look into that mirror and tell me what you see."

"A..." Shinji glanced fearfully at the goon. "Um... Myself. I see Shinji."

"You see Shinji... You see Shinji. And tell me, boy, what is a Shinji?"

"What?"

"Japanese, mother fucker! Do you speak it?!"

"What?!"

John chuckled. "Sorry, you left yourself wide open for that one."

"What?"

"Let's get back on topic, Ace. Just answer the question."

"A human? A enduring but temporary physicality that resembles..." Shinji was glancing at him again.

"Ace, let's try this one more time."

"Okay..."

"Look into the mirror."

Shinji looked at his reflection in the mirror.

John spoke slowly, "Tell me what you see."

"I see myself."

"Well you know what I see?"

Shinji shook his head 'no.'

John pointed at Shinji's reflection. "I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"You... You do?"

John put on his full fake Jamaican accent. "Ya mon. But it doesn't matter what I see, what really matters is what you see. So look in dat mirror again, and tell me 'bout it."

"I see..."

"Pride!"

"Pride."

"Power!"

Power."

John spied the spark in Shinji's eye and prompted, "I see..."

"I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody."

The goon smiled. "Once again!"

"I see pride. I see power. I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody."

"Again!"

"I see pride. I see power. I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"I can't hear you!"

"I see pride. I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"I still can't hear you!"

"I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"From the soul, boy!"

"I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"Keep it coming!"

"I see pride! I see power! I see... um, Genoni-san?"

"What?"

"What's a 'mudder'?"

"Slang."

"Oh."

"You're supposed to be shouting at the mirror."

"Oh, right. I see... Uh, Genoni-san? Little boost?"

"Sure." John gave Shinji's head a light shove into the mirror.

"I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

Shinji continued working on his psych-up, allowing John a moment to reflect on his handiwork. This was turning out to be easier than he thought. Of course, the boy was going to give himself a sore throat in a few minutes. He checked his Mini-MAGI's map and left for the nearest Pepsi machine.

* * *

An alcove twenty feet from the goons' office held the nearest Pepsi vending machine. John was there in seconds, carefully making his choice for the next generation. Mountain Dew was out of the question. Considering what the boy had already been through, pumping him full of caffeine and sugar was not going to end well, entertainment value notwithstanding. Best to start him on something softer. Root beer?

John made his selection, took his prize, and waved to the vending machine dude as he approached from the only access.

The average-looking twenty-something blinked at the huge American.

Shrugging, John went back to the bathroom.

"Hey Ace, I think I remember you liking root beer so I... Shinji?" John's eyes swept the room. "How did he leave without me seeing..." His vision turned to the vertical. "...Him."

The vent in the ceiling was missing a cover. He looked at the floor. Almost hidden under the sink was the cover. Mangled like a bit of aluminum foil.

"Wait a minute..."

Were those scratches on the mirror? And those tiles weren't cracked when he left. If he had to guess, someone had just kidnapped the pilot. Of course, why would they take the bottle of Super Dew?

"No."

He checked the garbage can. A familiar, empty plastic bottle lay inside. In a whisper, "If he... oh shit."

From the vent echoed a feral noise. Not quite hissing, but not quite heavy breathing. The last time John had heard that noise was while watching a series of science fiction movies starring Sigourney Weaver.

"Oooooooooh fuck."

Wisely realizing that this is the part where he screams and runs away, John threw his vocal chords and feet into motion.

Outside of the bathroom, he screeched to a halt to gasp in terror at the wreckage that used to be a gift from Pepsi Cola Co.

What was left of the pop machine littered the floor, the shell shredded as easily as wrapping paper and the internal machinery literally tied in knots. Cans of Diet and Regular Pepsi, Root Beer, and Sierra Mist were all over the floor, giving the scene a hit-and-run accident feel. However, no Mountain Dew was to be seen in the mess... not a single green can. And the vendor dude was missing as well. The only trace of him was a boot on the floor and a torn bit of shirt hanging from the edge of a vent in the ceiling.

John resumed his panicked sprint.

* * *

In a quarantined research room on the opposite side of the base, Maya and Ritsuko worked around a huge lab on various tissue samples. They wore full biochemical containment suits there looked similar to the environmental containment suit Misato wore inside of the canon Jet Alone. The only noticeable difference was the distinctive mechanical noises made by the breathing system.

Maya was checking on a report shown at a terminal. "Most of the structural work is completed, but the plans for the entry plug and control system are still missing."

"They aren't missing, it's just that those bastards haven't given them back yet. I just wish they would make their move, it's a major pain having to try and guess what they'll try to leverage with those plans. Between those three and the idiots that built that robot..."

"What was the notebook doing out in the open anyway, Senpai?"

Ritsuko turned to glare at her subordinate.

"I'm sorry. Forgive my insubordination."

"I'll think of an appropriate punishment later, Maya. Just go back to work."

"Hai."

A few seconds later, the relative silence was broken by a beeping noise from the comm lines. Ritsuko hit a button on her suit, allowing Gendo's voice to ring out through the room.

"Doctor Akagi."

Ritsuko deepened her voice to James Earl Jones levels. "What is thy bidding, my master?"

In the ensuing silence, the mechanical bellows marking her breath sounded exceptionally loud.

Then Maya started chuckling.

"I hate it when you do that." Gendo finally said. "Where are you?"

Ritsuko answered in a normal voice. "Still working on the F samples."

"Well, you can stop what you're doing. Genoni has been raising a ruckus on all of the vid-screens screaming about someone being loose. Try to find him and see what he's babbling about."

"Since when did I become his keeper?"

"That was an order, Doctor."

"Fine." Ritsuko went back to her Darth Vader impression. "Leave him to me, I will deal with him myself."

Gendo closed the connection.

"Maya, make sure that the Angel remains locked down and have the grunts ready to build that plug. If John's panicking, he'll hand over the plans with a little prodding."

"Tee hee. You're so evil, Senpai!"

* * *

To be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 2: Better Late Than Never

Chapter 2: The Problem with Evangelion Pilots / Setting the Pieces

* * *

John waved at another security camera, then checked the nearby hallway junction for any NERV employees. Empty.

A dozen minutes had marched by since Shinji did the Super Dew, taking with them John's hope of things peacefully resolving themselves. No-one could blame him for getting desperate by the time he ran into Mucha.

"KONNYANYACHIWA!" Andy announced at rock concert volume levels with a tiny wave and a huge smile.

"Andy! Thank the gods I've found you! Horrors the likes of which..." John ground to a halt, looking around, above, below, and behind the larger goon before asking, "Where's Rei?"

The goon refused to let go of his momentum. "Where evil cannot touch her!"

"Get your own damn lines, Mucha!"

"Hypocrite!"

"Never mind! Whose evil are you referring to?"

"Ummmm... never mind that, Rei's fine. She's pretty fucking strong for a pale skinny bitch clone. I guess it comes from the Angel part instead of Yui."

"I'd hurt you, but a more pressing issue is at hand."

"Issue?"

"Shinji drank the Super Dew, but apparently his frail ego couldn't handle the power and he's regressed back into some sort of feral animal mentality. He's already taken a vendor; there may be others missing. I've been trying to get someone to help but you know how excitable I get when things like this happen..."

"You've never been described as excitable. Irritable? Yes... So what's the plan? Sound a general alarm?"

"We should, but we don't want to cause panic and I'd rather keep this quiet or Shinji will never come back to work again. Moreover, he's timid as a human, who knows how cautious he'll be now. If we start hitting alarms, he may go into hiding and we'll never find him."

"Which is why you didn't call anyone using your Mini-MAGI?"

"Shush you."

"Is he in the hallways?"

"Not at the moment. The ventilation ducts-I figure he'll pull a Tanya from Battle Athletes, pick and choose his targets and then-"

"Then what, Genoni? Paint their faces? Maybe with the blood of his last victim! This creature must be stopped!"

"Nostromo to Mucha! We're talking about a super-caffeinated Third Child, not some ravenous Xenomorph! We could just let him burn himself out."

"AT WHAT COST, MAN?!"

"Look let's just find Asuka and the rest of the pilots, then we can organize things. She should be eating in the cafeteria near here."

"Fine, you get the rest of the kids and find Jared. As for me," Andy pulled a black marker from his pocket and drew war-paint lines on his face. "The Hunt begins."

Before John could object, Andy dove through a grate near the floor and disappeared into the ventilation system.

"This bodes of bad things to come."

* * *

Minutes later, in one of the many NERV cafeterias. Ask about the special today on fish sticks!

Asuka played with her last fish stick, using it as a golden, brown, and delicious tartar sauce stirrer while her mind wandered.

Above, a figure cloaked in shadow eyed the room from behind a ventilation grate. It moved on after a minute, silently crawling through the tunnels in preparation for an ambush.

Another figure, also cloaked in shadow but much larger, approached the same ventilation grate and deemed it suitable for its needs.

There is a wonderful, amazing invention that doesn't get nearly the use it should within NERV... Doors! Ever hear of them?! Through those amazing devices burst John. Spying the red in a sea of black, he made for Asuka at a brisk pace. Muttering to himself as he approached, "Stay frosty."

Asuka looked up as John made a 'Dracula' entrance, sliding across the floor with little visible movement. He came to a stop and spoke without looking at her. "Feeling better, slugger?"

"A little. I just... this is a lot to process, you know?"

John examined a particular spot on the bench, then carefully took a seat. "Had to be done, kiddo. If you're finished with your meal... ummm, Misato's waiting for us in the briefing room."

Asuka finally looked up and locked eyes with John's glasses. "Oh really? Then I suppose while she's waiting for us, she decided to have lunch with Hyuuga?"

John started and looked around until he saw the pair chatting at a table in the opposite end of the room. "Fine, there's been a situation. For now, only pilots and command staff need to know about it. I'm gathering everyone at the briefing room so we can solve this without any further incidents."

John's words had barely left his mouth when a scream sounded throughout the room and someone jumped out of their seat. Then a shriek came from another table. Then another. John stood on Asuka's table just in time to see a woman from Akagi's department squeal in fright as she was sucked under her table.

Asuka immediately joined John on top of the table, an action mimicked by most of the room. "What the hell is going on?!"

John hopped to the next table nearer the disappearance. "I'll explain later, nobody panic!"

As the usual three percent of the bystanders took John's advice, John arrived at the table where the woman disappeared, and kicked it aside to reveal a large hole in the floor. A melted open hole, with a syrup-like substance around it. Some of the stuff was still eating at the tiles. Against better judgment, John gathered a decent sample on his forefinger and sniffed at it. "This is new... I didn't think I brewed the Dew that strong."

Andy dropped from the vent above and landed lightly on the other side of the hole. "It's down there?"

John nodded. "He's somehow found a way to turn the Super Dew into a highly corrosive secretion. But it only seems to affect inorganic substances."

Andy sniffed the air. "He must be still in the area."

"You can't smell him, you maniac."

Andy ignored the younger goon and continued sniffing at the hole. "Hot steel blades, assorted spices, pre-processed meals..."

"He's in the kitchen!"

Both Americans rushed into the kitchen. John through the swinging door; Andy diving through the window. Inside, the husky Russian chef was munching happily on a meal from her home area. "Mmmm, Siberian breakfast..."

The Americans blinked.

Andy turned to John and mocked, "He's in the kitchen!"

"Shut it."

Asuka burst in. "ALRIGHT! I want some answers, now!"

John licked his finger clean. "Not here, it isn't..." John twitched. "Safe?" The world exploded into colors without names. Shapes had sounds. Sounds had texture. Texture he could see as if looking at everything around under a microscope all at once. John could feel the weight of the air itself upon his skin. The paint bomb effect receded as his brain caught up with the Super Dew-induced stimuli. The world was still hyper-detailed, but slowed down. Asuka's foot hovered precisely two point one centimeters above the floor, descending very slowly as she strode towards him. And there was a ripple in the air. His eyes tracked the movement. A life form of some kind dropped through the vent-no, propelled itself through, gravity was an impediment at this speed-and landed on the table next to the chef's breakfast.

A split-second later, the grate that had covered the vent hit the chef on the head, knocking her out cold. The thing that used to be Shinji stared at the trio of intruders.

He crouched low to the ground, drooling like a faucet, and hissing Xenomorph-style at all present. His clothes were torn and dirty, his hair standing on end. His jaw leaked the concentrated Super Dew found on the cafeteria floor, the sort that could eat through inorganic materials like a potent acid. The wild look in his eyes was completely inhuman as they shifted from person to person, sizing up each in turn, and hovering on Asuka the longest. Feral Shinji then looked at his unconscious prey and back at the humans. Hissing one more time in defiance, he hooked one arm around the cook-a woman more than twice his mass-and leaped back into the ventilation system.

John blinked. The Super Dew effect was gone, and so was Feral Shinji.

For twenty long seconds, everyone stood perfectly still, mouths agape, not so much as blinking. Then Asuka found her voice and put it to work.

"What the FUCK was that?!"

Andy grabbed John's collar. "You've gone too far, Genoni! I ask you to train the boy and you turn him into a monster!" Andy released the collar to drop to his knees and began sprinkling John's pants with Manly Tears of Joy. "I am SO proud of you!"

"Andy, we have to leave now... It would be best to keep anyone from tailing us."

"Don't you dare try to Ninja Vanish your way out of this one! I'll-"

John was typing furiously on his Mini-MAGI. He spoke out of the corner of his mouth at Andy. "Distraction. Now."

Andy took a deep breath. "FOOD FIGHT!"

Fun fact: In America, it's a felony to participate in inciting a riot. In Japan, they'll just send Ninja while you sleep, they hate messes.

While squishy tartar sauce kombat was dished out, Andy escaped through the ceiling vent and John flew over the mess with ki shield on full power.

Asuka, Misato and Makoto were left to slightly more conventional means of escape.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rei was on the peaceful surface, standing in a line for advance ticket sales at a local theater where the newest mecha anime movie would be opening. On the ground nearby lay four unconscious youths, three of which were clearly otaku. The last was a fit kid in Chinese clothing sporting a pigtail.

* * *

A short while later, a very angry and slightly tartar-ed Misato ran into Ritsuko in the halls. Asuka and Makoto were following the Major, seeking a pound of flesh from the Americans.

"This way," Ritsuko announced, and led the posse to the Pilot Briefing Room.

Inside, John and Andy were conversing in low tones, stopping at the door opened.

Matoko placed a handgun on the table at the front of the room. His uniform was covered in so much food sludge that he looked like he was starring in a low-budget monster movie. The noises he made when he sat down only enhanced the mental image. Misato and Ritsuko glanced at the gun; Misato threateningly, Ritsuko with a measure of relaxed contemplation.

John moved to the front the briefing room as if he had called everyone here. "So, Jared's vanished with Toji somewhere and Andy still won't tell me where he left Rei."

Andy grinned. No-one met his eyes.

"Is this why you were running around trying to get security's attention?" Ritsuko asked.

She was ignored. "Right. This is Rumor Control; here are the facts." John took a deep breath. "A few nights ago, I successfully brewed a powerful beverage that I fondly call Super Dew. I brought a liter of it to work today for a field test. Shinji and Asuka are currently my charges to train, having traded with my fellows earlier this morning. Shinji, during a pep talk, discovered my bottle of Super Dew and has consumed some-if not all-of it. There is strong evidence that Shinji is now out of touch with his humanity and while in this hyper-caffeinated state is acting like some predatory animal. He is using the ventilation system to avoid capture and have his pick of victims. Seven women and one man are now missing, presumably abducted by Shinji. Are there any questions?"

"So, just so we're all clear on this... This is all your fault."

A blob of tartar sauce audibly fell from Makoto's face to land on the table next to the firearm.

"You're not focusing, Rit-chan."

"And now you want us to help you clean up your mess." Another blob fell from Makoto.

"Andy instigated the food fight, Makoto, I just told him we needed a distraction."

The glares shifted to Andy, who appeared to shrink.

"Now isn't the time for the blame game. But yes, essentially I'm asking for your help."

"Shinji is just really hyper?" Asked the Tactical Commander.

"Basically yes. However he's acting on impulse and instinct right now. There's no human rationale in his brain."

"He's literally drugged out of his mind." Misato said.

Ritsuko pointed at Genoni. "This is unacceptable, if an Angel were to attack right now, we'd be left with only half our roster."

"Focus, people."

Misato crossed her arms and glowered at him. "So can't we just wait?"

"If we let him burn himself out, it may kill him. He'd go into cardiac arrest and his system would just shut down. Hell, his heart may explode just from being this hyper, this boy's frame isn't conditioned for this kind of stuff yet."

"I wonder... is there a possibility of spontaneous combustion?"

"Andy..." Ritsuko rubbed her forehead.

John nodded. "There's that too. And even if he can take it, he's a danger to himself and others while he's in this state. We have to find him, capture him, and ensure that he safely returns to normal as soon as possible. I've already sealed off the surrounding levels with my Mini-MAGI, so he's cornered."

Ritsuko positioned herself at the room's terminal with a scoff. "Not possible, Genoni. You don't have access to those... codes?"

Misato activated the room's projection display. The lights dimmed, and on the screen next to John, a schematic of the surrounding area appeared. Some doors were green, but many were colored in flashing orange with some lettering near them reading 'LOCKED: EMERGENCY.'

Ritsuko suddenly towered over John. "Who gave you those codes?"

"No-one, Jared had to hack-"

"There will be no hacking on this base, pilot, do you understand me?" Misato added.

"This was an emergency, how else was I supposed to lock down the area? Signs? Block the door's with chairs? Duct tape? 'Dear Shinji, please don't open this door.' I did what I had to do!"

"You're docked a week's pay."

"Good to know," John countered.

Misato's anger rose from annoyed to pissed. "And what in God's name possessed you to bring such a dangerous substance near one of the pilots?"

"Science?" John immediately back-peddled in the face of the glares directed at him. "Look, I made the stuff for us. Shinji wasn't supposed to get his hands on it. And since I couldn't have predicted him going feral I'm not going to even guess how it's going to affect him long-term. I want to capture him now so we can get it out of his system in a controlled manner."

Andy started counting items off on his fingers. "So we'll need a tazer each, a net gun, some tranquilizer darts-OOH-that foam stuff that's really sticky-"

"We don't have any of that." Ritsuko dryly noted.

"Pardon?"

"I said we don't have any of those items."

"This is a maximum security military fortress... and you're telling me we're not equipped to deal with anything more serious than a sunburn?"

Ritsuko shifted to her lecturing tone instantly. "NERV exists to fight the Angels. It's practically world-wide knowledge that we can't fend off a human invasion. The order for small arms and non-lethals keeps getting lost in the budget. The officers have a side arm each but we'd have to go out and get our own tazers, and with our salaries? Ha!"

John ignored the obvious lies. "We'll fix that later. Surely, you can track any movements in the ducts, can't you?"

"Yes, we have sensors and traps installed to track Andy."

The Maniac chuckled nervously.

"So we should have no problem finding Shinji and locating the missing personnel."

"There's one problem."

"Yes?"

"They aren't down here, we just have the upper levels installed, the only crews that have the clearance to work on the lower level ducts, including this level, don't come on shift for two more hours. Someone has to manually install and activate each one."

"His Mini-MAGI!" Andy shouted. "I was going to use it to hunt him down this morning. But it was in Misato's apartment... damn."

Misato pondered, "I wonder why he's only abducting women... You don't suppose-"

"Hey! This is not Species!" Andy looked personally offended.

"For the last time, this isn't some stupid anime!" The doctor shouted.

Misato slammed a hand down on one of the room's desks to get everyone's attention. "If he's trapped on one of three floors, the only way to find him and the missing personnel is to get into the ducts and seal them off behind us. Since time is important, we'll split up into teams. Ritsuko and I will stay here and monitor the sensors. Makoto, get cleaned up and take Asuka with you below this level. John, take Andy and get the level above us. If what John says is true, it'll be next to impossible to negotiate so just try to keep him cornered and radio in on your Mini-MAGI's if you see anything, got it?"

"Is it wise to send Asuka in after Shinji?"

"She's an Evangelion pilot, she's under my command, and even in his current state I don't think Shinji will hurt her."

Andy scoffed. "Madness. We'll all be dead by the end of the second act. Good one, Velma. We can get Asuka some Scooby snacks too."

The cartoon reference nearly slipped by the NERV cast, but a quick beating inevitably followed. Ten minutes passed before John grew impatient and left Andy unconscious on the briefing room floor. Then Ritsuko and Misato began taking turns flicking paper triangles at the Dangerous One.

* * *

A full fifteen minutes after the search for Shinji began, the teams had activated the motion detectors per Ritsuko's instructions. Only one problem remained.

"I've called everyone back. The detectors haven't picked up anything?" Asked the Tactical Commander.

Ritsuko gestured at the projected image dominating the room. It displayed a map of the ventilation system with various markers. "Nothing. I'm tracking the four, and they seem to be moving cautiously, but otherwise normal."

"So Shinji's probably on this level, huh?"

"Wouldn't doubt it. Heh. Five weeks ago not a soul would give the poor boy the time of day except out of pity, now he's more feared than the three Americans. I hope the little guy comes out of this okay."

"Me too. I hate to admit it, but the kid's grown on me a bit."

"I've noticed... Did you hear that?" Ritsuko tilted her head to one side, as if to listen for someone breaking through the ceiling.

"Hear what?"

"Shh. Listen."

Misato listened. At first to nothing but the hum of the base. The constant whoosh of air moved by fans. The idle buzz of fluorescent lighting. The sound of shuffling footsteps was not normal. Someone was coming towards them.

Both slowly backed away from the vent the sounds were coming from until Ritsuko bumped into something and gave a yell. She spun around and thrust a tazer into the fleshy mass, which collapsed, quivering.

"Ritsuko! It's only Andy!"

The doctor released the trigger and turned only her head to stare blankly at Misato.

"Oh, yeah... carry on, Doctor."

The doctor did carry on, with an excess of enthusiasm until the battery ran out. Then she calmly and efficiently changed batteries and continued. When she paused to cycle in a third battery, Misato tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hey, he might have something important to say."

The doctor looked at Misato.

"Well... he might."

Ritsuko narrowed her eyes at Misato and reached for her Mini-MAGI instead of a fresh battery. "Report in." A string of small black symbols appeared above her wrist. Little monoliths with the kanji for 'Sound Only' and a name scrawled across the face.

Asuka's voice came in first. "No sign of Shinji anywhere down here."

Makoto came on next. "Negative contact. All sensors are activated on this level."

The monolith labeled 'Scumbag' remained silent.

"Genoni, report!" Ritsuko prompted.

Andy groaned and sat up. "That's what I came back to tell you." He rolled off a strange item and set it on the briefing room table. The NERV ladies blinked as they realized the object was an improvised flamethrower.

"The North tunnel of the second junction looked a little suspicious so we decided to split up."

"You mean you ran off and left John in the junction before he could object."

Andy waved away the accusation with a scorched hand. "Details. John took the West tunnel, but when the North and West tunnels joined at the third junction, all I found was this. No Shinji. No John."

"John didn't have a flamethrower, Mucha. It's not his style. And besides, John's..." Ritsuko squinted at the screen, frowned at the lack of her least favorite goon, and moved to the room's console. "Oh, the feed is turned off." She entered a command, and on the screen a dot appeared.

"You didn't have the feed from the sensors on this whole time?" Misato asked quietly.

"Technical difficulty."

"See?" Misato said brightly. "We're tracking John on the floor above us moving around right now with..." She frowned and glanced at the screen again. "You?"

Ritsuko and Andy followed Misato's gaze to the screen. A blinking dot, labeled 'Scumbag' was moving slowly, trailed by a blinking dot labeled 'Unknown.'

Andy shouted at his Mini-MAGI. "John, he's right behind you!"

John's voice came from Ritsuko and Andy's Mini-MAGI's. "That's preposterous, I know for a fact that Shinji isn't behind me."

"There's a... a DOT right behind you!"

Sarcasm dripped from the speakers, "Gee, that's informative!"

"Okay... There's THE DOT right behind you!"

A flat glare isn't audible, but somehow John made exactly that sound.

The biggest goon decided to switch to cheap theatrics. "Snaaaake! I mean, Joooohn!"

"I found the vendor in the West tunnel, you doofus. I've been looking for a way out since you ditched me!"

"How is he?" Misato asked.

"Just as big of an asshole as usual. After his third rant about how setting sensors was beneath him, he took off!"

"I meant the vendor."

"Jibbering like an auctioneer on crack. He's very disoriented, but insists he hasn't been violated by any strange creatures. He's very adamant on that point."

Andy acted like he was suddenly slightly deaf. Misato blinked several times. Ritsuko rested her face in her palm before replying.

"Okay... did you ask him that specific question?"

"No, he just blurted it out while we were walking back to the main shaft."

Over the same line, they could hear the vender dude yell. "Ahhh! Shaft! No!"

"I'm going to work a little therapy on him and let him go. I'll be back in the briefing room in five minutes." John closed his end of the connection.

Ritsuko glanced at the screen and touched a control, showing that he was leading the vender dude towards an exit and probably some surface elevators.

Andy remained silent.

Misato snapped her fingers after a minute and pointed at the goon. "Ha, told ya!"

* * *

John paused at the bank of surface elevators and pulled out the neurolizer. "Have you ever seen one of these things?"

The vendor dude recoiled like John had showed him a live king cobra. "NO! NEVER! NOTHING WHATSOEVER IN THAT KIND OF SHAPE!"

"This is a neurolizer, it'll create a flash of light that stimulates parts of the brain, mostly those that pertain to memory. The useful thing about this effect is that the mind becomes very susceptible to suggestions filling in the gaps created. I could flash you with this and give you any story I wanted. Case in point, you've had a very bad morning. Johnny's going to make it all better."

"Huh?"

Flash.

"Boy are you lucky to be alive!" John declared with a smile.

"I am?"

"Of course! You weren't paying attention when you were re-stocking the Dew and the entire shipment blew up! Blasted you up through the ceiling! Boy, when I found you, you were covered in syrup not to mention all of those cans all over the place! I wouldn't have been surprised if you dry-swallowed one on the wrong end!"

"Yeah... I should be more careful from now on."

"Glad to hear it. Go clean yourself up and take the rest of the day off. And take a shower or ten."

John set the arriving elevator to take the man to the surface, promising him not to worry about his missing badge. As the doors closed, John shuddered. "I do not want to think about the fallout from this one."

* * *

Waddell was back in NERV, taking the most direct route to the Pilot Briefing Room. Well, maybe not the most direct route, but it was pretty straight-forward. He only stopped twice for nookie, and tried to talk that Miko chick from Purchasing out of her panties. Either the girl was playing really hard to get, or he had to wipe that lipstick off better. That stapler catalog left a heck of a bruise. After that escapade, he found himself wandering down a hallway wide enough to accommodate a car or three and figuring that by the time he made it to the briefing room it would be time to turn around and fetch Toji from his training assignment. So far, so good.

The he nearly tripped over an outstretched arm.

"Goddamn Japanese, can't keep an underground base clean to save their..." Blink. Pinch arm to verify this wasn't a dream.

Spread out before him was a pile of ten naked woman and one naked Eva pilot. Everybody appeared to be covered in some kind of syrup and sported a 'just got laid' grin, even in their presently sleeping state.

Jared shook his head. "Looks like I missed a hell of a party, Ace."

He memorized a few of the female faces, and... other body parts, for future reference of course, then plucked the pilot out of the syrup twister mess. "Better get you to back to your place. Those breasts would suffocate you if someone rolled the wrong direction. Lucky s.o.b."

He made for Misato's.

* * *

An hour later, the NERV personnel involved in the Shinji Search regrouped in the briefing room.

"So... he's not down here," John concluded. "I think he slipped our net. Ritsuko?"

Ritsuko rested her head in her palms. "Crap."

"She skip her coffee today?" John asked absently.

Makoto spoke up. "Wait, what? I missed something here. If Shinji isn't down here, where is he?"

"As we left the cafeteria, I locked down the doors on that level. I can only assume he was already on the level above."

"Why didn't he go down?" Misato pondered.

"The vents are locked below this level," Andy said, earning a few glares.

"But the floors above here have the sensors installed and activated, right?" Makoto pressed.

"Intern," Ritsuko said from the console. "We had an intern code up the software we used on the detectors, and there was an error I just had to correct due to the software sounding an alarm when something larger than the set size is detected, but not even logging other events. These logs look like Shinji was carrying people back to a single location seventeen floors up... he might still be there."

"You could have found all of this out while we were gone instead of complaining about your missing notebook, right?" John asked.

"If somebody hadn't stolen sensitive information and drugged a pilot, we wouldn't even be in this mess."

"Burn," Misato said absently.

"And we're back to the blame game-uggggkkh!"

"RRRAAAARRRGHH!" Ritsuko shouted from her perch over John, trying to choke the life out of him.

Misato rubbed her temples to stave off the headache. "I hope Shinji's all right."

The doors opened to let in Jared, Rei, and Toji.

Everyone in the room froze and stared, particularly Ritsuko, who was about to bash John's head against the desk, and looked like she wanted Waddell to be next in line.

Toji and Jared wore dirty clothes, and Rei held a couple of movie tickets in one hand. The goon was taking in the scene with a smirk. "I... hope I'm interrupting something."

"Where the hell have you been?!" Andy boomed.

"Training Toji. The details, of course, are confidential... so I can't tell you any more."

Misato sighed. "Shinji's gone crazy and we need to find him. Have you seen him?"

"Yes. And I wouldn't call it crazy."

Misato did a double-take.

"Maybe... crazy AWESOME!"

Misato opened her mouth to formulate either an order or an insult, but her brain couldn't pick one and no sound came out.

Andy broke the silence. "Pardon?"

Jared sighed. "I found Shinji while... uh, doing something important. I took him back to Misato's place and left him in Kaji's care. Little tyke clearly needed a, uh, nap."

"There's something you're not telling us," Ritsuko said threateningly.

"No, that's about all there is to the story."

Ritsuko glared at the goon. "Are you lying to me?"

Obviously lying to her, "No."

Misato checked her sidearm. "I gotta get home and check on Shinji." She glared at Jared. "He may need medical attention."

"I'm coming too." Asuka added, rising from her seat.

"You have a synch test in fifteen minutes; you're staying here."

"Screw the damn test! I'm coming with you!"

Asuka stomped out of the room ending the argument. Misato sighed and wearily followed.

Toji and Rei left to prepare for their synch tests, and Makoto headed for the control room, leaving Ritsuko and the three goons.

"Not that I'm complaining, Rit-chan, but when are you going to get off?"

Ritsuko smiled sweetly at her enemy, then casually pulled the tazer from her coat and used it.

Andy and Jared wisely decided to leave the two to their foreplay.

* * *

"And pilot Ikari was okay?" Gendo was doing his damn hand thing again.

"Yes. I made my own examination and had two staff physicians check him out. He's exhausted and has the chemical traces of a mild seizure, but he's otherwise unharmed."

Gendo let loose a tiny relieved sigh.

Kozou was in his usual position next to the desk. "That's good to hear. Now, onto the unpleasant business. Yamanaki has not found the mole?"

"He knows what's missing, so the suspect list is narrowed down to sixty or so people." Ritsuko answered, standing casually before the Commander and Sub-Commander.

"Excellent," Gendo said.

Kozou consulted his computer. "Unit-07 will arrive tonight after dark. Is the cage ready?"

"Yes,"

"Also, the Super Solenoid engines have arrived from America," the Sub-Commander added.

Ritsuko's expression didn't change. "That's good news."

Gendo nodded. "How long will it take to retrofit our Evas with the new cores?"

"I can't say for certain right now. It depends on how fast the Evangelions take in the cores, if they even do. Maybe an hour, maybe a week, maybe a month."

"Well, the clock is ticking, Doctor. I suggest we move quickly."

"Yes sir." She turned to leave.

Kozou piped up. "How is The Angel Compatibility Project going, Doctor?"

A slow shudder walked delicately up Ritsuko's spine. If Kozou had to guess-and since she was still silent, he did-he figured the cause was rage. No one had said a word about her missing notes, but that comment hit close to home, and Kozou felt like he'd just kicked a hornet nest.

That desk was solid, right?

When Ritsuko finally turned around, she revealed the smile she'd been working on. It was truly a work of art. A deranged Mary Poppins grin that promised unprecedented violations. The sort of weapons-grade look one had to have on hand to corral the Americans; every weapon needed to be tested before getting put to use in the field.

Kozou gave it two thumbs up. Or he would, as soon as he stopped cowering behind Gendo's chair. The Commander was under the desk, hogging the best space to hide from a nuclear blast.

They listened, holding their breath, until the door opened and closed.

Gendo whispered, "That crazy bitch is getting out of control and it's all those Americans' fault."

"Maybe if you weren't more or less directly responsible for her mother's downfall and death, she'd be more stable." Near-death experiences tended to leave Kozou a little testy.

"Can it. At least she's targeting Genoni now, I couldn't stand her stalking anymore. She's one psycho you don't want after you."

* * *

Much later that night, kilometers past the most secure doors in the world lay a room secret beyond description. A weapon of awesome power occupied the space, watched over by one of the world's smartest people.

Ritsuko Akagi was angry and exhausted. Her fifth shift would start in about five minutes and it was only Monday. She had passed annoyed, then upset, and was deep into angry. Another few hours and angry would give way to enraged.

Unit-07 had arrived hours ago and was being strapped into its cage literally as she stood there, but Unit-06, the beast before her, a project managed by her personally over the last two months stood silent, awaiting its most necessary component. A component she did not have. A component she did not have the information to manufacture. All of the resources in the world behind her, and the genius of the Evangelion program was helpless thanks to a couple of inarticulate foreigners that violated the laws of reality for entertainment.

Bending them to her will should have been trivial. Handing out a crushing defeat should have been a walk in the park.

And yet here she was, at their mercy.

A technician appeared at her elbow. "Doctor, the last tests are complete and the maintenance crew reports the armor is on tight. We just need the core now."

Ritsuko's fingers left imprints in the metal railing. That last bit wasn't technically part of the report. Her eyes shifted to the technician, who was suddenly puzzled at his completely inability to draw a breath. His face slowly filled with terror even as it drained of color. After a minute, he stumbled back with a gasp as Akagi released the railing.

Her order was spoken in a whisper. "Get out of my sight."

Cowering as if she'd screamed and railed at him, the technician ran.

Returning her gaze to the useless biological weapon in the cage, a seething Ritsuko Akagi hissed. "Genoni..."

* * *

The VCR clock in the goons' apartment read 6:30 in the a.m., which the goons knew because they were in their apartment instead of at work. They had been up for nearly three hours, sipping coffee around their table and discussing important things. Nearby sat a toilet plunger, the handle snapped neatly in two. Next to it, an archaic polaroid camera.

John was getting ready to finish their talk. "So, we don't have a shred of solid evidence."

Andy grunted despondently.

Jared raised his hands in the air helplessly. A red circle marked his face. "I don't get it."

"There's nothing to get. We don't know what's going on, we aren't sure we did it, and right now it doesn't much matter what or how we did whatever. We looked, we theorized, and we still have things to deal with in the here and now. For example, the Children."

"I think that we should keep things 'as is' for a little bit. Then switch off again." Andy proposed.

"How is my goddess doing, Genoni?" Jared asked.

"I wouldn't know. Yesterday was spent fixing her head and getting Shinji a spine. I didn't get to any training yet."

"Ha!"

"You're one to speak, Mucha, all you did was have my favorite hold your place to buy tickets to mecha anime. And Jared won't spill on what he did with Toji, or even where he was all day."

Jared smirked. "You two lack discipline, I could defeat you all without breaking a sweat."

Andy rose a few centimeters off his chair. "Is that a challenge?!"

"Down boy."

"I could easily destroy you and your pathetic girlfriend!"

Jared finally rose to the bait. "You insult my goddess's honor and mine, foul beast!"

John sipped his coffee while Jared and Andy posed and yelled in their Dramatic Voices. After a minute, he glanced at the VCR. "It's not even seven yet... Wait a minute, Andy?" Polite pause, then again in Demon-head mode. "ANDY!"

"AAHH!"

"Just how strong are you?"

"I AM THE STRONGEST OF ALL SAIYAJINS!"

John spoke slowly this time. "How strong?"

Andy also spoke slowly. "I said. I am. The strongest. Of all."

"Jared, power level?"

"I can't be less than... This is Eva, we don't have any kind of reference to DBZ. We may be in the hundreds or maybe in the thousands."

"Ha! Try millions!" Andy was ignored.

Jared appeared thoughtful; he was good at that kind of acting. "We need a way to gauge our power levels. Some kind of anime standard." He turned on his Mini-MAGI and began searching for something.

"The MOON!" Andy crowed.

"I'm kind of glad you put up that sound-proofing," Jared said without looking up.

"After the Asuka affair..." To the loud goon, "Andy, the Dragonball moon is made out of dynamite, anyone can blow it up."

"Piccolo Diaomah was at two hundred and sixty when he blew up most of the island the tournament was on. But since we're so much more powerful than him, I don't see how-"

Jared stood suddenly, bumping into Andy's shoulder. Both of the seated goons looked cautiously at their comrade.

The silence stretched out.

"Dude?" John prompted.

Jared flicked at the display on his Mini-MAGI, which turned into a kind of big targeting reticule. "Dude, this thing has a power level measuring program." He aimed at John. The Mini-MAGI beeped for a few seconds, then a number flashed next to the target.

"Ten?" John asked. "Ten what? Ten alligators? Ten Ranmas?"

"Ten Raditz?" Andy asked. "Oh, do me! Do me!"

"Usually the girls are naked by the time they're shouting that," Jared remarked casually, pointing the target at Andy.

"Why would naked girls shout that at you?" Andy asked, puzzled.

The Mini-MAGI beeped.

"Thirteen? I'll show that block of silicon thirteen!" Andy raged.

"It's made of diamond, and I have no idea what those numbers mean." Jared backpedaled, then tried to figure out how to bend his arm so the target would point at him.

John stood, his own Mini-MAGI projecting the image. "I got it. Andy, get out of the way." Beep, beep, beep. "Twenty-one?"

Jared smirked.

"Andy was in the shot," John said.

"That's our combined power level? Hm, fusion dance?"

Andy sighed, and nodded thoughtfully. "That's something to try later, Waddell. Perhaps after your funeral?"

Jared rolled his eyes while John took another reading, then started tapping the holographic 'buttons' randomly. "Eight? Manual... need the manual..."

Andy found his own power level application and began running around the apartment, taking the power level of the furniture, decorations, plants, stereo equipment, and such, and loudly proclaiming how much more powerful he was, while John and Jared hunted through the rather dense technical information included with the program.

While Andy was busy screaming at the toilet paper, Jared put an index finger triumphantly in the air. "Aha! The Toriyama is the measurement of... oh. Hm... I guess that makes sense. But to convert it to useful work... okay, and then there's a multiplier. So, one Toriyama is probably a small person or fairly strong child. I'd say the average human male is about two Toriyamas. So... you would be about three hundred on the Dragonball Z scouter scale."

"And that's..."

"There's a multiplier." Jared demonstrated by scanning John again. The 10 was changed to 100 with a button press.

"So I'm a hundred Toriyamas, eh?"

Jared shrugged. "Looks like it. Do you feel like a hundred Toriyamas?"

"Not really, but I haven't had my Dew today. Oh, I have an idea. We could use Vikki to-"

"WHAT? How could this blender be a twenty?" Andy shouted from the kitchen.

John and Jared joined the goon, Jared showing Andy how to turn off the scaling function.

"One hundred and thirty? That can't be right."

"It's the same as about four hundred on a DBZ scouter."

"Oh no, you have it all wrong. I am far above four hundred, pitiful human."

"Say, why is this blender registering a twenty?" John asked.

"Oh, that's my project blender," Jared said as if that explained everything.

John sighed. That did explain everything. Everything except the cavity on the front. He peered at it for a second. "Is this for a Mini-MAGI?"

"Yeah. There's some speakers in there configured to use the Mini-MAGI's processing power to counter the motor noise with an inverted waveform. Active sound damping; a first in a blender." Jared smiled proudly.

"The only thing I understood in all of that technobabble was that you can plug a Mini-MAGI into this thing." John said.

"Okay..."

"Bring Vikki up here, please."

Jared shrugged and left the room to retrieve the talking semi-intelligent Mini-MAGI.

John pulled the blender out to the middle of the counter.

When Jared returned, he plugged the talking Mini-MAGI into the appliance. "Now what?"

"Vikki, while we're out of the apartment... no, until further notice, you need to analyze every bit of data at your disposal and figure out a way for us to win."

"Which battle?" The blender asked.

"Third Impact. Keep updating your information, and we'll check in on you periodically."

"Is this just so you don't have to go down to the lab to check up on it?" Jared asked.

"Partially. I'm also a little paranoid about it being stolen while we're out. Knowing the fearsome power of your Knack... can you give it more control over the blender, to use its weapon systems defensively?"

"What makes you think I put weapons in that blender?"

"Okay, put weapons on it. And traps. And make it like power armor so a small explosive won't destroy Vikki."

"Hold it," Andy said. "You're asking Waddell to modify a blender into power armor for a watch that houses a functional AI that the rest of the world isn't supposed to know about?"

"That about sums up my request."

"Wow. I... need to check that off my bucket list." Andy departed to his room.

Three other goons spent a few seconds trying-and failing-to imagine why that was on Andy's bucket list, and what else said list might hold.

* * *

To be Continued...


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Healing Power of Love! / What Fanservice Chapter?

* * *

After helping Jared with his delicate surgery, John and Andy decided it was high time to get on with their day. Since the city was waking up, they stopped at Misato's to ring the doorbell. Shinji answered with a slice of toast in hand.

"KONNYANYACHIWA!" Screamed Andy at a completely unsurprised Shinji.

"Good morning," Shinji said in monotone.

"Good Morning, [Shin-ji]." Jared said with a smile.

Shinji screamed and ran away.

John sighed. "I told you not to do that, [Jar-ed]. [An-dy], I leave Rei-sama in your hands. If you two you kill Toji, at least do a good job of hiding the body. Good luck to both of you, [Gentle-men]."

Jared and Andy exchanged vexed looks, unable to discern a means to pronounce John's name with the proper effect without sounding autistic. While they pondered the imponderable, John entered the apartment. He waved to Misato as he passed the kitchen in search of the Children's rooms. He stopped at Asuka's first and knocked.

"Don't come in here!"

John opened the door, but did not enter as requested. Asuka screamed anyway and threw a pillow at his face. He swatted it aside easily. The girl threw the next available object, which John caught. He gave the object a casual glance. It was small. It was plastic. It was pink. A single button and a simple dial with numbers from one to ten were set upon the face of it. A cord extended from the remote to under Asuka's covers.

A lesser man would have at least smirked, but John's face was perfectly impassive even as Asuka blushed five shades more red than her hair.

The goon idly thumbed the dial from three to ten, pretending to have no clue what it would do. Then he watched Asuka's body stiffen and her eyes nearly cross as she grit her teeth together. Instead of a shower of curses, John heard only a faint buzzing sound. Raising an eyebrow as if the experiment had yielded no useful result, he clicked the button, shutting off the noise.

Asuka glared at him.

"We're going to the beach today, so don't forget to bring your swimsuit. You have a half hour to get ready." John tossed the remote on Asuka's bed and slid the door shut.

The Second Children's voice could be heard loud and clear through the door. "I SWEAR VENGEANCE, GENONI! I HATE YOU AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! DIE!"

John shrugged, feeling he'd been getting a lot of that lately. He moved to Shinji's door and opened it without knocking. He glanced at the room, taking in the bed, the dresser, the open window, the Unfamiliar Ceiling, and a large cardboard box with a badly drawn house and 'Ikari House' scrawled on the sides.

He could hear Shinji chanting from within.

"I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away."

"Oh hell no." John kicked the box, sending it out of the window.

Beneath, Shinji was undisturbed, eyes tightly closed. "I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away."

"Hey Ace."

The pilot stopped chanting, blinked, and looked around in confusion.

"I kicked it out the window, don't worry about it."

The youth jumped to his feet. "WHAT?! Do you know how hard it was to make that?"

"I've seen the anime, it takes five minutes."

Shinji actually looked sheepish. "Uh, what do you want?"

"Today is the day we begin training, remember? You and Asuka are mine, for now at least. So get ready, wear something durable, but that you won't mind getting scorched off your body. And bring something to swim in, we're going to the beach."

"Why the beach?"

"Kamehamehas. Thirty minutes, then we leave."

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, the kids were just finishing up breakfast while Misato watched John suspiciously. The goon floated a meter off of the floor in a half lotus position. When asked why, he only said 'Piccolo.' What a musical instrument had to do with him acting like a mystic, she'd never figure out.

The kids were dressed oddly. Shinji's ever-present dress shirt was unbuttoned, hanging loose above a pair of blue shorts. Asuka was in her red and white striped bikini under a faded yellow tank top that let much of said bikini show through, and a pair of cut-off jean shorts. It was something like what Misato herself would wear to the beach, and thus pretty racy for a fourteen year old.

Once breakfast was complete, John stood like a normal person and adjusted his glasses. He looked annoyed. "Off your rear and grab your gear. We've already missed the train; I'll have to drive us to the beach."

The beach? Misato's ears perked up. "Oh, you guys are going to the beach? I thought you guys were supposed to be training."

"The beach is an ideal place to train. Besides, these two missed out on Okinawa."

Shinji smiled pleasantly as he gathered the dishes. "John-senpai said we'd be learning Kamehamehas."

Asuka stared at the goon like she expected him to peel off his skin to reveal he was really Zarcon, conqueror of the stars and had come to kill them all and take over the world. "Really?"

"It's too soon for you two to learn the Kamehameha. Either way, you would first need to learn it in your Evas and those are being refitted."

"But you said-"

"I said the beach is a good spot for Kamehamehas; my Kamehamehas. You two will be working on much-needed basics. I know Andy hasn't done crap for Shinji in technique or stratagem."

Asuka was torn between angrily pointing out a problem with John's argument and angrily dismissing Andy's training. True, both were tougher just from being near the goons and the collateral damage that surrounded them, but an improvement in their chances of actually surviving a battle in an Evangelion was welcome.

In the time Asuka sorted through this dilemma, and was ready to tear into John, Misato finished her beer. The redhead stood and made a fist. "I already know the basics, I'm ready for anything you got."

Misato belched.

John leveled a flat look at Asuka. "We'll see... Misato, we're leaving now."

The Tactical Commander crushed the empty can against her forehead and stood. "Can you wait fifteen more minutes?"

"You're coming too?" Shinji actually sounded surprised.

"Why not? I do have responsibility over you two-"

"...And don't want to transfer said responsibility over to a noted psychopath, even for the day. Or... is it just the beach and you're pulling rank as an excuse."

Misato grumbled under her breath.

"Fifteen minutes."

"Yosh!"

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Misato finally finished her preparations and stood by the door in a daring black strapless one-piece covered by a pair of cut-off jeans and wrinkled white tank top, ready to break hearts. Oh, and go to the beach. John fastened a glare on her, and the Tactical Commander looked sheepish, bowing apologetically. "Gomen."

John sighed and led the group out of the apartment and down to the parking garage. Shinji and Asuka made small talk while Misato hunted through her bag. When the elevator hit the ground floor, she finally fished out a pair of sunglasses and put them on.

The elevator doors opened and the group disembarked. Asuka and Shinji decided to argue over who would carry the tiny cooler while Misato followed John into the garage. A few feet from John's car, Misato stopped and began staring. Her expression bore a metric ton of incredulity when he unlocked the driver's door.

John glanced at her while he opened the trunk. "Sorry I parked next to you, Mis-chan. It was the only spot."

The Tactical Commander was silent.

"Mis-chan, you there?"

"Andy has an Ferrari F40..."

"A Marinello classic, but unrefined."

"Jared somehow got an old Chevelle SS..."

"A piece of history but brutish and loud."

"But you didn't go for some loud muscle car..."

"Just between you and me, I'm actually a Cadillac man. But with the size of Japanese parking spots? I don't think so."

"So instead, you get a silver 1965 Aston Martin DB5..."

"Metallic Silver Birch actually. What red-blooded American male wouldn't want one?"

The Children had finished their argument, brought forth Misato's cooler, and chose at that moment to peek out from behind her to take a look at their ride.

Shinji's mouth worked silently, temporarily decoupled from his brain. Asuka's mouth was rarely kept on a leash and ran away screaming. "HOLY SHIT! THAT'S JAMES BOND'S FUCKING CAR!"

"Genoni..." Misato looked at him over the top of her sunglasses.

"Hmm-urk!" John was surprised she could move so fast, and a little worried she would wrinkle his shirt.

"I'm only going to say this once." She released his shirt and dropped to her knees. Her voice shifted from whispering madness to pleading. "I need a new car! Please, I don't care how you do it. I'll do anything for a new car!"

John considered the possibilities, and counted it a small miracle that he kept a straight face. His glasses did kick up the glare a notch as he adjusted them. "Leave a request on my desk tonight and I'll see what I can do. But the beach, she calls to me. Mis-chan, take shotgun. Kids, in the back. Breathe, Shinji, it's just a car. Lets move it, I have roadways to conquer and you slo-mos just put rush hour between me and my fun."

Eventually, the car was packed with cargo and payload. John switched to sunglasses for driving, and reverently put on a pair of leather driving gloves with the calm of a zen master.

"Genoni-senpai?"

Correcting the First Children, "John."

"John-san?"

John tilted his head to capture Shinji's gaze in the rear-view. "Go back to Genoni-senpai."

Asuka jabbed Shinji with an elbow. "Just ask the question!"

"This is just the same model as James Bond's car, right? It doesn't really have the rockets and ejector seats and all the gadgets, does it?"

John finished adjusting his gloves and smiled. "That's an interesting question, but next time speak up a little bit and submit it in writing."

Shinji blinked. "That... doesn't make any sense."

Misato looked for hidden eject button while trying to appear casual. "You didn't answer the question."

John thumbed the starter. "You noticed?" An ominous hum came to life; subtle yet terrifying. Whatever John had under the hood, it definitely wasn't available in the sixties. He quickly pulled into the exit lane, lining himself up to leave the apartment building. On an unknown impulse, he let the engine hum for a few seconds, sending pedestrians scattering. Then he tapped at the digital audio system on the dash and kissed the steering wheel. "Yesss, my preciousss. Jealousss they are. Yesss."

Misato grabbed onto a nearby handle reflexively as James Bond's Theme began playing. The youngest goon absorbed the music for a few seconds before letting off the brakes and making his bid for King of the Road.

* * *

An impossibly short period of time later, a silver bullet with wheels streaked into a parking lot near the beach, bleeding style into the wind as it skidded and come to a stop sideways in a free parking spot near the beach path.

John slammed the gear shift into park and channeled some Jim Carrey. "Liiike a glove." He glanced at his ghost-white passengers and switched seamlessly to smarmy hypocrite. "Now see, guys, that's your problem. You spend so much time indoors and underground you get pale. What you need is some fun in the sun!"

He jumped out of the car and gave a big stretch, idly wondering if that one sign was actually for Route 125 and not the speed limit.

Misato found her voice, but was having trouble keeping a grip on it. "C-c-c-can w-w-w-we t-t-t-t-t-take th-the b-b-bus b-b-b-back?"

"Nonsense! We won't be in a rush on the way home. So..." John watched as the trio slowly peeled their clawed hands from safety handles, stumbled outside, and kissed the ground.

John watched with a smirk.

After a minute, the three finally rose. Shinji put his hands to work, removing a cooler and a few bags from John's trunk. Misato grabbed hers. Asuka ignored the menial labor and stood on top of the concrete barrier separating the parking lot from the beach, smiling at the ocean as if the whole trip was her idea.

While John took in the scene, waiting for Shinji to finish unloading his car, Asuka turned around and gave the goon a glare through her shades. She silently critiqued his choice of a bright Hawaiian shirt and neon green Bermuda shorts. Was the man trying to blind half of Japan with that outfit?

Without looking at her the goon spoke, "No Asuka, but this is standard beach wear for college students."

Startled, she wondered if he was just retarded, or if he could suddenly read her mind.

"Yes," John said.

For the next few seconds, Asuka Langley Sohryu kept her mind very blank.

"Yes what?" Shinji asked.

"Yes, you guys can go play on the beach for a while. Don't tire yourselves out though."

"Bah!" Asuka declared, jumping the barrier and running for the water. Shedding her outer layers, "Come on Shinji, move your ass!"

Running to follow, "Coming!"

A moment of contemplative silence passed between the NERV Intelligence staffer and the Evangelion Tactical Commander.

"You, of course, can do whatever you want to tire yourself out, Mis-chan."

Misato started to slowly strip out of her clothes. "Dream on, kid."

Smiling, "I plan to."

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" Misato asked, peeling off her shorts at least four times more slowly than necessary.

"Only every train of thought in my head. Oh! Speaking of, I just have to go a little easier on them now that they have supervision."

Misato stretched, doing wonderful things for her... figure. "So what are you planning?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu, Mis-chan. Go. Play."

She picked up her cooler and pulled one a can of beer, contemplating it as one would a live hand grenade. "Not so fast. You owe me a six-pack."

Affecting his best sleazy fake East European accent, John waved off her statement. "Pa-leaze, I play zee videeo gamez. Joo are more shakeen zan your beer." He yoinked the beer out of her hand and opened it without a mess. Taking a sip, his accent was back to normal. "See? Now play."

Misato smirked and bounced away with the cooler.

John spent a moment putting his hair back in place, staunching the nosebleed, putting his eyes back in their sockets, and brushing the sand from his jaw before attempting an intelligent comment.

"..."

Well said, Shakespeare.

John returned his attention to the car, closing the trunk. He unzipped his own bag, and a thing the size of a toddler rolled out and took a minute to stretch, then took a few slow steps towards the sand.

"Sorry, Pen-Pen, I told you smuggling wasn't my specialty. Anyway, have some fun."

"Qwark."

* * *

Meanwhile, things were heating up on a different island. Little more than a ribbon of sand surrounding a small extinct volcano covered in shrubs, the island could have been a nice tropical paradise. Two people were not enjoying this tropical paradise; Rei, and the teacher she was tuning out.

"You may have completed the first test, Ayanami. But I am still not sure that you're prepared to learn from my teaching..."

Volume level aside, she really did not like listening to Andy. His approach to conversation was... unpleasant. Genoni-sensei approached conversation as an assassin in the shadows, and before a word was spoke his opponent's argument was already defeated. Waddell-san picked a route and marched in a straight line to victory without distraction or hesitation, no matter the cost. Continuing the analogy, Mucha-sensei fired blindly into his own troops to rally them and captured innocents to use them as human shields.

The advice of Waddell-san and Genoni-sensei was perfectly suited to that analogy. Hold fast until a pause, then strike with overwhelming force and never let up. Don't be afraid of what Mucha-sensei said, just beat him down with any argument available.

She tuned into his rant for a few seconds. "...Don't they see genius when they know it? Of course not! There's no chance of..."

The rest of the advice had informed her Mucha-sensei wasn't exactly acting, but he was playing a role. If she didn't take up the mantle of eager student when he became bored with her lack of response, he would cancel training by insisting she was a useless doll and order her off to do some menial task. She had to act just before that moment arrived.

Had her opening arrived?

"...There is nothing else that can be done about it, but there's also..."

Unfortunately, no.

She listened to him shift his rant from lamenting to raging. Something about a teacher he really hated... Then NERV's guards at the southern entrances... A card game gone wrong. She resisted checking her Mini-MAGI for the time. Hopefully he would move onto his big wind-up before long.

"...And no-one of my noble Saiyajin bloodline should be left to babysit a doll like this! It's-"

That was her cue. She hefted a bit of driftwood, something as big around as Mucha-sensei's head, and tapped the goon on the shoulder.

Mucha-sensei slowly lowered a fist and glanced at her.

Pulling back, "i am not a doll."

"Well you sure fooled m-OOF!" Mucha-sensei doubled over as she rammed the log into his stomach. He was about to critique her technique when she clocked him over the head, driving him face-first into the sand. "URK!"

Dropping the wood, Rei brought her leg around for an axe kick, but the goon flipped over, and let off a palm-blast at her in mid-air.

Forced to dodge that and seventy-one follow-up attacks, she was soon behind a rock. The air was thick with dust, but she could hear Mucha-sensei gloating somewhere near the waterline.

"HA! No-one could survive that much dust! Now, with the clone dispatched..."

Using the sound of his voice to aim, she grabbed a rock the size of her fist from the nearby pile, and threw it at him. The sound of mineral impacting skull was dull, but cut off his speech for a second. When his voice was heard again, it sounded like an evil smirk.

"That clone! That... that CLONE!"

* * *

More ki blasts would be on their way shortly. Waddell-san's advice about running shoes was going to be useful, even if they didn't really go with her white gi.

"Toji Suzuhara?"

Toji startled awake. He was ninety percent asleep when the teacher called his name. "Yes, sir?"

The elderly teacher pointed wordlessly at a huge familiar American that stood in the doorway with a smirk. Toji sighed and gathered up his things, following the American out into the hallway.

"Um, Waddell-sensei, right? Now what?" Toji asked.

"Training." The goon smiled, handing Toji a neatly folded white gi and a white belt to match.

"I already have a blue belt in Judo," Toji mused. "Are we going to-" A blinding pain accompanied the sudden blow to the back of his head. He kind of caught himself on the floor as something stabbed him in the neck. His head swam, his vision was a mass of blurry shapes. In seconds, everything faded to black.

* * *

Toji startled awake. His head throbbed and his tongue felt like a hunk of wood jammed in his mouth. After a few minutes of slowly working his way from laying on the ground-wet ground, covered in thick grass-to sitting on the ground, he braved taking in his surroundings.

They were in the center of a large grassy clearing surrounded by a dark forest. They, meaning him and Waddell-sensei. The goon was wearing a black gi with a black belt featuring a dizzying array of colored patches across it, moving effortlessly through a kata Toji didn't recognize. Despite the American's closed eyes and zen-like demeanor, Toji was certain the man knew he was awake. Another few minutes passed before Toji got his on his legs and was reasonably sure he could make a run for it. That meant it was time to get some answers.

"Waddell-sensei?"

Before the words were out of Toji's mouth, Waddell was done with his kata and standing half a meter from the Evangelion pilot. "Yes?"

"Whoa! Dude! Don't do that!"

"I promise nothing."

"Uh, right. What are-"

"Training."

"Okay. Why'd you knock me out?"

"You looked like you needed a nap. And there was..." Waddell shook his head. "Never mind. He's harmless. You know some Judo, correct?"

"Yeah. I have a blue belt."

"You mentioned as much. Any good at suicide throws?"

"I'm okay with 'em."

Waddell pointed off in some random direction, then turned around. "Get changed. We're going to start with tactical discussions while you warm up. Then there's some posts over there with your name on them."

"That's insane."

"Toji, we're fighting to defend humanity from utter destruction, right?"

"Well, yeah."

"Well, we'd better train to handle anything, right?"

"We won't be useful to anyone if the training kills us!"

Waddell-sensei made a 'thinking' face at this, then smiled. "Let me worry about keeping you alive."

Toji gulped. Well, he had agreed to this. "...Okay."

Toji's headache grew steadily worse while he changed, then moved through some basic warm-ups under Waddell's direction. He asked a few more questions, but got no useful information out of the goon, who fired back questions on tactics in return. By the time they were doing drills on dodging whips, Toji came to the conclusion that Waddell was uncommonly skilled at Judo and wanted to teach Toji some seriously dangerous street fighting techniques. He still burned with curiosity, but asked no further questions.

* * *

Kaji was stuffed into a tiny cubicle farm on an anonymous level of NERV where the sun would never shine, reviewing reports and gritting his teeth at the bland decorations and constant interruptions. The report before him was prepared by the NERV-JSDF joint security task force that was keeping an eye on the Americans. One of four separate task forces with that job, Kaji thought with a chuckle as he read the report with increasing disbelief.

"Wait a minute, he survived a metal beam to the head? And kept fighting?" Kaji set down the report and shook his head at the stack of paper in front of him. "These guys are out of this world."

Unaware of the irony in his statement, Ryouji just looked at the papers, mind sorting and filing facts until his cell beeped at him. He cancelled the alarm on the device, put away the reports, turned off his computer, and made a call on the office hard line.

Ritsuko picked with a tired, "Moshi moshi?"

"Ah, Rit-chan, you sound like you got some sleep last night."

"Do I?"

"Your voice is beautiful any time of the day."

"Is there something you want, Ryouji?"

"Just had some questions for the boys. Do you know where Jared-"

"Was yesterday? Yes. The real question would be where you were."

"I was out of town."

"What do you really want right now, Kaji?"

"I think it's in both our interests to know-"

"Waddell and Suzuhara are in the forest north of town-with their mini-MAGIs this time. Mucha and Ayanami are offshore on a small useless volcanic island. And..." She spat the name out like a curse. "Genoni is with Misato and the other two kids on the beach."

Kaji's research was placed on the hold pile. "Mis-chan's on the beach?"

"She called a little while ago, she wanted me to relay to you that she's wearing that black number from your February '07 beach party."

For only the third time in the last decade, Kaji spent several seconds finding his voice. "...She still has that one?"

Ritsuko's reply came from the receiver now laying on an abandoned desk. "Apparently. Though why she would wear it while the kids are training is beyond me. Especially since she was banned as a traffic hazard from wearing it in Osaka. Anyway... Kaji? ...Are you there?"

* * *

A light wind skimmed across the sand, enough to rustle a hair or two, but not enough to send sand into anyone's face. Populated at any time by a scant percentage of Tokyo-3, the strip of white sand and clear water had only a few beach-goers. The nearest clouds were well off shore, waiting to drift over land in the afternoon for the evening rain. The scene was idyllic, nice even.

Of the beach's few trespassers, the residents of Apartment 723 were trying to enjoy their brief respite from attacks by Angels and goons-that is to say, defending Tokyo-3 and training. Shinji waded in the shallows, letting waves lap at his legs. Asuka was bursting with youthful energy, playfully skipping along the waterline, rushing the water, diving into a wave and wading back to shore to repeat the process. Misato stretched out on her beach towel soaking in the rays. A stammering youth had been handed the honor and privilege of oiling her back. Self-declared Zen Master John Genoni meditated the morning away on his own large beach towel. Seated in a lotus position, he appeared to be deep in concentration. His face twisted into a scowl as he pondered great mysteries and battled a faceless opponent; mimicking great anime battles he had witnessed before living the Eva experience.

In John's mind, the battle moved into the air where it was fought to a draw. Both fighters hovered above a frozen wasteland, glaring at one another until one dissipated. The remaining fighter then noticed a flicker of motion in the distance and flew towards it. The disturbance resolved into a black dot, then a distinct figure. Landing on the mental landscape, the fighter was quite shocked to see Pen-Pen waddling along without a care in the world.

And it was humming to the tune of 'Strangers in the Night.'

John-the fighter-was the picture of confusion wrapped in perplexing paper with a nice vexing ribbon.

The penguin stopped humming to glance at John and speak in Rei's voice. "slide."

The sea bird then did exactly that down a slope that wasn't there a second before.

Realizing that he must be dead if he didn't wake up at this point, John came out of his trance, thinking that things could only be stranger if he opened his eyes to the very same bird starring him in the face at point blank range.

John blinked. He was awake, and the bird was starring at him from a range of a few centimeters. "AAAAAHHHHH!"

"QUUUAAAAAARRRRKK!"

"AAAAAAHHHHH!"

"QUUAAARRRK!"

John clutched at his chest, hyperventilating. "DON'T DO THAT!"

"Quark!"

"...Note to self... Never drink Misato's beer ever again. And shouldn't you be swimming or something?"

"Quark!"

"What do you mean salt-water dries your skin?! You're covered in waterproof feathers, you mutant!"

"Quark?"

"No, I was just thinking about how long it took to manufacture this beach when the old one is underwater about a mile out."

The two looked at the nearly empty beach.

"Quark." The penguin shook its head and waddled down the beach.

"Yak. Yak. Yak. That bird just won't shut up." The goon checked his watch."Time for their fun to end... and mine to begin."

* * *

The streets of Tokyo-3 had seen many dangers; stomping Angels, crashing gunships, cars manned by reckless drivers, an ever increasing number of sidewalk doomsayers... and one Ryouji Kaji putting the Japanese Olympic team and a certain infamous British intelligence agent to shame as he tried to catch a glimpse of Misato in the swimsuit that's illegal in most of this hemisphere.

* * *

Meanwhile in the forests outside of the fortress-city, something dangerous lurked...

"Very good, now get up and try again."

Toji rose unsteadily, panting. "All I was supposed to do was drive the damn robot." As he dusted himself off, he could not find the words to describe the look Waddell-sensei gave him.

"Simply 'driving the damn robot' could cost you an arm and a leg... as the saying goes."

"What-"

A Haunting Voice reached them from the tree line. "I spy with my little eye something that begins with T."

Waddell-sensei put all of his considerable skill at being a moron to use. "Training?"

"Ta-getto."

Toji frowned. "I know that voice..."

"You should, he's your friend. He's been tracking us ever since we passed the first tree."

"And to think, I thought I had hid myself well enough."

"You may be a military Otaku, but you're also a hacker, and we can smell our own."

Sniffing sounds came from the tree line for a moment. "Interesting..."

"Dude, get the hell out here!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Toji." Kensuke said, aiming for an air of haunting mystery and... missing. "You see I was preparing for my own training when you trespassed into my forest. Now, it's too late for me to help you but you can still help yourselves."

Toji turned to Jared. "I don't get it."

"Kensuke has prepared death traps that he's forgotten about." Waddell-sensei smirked. "This entire forest is booby-trapped, Kensuke is lost, and Toji isn't going to survive the day... Well, I've got things to do, you kids have fun." He then lifted off and flew up, up, and away.

"I really hate that man."

Behind Toji, Kensuke silently rose from fully prone to standing right behind Toji. His camouflage BDU was covered in dirt, leaves, and sticks. His head was precisely angled to reflect the late morning light off of his glasses. "I'm beginning to see why."

Toji spun as he jumped in fright, a reflexive mid-air punch and kick combo missing Kensuke by mere centimeters. "AAAH! I hate it when people do that!"

"Then you should get better at finding people."

Derisive, "We'll deal with that later. Are you sure ya don't remember where anything is?"

Kensuke smiled. "Nope! I set up the traps and then hypnotize myself to forget. I remember this one time at computer camp-"

Waddell-sensei made his continued presence known. "Hey! Less talking, more running! KAMEHAMEHA!"

"RUN FOR IT!"

"Not that way!"

An explosion caught Toji on the chin. With any luck, that little rock pile would break his fall...

* * *

On an island far away, Andy had returned to the ground and was moving around the shoreline of the island in pursuit of the albino clone he was supposed to be training. He had not ran his prey to ground yet, but he was nothing if not the embodiment of persistence, being a very persistent hunter. Yes, Andy nodded to himself. That made sense.

A sound caught his attention, and he turned sharply. The maneuver kicked a rock in the direction he was going and came to rest on a very unsuspicious bed of pebbles. Unsuspicious, that is, until the bed collapsed into a hidden pit. Turning at the noise, Andy moved to the edge and got on his stomach to look down into the trap, allowing a very large boulder to swing over him. Had he been standing, it would have caught him in the chest. The noise caused him to rise and look up. Behind him, another boulder dropped to the ground. Andy jumped over the pit the instant the boulder hit, allowing the swinging boulder to miss him and crash into the one on the ground. The impact broke the ropes surrounding the swinging boulder, and both tumbled into the pit, effectively filling it.

Andy gazed at the scene through the settling dust, mind churning until he came to an inescapable conclusion. "Note to self: don't leave the tapes of Road Runner cartoons out in the rec room again."

Immediately following Andy's resolution, Rei lept from the one of the island's many rocky outcroppings, clocked Andy in the jaw with her flying kick and bounded to safety as Andy blasted everything in sight twice; once to get any possible enemies, once more just for good measure. One smoking crater slowly filling with seawater later, Andy continued clone hunting.

* * *

Back at the beach, the trainees and the Major changed into more durable and less revealing clothing. The kids put on their sleeveless gi; Shinji in plain white, Asuka in deep red. The video game reference wasn't lost on the goon, who spent an extra minute staring at Misato's street clothes that looked suspiciously well-suited to a bar brawl. Red tank top, ragged cut-off jean shorts, tennis shoes, and a red bandanna turned into headband. What. The. Hell. Was going on here? She was missing brass knuckles and knee pads, but John wasn't going to hold that against her.

"Thank you for changing, Mis-chan. Not so much for my sake but you were distracting Shinji. I, after all, have seen you with much less on." In the ensuing silence, the ocean breeze blew a tumbleweed by the group. John swallowed. "Seventh form of Bhudda, what did I just say out loud?"

A smirking Asuka waited for Misato to kick the crap out of Genoni. However, no severe beating, even verbal, manifested. After a moment, Asuka glanced expectantly at Misato, who shrugged.

John observed the resulting effect on Misato's... form, but remained silent.

The Tactical Commander finally answered. "I was young, in college, and needed the money."

Asuka paled. John shook a fist at the sky.

Shinji finally had to step in. "Uh, Senpai?"

The goon shook himself. "Hai?"

"Are you ok?"

John forced his arms to relax at his sides. "Of course I am."

"Oh."

"Very well, Maggots..." John glanced at Misato and counted on his fingers. "And... Pencil-neck."

"Pencil-necks are lieutenants. Majors are excused from such designations."

John ignored her. "Well I could have you run for warm ups but the Author's mind is in the gutter, and... I'll just stop there. Let's move on." A lone ceiling tile fell from space and broke over John's head. A panicky passerby screamed something about the sky falling and ran off. "That was weird. Anyway, we're going to do this by wargame rules. If you take a hit to a vital area, you're down until the next round. Head, throat, groin, center of the back, and hits to the joints delivered while you're wide open are all vital areas."

Asuka put her hands on her hips. "So are we gonna get started or are we just going to stand around all day?"

"What the hell does Jared see in you that I don't? I mean, really! Well, I'll tell you one thing, if he ever found out you could only handle level three, he'd-"

Asuka led her flying kick with a battle cry. "YOU DIE NOW!"

John dodged the attack.

Asuka launched a quick backhand. "Fight back, damn y-URK!"

John tilted his head to one side so that Asuka's backhand missed, then grabbed her collar and easily lifted the German quarter-breed off the sand. "I think that's just about enough from you for now."

Violet energy flared around the goon's fist before bathing Asuka. Flame boiled from every opening of the red gi. When the light show ended, Asuka fell bonelessly to the ground while John considered a witty one-liner about baptisms and fire. Then Shinji found his spine and rushed the goon, too late to save but just in time to avenge.

John met the charge, losing a meter of ground to a kicking combo shipped express straight from Korea. The assault was brought to a halt when John grabbed the boy's ankle and flung him away. Shinji landed with his guard up, pausing in shock as he wasn't under instant attack. John hadn't moved a centimeter towards him. He just stood there, watching Shinji calmly for a second before he brought up a hand with his index and middle fingers extended like a gun barrel. Why was he pointing at the sky?

The explosion of ki turned the spot Shinji stood into something like the epicenter of a land mine. The boy's smoking body landed next to Asuka's unconscious form.

Misato dashed... to her cooler?

* * *

In the last hour, Andy had dodged more death traps than the Road Runner, and resorted to simply blasting anything that looked like it might be cover for Rei... or anything that moved... or certain colors... whatever he felt like, really. The top of the island's tallest hill, for example, had been shortened by almost forty meters care of a Gallat Gun. The crater smoldered ominously.

Andy stopped at the shoreline, looking back at the destruction he had wrought in confusion. "The Gallat Gun does not catch things on fire."

Rei popped up from behind a rock. "this is a volcanic island, baka."

"How dare you insult me, clone!"

"get over it. this island doesn't have much time left."

"Ha! With my Masters in Landmass Destruction, I'd say this island has five minutes left. And none of those DBZ minutes that take hours to go by. And since only one of us can fly, this is where we part ways, student!"

Andy took to the air, pausing a few hundred feet above the waves to view the results of his carelessness. He straightened his legs, and realized that Rei stubbornly clutched one instead of running away from lava along the ground. Smirking, the teacher prepared a Gallat Gun for the stowaway...

"are you going to blast your own foot off just to get to me?"

The goon's eyebrow twitched. "...Damn you and your clone-logic!"

Rei remained stubbornly attached while Andy kicked his leg back and forth. Finally, he sighed and began flying towards Tokyo-3.

* * *

In the Forest of Peril, two youths were still vainly hoping to outrun the flying, cackling, fireball flinging blond reaper and live to retirement age. Or least outlast their virginity. They looked like refugees from a warzone by the time they stumbled into a small clearing just a dozen yards away from where Jared had started his own target practice.

"I remember this clearing on the way in, we're almost out of here!" Toji didn't expect Kensuke to tackle him. "Hey!"

"Do you want to get killed?!"

"Me and Jared-"

"Jared and I." Kensuke corrected absently.

Toji glared at the smaller boy. "-made it straight through without any trouble. There aren't any traps."

"Which would be nice but the wind has erased any path of yours from the grass! But say that one more time."

"...Jared and-"

"Oh, you mean the guy that's hovering like a fucking falcon over us firing fucking Kamehamehas at us any time he spots us?" Kensuke rolled to the side and crouched in the tall grass, scanning the smoking battlefield.

Toji sat on the ground and blew out a quiet sigh. "Yeah, him. And when did you pick up swearing?"

"The battlefield is no place for pansy-assed politeness and BEING SHOT AT has been known to make some people forget manners!"

"So you're saying that the clearing is full of traps, not to mention the lack of cover. Can't we just skirt the clearing?"

Kensuke shook his head. "I'd have thought of that..."

"So we just have to find the path we took in and run really fast."

"Looks like it."

"Well, where does the grass seem broken or something?"

Kensuke began moving along the tree line cautiously. "I'm looking."

"Looking... You've been looking the whole time!"

"Well, yeah, we have to keep moving or else that guy could figure out our location."

"No! You said that you've been following us since we entered the forest. What way did you take?"

"...D'oh!"

Kensuke led Toji back several yards, then quickly weaved between several trees. Toji began to notice deliberate, but very subtle marks on the trees they passed.

* * *

Back in the clearing, Jared landed smoothly, finding his energy reserves low. Unfortunately, just as Toji forgot how Jared was a significant threat, Jared had forgotten Kensuke was a significant threat.

Until the first bear trap closed on his leg.

* * *

John met Misato's charge with a quick combo that nearly earned him a broken rib. He shifted to circling her and firing a couple of quick jabs at her guard. The tactical commander bobbed and weaved around the blows like a drunk in a windstorm-appropriate since Misato was about two and a half sheets to wind, and fighting like a drunken boxing master.

The goon shook his head.

Misato. Knew. Drunken. Boxing.

John had the surreal sensation that he'd tripped over the punchline to a joke he'd never heard.

Dodging a sweep that didn't look at all like a sweep, he considered what to call her. Mama Bear? Wild One? A fist swayed near his chin, drawing his thoughts back to the fight. Could he wait her out? A blow grazed his side, and his counter was deflected easily. Almost not worth the effort, but it slowed her enough for him to open up with a controlled kick that gave him some breathing room.

She was landing more hits than him. Another minute of this and the fight would be over. He needed a plan. He needed an ace in the hole. He needed...

His leg bumped into something indignant and covered with feathers.

"QUARK!"

"Hah!" John swept up Pen-Pen in a mugger's hold and put a glowing fist near the bird's head. "Nobody moves or the penguin gets it!"

"Quark!"

Suddenly, his limbs were splayed wide and he was looking at the sky. The shell in his spine was a nice touch, and he felt like a crab was trying to burrow up his-

"Quark!" The bird kicked sand in John's face. "Quark." Then it waddled towards the water.

John sighed. "Just shoot me now..."

Misato's laughing didn't help.

John sat up slowly. "This never happened."

Still snickering, "Whatever you say. So we done?"

"Round one is." John easily flipped to his feet. "Now we work on group tactics."

"It's hardly fair for them if I'm with you though."

"Who said I was getting a partner?" John walked over to Shinji and Asuka.

"Considering I just kicked your ass..."

"Ha! Until now I've only been using ONE PERCENT of my true power!"

Misato snorted. "Keep telling yourself that."

"ENOUGH!" John nudged Shinji with his foot. "Wake up, Ace. You're not done here. Asuka! Heel!"

Asuka popped up as if propelled by a spring. Misato was there as her feet hit the sand, holding her back by the collar.

John waited for Shinji to get to his feet and glare at the goon before continuing, "So, what did you all do wrong?"

Misato looked indignant. "I did wrong?!"

"Yes, Katsuragi-san, you did many things wrong. More power to you if you know what."

Asuka shrugged out of Misato's handhold and settled for glaring at John. "I got impatient."

"I got too aggressive," Shinji offered.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Misato said.

"Asuka, right. Shinji, wrong. Misato... I have all day and a little game I like to call Strip Twenty-Questions."

"You had nothing on me, I owned you the entire time."

"Next time I ask, I'll take your bandanna, then your shirt, your shorts, that suit, then you'd really better start thinking hard. Shinji, you were very aggressive and that wasn't such a bad thing, but you got overconfident." John blinked. "So I must have done something right." He ignored the confused looks sent his direction. "You had me by surprise and retreating from your attacks, but instead of keeping yourself in check you decided to get more flashy. You saw me moving back and cocky not even considering that I was just waiting. It's good that you can rise to the occasion, but there is such a thing as too much confidence in your abilities. You're quick and you've got the moves. You just lack experience fighting at such a level, with time and a lot of pain... you'll get even better. Misato?"

Misato gave John the finger. "Silence, my hangover is starting."

John made a snatching motion with his hand. He grabbed at thin air, but Misato's red bandanna was suddenly clutched in his fist.

"Your headache has not even begun. Asuka, what do you plan to do about rectifying your behavior?"

"I'll kill you straight out instead of trying to beat you to death."

"Isn't she cute folks? You have a lot of skill, but you're arrogant and impatient. Next time keep your wits about you. Misato, what did you do wrong?"

"I outrank you, you tell me." Misato crossed her arms.

John raised his hand and snatched at thin air. Misato's arms didn't budge, but her shirt was in John's hand with her bandanna. He leered a few seconds before answering. "As a military commander, you should have realized that once Asuka failed, Shinji was sorely in need of backup. Both of them couldn't take me, that was quite clear, but there was nothing stopping you from leaping right in there with him to take me down. None of you can take me out on your own. I'm too fast, too strong, and too tough. It's that simple. Yes, Misato, you have me outclassed in skill, but I could have easily just blasted you to next week like I did Shinji or Asuka. I didn't because you were the only unknown, I'd seen Andy's and Jared's surveillance footage. If Pen-pen didn't... interfere, I'd have turned the tables. Quite easily, I might add."

"You were saying something about overconfidence?" Shinji asked.

John favored the kid with a glare. "THE POINT IS... that you guys have to realize, no matter how powerful the Evas are, the Angels are just as powerful if not moreso in some cases. Teamwork is essential and there is no 'i' in-" John frowned. "...There is no 'i' in the English spelling of 'teamwork.' So if you think you guys can work together... Bring it."

Misato gave him a flat stare. "Can I have my clothes back first?

* * *

In the Forest Formerly Known as Peril, Jared was at a dead run. Well, not quite. He would have been if not for the seven darts sticking out of one leg, but he could muster up quite a hobble while channeling a little Jim Carrey just as John had earlier. "It's in the bone! It's in the bo~one!"

His feet crossed a well-hidden wire, and a series of puffs sounded out around him. He dodged the first two, but the remaining three projectiles found their target.

Indignant, the goon yanked one of them out of his neck. "Five darts?! Who in the world shoots five frigging darts?! Why, in my day, we only had to use one darrrr..."

Good thing the forest floor was soft.

* * *

And over the Pacific...

"are we there yet?"

"No."

"are we there yet?"

"Did John tell you to be annoying?"

"hai... are we there yet?"

"GRRRRR, GALLAT GUN-"

"your foot is still in the way."

"You can't hang on forever!"

"watch me."

"...I have been insulted by the best and the worst of humanity, but I cannot abide by being insulted by a clone!"

"and what is wrong with being a clone?"

"...Shut up!"

* * *

Asuka charged her enemy, calling to Shinji after she was in motion. "Try to keep up with me, baka!"

Shinji was moving before he heard the words, but was already too late.

John pointed his palm at Asuka and fired a blast that surrounded Asuka's form in an energy bubble. The American's jump carried him a dozen meters into the air, taking Asuka with him and putting both out of Shinji's range. "Well, well, well. Look what I have here, a bitch ball."

The bubble didn't keep Asuka from making noise. "DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

"That look in your eye, Asuka... You've been watching DBZ, haven't you?"

"Put her down!" Shinji yelled.

"What was that Shinji? Put her down?"

"NO, DON'T!" Asuka shrieked.

"Catch, Shinji!"

The quarter breed was trying to climb the curved wall of the sphere. "GET OUT OF THE WA-"

Boom.

John landed easily with his back to Misato. "All too easy. Both of them are going to have to learn how to take it slower and be more..." John turned around. "Careful?"

Misato didn't reply from a stance that looked familiar, too familiar. Blue energy began to glow in her hands. "Ha... do..."

John gulped. "This is gonna sting."

"-KEN!"

"KAMEHAMEHA!"

The two energy waves meet and began to feed into a slowly growing, stationary ball. The air around the nexus of energies began to move, kicking up a swirling around that tugged at the fighter's clothes and threw sand into the air in a great cloud.

"Not bad, Katsuragi. You really caught me off guard this time."

Misato didn't reply. The energy ball grew larger every second.

"But Dragonball has one thing Street Fighter doesn't..."

Misato finally moved her lips, irritated. "What's that, Genoni?"

"A power up! KAIOKEN!"

John's energy wave doubled in size, pulsing another Kamehameha through his first. The stalemate broke immediately as the ball of energy rushed towards Misato. John cut off the technique to limit the damage done, but a third blast-this time of golden energy-came out of left field and knocked the ball of Kamehameha/Hadoken towards the ocean, where it exploded beautifully. Misato was clipped by the energy wave and landed softly in a recently created sand dune.

John ignored the light show, looking around for the mystery savior. Just as he was about to try sensing for energy signatures, Asuka and Shinji simultaneously burst from where they were buried under the sand and, in well-trained synchronization, attacked him.

The three fought for a minute, with an actual tide of battle varying. Shinji and Asuka were much more cautious of John's low-scale palm shots, using different distraction techniques to avoid being blasted for a third time. Their training for the 7th Angel was the obvious culprit for the way the pair seemed to predict each other's movements and, without saying a word, coordinate rather complicated attacks against their trainer.

None of this made John happy, but for reasons the kids wouldn't believe if he told them. The seventh Angel didn't split into two pieces in this continuity, and wasn't hammered into a mountain by the two working as a perfectly synchronized pair.

Then Misato's fist came flying at the American.

Casting aside his momentary puzzlement, John gathered a ball of energy and blasted the ground right at his feet. Protected by the fact that one's own energy cannot hurt one's self, John used the resulting explosion to clear himself some room. Standing in the middle of a small crater, the goon addressed his trainees. "Much much better, all of you. I just have one more drill and then we go back to NERV. Any questions?"

"Cheap-shot bastard." Asuka stated for the record.

"I'd say that this is training to fight Angels, but then again, I'm actually not trying to kill you. I am going far too easy on you, but this being our first day together... we should start slow. Who knows, maybe next time, your first mistake will be your last. Shinji, comments?"

"No."

"What's this last drill?" Misato asked.

"Multiple enemies... specifically multiple JOHNS!"

John's limbs, then body split and before anyone could scream in horror, three fully-dressed Johns stood on the beach, grinning evilly. The trio spoke as one. "Boo."

All three opponents screamed.

* * *

A dozen meters away behind a concrete barrier, a lone geek spied on the battle. He had been taking the long way home when he saw something impossible-Misato Katsuragi-sama fighting some weird American that split two clones off of his body. There were a couple of Eva pilots aiding the goddess, but the American freak was powerful indeed.

The geek snarled as one of the Americans actually got a hit on Misato Katsuragi-sama, then reached into his pocket to retrieve a cell phone with a photo of Katsuragi on the device-not the screen, but the actual case of the phone. He quickly punched in a special code.

* * *

Outside the Forest of Peril, Kensuke and Toji found Jared's car, which they stood near, looking bored and uneasy.

"You know, I could hot wire this car." Kensuke announced.

Toji stared at him. "Shooting ki blasts at us? That's training. But if we mess with his car, we're gonna die here." Toji wrinkled his brow in thought. "How'd you get out here anyway?"

"My father dropped me off. I'm supposed to make it back home on my own means."

"So anyway... uh, thanks... for gettin' me outta there, man."

"You going to pull some strings, let me be a pilot?"

"I don't think I have any strings ta pull. Those three Americans are in charge of a lot around NERV. And I don't think-"

Jared exploded from the bushes, rolled to his feet, and prepared a Kamehameha for something following him. He was covered in dirt, leaves, and twigs, and most of his gi was torn and frayed. His eyes were fixed on the shadows of shadows in the forest, where nothing dared stir for several long seconds. Finally he relaxed slightly and drew a deep breath, only to round on Kensuke with an accusing pointer finger. "YOU HAVE ISSUES, KENNY!"

"I'm not 'Kenny,' Jerry."

"It's 'Jared,' Aida, and since I'm about the only one that can get you into an Eva, your name is Susan if I so choose."

Kensuke grumbled under his breath.

"What was that?"

Kensuke shrugged. "Nothing."

Something began beeping. Both Kensuke and Toji reached for their hip, retrieving a small pager-like device similar to geek from the beach. Both frowned as they read the message.

"How fast can you get us to the beach?" Kensuke asked.

"Five minutes."

Kensuke blinked and explained which beach he meant.

Jared consulted his Mini-MAGI. "Oh, that's on the other side of Japan. Forty-five minutes if I was suicidal. Although if I could fly... anyway, what's the rush?"

"Who else is on that beach?" Kensuke asked.

"Slave driver." Jared pushed a few holo-buttons. "John's with Asuka-sama, Shinji, and Misato at the beach... how the fuck did John get Misato on the beach? She's probably wearing that-OOH! I hate him! I HATE him! I will hunt him down like a dog, and kill him! There will be no mercy, I will-"

Toji sighed. "It'll be over before we get there. Might as well just head back to town."

Jared stopped ranting and coughed discreetly into his palm. "Right. We'll drop off General Overkill at his house."

Kensuke glared in reply. As Toji and Jared got into the car, he whispered to himself. "Patience. Crush him like a bug after they give you an Eva..."

* * *

Ryoji Kaji's pager started beeping ten minutes from the beach. "Hang on, Mis-chan! And don't get dressed!"

* * *

Misato cupped a hand to her ear. "Did you guys hear something?"

John paused mid-swing. "You mean like the desperate pleas of a man pursuing a goal that has long since passed? No."

"Okay." Misato grabbed John's arm and swung him into the John attacking Asuka. When the two collided, they fused together leaving just that one and the one Shinji was fighting. Shinji's John, sensing the change, decided to jump back and fuse back into just one John.

"Ha! Now I have you exactly where I want... OW! Did you all have to hit the exact same spot?!"

Asuka smelled victory. "Should we pound on you some more or do you give up?"

John scoffed. "To you, Second Child? THAT will certainly be THE DAY! What's stopping me from nuking this place with my power?"

"Uh, your strong moral code?" Shinji ventured. A hearty laugh was shared by all.

"Good one, Ace. No, I-" John stopped and looked around suspiciously.

"What now?"

"We are not alone."

"We're in a major metropolitan city-fortress, Genoni."

John ignored the dig, head pointing at a sand dune in the distance. "Misato, training is over for now. Take the kids and their stuff back to my car, I'll be with you shortly."

Shinji glanced around, worried. "What's wrong?"

"If I told you there was an army amassing three hundred yards away, would you panic?"

"Army? There aren't any JSDF drills today, especially not on a public beach."

The words were barely out of her mouth when a dozen heads peeked over the dune. Followed by a dozen more. Another dozen. A hundred... then another hundred. The color guard at the front unfurled a massive banner that played off of the design of the Japanese flag but with Misato's face as the sun.

Misato blushed. "Oh dear Kami-sama, not them!"

John glanced at Misato, clearly confused but unwilling to puzzle over the matter with potential enemies nearby. "Katsuragi, I said get the kids out of here."

Asuka opened her mouth to protest, but the geek from earlier beat her to it, standing and pointing at John, shouting. "You! Gaijin! You have desecrated the beautiful shrine known as Misato Katsuragi-sama. You shall apologize to Ms. Katsuragi-sama at once, or pay the penalty!"

"Look, guys, whoever you are, Mis-chan and I-"

A collective gasp sounded from over two hundred and fifty guys ranging in age from thirteen to fifty-six.

"INFIDEL! You are not worthy to speak Katsuragi-sama's name! Much less refer to her in such a familiar way!"

"I'm an infidel?" John shrugged. "...Okay, I'm an infidel."

"Prepare to die! CHARGE!"

John thrust a Fist of Determination into the air. "MINIONS! Come to my aid!" For a second, and only a second, he felt very foolish. No actual minions were going to help him. By then he was already at a dead run, ready to smash the entire attacking army by himself. He made it no more than ten meters before the ground threw him off of his feet. He landed on his head, his noggin digging a two meter trench in the dry sand before he came to a painful stop. He pulled his head out of the ground to the sounds of combat.

Around him a horde of faceless warriors in clothing stylistically similar to Misato's clashed with the Admirers in a manner that reminded the goon of stock footage. The battle was half over before John picked his jaw up off the sand and found his voice. "I have a minion horde?"

* * *

Jared and Andy were sitting in a lounge not far from the office, watching a local news broadcast that Ritsuko had informed them would be 'interesting.'

On the TV screen, an attractive lady was standing in front of a beach-cum-war zone. "Hiroshi, I'm here at Ground Zero, as it were. We're at the North Beach of Tokyo-3. Behind me you can see the remnants of this sandy strip of land, blasted and stained by the bloody battle waged almost an hour ago. The two sides of the conflict have been identified as the Admirers of Katsuragi-sama and the Faceless Minion Horde. It is not clear if there was a victor in this conflict or even how such a violent battle could have been started..." Behind the reporter, Ryouji ran around the beach, cursing the heavens.

Both pilots rose as the speculation ran rampant.

Jared held the door open for Andy. "A full-scale beach battle... That's something I'd usually expect from you, dude." Jared said.

Andy nodded. "That's something I wanted to do."

"How did Rei do?"

"My own Gallat Gun can't hurt me, can it?"

Jared tilted his hand back and forth while Andy took the lead. "It shouldn't. It really depends on the technique though. Frieza bought it on one of his own disks. Like if you try really hard, you can bite off your own tongue? I think it's like that."

Andy scratched his chin. "I'm still not sure how that semi-human evaded me."

"Well, either find her now or get over it. Genoni's not gonna appreciate you hunting his favorite."

"How did your thing go? You look like you tried to make out with a badger."

"I heal fast enough. Ran into Kensuke, wasn't as ready as I thought. That little bastard is out of his mind."

Andy grinned in just the way the Eva pilots, NERV administration, several members of public safety, and the local police forces really wished he wouldn't. "So that means he'll be piloting soon?"

"Toji just got his Eva. I think it'll be a bit before Kensuke gets taken in."

"Good, I'm not sure I could handle that-" Andy gave a start, like a gazelle spotting a lion. Sounds bubbled and spat from his mouth. "-BlUe hAiR! DIE, yoU pROduCt Of dIviNe HUbrIs!"

Jared watched the goon charge down the hallway and shrugged at his friend's odd behavior.

* * *

John didn't know it, but he was only a few hallways away from the lounge Jared and Andy had just left, walking at a leisurely pace and whistling 'Fly Me to the Moon.' As he began a new verse, Rei skidded around the corner Breakfast Club-style and stopped in front of him. For a second there, she almost looked relieved.

"genoni-sensei, you are back from training."

"Yeah... you were running. Are you ok? Is something wrong?"

Andy skidded around the corner like an out-of-control tanker full of gasoline, leveling a charging Final Flash at the entire hallway.

John raised a single eyebrow. "Or is it just business as usual?"

The Final Flash in Andy's hands fizzled out. The goon rubbed the back of his head like he had not just been preparing to blast anyone in his path to the next dimension. "Ah heh heh heh... Rei was just, uh... late for a synch test! Yeah."

Rei slowly shuffled around so John was between her and Andy like a shield.

John lifted the other eyebrow. "Oh?"

Andy cracked. "That albino chick is vicious, man! Not just fighting, bah! She, she was frigging mean! She hurt my feelings! THERE!" He pointed. "ShE'S mAkInG fAceS!"

John turned around, and Rei's face was naturally blank. Facing Andy again, "Rei? Making faces?"

"ShE'S DoINg It AGaIn!"

John sighed and looked at Rei again, who appeared so innocent a halo nearly hovered over her blue hair. "If anyone is psychologically scarred, it'd be Rei from being around you, Mucha."

Andy's tone shifted from sidewalk doomsayer shout to ax-murderer whisper. "That crazy clone is more than she seems, Genoni. Remember the quiet ones? She's practically mute!" His eye twitched and he started pointing spastically again. "AnD ShE's MaKiNG FAcEs AgAin!"

John gave Andy a long skeptical look and turned to Rei, who naturally looked as impassive as ever. "Rei, don't think this is my first rodeo, ok?"

"hai, genoni-sensei."

Andy's tone was mocking. "Hai, Genoni-sensei. Bleh!"

John glared at Andy. "Don't you have something to do before our synch test?"

The massive goon chuckled nervously. "Heh heh heh... um... I ESCAPE!"

John watched the retreating figure for a few seconds, then gave a 'what are you gonna do?' shrug. "I can't agree with some results, but... I'm sure he got the job done."

"it's lunchtime."

"You can stop now. You really got under his skin, Rei."

"per your instructions, genoni-sensei." Rei reminded, produced a small spiral note pad and made a check mark on it.

John smirked. "Toying with my friends is fun... But I need bigger fish to fry."

"today is still fish sticks."

"Ooh, fish sticks!"

* * *

Shinji and Asuka were walking down a similar hallway, not surprising since all the hallways looked the same. A female tech passing them winked at Shinji. The Ace blushed while Asuka glared coldly at the boy. The first time such an incident happened, she'd made a comment, but this was one of the more tame come-ons. Heaven help the boy if he ran into Heather...

Asuka stepped in front of the Third Child. "Alright, baka, I want to know just what the hell is going on with you and every woman that we come across!"

Shinji, now irreparably fucked up in the head, wondered how to react to this interrogation. She was insulting him, but that meant she cared. He had to stand up to her, to respect her feelings but he couldn't forget he was a bad-ass mudder who didn't take crap from nobody!

While the boy processed the worst advice ever given to him, Asuka tapped her foot impatiently. "Well?!"

The Ace had come to a conclusion. "What do you care if other women are interested in me?"

Asuka jerked away from the boy as if slapped.

Oh shit, now what had he done?

Then Heather walked around the corner, unwittingly dropping a bucket of napalm on the glowing coals of Asuka's indignation. She announced her presence in English with a helping of sultry. "Shinji? Ah, it is you, I'd recognize that cute ass from any angle."

Shinji just stared, unable to understand what she said, but the back of his brain affected by her tone.

Asuka understood every word perfectly.

Heather ignored the shocked girl in favor of draping herself over Shinji, pinning him to the wall with her two jugs of brain kryptonite. After tasting the youth's tonsils, she slid a business card down the front of Shinji's pants. "Call me. You can do that can't you? You certainly know how to push the right buttons."

Asuka found her voice. "AHEM!"

Heather looked at the girl. "Oh, I see... Maybe some other time. Enjoy the ride, young lady, I'm sure everyone else did."

With that, the woman left the pair, returning to the obscurity of a Random Engineer. Shinji shook himself and closed his mouth, wiping the shocked expression off his face. Asuka glared at him, eyes shrink wrapped in tears.

He reached for her arm. "Asuka, I-"

"BAKA!"

The punch could have taken his head off, but only slammed him into the wall and rattled his bones. In a few seconds he was on his feet, watching her go, and in the next, sprinting after his roommate. "Asuka!"

"Leave me alone! Stay away from me!"

Having gone this far, Shinji grimaced and really put on the speed. He was at her side in seconds, tapping into a strength that dangerous levels of caffeine had unlocked. He caught the Second Children by the elbow and steered her through the nearest door and into a small employee lounge.

Stumbling from the sudden redirection, Asuka tripped into a couch, which she quickly bounced from, landing in a fighting stance. "I said I-"

Shinji smashed the door control panel with his fist, sealing the couple in the room. "You're going to shut up and listen to me for a change! You've never given me a chance to explain anything EVER. But you're going to sit down and can it until I've said my piece, got it?!"

Asuka looked away from Shinji after a second. She would never admit it out loud, but Shinji's sudden display of strength and compassion left her very impressed and just a little turned on.

The Ace took a few deep breaths to collect himself, then caught Asuka's eyes again, matching her glare for glare. Minutes passed like slugs dipped in glue until Asuka finally relaxed out of her stance and sat stiffly on the room's only couch. "So go ahead."

"I don't remember yesterday."

"As if that's a good excuse-"

"I said shut up and listen! I blanked out on the train that morning, and the next thing I remember, Genoni-sensei was talking to me... After that... I was in my room. Misato-san and Kaji-san and you were there... I was really worn out from something, but I don't know what. I keep getting this feeling that I did something really bad but no one wants to tell me what. Whatever I did, whatever I did to you, I'm sorry. I'm not going to hide behind amnesia, but I would like to know what happened so I can make the proper amends."

"Shinji... I... I should be apologizing to you. Those women think you're something else, yesterday... It wasn't you doing whatever they think you did. Yesterday is in the past. I'm sorry for reacting the way I did, I shouldn't have gotten jealous like that-" A hand covered her mouth-her own hand-and from the look on her face, if she could have grabbed the words out of the air before they reached his ears, she would have.

"...You were jealous?"

"Your hurt your hand! Let me find a first-aid kit, sit down."

Shinji considered arguing, but honestly didn't feel up to it. And Asuka fawning over him was a bit too distracting. He sat on the couch while Asuka fetched the first aid kit from the wall and neatly bandaged the small cuts on Shinji's hand. After finishing the job, she held his hand for a minute, both admiring her work before realizing they were holding hands... Only the expected reaction never came. Their eyes slowly lifted to watch the other, and after a moment, their faces drifted closer.

Inanely, Shinji's brain aired the thought that this was easier without Asuka mumbling in her sleep.

After the kiss, Asuka turned away. "Why did you do that? Everybody says that I'm arrogant, careless, and have no control."

Shinji cupped her chin, gently turning her to face him. "Everybody also says that you have a lot of potential to fill. Sure you've got your hard edges, who doesn't? But that doesn't mean you aren't a diamond in the rough."

"Ikari..."

"Sohryu..."

* * *

A thousand meters closer to the earth's core, Jared stood on a dark catwalk, in a dark room. The kind of place a secret organization might use to hide a very large weapon. He held a set of technical drawings in his hands, depicting a gatling gun of very bizarre design. The goon suddenly looked up, startled. "I feel a disturbance in the Force."

Andy walked up to him, dressed in a technician's coveralls and carrying a monkey wrench. Strangely, he wasn't the least bit dirty, as though he'd just arrived. "Not all such disturbances are bad."

"You are correct. This one is quite... melancholy."

"For you?"

The pervert nodded, then stopped. "Where the hell did you run off to? If I didn't know better, I'd swear you and Rei..."

Andy's knuckles went white. "That clone... what of her?"

Jared gave his friend an appraising look. "Nothing. I have to figure out a fix for that hatch. What are you going to be doing for the next few hours?"

"I'm going to be working on Project Waterbug. See you at the synch test."

Andy walked off.

Jared stared into the darkness for a moment, then blinked. "What the hell is Project Waterbug?"

* * *

To be Continued...


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The Gauntlet is Thrown / And Breaks a Window

* * *

In the tiny grey waiting room next to the Synchronization Test Cage, all of NERV's pilots waited for their tests to begin. Toji sat on the small, uncomfortable couch. Jared perched on the thin back of the room's uncomfortable plastic chair like a hawk on a fence post.

The other Children and one goon stood. Rei next to John, Asuka and Shinji leaning against the far wall, stealing the occasional glance at one another. Shinji's hickey gave away more than the lack of Asuka complaining at him. Jared keep glancing at the Second and Third Children like a nervous father. Andy... had been watching John play a game on his Mini-MAGI ten minutes ago, but returned to the ductwork at the conclusion of level two and couldn't be far away, given the buzzing sound coming out of the nearest grate.

"Gah! Another one?! Goddamn Ritsuko and her-" Andy's voice trailed off in a string of curses.

Jared glared at the vent. "Andy! Just get down here and wait like a normal person!"

A grate dropped from the ceiling, denting the floor upon impact. Andy's inverted head poked out of the hole. "Normal people wouldn't be waiting to do what we're going to do a mile underground, Jared."

"Hmm. Andy, a word in private if you please."

Andy dropped to the ground like a hunter tracking prey. "I don't please."

Jared stepped off the chair and walked to the unoccupied corner of the room, Andy in tow. "When the fuck did we get minions?"

Andy frowned. "Minions are an essential part of being ruler of the universe, Waddell. Why would I not have them?"

Jared shook his head. "John called up a bunch on the beach."

"I had assumed he enslaved some random passerby. This is... worrisome."

"Worrisome because you think he can brainwash an entire crowd in a matter of seconds without anyone noticing?"

"No, worrisome because he's stealing my minions!"

"They're not-" Jared pinched the bridge of his nose. "Subject change. Hyuuga's a moderately skilled kick-boxer."

"The pale one is pretty good at dodging my ki attacks."

"He was part of the AMK group from the beach."

"So my minions can defeat kick-boxers." Andy glanced at his comrade. "How did you learn this?"

"I fought him."

Andy raised an eyebrow. "On the beach?"

"No. On the way here. I made a comment in the elevator on the way here. He got... testy."

"You're not bleeding..."

"Mucha, there's moderately skilled, then there's me. But look, Misato can throw a freaking Hadoken and knows Drunken Boxing."

"So you're saying they're a challenge?"

"I'm saying... what the fuck did we do? I know that Misato couldn't do that when we arrived. Or... I mean... maybe... fuck. I can't stop trusting my own brain."

"Yes," Andy said sagely. "It always has the best arguments."

Jared frowned. "Are you okay with everyone magically getting more powerful just because we have powers?"

"It is no concern to me. I am the strongest of all."

"Yeah, until some random NERV technician collapses your rib cage with an iron palm strike."

"Talk to the palm-blast." Andy leveled a hand at Jared, who immediately tackled him to prevent another hole getting put in NERV's walls.

Toji stared for a second, then rolled his eyes. John didn't even look up.

Ritsuko opened the door that connected to the Synchronization Test Cage Control Room, and scowled at the goons from its threshold. "All right, everyone in the control room. Preparations are complete."

The Japanese pilots nodded and marched past Ritsuko through the door. John followed them with but a glance at Jared and Andy. The fighting goons didn't pay her a shred of attention.

Ritsuko idly rolled something their way just before the door closed.

Andy picked up Ritsuko's little gift. "Ha! Now that I have this..." He squinted at the object. "M67, you'll kneel! Kneel before Zod, Son of Waddell!"

"Dude, that's a grenade."

"That's what I said! Now bow before me!"

"Is it yours?"

"It is now!"

"...Where's the pin?"

Andy blinked. "Good question."

* * *

The control room was relatively quiet, with batches of technicians in blue jumpsuits checking various consoles while Misato looked over some paperwork and Maya operated one console. Shigeru entered a few seconds before Ritsuko and found his seat at another console while the doctor had the five youths line up along the back wall. The large armored windows at the front of the room offered an excellent view of a row of open tanks surrounded by masses of equipment and huge cylindrical objects known as synchronization test plugs.

The doctor began their briefing. "Right, since there are five of you-"

"Seven." John automatically corrected.

A muffled explosion sounded through the armored door leading back to the waiting room. Ritsuko smiled at them. "Five. It's safer to do three at a time, just in case. So Genoni and Suzuhara will wait until we've collected the data on Ayanami, Sohryu, and Ikari."

"Shouldn't you have at least four plugs ready to test us with? Hell, with the time it took you, one would think that there should be seven test plugs in the pool."

The armored door opened to reveal a smoking Jared and Andy crawling into the room. From the condition of their clothes, neither should be alive.

Ritsuko pouted. "Oh poo, they survived. Suzuhara, you will be joining the others in the first round of testing, understood?"

Toji gave the pair of smoldering goons a wary look, "Uh, sure, if it gets me in a different room."

"My... associates and I will stay here and monitor our trainees."

"You say that as if you had a choice in the matter."

The two began a staring match. Misato quickly stepped between them. "Riiight, anyway, you four get to your plugs, we'll get started... soon. I hope."

The four youths were guided out of the room by the technicians, leaving the goons to take up residence in a small cordoned-off area in the corner of the room while Misato and Ritsuko spoke in heated whispers.

"What is with you two?!"

"He started it."

Misato shouted to John. "Did you?"

"...Maybe."

"What did he do?"

Ritsuko shot the rubbernecking technicians a glare. "I can't discuss that here."

"If it's so bad, then throw him in the brig."

"She definitely can't do that, Major." John spoke up.

Both of the women glared at him. "Why not?"

"Given the super-secret nature of the... thing in question, Ritsuko can't risk putting me in prison. NERV is under a lot of scrutiny and can't afford a leak." John indicated the groaning bodies of Jared and Andy. "Then there's that whole 'Cats and Mice' thing about vacations. Jared and Andy can separately be locked up with minor effect on the other's behavior; but I'm more of a key stone."

"We'll see, Genoni. We'll see." The doctor promised.

Asuka's voice interrupted the discussion over the speakers. "Are we starting or what?"

Ritsuko held her hand to John in the universal 'stop' sign. "I ignore you now. Maya, you may begin the tests."

* * *

The test went smoothly for the first twenty minutes. Boilerplate was dispatched in a timely fashion, and the hard numbers started rolling in.

Misato was the first to comment on the results. "Asuka's marks are really high this time."

John nodded and added his two yen. "She's got a lot of potential, it's just a matter of proper direction."

Misato gave him a glare. "Trying to blast her into Kingdom Come doesn't qualify as 'direction' in my book, Genoni."

"Who said anything about this morning?"

"She looks... really sad and joyful at the same time. I wonder why?"

Without any subtlety, John changed the subject. "Shinji's is very high too, but it could be higher, I'll have to work with him some more."

Ritsuko glared at the goon this time. "What do you mean 'work with him?' More bootleg stimulants and unoriginal pep talks?"

The technicians made a mocking 'oooh' sound.

John ignored her, turning to the two crumpled heaps on the floor. "Are you guys awake yet?"

The smoking pile topped by a tuft of blond hair answered the deck plate. "No."

The scorched ball with black hair answered. "Five more minutes, warden."

"Toji and Rei-sama need coaching, you negligent jokers."

"You try holding an exploding grenade sometime, see how you feel."

"You can nap in the plugs, you've already missed half an hour of the water-works."

"Fine." Andy stood and jumped the railing in a single motion, and found a microphone quickly. "Rei, do better!" He slumped over the control panel. "There, that ought to do it. What's she at now?"

Maya checked her console. "No change."

"Then the clone is useless."

Several the techs froze and stared at the goon. "Clone?"

John jumped on top of an empty console. "Saint Crispin's Day!"

Even as every set of eyes in the room locked onto him, John finished fiddling with a shiny device vaguely similar to a pen. A flash of light filled the room. The curious looks turned instantly to blank stares.

"Andy shouldn't be mumbling about numbers, he doesn't understand them anyway, just ignore him." John said.

Ritsuko blinked and spoke up. "John, get off that computer! It's time to switch off anyway."

* * *

The rest of the tests passed without major incident. When the goons got out of the test plugs, Ritsuko had marching orders for the trio. "I want to see all three of you in my office immediately."

All three replied reflexively. "I didn't do it."

"MY OFFICE, NOW!" But she was yelling at a wet spot on the deck. "...Idiots."

* * *

A number of feline decorations peeked out from between the neat stacks of paperwork in Ritsuko's office. More flanked a pair of computer terminals, still more spied on the office from a tall filing cabinet, and cat pictures stared at visitors from the desk. A classic black swinging tail cat clock even watched the door, flanked by more pictures. The opposite wall, normally reserved for various notes, neatly held an array of degrees, diplomas, awards, and trophies all bearing the good doctor's name, but no cat decorations.

The clutter that normally overwhelmed the office in the way tidal waves overwhelmed quadriplegic surfers was conspicuous in its absence. A large sign with the words 'The End is Near' in Kanji mocked the totems of accomplishment, and reminded the doctor of just how much useless crap this office could hold.

Just inside the door, a functional guillotine waited for certain unsuspecting visitors.

The doctor rubbed her hands together, awaiting three unsuspecting visitors, only to sigh after the door failed to open on cue. Abandoning the evil hand rub, she pressed her fingertips together, digits steepled in front of her mouth just like Ikari. She felt more than a little like the commander at the moment, trying to force the goons to play her game, by her rules, and lose like they were supposed to.

Ten minutes ago the goons disobeyed her order, playing out another dangerous move in their private game with NERV. A game that had outlived its novelty and really had to end now. Sure, the goons had made things interesting around the office, but that alone was not justification enough to let them live.

She sighed. She knew she wasn't thinking about this rationally; that was why she needed to take a pound of flesh out of them. Success... failure... destiny... these things meant nothing to those three. They seemed to be bending fate, as well as the laws of physics, out of sheer willpower... and to no constructive end.

Could they defeat her at her own craft? In her own domain? On her own terms?

The door opened to reveal Waddell. He had showered and dressed in his 'uniform,' and carried a yo-yo.

The doctor watched like a hungry crocodile, musing pushed aside.

The American ran the brightly colored toy up and down with a few practiced flicks of his wrist. Then he put it through its paces. A few arcs, a rock-the-baby, and an around-the-world that clipped his hair and nearly hit the door frame.

For the finale, he resorted to the old walk-the-dog. The spinning yo-yo rolled along the floor from Jared's black sneakers toward Ritsuko's desk passing under the guillotine for the third time. This time it contacted a nigh-invisible trip-wire.

The goon let out a low whistle as half of his toy skidded across the floor, disappearing under Ritsuko's desk. The other half bounced away from the huge blade embedded in the floor and came to a stop against Jared's shoe, where it toppled onto its side.

"Remind me to lodge a complaint with the customer service department, those jerks at the gift shop promised it would last me weeks. To their defense, I don't think they had this kind of use in mind. Oh well." Jared carefully stepped over the fallen blade, glanced around the office like he wasn't looking for hidden traps, and sat calmly in the middle of three seats set before her desk for the occasion.

Ritsuko spoke without moving from her pose. "So, where are the others?"

The crackle and snarl of an electrical arc filled in for Jared's answer, followed quickly by shouting... from the room's larger vent. "AH! Daughter of-that's it! GALLAT GUN FIRE! ...Huh? AAAIIIAAARRRGGGHHH!"

Jared glanced at the vent. Ritsuko did not. Andy opened the door a moment later, back to his Hawaiian tourist uniform. He tripped on the guillotine blade, caught himself by hovering for a moment, then sat in the chair to Ritsuko's left while adjusting an imaginary tie. Along with the doctor and the pervert, Andy ignored his scorched appearance, frankenstein hair, and damaged clothes.

After an uncomfortable silence settled in and made itself at home, Andy stood suddenly and jabbed a finger in Ritsuko's direction. "YOU!"

"Where's Genoni?"

"Never mind that weakling!" He gestured emphatically, adding air quotes as necessary. "Those 'tracking sensors' of yours in the vents must go!"

"Or you could just use the hallways like a normal human." Ritsuko made a subtle wave. "Where is Genoni?"

"He's on his way. Those traps must go immediately."

While not visible to the goons, Ritsuko felt her smirk was audible. "Another Angel is expected soon according to your reports. Security is appropriately heightened until the threat status is downgraded."

Jared's eyes widened a second before John flickered into existence behind the free chair with a soft pop of displaced air. Two fingers were pressed to his forehead. Andy started, but Ritsuko merely shifted her glare to the arrival.

With nary a glance around the room to confirm his whereabouts or safety, John took the empty seat. He was also showered, but his hair indicated that he could actually identify a comb. Crossing his arms over his chest, John returned Ritsuko's full-power death glare.

Andy's brain caught up. "And then there's always that."

"You're all late, even beyond fashionably. And don't give me that old 'we got lost' line. You've each found your way to my office plenty of times before on your own."

"Do you really want an answer to that, Rit-chan? After all, I thought it was the Japanese that were famous for skipping the 'blame-game' and solving the problem."

"You avoid the question with... racial profiling?"

Jared slipped into golf commentator mode. "A questionable move indeed for Genoni. But it seems to have disrupted Akagi's train of thought. Let's see how she deals with this."

Ritsuko offered Jared some of her glare. "Shut up, all of you."

Andy jumped on the bandwagon. "Ah, anger. And redirected towards everyone in the room. Though it's not clear what Akagi is trying to accomplish, usually such a display breaks down future conversation and it all degenerates into a shouting match. Unless it's a matter of misdirection, in which case..." With entirely feigned innocence. "What?"

"A few weeks ago, you three stole top secret plans from this office."

The Pervert and the Maniac echoed one another. "We did?" Glares followed, which shifted quickly to John. The Psycho didn't acknowledge them.

"Rather than just throwing all of you in jail, I decided you'd get bored with the project and give it back, after all, the designs inside were incomplete and useless without a supporting framework that document did not describe. What could you possibly need it for? I will not underestimate you again. I want the notebook and the designs back, you will give them to me."

"I'm not sure what you're babbling about, Doctor, but we can-" Jared was cut off by John speaking over him in a bored monotone.

"No."

"No?" The doctor asked.

"No?!" Andy and Jared mirrored her.

"No."

Ritsuko did her parade queen thing again. "You will give me the designs."

"No, I won't."

The levity on Jared's face evaporated. "John, what's this about?"

"I will give you the designs." Andy said suddenly.

John and Jared both turned their heads to look at the Maniac.

John made a subtle wave, looking back at Ritsuko. "No, you won't."

"No, I won't," said Andy.

Ritsuko's returning wave was sharp. "Yes, you will."

"Yes, I will."

John gave his own wave a little style. "No, you won't."

"No, I won't."

"Yes, you-"

Jared stood on his chair. "PEOPLE! There has got to be a better way to handle this than some battle over Andy's will."

"Hmmm, you're right." Ritsuko grinned evilly.

"Of course I am, now-"

Ritsuko made a grabbing gesture at thin air, then jerked it sideways. In time with her motions, Andy was lifted into the air and sent flying at John. Unfortunately, Jared was directly in his path and found himself smashed between Andy and a solid ki shield.

"Get off me!"

"I'm trying!"

John didn't move. "Are you done, Rit-chan?"

"My designs?"

"They are hardly yours."

"John, just give the bitch her plans!" Jared yelled.

Ritsuko's hand moved again, and Jared and Andy were thrown against the far wall. Then their chairs were flung at John's shield. A dozen times.

John looked at the mess. "I'm not cleaning that up."

"Give me back the designs for the Angel Compatibility Project, Genoni!"

John blew her a raspberry. "Make me."

"I'll kill your friends."

"I'll help."

"You're bluffing."

Jared moaned from the floor. "We're fine, thanks for asking."

John ignored the interruption, "You're wasting time."

"I'm wasting time? You guys say the next Angel is due any day now, and we only have a three Evas available. Someone put Unit-04 in dry-dock, the rest of the Evas are still assimilating their S2 organs, and your juvenile games are putting Unit-06 far behind schedule!"

"Nice try, but I don't give a damn about that shit."

"Then try this on; I'll give you one hour to get your head out of your ass. Then, if you're not at the designated location with that notebook, you had best be hiding. Understand?"

John looked too smug to be sincere. "Perfectly."

The door to Ritsuko's office opened. She gestured to the opening. "You'd better get moving."

John walked to the doorway, then paused. "Oh, Rit-chan?"

"What."

"If for some illogically suicidal reason I choose not to bring the ACP plans, what should I bring?"

"A few large plastic heavy-duty bags would be considerate."

"Would it? Ok, I'll see if I can stop by the store later."

"Asshole."

John grabbed Andy and Jared by the ankles. "You know you love it."

The door closed behind him.

Ritsuko's smile of respect warred with her snarl of anger for a moment, then she dismissed both. John would probably be trying to stand up his comrades and plan for the coming battle right now. He'd certainly had time to make plans.

She rose. Time to borrow a page from their book and throw a wrench into the works.

* * *

John woke up slowly. After a few minutes, he found out that his tongue still worked and that there was a wet spot on his desk. "Wha? Where?"

A voice answered from somewhere in the room. An angry voice. "You're in our office. Andy dragged us back here after Ritsuko jumped you."

John slowly sat up. Why hadn't they dumped him in his chair? Speaking of being unconscious in the presence of Andy and Jared, he checked his clothes. Nothing missing. "Andy dragged us back?"

"KONNYANYACHIWA!" Andy hollered from the couch.

John rolled off the desk and into his chair. "What is that now, your catch-phrase?" Ignoring the grunted reply, "What time is it?"

Jared slapped a hand on John's desk. "Time for you to start explaining!"

"Indeed." Andy said from the couch.

John didn't spare either one a look. He did start pawing at the holographic display from his Mini-MAGI. "Good, I wasn't out for that long."

Jared moved around the desk and grabbed John's wrist to get his attention. John tried to free himself with a basic wrist-technique.

A second later, John started complaining about how cluttered Andy keeps his desk.

"Hey, flip him onto your desk next time!"

"What the fuck was Akagi yapping about?!"

John teleported away from Jared, and Andy's desk, appearing before his own desk. "You weren't paying attention?" He dropped into his chair and quickly rolled back two tiles, left three tiles, right five tiles, then back three more tiles. "I have something someone like her should not be in possession of."

A lone ceiling tile dropped onto Andy's head along with the Angel Compatibility Project Notebook. John took a page from Toriyama and 'Gohan-grabbed' the book before Jared could respond.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"You were at the wrong place at the wrong time, dude." John turned to Jared, frowning as his chair squeaked. "And what are you going to do now?"

Jared shifted into a fighting stance and leveled a glowing palm at Genoni. "I don't like to be fucked around with, Genoni. I want answers."

"Then ask me questions."

The Pervert blinked and the glow faded.

"What's in the notebook?" Andy asked.

"Ritsuko's notes on completing the Angel Compatibility Project."

"Which is?"

Jared didn't answer, looking as clueless as Andy sounded.

"The Eighth Angel, Sandalaphon, was captured in its embryonic state. In a nutshell, they want to raise the Angel to become an Eva. So far they've succeeded, most of the B-type armor is in place and with a couple days of hard work, Unit-06 will be operational."

"Wait, how did-"

"Every Angel starts out an embryo, just like you, me, Pen-pen, every multi-celled organism on the planet. The final form of an Angel however is determined by environmental factors, as opposed to some predetermined shape. This is why the Angels are stronger, now, because we're here pumping all sorts of energy into the equation and thus the Angels' maturation takes this into account and makes them stronger, faster, smarter, whatever. Or we can go religious and say God is evening out the field. The point is, with the proper stimuli, you can grow an Eva from an Angelic embryo, not just from its engineered DNA."

Gears clicked into place within Jared's head. "You can't control it though. Evas don't have souls, hell they can barely move without an S2 organ or external power. Angels don't have that problem."

"No, they don't and yes, control was Ritsuko's greatest stumbling block." John gave Jared a look. "You could probably put a better system together given a few days of time to work on it. Ritsuko... couldn't succeed no matter what she tried."

Jared finally dropped out of his stance in favor of sitting in his chair. "And you?"

"Call it... thinking outside the VHS box."

Andy groaned. "That's the best you could come up with?"

Jared ignored Andy. "What did you do?"

"I resolved the control issues and completely revamped the plug to accommodate my modifications."

The Pervert stared at him as if he had grown a second head. "You?"

John looked to each side, then behind himself. "Who else?"

"You flunked every engineering class you took. And need I remind you about the Computer Science Incident?"

John twitched, his mouth suddenly working on autopilot. "They salvaged the entire building and the school had enough insurance!"

"Exactly: You couldn't possibly have done any work on any engineering project, much less one that involves technology a world away from ours."

A lone ceiling tile fell landed Jared's head. "What the fuck?"

"I didn't do it. But it seems to happen a lot when you question the fourth wall." While Jared glared at the ceiling, John pushed himself to his desk and started rummaging through the drawers. "I did have help."

"So we're giving this back to Ritsuko, right?"

"Of course not."

"Well, I'm glad we all agree on-WHAT? Why not?"

"Because Ritsuko works for Gendo and Gendo works for SEELE or for his own goals which is just as bad. If worse comes to worst we will need Unit-06's firepower on our side. If she gets a hold of these plans she'll fuck with everything. And then if it still worked, they'll find a loyal puppet to use it. Kensuke would give his right testicle to pilot this thing."

"So you've positioned yourself against every major force in this series except horniness... I don't think you'll make it out alive, much less in one piece."

"So what now?" Andy added.

"I'm going to confront Ritsuko."

"Nice knowing you," The Maniac said with a smile.

"Are you insane?" Jared coughed into one hand and straightened his clothes. He ran a hand through his hair, which had no visible effect on either his hair or his wide, wild eyes. "...Let me try that again-"

"Jared, you seem very spooked for someone who tried to channel Bruce Lee that one Halloween."

"She's a fucking JEDI! Hell, a Jedi Master from the looks of it!"

"Yes, a Master Jedi. I took two semesters of Basic Jedi myself, made Padawan before I graduated."

"And you think that's going to help?! You don't even have a fucking light sabre!"

"I was broke enough as it was, do you know how much those fancy flashlights cost? 'Sides, I'm fixing the weapon problem right now."

Jared rose, stalking around the room as he ranted. "Look, Misato's powerful, Makoto's a kick-boxer, Ritsuko is a fucking Jedi!"

John sat up, realization lighting up his eyes. "You're panicking because Kensuke caught you off guard. You think that Akagi's riding the Saga's Uber-Villain effect and that I don't stand a chance. First let me ease your worries, yes, she is benefiting from the S.U.V."

Andy and Jared glared at him. Yeah, that was a terrible pun. Worth it, though.

"Now you don't have to worry, now you know."

"And knowing is half the battle." Andy finished out of reflex.

"Shut it, Mucha! John-"

"Secondly, the reason you're feeling so vulnerable is because you no longer have the Series Hero Effect protecting and empowering you... I do."

"How?"

"Remember when I attacked you with that plunger the other morning, but you decided not to ask?"

"Why is it always the ones I don't ask about that bite me in the ass?"

"Because those are the best ones." John snickered. "You should've seen the look on your face when I jumped out of the bathroom."

"I think I have a Polaroid somewhere," Andy put in.

"Don't change the subject! The S.U.V. trumps the S.H.E. unless we're at the End, and you know it!"

John smirked. "But the Hero gets special access to Chekhov's Armory."

Jared's eyes narrowed. "You have a Plan?"

"Yes."

"Oh." The goon of perversion nodded sagely, then frowned. "YOUR PLANS NEVER WORK!"

Andy finally got to his feet. "ENOUGH! Genoni! What does this little escapade with Ritsuko have to do with myself or the weakling?"

Jared rolled his eyes.

John finally stood as well. "Andy, I'm tasking you with getting the Children out of NERV. I don't want them anywhere near the GeoFront. Train them, ice cream, movie, I don't care, they must stay out of NERV until this is finished."

"A lowly task! You insult me!"

"You're tasked with protecting the hope of Mankind, you delusional nutbag! Truly, the fate of the world is being laid at your feet. Wouldst thou kick away such an honor?"

"I suppose you two couldn't handle such a task. Verily, I am off!"

Andy jumped into the overhead vent and disappeared into his second home. John turned to Jared.

"And what are you going to con me into?"

John flipped through the ACP notebook. "You get to play courier and deliver this to Ritsuko's black ops technicians." He pulled a metal lockbox from one of his desk drawers and locked the notebook within. "A Mr. Walters has the duplicate key to unlock this thing. Vikki knows where he is so bring her along."

"Vikki is in the blender at home per your request."

John set a Mini-MAGI decorated with hazard yellow and black markings on his desk next to the lockbox. "There was an actual reason I was late to our meeting. Take Vikki and use her to find Walters, I cannot have you getting lost this time."

"You'll have to be more convincing than that."

John sighed and thought for a few seconds. "If Ritsuko's riding the S.U.V. effect, and she already has mastery over a sumo wrestler, I'm sure there's going to be a ninja waiting to keep you from delivering Vikki."

Jared stopped fidgeting. "Why would I care about fighting a ninja?"

"You tell me. You won't talk about what happened on that train."

For a moment, the Pervert looked ready to tear John's head off, then he deflated and dropped his own Mini-MAGI in a desk drawer. Strapping Vikki to his wrist, "What about you?"

"She issued the ultimatum, I'm going to give her noncompliance. I'll try to hold her off as long as I can, but you have to get the project to that department before she gets past me."

"This is a fight you can't win, Genoni."

John smirked. "Not honorably."

"You still need something to defend against a light sabre."

"I'll find something." John's Mini-MAGI beeped. "Get going."

"...Good luck."

"You too."

Jared dashed from the office with the lockbox tucked under his arm. John looked at the message on his Mini-MAGI and confirmed the location Ritsuko designated.

"Today is a good day to die... but surviving and pissing off people would be even better." He smirked, then started rummaging through hammerspace for a weapon.

* * *

To be Continued...


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Like Two Retards Fighting Over a Cupcake / Yes I Went There

* * *

Boredom gnawed at Shinji's bones, yet sleep ran from him in fright. He glanced at Toji, surprised that the other pilot had also stayed awake.

After the sync test, Misato promised to finish up some paperwork quickly and take them home, maybe stopping for some ice cream along the way. After the first hour dragged by with no word from the Major, the pilots took over a small lounge not far from the testing room, and another hour later... were still there.

Shinji sighed. The ventilation grate next to the couch opened, and a blur jumped out, bounced off of Asuka, cleared Toji, and tackled Shinji. The pilot took a moment to get his bearings, and realized a pair of jaws were caressing his throat. Asuka flipped to her feet and launched a flying kick at the goon crouched over Shinji, Toji joining her charge with a fist.

Andy pulled away from Shinji to dodge the kick, then intercepted Toji's fist to put the pilot in an arm-bar. He twisted quickly, putting the human shield between him and Rei, who... stood there reading a notebook.

Shinji rolled to his feet, a hand checking his throat.

"Ayanami, get your face out of that book," Andy ordered.

"Hold still so I can kill you!" The redhead shouted, trying to kick him around Toji.

"Let go of me!" The shield demanded.

"Yeah, put him down, or I'm putting you down!" Shinji threatened, moving in concert with Asuka so that the goon was between them.

"Your requests are all unreasonable, so my answer is no." Andy announced.

Auksa blinked, looking at Shinji. "Put him down? What, like by insulting him?"

"S-shut up, Asuka!"

The girl smirked.

Andy dropped the struggling pilot. "Okay kids, now that I have your attention... Ayanami!"

"yeah, yeah." Rei closed the notebook.

"Ahem. Now that I have your attention, who wants to go see a movie?"

The group shared a suspicious look, and Toji made himself the spokesman. "Is that a trick question?"

Andy smiled. "Wrong, it's not a question at all."

Shinji clenched his fists.

Asuka sighed. "Why do we even try to communicate with you?"

Andy shrugged. "I don't know, why?"

Asoka clutched the sides of her head in agony. "AARGGHH! The stupid!"

"Elevators are this way, kids. Stragglers will be shot."

"he's probably serious," the albino whispered to Toji, who nodded vigorously.

Asuka scoffed. "C'mon, Shinji. This'll be worth a laugh or two."

Shinji shrugged. At least it would be interesting. He resisted the urge to take her hand as the group followed the insane American towards the surface elevators.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, right in the middle of that big pit of crazy known as the Geofront, John waited and puzzled. Grass. Why was grass covering the bottom of the Geofront? He could find no answer after a minute, and so filed the mystery away for later and continued towards the forest. He adjusted the leather strap, complete with decorative steel buckle, that held a leather sheath on his back. The decorated hilt of a sword stood proud over one shoulder, its weight on both his body and mind as he walked towards his destination.

The forest a dozen meters in front of him made even less sense than the grass. Also, it wasn't even in the anime. The trees were easily the biggest he'd ever seen. Far taller than an Eva. Even ignoring the why, he couldn't fathom how someone had moved fully grown giant redwoods to what was essentially a cave with a city suspended seventeen hundred meters above.

On the other hand, Evangelions.

John walked between the giant redwoods casually, stopping only when he reached the clearing at the center. A black tower more than thirty meters in diameter erupted from the center of the grassy clearing, obsidian sides reaching almost two hundred meters towards the city above. John gave the top of the tower a glance, but could make out no detail due to its incredible height. The slim staircase that spiraled up the side caught his eye. Still... something was missing. "Hmm... I'm early, but I was expecting traps or something."

"Yes, that would have been prudent of me, but how else can I be certain you're out of my hair, except by killing you with my bare hands?"

John turned his head to sight up on the doctor as she stepped out from behind one of the trees and casually strolled towards him.

Her attire had not changed, but sheathed katana now graced her left hand, ready for drawing and slaying.

John nodded at the sword. "Am I supposed to be afraid of that?"

"You will be... You will be."

"Sorry, I don't think so."

"So you've decided to do this the hard way. Very well, I can always Force Andy into giving me the plans. Or Jared will be more than happy to cooperate after a little friendly persuasion from Maya. You are of little consequence."

"And you are of little conscience. You're a fool to be looking past me, Doctor, I wield Evil's Bane on my back."

"Some crude tin mock-up of a 'weapon' featured in a video game? You've been annoyingly unstable in the past, Genoni, but I think I'll enjoy this suicidal turn in your nature."

"Rit-chan, you talk a great theory, but that's where you always stop; at theory... never practice." John reached behind his back, jostling the leather strap crossing his chest. "I forgot to bring the bags like you wanted, what with being punked just outside your office... but I did bring this." He pulled something free and threw it at Ritsuko's feet. The package stuck in the ground like a plastic-wrapped shuriken.

Ritsuko picked up the microwave popcorn bag and smirked. "Ah yes, your pathetic popcorn ritual. I must admit, when I read the reports, I thought the guards were drinking on the job."

"It's fat-free, I figured you could use a diet."

Ritsuko frowned darkly. "What's the sword for, Genoni? Afraid of something?"

"Merely being careful... You know what a cautious guy I am."

* * *

An hour of following the directions of a talkative watch had brought Jared to the end of a massive nameless corridor. He'd literally wandered off the map stored in his normal Mini-MAGI, stopping where the hallway swelled into a square room with a massive set of armored doors covering the far wall. His stride still held a subtle swagger, and an armored box was under his arm, but a resigned look had climbed his smirking face to roost in his eyes. Eyes which scanned the room before locking onto a card scanner next to the huge doors. He balanced the box on his head and sighed. "I... am fucking lost."

"Arriving at last check point," said the watch.

"And I don't know where we are, or how I got here, or how to get to somewhere I know... ergo, I am lost."

"Our destination is through this door."

Jared sighed and put the box back under his arm. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your destination. What about me? I'm missing out on John's big fight. They better a-" He had began to take a step towards the door when his foot refused to touch the floor. Eyebrows screwed up in confusion, he bent double to examine his own raised foot. "Most... curious."

He straightened out as if his spine wasn't made of silly putty and dropped his lead foot to the floor, instantly catching something out of the air in front of his face, and turning in the same move to dodge a sword aiming to impale his liver.

Behind the sword, a black shadow faded away to reveal huge black figure a full head taller than the goon. Every inch of its bearing promised violence, and the sword it held looked long enough to serve as a spit to roast the goon upon.

The Pervert's face slowly took on a carefully blank look, then he checked on the projectile clutched in his hand. "Kunai. Nice balance. Poisoned edge, I assume?"

"Our destination is through this door," the watch intoned.

Jared dropped the kunai on the floor. "I am only here to deliver some plans."

"You will deliver them to me," the Ninja growled in a voice that could stop an army in its tracks.

"You don't look like a Walters," Jared said with a frown. He rubbed the box nervously.

"I will take those plans all the same."

"I don't like being told what to do by ugly guys in black pajamas," Jared said to the glowing red orbs that served as eyes.

The Ninja raised his sword, voice rumbling. "That is your problem,"

"And this would be... YOURS!" Jared said, shouting the last word as he flung the box at the Ninja.

* * *

At the traffic signal next to the park, Andy congratulated himself on his cunning deception skills. The pilots had witlessly followed him away from the danger of NERV into an uninteresting section of Tokyo-3 where they would have little chance of being accidentally killed in the spat between the so-called geniuses down below. Yes, he had been brought low-or rather, high-by cheap trickery and was stuck babysitting. Him, babysitting! It galled him that he was now missing out on a prime opportunity to hone his skills against the nefarious Genoni and that honorless cur Waddell, due to their trickery!

This called for a Solemn Vow. "I must best those two fools."

"Mucha, we can hear you," said the fire-haired girl to his left.

Ignoring the remark, he plowed ahead. "After I... BECOME THE IMMORTAL RULER OF THE UNIVERSE! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! BUWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Mucha!"

Something followed the exclamation. Something weighing about ninety pounds and traveling at about forty miles per hour. Something aimed directly at the back of his skull, the impact flipping him head over heels several times as he skidded across the sidewalk. When he came to a stop, he shook some errant sand from his brow and glared at the something. "Whoever did that is a dead man."

The redhead gave a Dramatic Hair Toss. "I don't think so, you maniac. I'm not even a man."

Andy rose to his feet and noted that a house of electronic gaming occupied most of this block, facing a rather empty park. He narrowed his eyes at the redhead again. "More's the pity then. So, how shall we do this? Me, beat you all up? You all, running away in fear?"

The invertebrate next to the annoying girl took up something that insulted a fighting stance. "How about we just kick your ass?"

An interesting remark from the kid.

The tall and normally noisy one also took up a defensive 'stance'. "I don't know about this, Ikari."

The other kids stared at the noisy one. The redhead actually walked to him and looked him in the eyes. "What's wrong with you, soldier?!"

"This morning that pervy guy knocked me out, drugged me, dragged me out to the middle of nowhere to drill on combat techniques for an hour, then when Kensuke showed up, he shot Kamehamehas at us! I'm TIRED of this crap, Sohryu. I've had enough for one day!"

Sohryu hummed, squinting at the tall one. "I see." She turned to face the great Andy. "Well, I'm done training too. Now what?"

The clone did not appear to take sides, merely watching as a collector watched a captured insect.

The soon-to-be ruler of the universe considered his options, and his honor-bound promise, choosing to ignore for a moment the lowly ways that had been employed to trick him into the agreement. He needed to keep these larvae alive for the time being. He could leave them on the sidewalk, but that was not a thorough solution worthy of one such at him. But over there, in the nearby park... a plan formed in his Amazing Brain. "Ah, I have it!"

* * *

The ninja caught the box with ease, lunging at Jared with another slash in a practiced delivery of violence.

The sword passed through empty air, missing Jared by mere centimeters. The ninja put the box somewhere and spun in place, flinging dozens of throwing stars and a handful of kunai in every direction. Dozens became hundreds, then thousands. They rained upon the floor. They beat upon the walls. They covered the ceiling. The room transformed into a box lined with poisoned razors; the occasional greased pommel of a kunai sprouting between the blades like lethal steel daisies.

With the barrage finished, Jared descended upon the shadow from thin air, leading with the edge of his hand and a cheesy battle cry. "Judo chop!" The Pervert's hand passed through the figure like it was smoke, because it was smoke. He twisted and landed on the handle of a kunai, took a small sniff of the acrid cloud, and curled his lip in disgust. "Menthols."

The sword came at him again, this time from his side. The goon jumped back, flinging a handful of throwing stars at the blade and the figure behind it. The ninja slashed through the hail of metal. Literally. Shuriken were cut in half, sending shards of metal whizzing past the figure, who took advantage of Jared's puzzled look to attack again, sword moving faster than the eye could possibly follow.

Again, the goon was incredibly quick on his feet, jumping back from the attack and landing with his back inches from shuriken embedded in the wall. Then he stood, appearing casual, and balanced the metal box on one finger. "I assume the shuriken are poisoned too?"

The ninja didn't reply, but held off his attack for a moment. He pulled out the box he had grabbed just seconds ago, then glared at Jared.

Grinning, the goon pulled out a third identical box, letting it spin lazily over the other hand. Then his shirt opened up, cut cleanly across the English text 'Engineers do it with calculus' from the ninja's previous attack.

Though the black mask covering his face didn't twitch, Jared got the distinct impression that the ninja was smirking.

The goon threw the boxes to the floor, where they knocked dozens of shuriken and kunai loose, and threw the ninja a 'come hither' gesture. "You wrecked my new shirt, prepare to die."

* * *

Andy took note of his surroundings for potential police reports later. The arcade made a nice landmark. Then, ignoring the chitter of the group following him, he crossed the street and entered the park, walking for a few minutes before finding the perfect boulder. Next to a playground, the rock visible above ground was the size of a small garage. Andy grinned. It was time to show these witless youth what real training meant. "The boulder test!"

"What's the boulder test?" The Invertebrate asked.

Andy patiently explained the test. "I select a boulder, and each of you must lift it yourselves. You aren't allowed to leave until you can lift this boulder right here." He patted the huge rock for emphasis.

The loud redhead looked annoyed... which was her default facial expression, and crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine. You lift it first, though."

Andy smiled benevolently. "Excellent, I'm glad you see things my-what?"

"You lift it first."

The tall male nodded. "Yeah. No reason for us to waste our time, let's see the 'great master' do it first."

The Lord of the Universe was not supposed to be the subject of sarcasm, but if a demonstration would engrave the right kind of respect into their bones, he would demonstrate. "Fine, but you're all making a big mistake."

First, he set his feet in a Power Stance.

Next, he squatted deeply, and dug his hands into the soft dirt next to the rock. Feeling around for a minute, he located sturdy purchase and held on tight.

And... lifted.

For a few seconds, nothing moved except air from Andy's lungs as he grunted. "There..."

Another pause gave the peanut gallery cause to smirk at him.

He could have swore something just gave. Could have been his spine. Still, he pressed on. "Can..."

Abruptly, the rock shifted slightly. Not a lot, but visible from even the back row of the peanut gallery, evidenced by the tall boy's declaration, "No way..."

The smirks were gone now, and Andy put his back into it. "Be..." Slowly the rock began to rise, bits of earth stuck to the bottom. Eyes watching him widened. Jaws loosened.

With a last burst of strength, Andy thrust the rock over his head, now revealing that only half of the boulder was above the ground line. "ONLY ONE! BOW BEFORE ME WEAKLINGS, FOR I AM THE STRONGEST IN THE UNIVERSE!"

"Mein Gott!"

Andy turned his head to smirk, until a single cicada landed on the pinnacle of the boulder.

The goon's legs shook slightly.

"...I hate those bugs."

And with barely a chance to yelp, the ground at his feet gave way, letting Andy slip right into the hole he'd created and the boulder following. The children felt the thud through their feet as the rock settled back into place.

The cicada chirped its legs once and flew off.

"Do you... do you think he's dead?" Shinji ventured after a moment.

"I don't think we could be that lucky." Asuka remarked.

A dirty fist punched through the ground in front of them. The pilots all screamed like little girls and jumped back. Andy followed seconds later, pulling himself from the dirt and slowly rising to his feet. Then he stood before them, beating dirt off of his ruined clothes. Right when someone started to ask if he was okay, the goon started chewing the scenery.

"There I was! Miles beneath the Earth's crust in the lair of the Mole People! They were under attack by the Evil Worm Masters... We battled for hours until finally the enemy was totally crushed! But it was a heavy victory... The Mole People's King had been mortally wounded and thousands of his warriors lay vanquished. On his deathbed the King entrusted to me the fate of his people. But, alas, my duties on the surface called to me. I handed over the reigns of the kingdom to brave Mazuki who fought by my side in that epic battle. With a heavy heart, I clawed my way back to the surface only to find YOU-" He pointed at the children, free hand clawing the air by his ear for effect. "-slack-jawed freaks just standing around were I left you!" He added a Bruce Campbell smirk. "They wanted to make me king. But in my own way, I am king." Then executed a double V-for-Victory pose with Mt. Rainier behind him over the Stars and Stripes flapping in the Dramatic Breeze. "HAIL TO THE KING, BABY!"

Shinji raised an eyebrow. "Mucha-san? You were gone for five seconds and couldn't have been pushed more than two meters into the dirt."

"you are probably suffering from a hallucination from the boulder falling on you, mucha-sensei." Rei added.

Without looking at the object on his wrist, Andy pointed at it while shouting. "Then why is my WATCH off?!"

"My question is where the mountain and flag came from... and where they went." Toji muttered.

Shinji patted his friend on the back. "Don't ask. Down that road lies madness."

Asuka grabbed Andy's arm to look at the Mini-MAGI's face and compare it to her own. "It's perfectly on time, baka."

Andy muttered under his breath. "That's it, everybody start training!"

"Here?" Shinji asked.

"mucha, we already trained today." Rei said with inhuman patience.

Andy's Mini-MAGI beeped. The Goon of Destruction looked puzzled, then derisive. Then he checked the device. His eyes lit up. An evil grin marched across face. Eyes burrowed into shadow, then crimped into murderous slits. His next words rattled the bones of the dead and drove knives of fear into the hearts of the living. "Soon..."

Then he turned his burning gaze onto the pilots. "Ready stance!" He barked. By reflex, the pilots dropped into their stances. "Begin your training!"

Andy wandered away.

A full minute passed before Shinji relaxed and stood normally. "He's not... he's not behind me, is he?"

Toji looked. "Nah, coast is clear dude."

Asuka performed a hair toss. "Well, I'm done with this crap. Who wants to join me in the arcade?" She pointed back the way they'd came.

The others shrugged.

Rei was already walking out of the park.

* * *

Minutes after the troop of Eva pilots left the park, two figures popped out of the disturbed earth. Molemen.

"There goes a great man," Said the one with the pipe and smoking jacket.

"We shall truly miss him," Added the one in the blue overalls.

The pair watched the group depart the park, then ducked back underground.

* * *

The Ninja had to admit that the American was good-too good to live. For the past twenty minutes, he had been pulling shuriken out of the walls and flinging them at the Ninja to suppress any possible offense. Once the walls were mostly clear, the goon's movements took his feet to the walls so that he could scoop shuriken off of the ceiling and floor for ammunition. Finally, he'd run out, and paused for breath.

Literally, as he was panting like he'd just run circles around a Ninja throwing shuriken non-stop for twenty minutes. He gave the other warrior a 'stop' sign as he braced his other hand on a bent knee and panted. "Dude... time out... for a sec."

And that would be the opening the Ninja needed. Without a second though, the huge figure moved with impossible speed directly towards the goon, who... shifted. In an instant, the American was closer than he should have been, a foot intercepting the Ninja's floating ribs.

The black-clad body bent double over Jared's foot with a muffled crunch, then disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. Behind Jared, the Ninja swung its sword once, separating the goon's head from his body. The two halves of Jared drifted lazily in the air, now black smoke. Then Jared's foot smashed into the Ninja's stomach.

The huge warrior hit the far wall, rebounded, and landed on the floor in a twisted heap.

Jared, still in a fighting stance, watched the body lay still for a few seconds. He stepped closer and flipped the figure over with his foot before yanking off the mask. He expected scars and permanent frown lines criss-crossing a face locked into the expression one had just after licking fresh asphalt, even while asleep.

What he laid eyes on was the face of a young girl with a wide scar starting at her temple and running across her cheek to the base of her pert nose. She was impossibly cute. Not sexy, not gorgeous, just... cute. She coughed, gasped, trying to regain her breath, and Jared held very still, shuriken in one hand, his other holding tightly onto her mask. "Wowsers..."

Her eyelids fluttered and opened slowly, revealing tantalizing flashes of limpid hazel, then squeezed shut as she wheezed, drawing breath into protesting lungs through clenched teeth. Then her eyes opened again, focused on the goon, and narrowed. Jared didn't even think to block the slap.

The force of the blow sent him crashing into the metal doors. The shuriken in his hand stuck an inch into the wall, and several coins bounced off the back of his head. His NERV ID card bounced lightly off the wall, fluttered in a non-existent breeze, and dropped neatly into the card reader slot next to the door.

With a beep the portal opened, and Jared tumbled inside. The doors rapidly shut behind him, leaving the last of his change to rattle to a stop on the battle-scarred floor, while the ID was nowhere to be seen.

The Ninja blinked. "Kuso."

Jared groaned, rubbed his jaw, and stood to take in the room he'd entered ass-first. "Oh, I made it."

"Routing complete." Vikki added.

Jared looked around the room a second time, just to make sure the shelf full of glass jars containing brains was real, and not a chemically-induced hallucination care of that ninja. It sure looked real...

A thin man dressed similar to the goon appeared from a nearby hallway. "The Seventh Cell is no place for tourists, young man."

Jared looked around. "I dunno, after defeating the ninja at the door, any tourist who made it inside most certainly deserves to be here."

The man smirked. "Indeed."

Jared considered the man. "And you are?"

"Smart enough not to tell you my name."

"Oh, an Engineer." Jared held out the box. "Delivery for a Mister Walters."

"What for?"

"Section Two's pet project."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"So? Jared Waddell, Intelligence."

"Morton Wallace," the man said with a sigh. "Walk this way."

The man strode away at high speed. Jared shrugged and matched his rapid gait. Matched it exactly.

Two hallways later, they ducked into an office filled with computers and paperwork. Drawings littered all three desks, two filing cabinets and all but one of the room's chairs. A dark man with a thin beard was rifling through a stack of drawings, a phone receiver perched on one shoulder. The cell phone on his belt rang angrily.

Morton gestured to the man. "This is Jerak Walters. He should know what you're talking about."

Walters was off the corded phone in seconds. He checked his cell while gesturing to a chair at random. "Oh, he can wait." Thusly decided, he put the cell away and looked at the goon. "American, huh. What can I do for you?"

"Your department is supposed to have this." Jared held out the box.

Walters took the object and set it on his desk, then went on a brief search through his desk drawers before finding a single brass key and holding it triumphantly in the air. He used it to unlock the box, and pulled out the plans within. "Hm... Oh, hmm..."

"Well?" Jared prompted.

"I do believe this is what we need. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Jared considered the offer for a second. "I could use a few shelves for storing something."

Walters nodded at Morton. "We have some space in the western storage room. Show him."

Jared raised his hand. "Um, how do compass directions help when we're a mile underground?"

Walters shrugged. "This place is a maze. We just named the room that randomly."

Jared bowed to Walters reverently, tearing up. "...My people. I have found you."

Walters, puzzled, bowed back. "We've always been here."

Morton, standing in the doorway, coughed to get Jared's attention. The American joined him at the door, waving to Walters. "I'll write!" he promised.

* * *

Misato burst into Central Dogma, wiping off her smeared lipstick with one hand and holding her unbuttoned blouse closed with the other. "What the hell is going on down here?"

Shigeru stared at the screen in morbid fascination. "Morpheus is fighting Neo." He blinked. "I mean, it's John and Ritsuko... they've been at it for forty-five minutes."

"At what... why is John carrying a sword?"

Ryouji entered, conspicuously adjusting his pants. "What the hell?"

The video came with audio, so as Ritsuko's mouth moved, her words were heard by the officers in Central Dogma. "Fucking Camper."

John countered. "Quad-whore."

Misato couldn't tear her eyes away from the display. "This... is quite frightening."

"Raving lunatic."

"Psycho bitch."

Kaji frowned and checked the time on his own Mini-MAGI. "They already gave up on the alphabet method?"

"Ten minutes ago." Shigeru confirmed. "Then they tried the shiritori method... that wasn't pretty."

"Evil genius."

"Mad scientist."

Misato drew a breath in shock. "I never made it past ten minutes in college with her."

"Freak."

"Quack."

Kaji muttered to himself. "I made it to thirty minutes... then I ran away crying..."

Ritsuko set her jaw, and charged. "Viva la Red Team!"

John rushed to met her. "Blue Team forever!"

* * *

If either combatant knew they were being watched, they showed no sign they cared. Ritsuko drew her sword with practiced speed, senses intent on the American coming at her. John drew his own sword, momentarily puzzling the part of Ritsuko's brain that recognized it from the old Legend of Zelda video games. The rest of her brain noticed how clumsy the draw was, as if this was the first time he'd done it and he didn't want to cut off one of his own arms.

The doctor was mildly surprised when her katana didn't cut through the Master Sword, but the sparks thrown by the clashing blades were old hat. They separated before the sparks burnt themselves out. For a second, the afterimage of the goon hung around on her retinas, then she dodged a set of wild strikes, watching how he handled the blade with a clinical eye. After a few seconds, she could see no real discipline behind his assault, and drew back to the woods. "You really act like you know what you're doing." Her emphasis on the word 'act' could have been a taunt or a casual observation.

He pursued her with a lunging overhead slash. "I know how to survive, Rit-chan. And unlike you, I'm not here to kill."

Neither was she. He let his weight move too far up preparing for the slash. She could have gutted him before his blade came down, but unless he'd swallowed her notebook, that wouldn't give her more than a grim sense of satisfaction and some dirty clothes. "And I am?"

John leaned to one side of her counter. "Not like you'd admit it."

"So I'm a liar? That's it. Haven't you got anything better?"

John hacked at her blade, held it down. "Dark Jedi."

Ritsuko smirked, then shoved him back into a tree with the Force. Then she shifted, and dashed at the tree. She missed his neck by a few centimeters, her sword passing through the side of the tree with a sharp cracking noise. John's stab at her back went wide as he underestimated her speed. He gave chase anyway, following her towards the tower in the center of the clearing.

* * *

"Shooting Kamehamehas?" Shinji asked. "While flying?" He clarified.

Kensuke nodded, staring into his can of soda. Around him, machines blinked and flashed and beeped and trilled. The lights reflected off of his glasses and erased the features of face. The limp, drained tone of voice he assumed when answering, completing the apparent transformation into a lifeless doll. "Yes. He sniffed me out. Threatened Toji and I. Took to the skies. And then... fire."

Shinji resisted the urge to facepalm at the melodrama. Kensuke had arrived at the arcade about the same time as the Eva pilots, and the ground had quickly procured some drinks and taken over a small corner of the immense gaming space to chat. "So, in other words business as usual around the goons."

"Pretty much," Toji mused, eyeing a row of fighting games across the open floor of the arcade.

Behind him Asuka worked on goading Rei into joining her for a round of Dance Dance Eva. Shinji was a little startled at the effort required to tear his eyes off of Asuka's backside. "Right."

Toji's eyes snapped back to Shinji. "Oh, I heard about that thing at the beach, dude."

"Yeah, we only had the upper hand for a minute."

Kensuke shook off his funk immediately. "Yeah, how could you!"

"He's a lot stronger than he looks. I mean, when he put Asuka in that energy ball I-"

Toji blinked. "What? I'm talkin' about Katsuragi-sama."

"Uh, she held her own."

"No, the swimsuit!" Toji shouted.

"And letting Genoni set his grimy paws on Katsuragi-sama!" Kensuke added.

Shinji's mind ground to a halt, gears unmeshed. "...What."

"He..." Kensuke caught himself and forced out a calming breath.

Toji patted him on the shoulder.

"Seriously, what?"

Toji waved off the question. The boys soon joined the girls without Shinji getting an explanation he actually didn't want. After watching Rei trounce the redhead soundly for a moment, a sixth joined them.

"Wow, quite a crowd here."

Reactions to Hikari's greeting were mixed. Asuka and Rei continued their match, but the boys scattered at the first word, all instantly dropping into defensive stances.

Hikari's smiled faltered. "Time to switch to decaf?"

The boys quickly stood normally and tried to look nonchalant. Toji chuckled. "Nah, tired of getting jumped an' shot at by crazy people."

"Aren't we all," Asuka deadpanned, then hopped off the game. "Damn it, Wondergirl."

Rei dismounted. "i still got it. good try, sohryu." She slapped Asuka on the butt.

Asuka froze. "Did she just..."

"i am merely attempting to bond with my fellow pilots."

"Bond away, don't mind us." Kensuke adjusted his glasses and chuckled.

Then Hikari decked him with a piercing cry. "PERVERT!"

Shinji and Toji were back in their defensive stances.

Asuka rubbed her forehead. "I can't take this anymore." Her Mini-MAGI began beeping. "And I have a test to take. See you guys tomorrow. Shinji, I'll see you tonight." She paused, licked her lips, and gave the boy a little wave before turning towards the doors and walking away.

From the crumpled heap of Aida on the floor came a mocking whip noise. Hikari stomped a foot into the heap. "Bye Asuka! Good luck on your test!"

"Yeah, knock 'em dead!"

"Um, good luck Asuka!"

"fare well, sohryu, and farewell."

* * *

The battle had moved to the staircase.

"You fight like a weak little girl!"

The insults had returned.

"You fight like a dyslexic crab!"

They crested the top of the tower, John nearly stumbling as he saw that it was covered in roses arranged in neat waist-high planters. Ritsuko took advantage of the perceived opening, but was rebuked as John's guard matched her attacks. Both then moved quickly away from the edge, the goon sticking to the main path that led to the center of the roof.

At the very center, they clashed in mid-air, sparks flying at the contact of their blades. A second clash sent even more sparks flying. On the third, no sparks. Just a pair of loud, sharp, snapping sounds.

The warriors stopped, each considering their ruined swords, then one another. They now sported matching marks on one cheek. Slowly, each cast aside their damaged weapons, Ritsuko's skipping off the edge of the roof, and John's stopping inches from the precipice.

The goon tilted his head to intensify the lens glare that faced the doctor. "So..."

Ritsuko pulled a flashlight-like object from her belt, watching John's head track the object. With a button press, the air was filled with a keen electric humming and a faint red glow. "Now, prepare to face the power of a fully trained Jedi Knight."

"You wish." John drew his hands together as if holding a sword, though his fingers encircled air. After concentrating for a second, a violet glow formed within his fingers, writhing and twisting for a second, then smoothing. An electric hiss filled the air as the energy extended past his hand, forming a... well, a ki blade.

"What are you going to do with that, trim the rose bushes?"

"This is more than enough to cut you down, dark one."

"Strike me down, and I shall become more powerful than you can imagine."

"I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit."

The two moved towards one another, energy blades buzzing.

Woarown... Kshhhhhhhhzzzt.. Woarnrownroowrow... Ptooo! Kshhhhhawaow... Rownarorrr!

Blades of light clashed, throwing sparks, Ritsuko's block holding John's entire body in the air for a brief moment. In lieu of a useful attack, John threw an insult. "SLUT!"

Ritsuko blocked, narrowly missed John with a sweep, then Force-threw his body out of the air. "MANIPULATIVE PSYCHO!"

Despite their ability to still scream insults at one another non-stop, both fighters were tired. They'd only had the energy blades out for a few minutes, but were too evenly matched. Each brought to bear every advantage available. The rose bushes provided little cover and even less distraction to each trained warrior, leaving the scales of victory and defeat evenly balanced.

"Your mother molested kittens!"

"Your mother drowned your siblings at birth!"

The pair clashed again, blades stopping an inch from each other's face.

"You know, you might be right about that."

Ritsuko relented a millimeter and John pressed his advantage, trying to slice Ritsuko into thirds as she stumbled. Her counter whipped around John's blade, which vanished.

A second later, John's severed, smoking hand landed on the ground a dozen meters behind the scientist.

John grabbed the stump. "You... TOTAL BITCH! THAT FUCKING HURTS!"

"What do you expect? This is a sword fight, after all."

John started laughing in a manner that usually warrants restraining devices. "You know what's funny?"

Ritsuko backed away a step, "What?"

"This is going to hurt even more." John grabbed his forearm just below the elbow. "AAAAAARRRGGGGHH!"

Between the cauterized wound and his hand, a bulge formed along John's arm and rippled as if something was growing and moving inside the damaged appendage. Then with a burst of blood, John's arm was once again whole.

"That's not funny, it's gross! And a crime against natural law!"

John smiled, waved the new bloody appendage at her in a friendly manner, then dashed to the edge of the tower and executed a perfect swan dive.

Ritsuko dashed to the edge and looked down, but saw no John-shaped hole in the ground. No John at all, in fact. She checked a few bushes to find that the nearest half of John's ridiculous sword was now missing. She turned off her light sabre. "Curiouser and curiouser."

* * *

Back in Central Dogma, silence reigned. Well, with the obvious exceptions of cooling fans, fluorescent lights, air conditioning, and the odd bit of plumbing. Slack jaws and wide eyes were the order of the day as of two minutes ago when John demonstrated an ability reserved for a very few species and most of them fictional. Half-full popcorn bowls lay untouched as Ritsuko finished her 200 meter descent-in one jump-and began hunting for the American.

Another American casually walked up to Misato and goosed her. The Major yelped, making everybody jump, then both herself and Kaji slugged Jared.

"Where the hell do you get off doing that?!" Misato shouted.

Bleeding from the mouth, "Just after the pinch and right before the punch."

Misato considered this for a moment. "Are you bleeding on my command deck?"

Jared eyed the floor critically. "Maybe."

"Where the hell have you been? Where's Andy? What the hell is John?"

The goon stood adjusting some sunglasses that he wasn't wearing a second ago, now fully healed. "Busy. Around town. One Badass Mother-oh, that reminds me, I was supposed to tell him something."

"Never mind, Waddell."

Jared shrugged and turned to the main screen. "Fight still on?"

Maya stood on her console in a cheerleader outfit with NERV colors. Her pom-poms were dyed in a manner similar to Ritusko's hair, and her shirt had little kawaii drawings of Ritsuko's smiling face. "Senpai dealt swift justice to him and is chasing the coward to the surface! Go! Go! Ritsuko! Yaah!"

The attendant NERV officers blinked as one. Jared snapped a picture with a disposable camera.

"Hyuuga, make a note. Ibuki's on decaf until further notice." The Major ordered.

"Yes, ma'am."

"No!" Shrieked the resident bridge bunny. "I'llbegoodIpromise!"

Jared dropped his camera in horror. "She's... speaking without spaces!"

Misato pointed at Jared. "You! Shut-up!" Then pointed at Maya. "You! Get some insulin!"

The 'bridge bunny' huffed and left Central Dogma.

Misato stood still and tried to get her breathing under control, until Jared scooped his camera off the floor and took a snapshot of her chest.

After the beat down, Kaji gave her something else to focus on. "Misato? If John and Ritsuko are heading for the surface, and Andy and the kids are on the surface..."

"Makoto, where are the kids?"

"Asuka's in one of the surface offices."

The pile of pain on the floor next to Misato spoke. "Today was her Japanese Language Final Exam. She'll be safe with the professor there."

Misato nodded. "Everyone else?"

"West Side Mall. But Mucha's not with them. He's heading for the building Asuka is in. Driving?"

"Was that a question?" Misato asked.

Makoto frowned. "Well, his speed is about right, and there's private vehicle GPS unit right next to him, but these altitude readings don't make sense."

Misato finally asked the question. "Why is he in a flying car, and what could he possibly want at that building?"

Dun dun DUN!

* * *

The Perfect Goon smiled. The wind nibbled at his clothes and ran through his hair like snakes. The weight of the small Japanese car above him was insignificant next to his power, his body held aloft by the burning desire for revenge as much as the raw strength that flowed righteously through his veins. Today, that teacher's time had come! Today, glorious victory would be his! Today was a good day for someone else to die!

"Revenge is mine, Psycho Sensei! Be ready! BUWAHAHAHAHA!"

The Takahashi Liberal Arts building was an entire building for artists and writers to gather and share ideas and shout "fuck you" to the world before throwing themselves on the easy-clean tiles. All while right next to a giant assault rifle waiting for war. One Asuka Langley Sohryu knew this spot only as Weapons Building 67, a place she could obtain an Eva weapon, and should the need arise, where she could arm herself and wait for NERV security to provide protection and assistance. Escape plans ran through her head even though she has little reason to feel threatened.

Well, maybe one reason. One big reason that dressed in a gray montsuki and black hakama, punished failure harshly and promptly, and could put an ordinary eraser through six inches of reinforced concrete. A reason better suited to the Tokugowa era of Samurai and civil war than 21st century Tokyo-3 with Italian fashion and titanic bio-mecha. But a student needed no one else if they wanted results guaranteed to stick around for the rest of their life. Asuka had been dreaming in Japanese after the first few lessons, and she recently found herself reflexively writing in kanji to her step-mother in Germany. Yes, the Psycho Sensei was a man to be respected above all else. Currently, said Psycho Sensei was seated at the head of classroom containing only a single student. Rather than bother with something like a chair, he was in a half lotus. "You, Ms. Sohryu, are late for your exam."

"I'm on time!" the student protested.

The Sensei opened his eyes. "Cordial manners dictate that you should be five to seven minutes earlier than expected."

"By that-"

"SILENCE! You are forbidden to speak!" He flung a nearby notepad at Asuka's head. "You will write! Or you will FAIL!"

Asuka just barely caught the speeding projectile, then had no problem giving the Sensei her angriest glare. Then she wrote, 'As you wish, Sensei.'

Frowning, but in a pleased way, Pyscho Sensei continued. "Now I will dictate to you and you will write." He cleared his throat, then produced a large pitcher of water. Next, he opened up a huge book and began dictating from the text within. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

Asuka's facial muscles frantically searched for an expression suitable to the situation at hand, and gave up. She wrote rapidly on the pad, and held it up. 'There are only thirty sheets of paper in this pad. "A Tale of Two Cities" is over five-hundred pages untranslated! You can't expect me to rewrite a classic novel!'

Psycho Sensei paused. "Mayhap, young one, but I am the Sensei and I say-"

Then Asuka dove for cover, pointing at the window. "LOOK OUT!"

A small Japanese car crashed through the 23rd story window, aimed directly at the deranged teacher. The Sensei jumped the vehicular projectile and landed in a relaxed stance while the car slammed into the wall behind him with much smashing and breaking.

Asuka picked herself up and looked out the shattered window to see Andy hovering in the classic Vegeta stance; arms crossed, full smirk on his face, the threat of unadulterated pain in his eyes."You Maniac! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

"I jacked Psycho Sensei's car, flew here, threw it at him, and now I'm going to fight him to the death. What did it look like I was doing?"

Asuka gaped like a beached fish.

Out of the corner of his mouth, the Sensei yelled. "I said, you will write, or you will FAIL!"

Asuka stared at him with a 'has the world gone MAD?!' look in her eyes and held up her notepad. The pad held her exact words written in neat Kanji, including 'LOOK OUT' along with her shouting at Andy.

The Sensei nodded. "Much better."

"Don't ignore me! I'm here to defeat you!"

The Psycho Sensei gave Andy a sliver of his attention. "Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe..."

The Sensei faced Andy. "You... Ah, yes. The loud one who was late for all of his classes and soon quit. I no longer have a quarrel with you, stranger!"

The goon smirked. "Guess again."

Confused at first, the Psycho Sensei considered Andy's words, and looked at the car ruining the nice lines of the classroom. "My car..." With a shout, the Sensei propelled himself at the hovering goon. Expecting the assault, Andy easily shot down the eraser salvo, and the chalk rain, but was caught without a proper blast for the human missile.

* * *

Ritsuko stood before a bank of elevators, tapping her foot impatiently. John was close. The Force told her, but the closer she got, the less specific his location became. Usually, she could find the exact room her quarry hid in, but in the goon's case, he could be anywhere on this entire floor. He wasn't sticking around, clearly, so her plan to simply follow him up until the Force stopped saying 'warmer.'

And then...

Well, she didn't plan on killing him, and she knew he'd clam up if she asked him what he was stalling for. Now what?

The old janitor who had stopped her for cryptic advice, then offered a curiously strong mint like a grandparent dispensing candy, seemed to know exactly what she wanted to find out, but the advice?

'The fowl who circles the pond is as foolish as the one who dives right in. Altoid?'

Screw cryptic. Someone else was messing with her. Or was the man in league with John? The elevator dinged, and the doors opened. Ritsuko blinked as a hand grabbed her by the lab coat and she was pressed against one wall with the Force. That could only be one person. "Cheap-shot bastard!"

"Ha! Altoid man was right!"

Ritsuko froze. Time to classify that particular janitor as a security breach. "Don't tell me you understand what he says."

John smiled as if the words coming out of his mouth made perfect sense. "The goldfish shall swallow the tiger only when the peach blossoms are frozen in the sun."

Oh. He was just crazy.

The goon continued. "The mind tricks of a Jedi Master only work on the weak-minded, but the mind tricks of a Zen Master are for everyone."

"You're full of nothing but shit, you know that?"

"I'm going to the surface to get some ice cream, wanna come?"

To hell with ice cream. She started struggling. "Fuck you."

He was maddeningly calm. "Is there a different floor you want then?"

"I said fuck you-" CENSORED "-SON OF A BITCH!"

The goon blinked, twice. He took a breath to cleanse his mind of what he'd just heard, and glared at Ritsuko. "You kiss your mother, Maya, Gendo, Kaji..." John trailed off, counting on his fingers for a minute. "With that mouth?" He looked at his fingers with feigned surprise. "Damn, girl! You do get around."

She spent the next hundred floors straining against the Force.

The goon avoided looking at her. "Careful, Rit-chan, you'll strain something." A few more floors ticked by. "Heh, it's funny. A full minute of pep-talk, psyching myself up with a full on adrenaline boost for what? Half a second to grab the tiger by the tail and render you helpless. All that stress to my system for a fraction of a second of effort. Is it really worth it all?"

"Shut the fuck up." Ritsuko snarled.

"I told you already, Akagi, I'm not here to kill you. But you'll understand, of course, if I don't let you free just yet."

The doctor closed her eyes.

"Good, you could use some relaxation. Look, Akagi, I've got you pinned. You're at my mercy right now. Can't you just accept that neither of us are going to be carrying the other's head home? If this goes on any longer we're going to end up on Tokyo Tower and I will NOT let it come down to that!"

Doctor Akagi didn't open her eyes. "This isn't some stupid anime, this is real life."

"And it's ending one second at a time. How long are you going to spend your life, following the whims of a madman bent on destroying humanity just to see the wife he's responsible for killing?"

"That's none of your business."

"Being liquefied because some dick-head can't move on is definitely my business."

She was quiet again.

The goon continued. "Look, just accept that I've beaten you and we'll get some nummy ice cream, okay? Just... Bad! Bad Hand! No groping the mad scientist!"

Ritsuko's eyes popped open. "Wha? AAAHH! You sick, dirty, perverted-"

"Hey! It's not my hand anymore!"

"Get it off me!"

"Eew! I ain't touching that thing! What the hell are you doing with my severed hand in the first place?"

"Souvenir."

"You have issues. Fuck, you have subscriptions!"

"Me? Why can't I see your eyes. I know those lenses aren't prescription."

"Yes they are. My optometrist is currently in the hospital, mental ward."

"Looks like they grabbed the wrong guy."

"Perhaps, perhaps not. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Are you willing to risk yours just to see mine?"

"You know, you're trying to be dramatic, and it's just not working."

The goon stuck his tongue out. "I just need a better audience, that's all."

Ritsuko thought for a minute. "Altoid man?"

"Hmm? Oh, well, what do you call him?"

"I don't know. I mean, I've seen him around here and there before, but I never bothered to ask his name or even see some ID."

"Afraid of the answer?"

"Didn't I tell you to fuck off?"

"Ok, this is getting ridiculous, is it your time of the month or what?"

"I'm not going to even dignify that with an answer."

"Fine."

* * *

Jared, who had procured a bowl of popcorn from somewhere, was growing annoyed at the lack of on-screen violence. "Well? Where are they?"

Maya appeared before him, hands balled up under her chin, chibified. "Oooooooh, Akagi-sama! What is happening? Have you defeated that insolent fool yet? I wanna see your glorious victory!"

A whisper of noise heralded the arrival of a sleeping dart in the side of the bridge bunny's neck. "What... is... this?" She collapsed on Jared, who copped a quick feel before laying her gently on the deck. Then he brandished a Sharpie and an evil grin.

Major Katsuragi addressed the squad of Abnormally Large Men in Heavy Armor. "That was a nice shot, but you were supposed to wait for the signal."

One of them spoke. "She was getting out of hand, there may not have been time."

"Next time wait for the signal! Dismissed."

The team marched out of the room.

Jared looked up from writing... things on Maya, and raised an eyebrow at the Major.

"Yes, those guys were aiming at you. If I give the word, they'll drop you as well. In fact..."

Jared put away the marker and gestured at the holographic screen. "Let's not worry about that right now. Why can't we see inside that elevator!"

"John zapped the camera a while ago."

"Oh, I must have blinked. FOR ABOUT TEN SECONDS!"

"It was during the time you were trying to look up Katsuragi's skirt," Kaji idly said.

"WHAT?!" The Major drew her sidearm and chased the goon out of Central Dogma trying to pistol-whip him.

* * *

Asuka stared despondently out of the NERV shuttle's window, watching the city pass by without really seeing the buildings. Her thoughts were on the van's other passenger, whom she turned to when the parade of signs, people, and concrete finally bored her. "Sensei, was leaving Andy there the best course of action?"

The Psycho Sensei did not uncross his arms or open his eyes. "He is very stubborn, but he will not attack me until he feels his power is great enough."

"But his power is great! An hour ago, I watched that lunatic draw a boulder the size of a convenience store right from the Earth!"

"Young Sohryu, raw power isn't everything."

"I know that! But he's still far, far stronger than a normal person!"

One eye finally opened, spearing the pilot with a look. "And what am I? Chopped liver?"

"That's not what I meant!" Asuka huffed.

"Mucha-san still has much to learn in the ways of ki. It is up to him to develop his talents."

Asuka glared at the passing buildings for a minute. "Teach me how to defeat someone like that. Someone stronger, faster-"

Psycho Sensei closed his eyes again. "You already have trainers, young one. Of questionable quality and effectiveness to be sure, but I would not accept a student so eager to shift around."

"I don't 'shift around!' They keep shuffling us around like some ridiculous card game! Genoni uses Wondergirl to tease Andy from afar, Mucha hasn't taught Shinji or Suzuhara anything remotely effective, and Jared didn't even put up a fight when-"

The Psycho Sensei raised an eyebrow at the sudden, embarrassed silence. "Then adapt. Learn what is useful. Discard what is useless. Do not solicit me on this matter again."

"Don't call us, we'll call you."

An interrogative grunt came from the huge man.

"An American semi-polite way to deny a proposal, Sensei." Asuka explained with a sigh.

"No, not that. Driver! Kamakura Street elevator, quickly!"

"Yes, Sir!" the minion up front shouted in reply.

* * *

"Found them!" Shigeru announced. "Kamakura Street."

The officers behind him stopped debating on whether this clash of geniuses was fight of the week material or would be relegated to merely fight of the day, and turned to watch the screen.

The main screen flickered and resolved to a nice security camera view of a sushi bar and a comic book store. A public information booth was squeezed in between the buildings, and the facade swung away after a moment to reveal elevator doors that themselves opened a second later. John dashed from the elevator car in a diving roll that scattered the few pedestrians on the sidewalk. Ritsuko followed him out, walking regally into the city.

"Wow, they're both still alive." Shigeru noted dryly.

Makoto sounded disappointed as he found the audio feed. "And both of them seem to be unharmed."

Jared frowned, "Then why is John's hand covered in blood?"

On the screen John was talking. "We can probably stop now. This fight has served its purpose."

The Major glared at Jared. "What's he talking about?"

Jared shrugged and lied. "Probably made Ritsuko miss her soaps or something."

"Don't make me call the tranq-squad back here."

"Hmmph, I've taken in enough tranquilizer to drop a whale-this morning in fact! I fear no elite sleep squad!"

"Shhh! I can't what they're saying." Kaji complained.

* * *

Down on Kamakura Street, Ritsuko had finished her latest insult.

John stumbled back from the weight of the verbal blow. "That... that was harsh. I mean, you've said some pretty nasty things to me this-" John glanced at the sun, about an hour from setting. "-evening, but that one really cut deep. My grandkids are going to be born with complexes because of that one."

Ritsuko drew her light sabre, but left it deactivated. "Last chance."

"Ha! You think I am at a disadvantage?!" John grabbed a cylindrical object that had been tucked into his belt. With a sweeping draw, centrifugal force drew out a series of tapered cylinders, resulting in a long neon green cone. "Fear my mad Jedi skillz!"

"Mad is right." Ritsuko grumbled to herself. Then more loudly, "You've got to be kidding me."

* * *

Back in Central Dogma, the assembled stared at the screen.

Misato spoke up first. "He's lost his mind."

Jared, standing next to her again, shook his head. "No, he's just using it. Sure it's possible to extend your ki into a blade itself. But the concentration required is a headache all on its own. Much easier to find a suitably shaped object and focus your ki off of that."

"He didn't seem to have too much difficulty with the ki blade earlier." The Major commented idly.

The goon stared at her in shock. "What?"

"Ki blade. You know, made from his command of his life force outside of his body, and formed into a shape like a sword. What would you call it?"

"Um... good point. Earlier?"

"He formed a nice purple one before Ritsuko cut off his hand." Shigeru supplied.

"Cut off... his..."

"But then he grew it back." Makoto offered.

"Grew... back? The fuck did I miss?!"

Shigeru turned around to take in Jared's white face. "You ok, dude?"

"John has no business throwing around that kind of power, especially on camera... I must find Andy." Jared immediately marched out of the nearest door.

"What was that all about?"

"Who cares? But I think John is really hurting in the power department if he can't form a blade on his own anymore."

* * *

John brought his sword to a defensive position. "You can't win, Akagi. Defeat will only make me stronger."

Ritsuko finally activated her light sabre, though she didn't really have her heart in this fight any more. She was still angry though, and Genoni had definitely earned a beat-down. "We'll see."

Tires squealed in the distance, then a NERV shuttle came flying down the street and blindsided John. The American rolled up the sloped windshield of the vehicle, over the roof, and fell off the back to land exactly where he had been standing before, on his feet, sword still drawn.

John tried to shake off the dizziness, and was having little success. "What the hell was that all about?!"

Ritsuko tensed, ready to capitalize on the opening when a larger, heavier, transport followed and hit the goon. This time John was dragged under the large black APC for a few yards before the six-wheeled monster screeched to a halt. A second carrier pulled up in-between the Jedi and her prey as the crew of the first transport charged out with electric batons. Asuka tried to get out of the van but stopped as the Psycho Sensei stepped between her and the APC crew.

* * *

In Central Dogma, Makoto stared at the screen in abject shock. "Who the fuck-"

A pulse of light flashed between the two APCs, and the feed went black with an error message for a few seconds.

Kaji smirked. "Ouch."

Misato tried to say something. Blinked. Then dryly said, "That feed could only be interrupted by a nuclear attack..."

"Double ouch."

On the screen, the light show stopped and the men in black armor grabbed John, threw him into one of the carriers, and took off in a great big hurry, leaving behind blank looks and scorched asphalt.

Shigeru blinked. "Oh, I guess John really shouldn't have been throwing around ki like that."

On the screen, Asuka stared dumbly at the scorch mark. "What the fuck just happened?"

* * *

Ritsuko stepped discretely into the nearest alley while everyone was wondering where John went.

"Ninja Master," she said to the empty space between clean concrete buildings.

The space was instantly not so empty. A huge figure clad in black knelt before the doctor. No sound announced 'his' arrival.

"Contact the other Seven Deadly Guards. Follow John, report to me where he is being held. Scour the goons' hideouts for my notes on the Angel Compatibility Project. I will need daily reports in my office."

The figure nodded once.

"Waddell got into the Seventh Cell?"

The figure nodded again. "There are... complications with that one."

"Tell me you at least made him bleed."

"Not a drop. I did ruin his shirt though."

Ritsuko frowned. "Impossible."

"It was just cotton."

"I meant about you not even landing a hit that mattered on him." Ritsuko considered her next words carefully. "If I told you to kill him, could you?"

"Yes, but the collateral damage would be huge. He is... very skilled."

"Then I will leave him alone for now. There is more than one way to deal with this infestation." The doctor waved dismissively at the figure, which was simply did not exist anymore. There was not even the suspicion that a ninja had been in the alley.

Suddenly the weight of the afternoon hit her like an armored personnel carrier and the Jedi slumped against the building, the strength gone from her limbs and lungs. Ritsuko sighed and looked at the clouds. She felt she had lost a battle she knew nothing about, lost a fight she didn't understand, while facing an opponent she knew nothing about.

"What the fuck did just happen?"

* * *

To be Continued...


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Key Stone / Name That Video Game

* * *

Jared sprinted from Central Dogma to Cage 08 in thirty minutes. Usually he made the trip a three-hour walk and could manage it in a few seconds with the Instant Transmission technique that he and his comrades pilfered from a certain anime series about power levels. Today he beat shoe leather like a misbehaving step child, to mix metaphors, because using ki techniques felt like painting at target on his back, and in three hours all the fun would be over.

In Cage 08, he was greeted by the sight of Andy pounding on a huge Viking Slave drum. Work crews scrambled over Unit-04 like ants tending to an usually huge guy. The weapons had been removed and the chrome armor was gone. Gunmetal-gray panels replaced the armor on the torso where the work crews were concentrating their efforts.

Jared nodded knowingly. "I figured I'd find you here."

Andy paused on his Viking Slave-drum. "S'up?"

"You seem well for somebody who got their ass handed to him by the Psycho Sensei. How long did that fight last, a minute? You weren't even in the betting pool."

Andy resumed pounding on the drum. "Defeat will only make me stronger."

"Speaking of stronger, what's your take on the John vs Ritsuko match?"

"Dibs on his Nintendo stuff."

"...I see. You know some special forces types kidnapped him, right?"

"I just called dibs."

"The fight between him and NERV's Dark Jedi?"

"A lowly peon recorded the match for me so I may review it later. Are we still out of popcorn?"

"Nah, I got some the other day."

"Then all is well."

Jared turned to leave, but spun a three-sixty instead of a one-eighty, his index finger popping up like it was mounted on springs. "They say John re-grew his own hand. Not re-attached. He grew a new one, Piccolo-style." Despite having not witnessed the event, Jared mimicked John's stance and movements but without the spray of gore.

Andy didn't break stride in his drumming. "And he seems to have gotten the basics to the Instant Transmission down well enough. Though his power is weak, he seems quite adept at focusing it properly."

"Just yesterday he measured one hundred. How can he possibly do any of that?"

"Especially since he'd rather just sit there instead of advance like a true warrior!"

"Is it possible to meditate that kind of power?"

Andy raised an eyebrow. "It would seem so; though I highly doubt it. There must be some source feeding Genoni. I trust you are not just wasting my time again. The point, if you please."

Solemn. "The Roof."

"Soon enough."

Silence coddled the pair for a few long minutes before Jared made an observation.

"You know they're not following your drum."

"Yes, but the sun doesn't set for another forty minutes and I would like the correct backdrop for your crushing defeat."

"Only in your dreams, Mucha. One more thing, I take it you're going to be busy here tomorrow and I figure John has probably burnt himself out by now so he's not going to be doing much of anything. That means no escape. I'm going to take the kids up with Units-03, 05 and 07 and work them on the Kamehameha Wave."

"A reasonable idea; start them off on the weakest attack first, then I will teach them true power!"

Jared waved dismissively at the other goon. "Don't keep me waiting."

* * *

The prophesied sunset came, finding Jared and Andy in their usual stances upon The Roof.

Just standing there.

Waiting for something to happen.

For three hours.

After darkness had fallen, long after Jared and Andy had become sore from holding their fighting stances for most of the day, one of them had a thought occur. Jared inclined his head to the west, where the sun had kissed them goodbye an hour ago. "We've been here for a while."

Andy nodded. "Isn't someone going to say 'start' or 'fight' or ANYTHING?!"

"Yeah! Where's our ref?!"

"Yeah!"

Ten minutes passed.

Jared spoke again, "Dude, where... the fuck... is our referee?"

"How would I know?" Andy shouted.

"You know what this means, don't you?"

"No ru-" Andy stopped speaking, doubling over around Jared's kick while the air rushed out of his lungs.

The roof access door opened to admit the Third Children. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you two."

Jared came to a screeching halt an inch from Shinji's face. Dropping his fist, "That's funny. Usually everyone seems to know where we are."

Andy got to his feet. "Speaking of knowing where people are, have you seen our missing referee?"

The Ace backed a few feet away from Jared. "Hunh? Well, John's been missing since this afternoon and you two left your Mini-MAGI in your apartment..."

Jared jumped in. "WHOA! WHOA! Back up, Ace. Who's this John guy, some extra?"

The young Eva pilot blinked, staring in confusion at the Americans. "Your friend."

"Who?"

"The evil guy! With the glasses!"

Andy glared at Jared. "What is he talking about?"

The Pervert thought long and hard on the matter. "No clue, dude. Weren't we fighting?"

Andy faced Shinji in a fighting stance. "Him?'

Jared looked uncertain, also taking up a fighting stance facing Shinji. "Maybe."

Shinji sighed, cursed under his breath, stared at the goons, cursed again, then slowly took up a stance. John had taken him down quite easily, but the Psycho and the Pervert hadn't fought him for weeks were currently unknowns.

An F-Type bomber flew overhead, distracting the American duo.

Love Sparkles appeared around Andy as he stared at the military hardware. "DUDE!"

"Dude?" Jared echoed, also staring at the plane.

Andy bounded to the roof of an adjacent building, Jared a half-step behind him.

Shinji watched the pair fade into bouncing dots of shadow on the horizon. "What's going on?"

* * *

Two evenings later, Ritsuko finished checking over the latest set of reports on the goons' activities. Two of them, anyway. Genoni was still missing in action and the other Arrivals were running the pilots, security, and the PR department ragged. Soon, possibly as soon as tomorrow, she would get tired of the crap and really consider busting out the asshole herself. Speaking of assholes, it was just about time for-

"Doctor?" A deep voice interrupted her internal monologue.

She set the reports down to acknowledge the huge black-clad figure standing in her office. Next to him was another huge man that taught various classes within and for NERV with a certain... enthusiasm that had earned him a most disrespectful nickname.

"Report."

"We've finished probing hidden facilities within the city limits," the Psycho Sensei said in soothing, formal tones. "Four buildings have enough blocking to hide from our detection abilities, and no variance in traffic or activity can account for the Arrival's presence in a specific facility."

Ritsuko nodded, pulling up a small holographic projection that floated over the only empty spot on her desk. A map of Tokyo-3's streets panned quickly through four points. A cross marked the Kamakura street elevator. "Any intel inside of the buildings?"

"There is at least four hundred well-trained soldiers for each building. One hundred or so on guard duty in and around the buildings at all times. Rotating shifts. Some familiar faces appear in their ranks."

"Anyone I would be able to blackmail?"

The Psycho Sensei stiffly shrugged. "None I recognize. Do you wish us to organize dossiers?"

Ritsuko shook her head. "Not yet." She dismissed the holographic. "None of those buildings pose a threat to the Arrivals. If we decide to take Genoni back, the first order of business will be to unleash them upon these locations."

The Psycho Sensei shook his head, but didn't comment.

"Ninja Master, your report?"

Gruffly, "I have found nothing to implicate the Jet Alone Consortium's knowledge of Genoni's situation, though the council is still receiving information from our mole."

"The same mole you claim has disappeared from NERV?"

"She has been located."

"Excellent. Ask Director Yamanaki if he has a 'use' for her. If he does not, ensure she no longer exists. And on the matter of my notebook?"

Psycho Sensei shook his head sadly. "We know it's in the Seventh Cell, and we know how the Engineers are..."

Ritsuko snorted. "We need to plan for a more extensive combat analysis. Genoni has Jedi skills and advanced ki manipulation abilities... Waddell is a ninja, and Mucha is Mucha."

The minions remained carefully motionless as Ritsuko shot to her feet as if ready to execute somebody.

"You're both dismissed."

Ninja and teacher glanced at each other, nodded to the doctor, then disappeared in a soundless swirl of smoke.

* * *

"Watkins!" Ritsuko said it as if she didn't know which person in the room was who she was looking for.

Half of the people in the large work room looked up. The other half kept their heads down. Technical drawings were everywhere. Several tables had been pushed together in the middle of the room to hold a half-dozen models of parts that no normal person could begin to guess the function of.

Ritsuko had three names for each of them, but the Engineers on this level had at least two acronyms. "Watkins!"

The engineer bit back a sigh. "It's Walters, Doctor Akagi."

The other engineers went back to work.

Finding her prey, the doctor's expression softened. "Whatever. I want you to completely overhaul the Compatibility Project. I don't care how much money or time it takes. However we were going to do it, we'll start over again from scratch."

Unable to comprehend how silly that statement sounded, Walters spit out the facts. "Ummm, not only is that next to impossible, it's unnecessary."

Ritsuko looked like a woman who had bitten into a block of cheese that tasted like roses. "What?"

"Some blonde guy-who smelled like an engineer-came in with that notebook you've been promising us for weeks. Really brilliant stuff in it." His face fell. "And some rather disturbing comments about a weapon system that should have never seen the light of day, but those were just in the margins. Anyway..."

The doctor's face was neutral, but some muscles in her cheek were violating orders and twitched slightly. "Oh really?"

Realizing he'd just wandered into a minefield, again, Walters pressed ahead. Maybe the end would come painlessly. "Yeah, we figured you were just trying to be a bitch, but this stuff was incredible. Ingenious really. I mean there was that one kid, with the creepy glasses, asking all those questions but he obviously was working under you. Who else could've come up with this system? Brilliant! Just brilliant!"

Akagi was surprisingly calm. "Of course, who else? May I... check something?"

Walters took a deep breath. "Ah, certainly." He moved aside to allow her access to his console.

The doctor went to work at a dizzying pace. He'd never read Kanji that fast in his life. In mere seconds, the genius had worked her way through essentially every specification the notebook had contained. With a pang of annoyance, he realized she was making sure he could do his own job properly.

She finished, closed down the programs she'd opened, and rose. "Thank you." Her words were curt, automatic.

Walters wondered what was eating her. He decided to put all of his cards on the table. "All we're waiting on is the core, the whole Eva is ready otherwise."

Did the words even register? She looked utterly lost, and vowing excessive violence upon some unlucky soul. "Yes... the Core... Well, I'll see about digging that up and we can start right away!"

Walters smiled. "Glad to hear it."

"Good work, Walker." The doctor turned and stalked out of the room on autopilot.

Walters frowned. "It's Walters."

* * *

Two days later, inhuman wretches started and lurched haltingly back to life. The siren song of the Day Star ground at their minds like a diamond-tipped drill bit, and the rusted gears that drove their beastial bodies gnashed together. They lurched from their beds to hunt for subsistence in the horrifying recesses of La Casa del Goon.

Two of the most dangerous people in the world had started their morning routines.

"I was here first!"

"Were not!"

But only started.

"Was too!"

"Were not!"

"Was... too?"

"Were... not?"

"Doesn't somebody usually shove us aside about now?"

"Yeah... where is that guy?"

The standoff continued for five whole minutes before the smaller goon shrugged and side-stepped the larger. "I guess trucks have the right-of-way, I'll start the coffee."

"What?! Why you! I'll-" The world was spared Andy's riposte as he slipped on an empty Mt. Dew can. "WAAAAH! Who left this here?!"

"You did. Days ago."

"My garbage never stays on the floor!"

"No, that one guy... what's-his-name cleans up."

* * *

On the rare occasions he didn't wake up screaming from nightmares that chewed at his soul like a pitbull on angel dust, John Genoni awoke slowly, reluctantly, and mostly on autopilot. In contrast to his fellow Americans with strange powers, sleeping did nothing to recharge his ki, although his body felt slightly better. Recharging his ki would have to wait until he had a suitable power source.

He grunted at the thought. There was nothing he wanted to think about along those lines. He opened his eyes, rose to a sitting position, and took in the small room. His bed was a simple cot, brand new. The toilet in the corner was molded right into the floor. A single light bulb glared at him from the ceiling behind a plexiglass panel a dozen millimeters thick. The walls were unmarked and seamless. His next course of inspection was himself. His clothes had been replaced with a jumpsuit in Andy's favorite color-hunter orange-over a black shirt and boxers. A few patches of bandages were easily explained, but the one by his neck with the beeping bump was probably not there to cover an injury, but an explosive for when he got out of line.

Considering Tokyo-3 was only a few years old, it was likely he was still within the city. That made escape worthwhile. Extending his senses, he felt for power signatures above and below him. Nothing. So either he was locked in a brand-new abandoned complex, or he was being blocked... John tried to select a place to teleport to, but felt no destination.

"Ki blocking." He murmured. Then to the room, "How long was I out?"

The room didn't answer, but John could swear he heard voices from outside. Creeping up to the door, he listened to the two guards outside.

"That was a fucking Jedi Knight he was dancing with when we grabbed him!"

"What about Hiroshi? Didn't he take basic Jedi in college?"

"That was a junior college though."

"He doesn't know that."

"At least he wouldn't if you guys had left the window on the door shut!"

"Damn it! This is all your fault!"

"Is not!"

The squabbling increased in intensity as John backed away from the door, smirking. At least his Jedi powers weren't suppressed.

A moment later, the cell doors opened to allow a large man carrying a comically huge gun and wearing body armor to fill the room. "Anything to say before I waste you?"

John made a subtle hand wave. "Take me to your leader, I don't play with peons."

* * *

Andy groaned, laying across the threshold of the infamous apartment that housed humanity's doom, the dreaded 723. Jared, crawling along the ground and grunting in reply, was halfway to that other infamous apartment that housed humanity's saviors, the legendary 724.

The groans and grunts of exertion droned into the next hour, when Shinji finally checked outside to see what the all the commotion was about. "Waddell-sensei! What happened?"

Jared's voice was that of a zombie. "Coff... eeee..."

"Yessir!" Shinji ran back into the apartment.

Asuka peeked out. "Hey! Where's the fire? Oh... it's you two."

"Weak... ling..." Andy wheezed.

Shinji returned with some coffee. "Here you go, guys."

With a few sips, Jared and Andy were vertical again.

Almost immediately, Asuka had to send Jared into a wall. "I'm getting sick of this every morning, where is John?!"

"Who?" Andy asked.

"John. John Genoni. Your roommate?"

"What in blazes is this wench babbling about?"

After the beat down, Jared pulled out a marker and set to work, idly questioning the conscious pilots. "Where's Misato?"

"She's still not back from her date with Kaji yet." Asuka grumbled.

"Are we going to be skipping school to train, Waddell-sensei?"

Jared ran a hand over his hair, doing nothing to calm the wild locks. "Yes, find Rei and Toji. Meet us in the pilot briefing room."

"And where are you going to be?"

"We must find this 'John' person and see what he knows about our missing slave."

Jared grabbed his comrade by the ankles and left at a dead run, Andy flapping behind him like a flag in a stiff breeze.

Shinji watched the pair depart with a puzzled look on his face. "I wonder why John hasn't come back on his own yet?"

Asuka frowned at her roommate. "Isn't it obvious? Genoni is not some perpetual fountain of energy, baka. He burnt out everything he had Saturday and has obviously been recuperating in his holding cell waiting for the right moment to escape."

"Or he's fucking with their heads by sleeping in. But even if he was at full power he'd feign weakness, fuck with every head in earshot, and only leave when he got tired of the local bullshit level."

"I love it when you talk dirty."

Shinji had just enough time to glance in Asuka's direction before she pounced on him. "Ack! Asuka, we really should be going right now! HELP! SOMEBODY! G-SEVENTEEN!"

* * *

A dozen minutes later, a duo of exceedingly dangerous people had nabbed an open table at a breakfast bistro deep within a part of Tokyo-3 that most people without body tattoos avoided. Of course, the pair discussing 'Plans of ACTION' were not 'most people.' Hell, it's debatable whether they were 'people' at all...

"It has to be SEELE. Only they would send JSDF shock-troops to capture one of us. Gendo would just call a meeting or set fire to our office-something low-profile." Jared concluded.

"What if that's what they want us to think? What if they want us to think that they want us to think that? What if they..."

Jared tuned out the Maniac and moved on. "So our destination is John... whoever he is, but if SEELE has him we don't know where he could be held."

Andy continued, not realizing Jared was off on another tangent. "...But since we know this, then they are really doing something else as a diversion, of course they expect us to figure that out, so..."

"We won't need guns, our powers should do just fine. But we are sorely under-dressed for any sort of rescue attempt."

"...so then they know everything but we know this, so we know everything too! WE CAN'T LOSE!"

So finished, each goon looked across the table expectantly, then frowned upon seeing their company.

"Welcome back, you bring me anything?"

"Were you paying attention to anything I just said?!"

"You were talking?"

"DAMN IT! As the strongest, I am in charge! You must hang off of my every word!"

"I have a plan, it involves movie rip-offs, trench coats, and lots of explosions."

Andy raised the Eyebrow of Suspicious Interest. "I'm listening..."

* * *

Not far away, Shinji was meeting with his friends to tell them the new schedule. Toji lingered in the entry of his family's apartment only long enough to say goodbye. The instant the door shut behind him, the questions started.

"Shinji, where are your pants?"

"I'd rather not talk about that right now."

"Why is your shirt all shredded?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it!"

Toji would have kept needling him, but blocking the flurry of Ikari's kicks took up most of his attention. What was left over wondered why the goons taught him a kicking style.

* * *

Meanwhile, Asuka had arrived at Rei's apartment and was currently abusing the door. "Hey, Wondergirl! Open up! We have training again today."

In addition to carrying cellular phones, the Children all wore Mini-MAGI with hardened, secure communication systems.

Just sayin'.

Anyway, the minutes ticked by with no sign of Rei. Finally, when Asuka was ready to snap like an old rubber band, Rei opened the door and stepped out. The two stared at one another for a minute. Rei had dressed in her school uniform, which looked particularly crisp and clean today, while Asuka had changed after recovering from the G-17 and was wearing some light... er, summer clothes. Nothing near a dress, though.

"he shot you down again." Rei idly noted.

"WHAT?!"

"shinji-kun. he again denied your sexual advances towards him?"

"That's-that's none of your business!"

"your advances are too aggressive, so you frighten him away. if you do not give him some breathing room, you may find him here the next time i am sent for." She smirks, in a way that suggested she practiced in a mirror for hours beforehand.

"Wha- WHAT?"

Expression normal, "genoni-san gave me a to-do list. would you consider your head fucked-with right now?"

"Yes! I mean, no! I-" The gears in Asuka's head ground furiously to catch up with her mouth. "Genoni gave you a list of people to mess with?"

"hai." Rei said as if commenting on the weather. She pulled a small spiral note pad from her book bag and made a check mark. "he suggested that your weakness would be shinji-kun. toji-san's is hikari-chan. shinji-kun's is you. misato-san's is-"

"I get the point! ...Shinji's mental weakness is me?"

"one of many, according to genoni-san. who will be training us today?"

"The Pervert and the Maniac, of course. Genoni is still missing."

Rei's expression didn't change. Well, maybe. For an instant. Could have been a trick of the light. "someone is looking for him though, yes?"

"Dumb and Dumber are supposedly looking for him right now. But you know those two..."

"hai. we are meeting them somewhere, yes?"

"The briefing room, though it may be a few hours before they decide to grace us with their presence."

"they will find him."

* * *

Back at the bistro, Andy had finished explaining his incredible plan. "...and the cops won't even be there until we're already gone!"

Jared clapped in approval. "That is truly a daring and well-thought plan to do the laundry. We'll have to try it later."

"Excellent. Now, about your plan, I see a fatal flaw in it."

"What are you talking about? It worked in The Matrix."

"It worked in The Matrix because it involved The One. I don't see Keanu Reeves around, do you?"

Jared held one hand in front of his face as if grasping a spoon. "I am the One."

Andy chided him as if speaking to a child. "Nooo, John is the one with the Series Hero Effect. That would make him the One. There can't be two Ones! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"

"You've been waiting to say that all day, haven't you?"

"What a silly thing to ask; it's barely nine a.m."

Jared sighed. "I can prove you wrong."

Andy held up the arm with his Mini-MAGI, which displayed a holographic clock. "I doubt that, mortal."

"I meant about being the One."

Andy drew a breath, lifted a finger to begin pointing, prepared a long-winded, air-tight argument, and threw it out of the proverbial window. Curious, "How?"

* * *

Jared planted himself in the center of the box, stance open, hands ready at his sides. Around him, baseballs zipped through the air, driven by mechanical pitching machines set in the center of the batting cage. Behind the pitching machines, Andy cracked his knuckles, gazing at the buttons like a kid in a candy store.

Jared waited.

Andy's glazed eyes swept the console.

Jared waited.

Andy's fingers curled with glee.

Jared was done waiting. "Any time now!"

"Soon enough, Waddell!"

"Soon enough? Soon... enough? Now, you jerk! Watch me dodge this fastball and then stop all further missiles from harming me!"

"Prepare to suffer, fool!"

Andy jabbed a button. One of the machines turned on its base and fired a ball high, hitting some six-year-old in the helmet. Then the ball ricocheted off the cage roof and pegged the controls of some other machine, causing a salvo of leather to chase a young girl out of the cages. Andy's first ball bounced, then rolled merrily across the floor of the cage, until it softly came to a stop against the edge of Jared's shoe.

The Pervert raised an eyebrow. "Care to explain?"

"You didn't dodge the ball! I AM VICTORIOUS!"

"Why did-"

"What is with everybody questioning my methods?! The ends justify the means!"

"Am I the only one around here who cares about the methods? HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY!"

Andy answered as if this was completely obvious. "If you must know, that girl took the last of the chocolate fudge swirl at the ice cream vendor yesterday. And the boy was making faces at me on the train last week!"

"Oh... can I just get some simple fastballs then, if you're done with revenge on the population for the most inane things?"

"MY COLD VENGEANCE HAS NOT YET BEGUN! CRY HAVOC!"

Jared rubbed at his temples and tried to restrain himself from murdering Andy while the huge goon let fly the balls of war. The few patrons in the cage were quickly chased out, leaving just those crazy Americans.

Andy spent a minute posing, then adjusted the machinery. Ominously, all the machines stood erect and pointed directly at Jared. "Now that we have some privacy..."

Clueless, Jared nodded. "Easier to explain a Maniac in an amusement center, than someone dodging-"

"FIRE ONE!"

The leather ball made a loud crack as it hit Jared in the jaw. Or was that a bone breaking?

With the determination of a pitbull on cocaine and the intelligence of a fairly ordinary fencepost, Jared remained standing. "Paaaaain..."

"FIRE TWO!"

The second ball hit Jared in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. His mouth flapped soundlessly as he slowly began to topple forward.

Seizing the opportunity, Andy hammered the control board. "FIRE EVERYTHING!"

Twack! Thud! Thhhk! Smack! Whack! Etc.!

Andy chortled gleefully at the carnage. "Usually I have to pay for this kind of entertainment."

* * *

After getting hooded and extracted from his cell, John was moved to slightly larger room, strapped to a chair, then relieved of the blindfold. Before him stood two extremely well-groomed men in anonymous uniforms with no visible rank. They spoke in overly-polite voices before he could start with the questions.

"We've been expecting you, sir."

"Yes, it seems that you were beaten down a little too much during your acquisition. This meeting was supposed to be done days ago."

This comment was John's prompt. "Days? How long was I out?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not sure we were supposed to tell you."

The goon smiled. It was nice of the old men to give him a minute to warm up. Usually these idiots were supplied to keep him occupied while the drugs kicked in. "Understandable, I assure you, but since you have already spilled the beans, so to speak, you might as well let me know."

"It couldn't have been more than a day or two. Or less. Maybe three? Did you have any appointments? We can reschedule them for you."

The banter was swiftly wearing thin. He didn't remember being jabbed with a needle. "No, no, just expecting company. Shall we get on with this?"

"Of course. Can we get you anything before you start? Vodka Martini? Cigar? Brandy?"

"That depends on what color eyes Brandy has."

One of the overly-polite attendants batted his eyelashes at the goon. "Oh, you cad!"

"I don't suppose I could get my clothes and stuff back, most of that equipment is on loan."

"Why certainly, all you have to do is punch one of the walls in your cell, talk to the secret agent in the next room after untying him, leave through the unlocked door, go down the hall to the next room, get past the shotgunner, and your stuff is in the room on the right."

(Metal Gear... anyone? - Ed.)

John frowned. "Sounds... simple enough."

One attendant pouted as if just remembering an important detail. "You don't happen to have any remote-guided missiles, do you?"

"I'm sorry, no."

The other attendant frowned. "Oh, then you may have some trouble."

"Ah, well I'm sure I can figure something out."

"Best of luck to you, sir. But first, there is the interrogation."

"Could we do this without the restraints?"

"Of course not, silly. What kind of interrogation lets the prisoner wander free?"

John could think of a few, but kept his face neutral. "I think this whole bondage thing indicates a lack of trust, in fact a breach of contract. I believe it was John Locke who said something akin this. That my agreement to not waste everything in a five-mile radius, is only bound by your agreement to not restrain me. Seeing as I've been so very cooperative thus far, it would be rude of you to bind me, and rude of me to violate your trust in me not to erase you from existence. So if I promise to stay in this room for the duration of the interrogation, will you release these restraints?"

The attendants whispered to each other for a moment, coming quickly to a decision. "I suppose it would only be fair. But if you get rowdy, then we will have to restrain you."

"Of course." John maintained a pleasant smile while inside, he was smirking. These aren't the droids you're looking for, jackasses.

While the first attendant worked some controls on the back of the chair, the second one produced a syringe from somewhere and jabbed John in the neck with it. "We were also were instructed to administer a dosage of sodium penathol and hook you up to the polygraph."

Ah, so the banter was because they were still figuring out how to handle him. Or stalling to mess with him.

From behind the chair, "Seems somebody isn't very honest during interviews."

John rolled his eyes. Fucking Japanese. "This from the council that hides in secret and manipulates the leaders of the world like pawns. But time is wasting! Hook me up! Jab away! Let's get this party started!"

* * *

After Jared threw on a pair of sunglasses to cover his new black eye, he and Andy left the batting cages.

"I know what went wrong." Jared announced on the sidewalk, slowly removing the shades.

Andy raised an eyebrow. "Oh, do tell."

"The baseballs were going too slow. I need something going SEVEN TIMES as fast!"

"It's not like I haven't wanted to gun you down in cold blood... for, like, seven years, but we have something to do right now. I don't want to go into a dangerous situation without a reliable human shield."

Jared grinned and snapped his fingers. "Of course!"

"I'm glad you finally agree, now let's-"

"I don't look the part! We need trench coats!"

"Where are we going to find trench coats our size in Japan?"

Jared looked around. "There's one!"

A man reading a newspaper looked up to see a crazed American leap across the street in a single bound and descend upon him like a hawk taking a field mouse. The man dropped the newspaper and drew a massive handgun from his trench coat while taking one swift step to the side. He didn't get a shot off before Waddell landed with one arm grabbing the man's gun arm. Before anyone else could so much as blink, the man was hitting the sidewalk with his shirt shredded and a lump on his head while Jared held the trench coat in one hand and the gun in the other, looking slightly puzzled.

Andy watched until Jared was just standing there, then ran across the deserted road. "Why do you get a gun?"

Jared handed him the gun to shut him up, then tried to fit into the coat. 'Fit' could only be applied with massive disclaimer quotation marks. "Eight million people in Tokyo-3, and I pick the guy who has shoulders narrower than my kid sister." He struggled with the coat for a moment, but he'd be lucky to get one arm and a hand in, let alone both arms plus his shoulders.

The other goon examined the gun expertly. "Ah... a Desert Eagle .50 caliber. Israeli-made but they're becoming popular world-wide from all the movies from Hollywood. Of course, with Japan's gun laws, no ordinary civilian could be carrying such a weapon especially during daylight hours." Andy looked at the unconscious civilian on the ground, noting the huge tattoo easily visible under the man's half-shredded shirt. "And given the excessive tattoos on his upper torso and the way he tried to take you out like a trained killer, I'd reckon this fellow here runs with the Yakuza."

Jared sighed and threw the coat to the ground with a snort. "So I just attacked a very small Yakuza thug in broad daylight?"

"Seems so."

"They are going to come down on us like the Hammer of God."

"Ayep."

Jared smiled brightly. "Excellent! One of them has to wear a trench coat in our size!"

* * *

In the Pilot Briefing Room, not a lot was happening.

"So, now what?" Toji asked out of sheer boredom.

"They said for us to wait for them." Shinji muttered.

"That could take forever." Asuka complained, "The Pervert gets lost going to the bathroom, and the Maniac can only navigate the air ducts here. Not to mention that NOBODY knows where the Psycho is right now!"

"they will probably stumble upon genoni-san as they randomly search."

"So what are we supposed to do until then?" Shinji asked.

"Well, where is Major Katsuragi? Or that scientist lady... Akagi, right?"

The redhead pursed her lips in thought. "Maybe we can ask Dr. Akagi to let us train in the remaining Evas with the Americans absent. All we do is throw Kamehameha Waves at the ocean anyway."

Toji stood. "It's worth a shot."

Asuka bounced to the door. "Let's go then! Coming, Rei?"

"we should stay together, but we should not disobey our trainers' orders."

"They can find us on their Mini-MAGI's if they need us. Come on, Wondergirl, I know I can get a better Kamehameha than you this time."

"do not attempt to goad me into disobedience. it will not work."

Toji walked up behind Rei and put a hand on her shoulder, urging her gently towards the door. "Come on, Ayanami. We won't get into trouble."

Rei glanced at the hand on her shoulder, then threw Toji across the room.

Asuka took a step back. "Or maybe we could wait here for a few more minutes." Under her breath, "And get bored out our minds."

"i thought you would see it my way."

"Ayanami, that is it! No more training with Andy for you!"

"shinji-kun..."

"I don't want to hear it! You could have seriously hurt Toji just then. What would you have done if his head had been any thinner?"

"Yeah, what if-Hey!"

"i... i apologize, suzuhara-san."

"Nah, don't worry about it!"

"if you insist, i will accompany you all in soliciting dr. akagi-san for eva training."

Asuka was at the door again. "Well, it's about time!"

* * *

John had discovered his chair could swivel. He thought it was cool, but the SOUND ONLY monoliths around him managed to look unamused despite not having any facial expression. The expected air of intimidation was similarly noted and ignored by the American.

"Wheee!" John shouted, still revolving.

The monolith labeled SEELE 9 spoke up. "Uh, excuse me? Can you be serious for just one moment?"

John smiled, cat-like. "I probably could, but this truth serum seems to be having some unexpected side-effects."

"We're not going to get anything out of him." SEELE 03 complained. "This was a waste of time and manpower."

John stopped spinning. "Hey! Personpower, if you please! Those feminists will eat you alive... and not in a good way, if you don't watch your P.C.! Of course, I'm all for this female empowerment thing." Above John's chair, a large neon sign lit up while a buzzer shrieked like a dying soul. John looked up at the English and Kaji letters reading LIAR and popped a sweat drop. "You haven't even asked me anything! I got it! You're nervous! Well, let me break the ice. I already know who each one of you are, and obviously your agents in NERV has given reports on me. So it's like we're already friends. We could trade questions, that is, if you're men enough!"

"You're the prisoner, son. You are better off cooperating with us if you want to see your friends again." SEELE 05 replied.

"Somebody didn't read the report." John waved a finger at SEELE 05 and started spinning his chair again.

SEELE 01 rumbled to life. "You and your friends have shown quite a bit of knowledge about the goings-on of Tokyo-3, in spite that you three do very little field work. How do you know so much?"

"We have a spy-network of minions everywhere. In fact, SEELE 08 answers to me on Thursdays. You mind if he stays behind after this is over so I can get my report?"

The LIAR sign remained dark and the buzzer silent.

SEELE 08 sputtered. "What?! I-He lies!"

"Yes... He's told me everything about you, Chairman Keel. Especially all those nights when you're alone with SEELE 03's thirteen-year-old daughter."

Again, the lie detector stayed dark and silent.

"I did not tell him about that!"

SEELE 03's voice boiled over with rage. "WHAT?!"

SEELE 01 was defensive. "She said she was sixteen! I mean-That's preposterous! He's high on truth serum and... let me try that again."

"Oh, come off it. That girl is a freak. Who here hasn't done her at least once?"

John raised his hand. "I haven't, but if I could have her number..."

"Well, I haven't." SEELE 04 grumbled. "Yet." The monolith coughed and continued in a normal tone. "But some good it does asking a question like that when we can't even see each other!"

"I'll have your head for this!" SEELE 03 railed.

"Oh, can't you see what he's doing? He's trying to fuck with our heads! He's trying to get us as screwed up as he is!" SEELE 09 shouted.

"You're one to talk." John commented, miming sucking an imaginary banana.

The LIAR sign remained dark.

SEELE 03 shouted. "Hey! Don't knock it until you've tried it, buddy!"

The other monoliths remained silent for a moment, then SEELE 09 said what everyone else was thinking. "Moron."

"I take it that it's my turn for a question." John didn't wait for confirmation. "How the hell did you guys get stuck following Keel Lorenz of all guys? I mean think about it. First there's the Human Instrumentality Project, one giant Socialist plan on a scale that would make Karl Marx cream in his pants. Then the NERV logo, Japan doesn't even have maple syrup! Much less maple leaves!"

"What are you getting at?" SEELE 05 asked.

"Chairman, many speculate that you are really the Wandering Jew cursed by God to wander the Earth until the time of Final Judgment. But I've discovered your secret! You, Keel Lorenz, are CANADIAN!"

The LIAR sign did nothing.

Gasps of horror rippled through the monoliths. "My God..."

"It's not true! I have no idea what he's babbling aboot-about! ABOUT!"

"We've been had!"

"I think we've let this go on long enough! Guards! Kill him! I want that tongue of his on my desk by lunchtime!"

John's hand immediately covered the side of his neck.

The feed was cut, throwing the holographic interrogation room into darkness until the only door opened with an ominous hiss. Light stabbed into the room like a blade, followed by a handful of frag grenades. Immediately following the explosions, the first wave of shock troops entered, laying down covering fire. They stopped only long after anything inside should have been dead or dying.

At least, that was the plan.

A violet beam flickered to life in the darkness, faintly illuminating John's manically smiling face. "I cannot tell a lie, all of you will die."

The lead man found his gun empty, and swiftly drew a light sabre to meet John's charge. Then things... didn't go well. "OH SHH-AAARRGGHHH!"

* * *

Jared and Andy dashed across a busy street, then into a narrow alley, throwing themselves flat against the wall of a new building.

Between taking panting breaths, Jared squeezed out a few words. "See? I... I told you... I could... dodge bullets."

Andy, panting next to him, managed a reply. "Mortal... if we... survive the... day... you will... not survive... the night."

Jared dismissed the vow with a hand-wave. "You'd think the Yakuza would get the picture by now. But I think the trouble has been worth the reward."

Both held up their prizes: trench coats in their sizes. They were finely made, black as night, and worth the several hundred knocked out Yakuza.

"What comes next in the plan?" Andy asked, putting on his coat.

"There was a plan?"

"Something about looking for somebody."

Jared shrugged and put on his own coat. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh well."

"Ok, so we have trench coats." The pair stared off into space for a few minutes. Then Jared spoke aloud the question both were thinking. "Why did we need trench coats?"

"I forget."

"Hmmm..."

Andy realized something important. "You know what we could do with these things?"

"What?"

"We could act out that one scene in The Matrix."

"That's a good idea. But where are we going to find the right building?"

Andy looked around the alley, peeked out at the street, then looked up at the front of the building they'd been leaning against. Then he stepped out onto the sidewalk and looked at the front of the building with a twinkle in his eye. "What about this one?"

Jared stepped out of the alley with a large black duffel bag. "Let's do it."

"This is going to be so cool."

"Indeed." Jared made to march into the building, but paused before he took a single step. Foot hovering in the air, "This isn't going to work, in the Matrix the scene was all in slow motion."

"I have just the thing." Andy reached into his trench coat and pulled out two glowing 20 ouncers of the good green stuff.

"Super Dew?"

Andy grinned, sending several fully-grown businessmen running away while screaming like little girls. "Bullet-time in a bottle."

The goons did the Super Dew and walked through the spinning doors.

* * *

In Central Dogma, the kids had found Ritsuko and harassed her for time in the Evas. Her answer was a flat 'no,' but these were kids. They weren't about to take one no for an answer.

"For the last time, no! You can't launch without Major Katsuragi's approval, the testing range is being used right now, and you don't have any adults supervising you."

As the spokeswoman of the ground, Asuka stood nose-to-nose with the doctor to argue with her. "You think the Americans count as supervision?"

"It's better than nothing!"

"That's a load of bullshit! We get sent out all alone to fight aliens to the death, but we aren't allowed to train without someone to hold our hand?!"

"Yeah, that about covers it. We have a lot of other projects that our technicians are working on right now. I'm not going to pull them off of important research to watch you guys fumble through energy techniques."

"Those techniques are more effective than the crappy weapons you give us! I'd rather be shouting 'Kamehameha' than 'Center the target and pull the switch.'"

An invisible hand grabbed Asuka's collar and jerked her a foot into the air.

Ritsuko whispered to her face. "Keep it up, little girl. I'll have fifty witnesses say you jumped from the command deck."

Asuka was dropped to her feet and she scrambled back the the shocked group of adolescents.

"Get out of my face. All of you, except Rei. You're due for another check-up."

Shinji began a mantra to psych himself up, but was dragged from the room by a frightened Toji and a terrified Asuka.

* * *

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

The spinning doors continued to slowly rotate behind Jared as he strolled across the lobby entrance with a swagger. The large bag barely dusted the floor as all eyes in the room focused on the blond American. Andy swaggered in at the same pace as Jared paused to set the bag on the X-Ray machine's conveyor. With a nod to each other, both stepped through separate metal detectors on either side of the machine.

Which failed to wail in alarm.

Most of the guards went back to their business.

The Pervert spun around and glared at the machines. "What? The detectors were supposed to go off!"

The guards stopped relaxing.

"Didn't you bring the guns?" Jared asked Andy.

"I thought you would, Mr. The One."

"Of all the times when you should be carrying an arsenal, why not now?!"

"I've been trying to cut down. I heard this one guy in Arizona accidentally shot himself when his pen got jammed into-"

"What about all the weapons you were pilfering from those Yakuza guys? Where did those guns go?!"

"I stashed them in a safe place while we were running."

"You didn't throw them into a passing taxi again, did you?"

"...Well-"

"Damn it! The armored guys are here, the white shirts are still alive, and we don't even have a pocket-knife!"

"We have ki blasts."

Jared put one finger in the air and opened his mouth to verbally rip Andy a new one when his neurotransmitters got everything in order. The finger and jaw remained in the same position for a second, then a smile lit up his face, and the accusing finger was replaced by a happy one. "Heeeyyyyyy..."

By then the back-up security forces had entered the lobby and taken up positions behind the many pillars spread throughout the room. They barked easily ignored orders at the goons until Jared gestured at the bag on the end of the x-ray machine's conveyor and it opened. Emerging from the cloth cocoon, a nice boombox began playing 'Sabotage' courtesy of The Beastie Boys.

The pair absorbed the first few seconds before Andy aimed his palm and fired the first shot. Moves honed from watching The Matrix too many times were performed to eerie accuracy. Every flip, dodge, kick and destroyed pillar was accounted for.

When the carnage came to its conclusion, the untouched goons calmly walked up to the elevator doors and pushed the only button.

"That was fun." Andy said with a grin.

"Yeah, we should do it again." Jared agreed.

"Something's bothering me though, why haven't we done this before?"

"Get trench coats, walk into a random building, and wreck it? I don't know."

The elevator finished moving up and stopped on their floor.

Wait a second... up?

"You getting an ominous feeling of dread?"

"Never."

"Like we summoned some kind of dark elder god of vengeance through acts of pride?"

"Nope."

"Oh, maybe it's just those soba noodles I had for lunch. I hate that stuff."

The elevator doors finally opened. Inside an elevator car with beige walls featuring artistic splashes of burgandy, stood John. His hair was a mess. His clothes were a mess. The sleeves of his prison uniform were torn clean off, though 'clean' implied that they shouldn't be so ragged, like the goon had recently engaged in a protracted martial arts battle that destroyed almost as much property as people's lives and laws of physics. He held a small bloody bag in one hand, and Hiroshi's lightsaber in the other.

He didn't look all that happy. Glancing at Jared, "Then quit ordering it."

The Perverted one recoiled as if caught with his hand down the cookie jar's pants. Words tumbled out of his mouth. "John! Uh... We came to rescue you!"

John looked the pair over like a skeptical parent, then looked pointedly at the ruined lobby beyond. "Did you now?"

An unconvincing grin appeared on Jared's face against its will. He elbowed Andy, who stuttered into motion like a malfunctioning factory robot. "Wha? Oh, Yeah! Of course! You didn't think we forgot about you, now did ya?"

John's voice was toneless. "The thought had never crossed my mind."

Jared waved, the grin on his face unchanging. "Um, yes, well, we must be going now, things to train, pilots to do and whatnot."

John's expression remained lifeless. "My glasses must be smudged with brains or something. I keep seeing you guys in trench coats, articles of clothing I have specifically forbade you two from ever wearing."

"Well, about that, see-"

"Hand them over."

Jared shook off the fake smile. "What?! No! Do you have any idea what we had to go through to get these damn things?"

"First it was the Yakuza, then the police got involved!"

Jared's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He hissed a warning at the babbling goon. "Andy..."

"When the Special Vehicles division got into it, things got really ugly."

Jared was more desperate. "Andy!"

"Then the JSDF tries to take over, and during the bureaucratic battle the Yakuza came back with a truce with the Triads to find us."

"ANDY!"

"What?! Oh, heh... It probably would've been best if he hadn't found out so soon, huh?"

"Yeah."

John's facial muscles didn't know how to do a normal smile. They tugged at his skin like an interrogator picking at open wounds. The result was predictably horrifying. "Nonsense! In fact, I'm so happy you guys told me I'm going to let you finish this Matrix rip-off by doing the elevator scene. Come on now, in ya go!" He dragged Andy and Jared inside, plucked at the side of his neck, then pushed something into a button on the panel inside. He withdrew his arm as the doors closed. Then he smashed the outside wall panel, locking the elevator on the ground floor.

From inside, Andy sounded almost alarmed. "Hey! He smashed the door open button and the others aren't working. We're trapped!"

Jared's voice was slightly less panicky. "Wait... Didn't the elevator explode in the movie?"

* * *

John strode outside of the building, clipped Hirsohi's lightsaber to his clothes, and rubbed at the spot where he'd plucked out the backup explosive. Then he spent a minute miming lighting a cigarette before considering the building like a serial killer contemplating the first cut.

He threw away the imaginary cigarette, then raised two fingers into the air.

Inside, the elevator blew its guts out in a flood of flames. Andy and one of the doors tumbled across the lobby, Jared surfing the fireball on the other door. All four crashed through the front windows. One door went through the windows of a parked car, setting off the alarm. Andy bounced off another parked car, doing more damage than the door. Jared skillfully skidded to a halt in front of John on the other door, his cool entrance ruined when he tried to step off the door and tripped on the curb.

"Whoa, dude! That was fun!"

"Your hair is on fire."

Jared waved off the remark. "I've had worse and-you bastard!"

"Hmmm?"

"The prison boots, the orange jumpsuit, the navy blue undershirt, the spiky hair! How dare you dress up like Goku before I got the chance to!"

"Oh, I never noticed, what with me FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE AND FREEDOM DOWN THERE!"

Jared mimed dialing on an air cell phone, then held his phone hand to his ear. "Hello? Nine wah wah? Send the wambulance down here, I've got a crybaby on my hands."

"When you're done, would you mind telling me where the pilots are buried?"

Jared put a hand over his heart. "You wound me!"

"Can it." John growed. "Where are the kids?"

"At NERV. They can get a decent enough Kamehameha Wave now in the Evas we have. Toji's still pretty much mundane though."

"Oh... how long was I out for?"

"How would I know? I didn't come by and visit you."

John frowned. "No, I mean what day is it?"

"Wednesday."

He hadn't expected the assistants to tell truth. "I've been gone for FOUR DAYS?"

Jared shrugged. "I guess."

John looked around in amazement. The city was still intact. "Fine. Evas?"

"Less than a week and they should be operational."

John breathed a sigh of relief. "That'll have to do. Onward! To NERV!"

"It's your turn to drag Andy."

"Already?!"

* * *

To be Continued...


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Out of the Frying Pan / Into Hot Water

* * *

After fleeing Central Dogma, the Japanese pilots retreated to the Training Area Four where two goons waited for them. The room looked a lot like a gym to any American boxer who happened to wander into it. A full ring occupied one corner, mats in another, and some heavy bags in a third. Various equipment and some lockers occupied the last quarter of the room.

Jared and John waited on the mats.

The pilots froze. On the one hand, John was back, alive and intact. On the other hand, John was back, alive and intact. Last anyone had seen, he was dead several times over, tazered with enough juice to cook an elephant, then kidnapped and left to rot. Now he and Jared appeared rested, ready, and pissed. Small cuts indicated a recent altercation. Also John's hands were dirty. Very dirty. He was using a rag to scrub dried blood off of them. And Jared didn't just look angry, he looked like a bitter man ushering in the end of the world.

John actually smiled at the group, then stepped up to Rei, revealing that his smile was only for her.

"How have things been going?"

Rei actually smiled... kind of. "nothing i couldn't handle."

She might have glanced at Sohryu.

John nodded, finished with cleaning off his hands. He tossed the rag in a garbage bin, and put his Mini-MAGI back on. Returning to the mat next to Jared, he upped the Lens Flare Glare, causing the pilots to squint.

Shinji finally spoke up after Asuka elbowed him. "Um, Jared? Your hair is on fire."

John shook his head sadly.

Jared waved off the comment with an angry snort. "Don't change the subject! John doesn't think that I've taught you anything during his absence... and today we're going to prove him wrong!"

Toji spoke to Shinji out of the corner of his mouth, unwilling to break eye-contact with the goons, lest they pounce. "You'd think the sprinklers would've come on by now, or that he'd at least run out of hair to burn."

"We're going to be taking Unit-03. Andy has elected to stay behind and guard the base," Jared continued.

"It must have been really uncomfortable riding in the elevator with him," Asuka added.

Andy then dashed into the room with a large bucket and dumped the contents on Jared's head, extinguishing the flames. "Whoo! Packers!"

Jared spit out a mouthful of water and flicked a small octopus off of his shoulder. "Was that really necessary?"

John finally started screaming at Jared. "What part of 'your hair is on fire' don't you understand? Your mop was sparking! Your 'do was a flue! Didn't you notice it get a little warm wherever you went?"

"I have hair?!" Jared ran shaking hands over the remains of his hair, sanity leaving his eyes. "Oh my God! Noooooo!"

Andy jumped on top of Jared's shoulders, and began riding the panicking goon around the training room. "This insanity has gone on long enough! I feel like it's been a year just to get this far and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" He let out a keening noise somewhere between 'ferocious bear' and 'wounded hog' as Jared's sprinting took them from the room.

John looked at the pilots. "Um, okay. Moving on to the cages..."

* * *

Ritsuko's comments were confirmed by the goons waltzing into the Eva Firing Range and ordering up a training session without so much as a funny look from the staff. There were some questioning looks, given last anyone heard, Genoni was as a corpse being dissected on an operating table at a military base so secret that people who looked too hard in its general direction disappeared. Now he was alive, intact, and pissed off.

Asuka was a tad annoyed at how everyone jumped to obey the goon, but quickly smothered her complaints when she was put first on the firing line in Unit-03.

While the Eva pilots prepared, Andy arrived and the goons conferred.

John lead with a disapproving frown. "You didn't do any drills to teach them how to handle ki?"

"John, they have to get a feel for how Evas are different than their own flesh and blood, so they need this practice first. We'll do drills when they can understand what the drills mean."

"Andy, did he do anything besides instruct them in physical training?"

Andy replied with a short grunt and a shake of the head.

Jared scoffed. "I was busy."

"Getting laid."

"Doing research! Anyway, if you're some super fly master instructor, lets see what you taught them."

"I'm not on the hook for goofing off for four days while my comrade was imprisoned by hostile forces!"

"Quit bitching, you big baby! You're perfectly fine!"

"Speaking of which," Andy calmly interrupted the shouting goons. "How did your interrogation go?"

"I'll get around to that later. Right now I have to school a self-righteous moron in Teaching Martial Arts 101."

Jared snarled back, then took to the air with his aura blazing.

Asuka placed Unit-03 on the firing line; a rocky beach that wild waves smashed against with abandon. Swiftly built to ensure the Evangelions would have some place to practice AT-Field manipulation techniques outside of a simulation, it had become a 'high priority' item on the goons' list of places to visit. Unfortunately they hadn't gotten out there as often as they would have liked.

"Asuka, let's warm up with a small one. Fire in the hole!"

Unit-03 dropped into a familiar stance and concentrated for several seconds.

"KAMEHAMEHA!" The blue bolt streaked across the ocean and detonated a dozen kilometers out. "And that, weaklings, is how we do that!" Those watching the video feed inside of the little shack on the ground got to watch Asuka's eyes bug out in shock before she slapped her hands over her own mouth.

Waddell did not have the benefit of the video feed, though he could have with his Mini-MAGI. He was difficult like that. Floating next to Unit-03's shoulder, he frowned at the mecha. "You have spent far too much time around Andy."

Genoni had joined the Eva, floating near the opposite shoulder. "Actually I think that was pretty much stock Asuka."

While an unconscious John rocketed into the clear blue sky against his will, Jared began the lengthy, prickly process of convincing the technicians to stop cowering and get the systems in Unit-03 setup for the other pilots.

* * *

Ritsuko passed the sign reading 'Hideaki Park' without evening noticing it, and wandered to the top of the highest hill in the park to begin her meditation.

She had watched, through the security cameras, as the goons dragged the other pilots out to the firing range. Watched as they ordered, coached, and cajoled. Watched as they prepared for the inevitable war with the old men. She also watched Genoni receive the worst right hook in history, and the other two snuck off while the pilots took care of securing their own Evas.

The goons were fighting on NERV's side, against SEELE. For...

She was feeling very conflicted; an unusual state of mind for one who was strong with the Force. The Force offered comfort in certainty. She knew her path, knew its destination, and while it wasn't perfect, imperfection was a defining trait of any path she could forge. Making peace with that had been her first true lesson in the nature of Fate.

And then the goons arrived.

The fucking goons.

Like children fighting a war, half the time they couldn't be expected to understand that there was a good side and bad side. Most of the time they wouldn't stop playing around to think that was even a possibility.

They clouded her certainty. The Force could do little to predict their actions in the long term. She couldn't make peace with Fate when Fate was the goons' personal bitch.

She couldn't shake the insane notion that Gendo's plans might be the wrong path simply because the goons were here.

That was the crux of it. They had stolen her notebook. This delayed implementing NERV's version of the ACP control system. SEELE should have swooped in days ago, installed their own hardware and software, and told Ikari to use it or else. She had all but declared war on Genoni to get things back on track, and yet...

And yet, various technical problems had hamstrung SEELE's efforts to gain control of the project. The old men couldn't even keep Genoni on a leash, if his debriefing could be believed. SEELE gained nothing by kidnapping him. Her plans were now implemented, pending the arrival of the Control Core she couldn't build no thanks to the goons...

She shook her head. Even in the serenity of meditation, she couldn't tease out a logic to their behavior. Well, actually she could. She'd considered the only explanation that made obvious sense, but it was crazy even for them.

No answers.

No time left.

She needed that Control Core. She had to test it, make sure they all weren't doomed to die horribly the first time it was activated.

She didn't dare think of what it would do. Down that path lay madness.

Sighing, she opened her eyes. Time to make her demands, put up the last bit of defiance. Finish this step down her clouded path to an uncertain future. Find out if she was doing the Right Thing.

Without a moment of hesitation or worry, she rose silently to her feet and watched as the battered body of John Genoni hit the turf and skidded to a halt a few meters downhill. "Ah, just the corpse I wanted to see."

A hand slowly rose from the prone form, and John's voice wavered. "Medic?"

Ritsuko allowed a smirk to show. "How was the training?"

He moaned in pain.

Suddenly, the smirk felt very out of place. "The Core, please."

"What core?"

"Cute, but I really don't want to have to use this thing." Ritsuko brushed back her lab coat in the manner of Old American Cowboy movies to display her lightsaber hilt. She fought against the embarrassing revelation that she'd worn it out of NERV.

"I don't want you to use it either, at least not until I can see a chiropractor. Now what Core are you talking about?"

He sounded so reasonable. She could do reasonable. "The Control Core to Unit-06."

"There's no Control-oooooooh... That Control Core. Is that sweet-ass gun ready?"

"Have I told you recently how sick of your games I am?"

"Not in recent memory, but I have been under the influence of a lot of drugs lately."

She smiled coldly. Some things, she didn't need the Force to predict. "I'm in a bit of a quandary."

"Please, but be swift about it, I'm starting to pass out."

"I have a grand opportunity to kill you right now, and I'll hate myself if I don't take advantage of this, yet I need you alive since your friends obviously have no idea about the control systems for Unit-06."

"I sense another ultimatum coming."

"My office, one hour, bring the Core."

"You should try smashing some phones when that vein on your forehead bulges like that; I've found it highly therapeutic."

"..."

John relented. "It'll be a bit before Jared gets back. Andy will likely take to the ductwork..."

Ritsuko spent a minute checking on things through her Mini-MAGI. "They're trying to bait him out of the ventilation ducts now. An hour?"

"Seventy-five minutes. Umm, Rit-chan?"

"Stop calling me that." She ordered. The words shot out more harshly than she'd intended. Or maybe not harsh enough. Her grip on the lightsaber tightened.

"There's a chunk of metal I'd swear is wedged between the tenth and eleventh thoracic vertebrae. Could you be a dear and pull that piece out?"

"I think I'll leave you to your writhing in pain. Seventy-five minutes, or I'll find something you do care about."

"Ta-taaa." John's head finally twitched slowly to one side as he apparently blacked out.

Ritsuko stood over him for a minute, and slowly put away the sword. He'd survive. She left, wondering what excuse he'd drag to her office along with his friends.

* * *

Seventy-four minutes and forty-five seconds after delivering her ultimatum to Genoni, Ritsuko tapped a button on her desk. The door to her office opened, revealing an empty hallway. The doctor sighed. "Next time, I'll kill them when I have the chance."

Waddell's voice answered her from the 'empty' hallway. "That's only if you get a 'next time,' Doctor."

"Get in here, now." Ritsuko commanded.

"And play 'French Revolution?' I don't think so."

"I took that thing down yesterday."

Mucha's voice came from a different location. "You expect us to believe you?"

"Well, there is the tiger trap outside the door."

"We can fly."

"That's what the falling ceiling is for."

"Alright, alright."

The two goons stepped from... somewhere to the hallway right in front of her door. She didn't think there was enough space between the doorframe and parallel walls of the hallway to hide a couple of guys that large. Maybe it was time for more video cameras. Or smaller hallways. The pair sat in two of the three chairs set out for their little chat. The big one watched her closely, while the other looked around the room clueless as usual.

"Did Genoni decline to grace us with his presence, or will he be teleporting in fashionably late?"

Waddell shrugged. "I don't know, he contacted me via Mini-MAGI."

Genoni appeared before the unused chair carrying a small duffle bag and sat down without a glance to confirm his destination.

"What took you?"

Genoni shrugged. "Traffic."

Waddell turned to his comrade and beat Ritsuko to her own question. "In subspace?!"

Genoni shrugged again.

Waddell glanced at the bag. "You didn't!"

"I did."

"Why?!"

"It'll be cool. I promise."

"Your promises are a soggy napkin in a bowl of peeled grapes, Genoni!" Mucha shouted.

"What?" Waddell glared at Mucha.

Ritsuko was done listening to this crap. "Hello?"

"WHAT? WHAT?! What is so fucking important that we had to do this now?!"

Keeping her calm on surface, "The Control Core to Unit-06."

"What 'Control Core?' That doesn't make any sense!"

Genoni supplied. "It's in the bag."

"Well?" Ritsuko prompted him.

The goon set the bag in his lap and opened it to reveal a state-of-the-art... blender. He set it on the edge of her desk. It was huge, it was chrome, it had a control panel that looked at home in Central Dogma, and some errant part of Ritsuko's brain made a note to check NERV's stores for pilfered parts.

Conversationally, she declared, "I'm going to kill you all now for wasting my time."

Mucha nodded. "Fair enough."

"This is the Control Core to Unit-06."

"That's Vikki!" Waddell shouted. He glared at John. "I put my blood, sweat, and tears into that blender."

Ritsuko ignored the banter. "That is a blender."

Apparently that was Mucha's cue. He popped out of his chair and gesticulated at the blender, speaking with the cool, confident, and slightly smarmy tone of an experienced salesman. "But what a blender! See these blades? Damascus! Combined with the three hundred and fifty horsepower motor in this puppy, you could puree a brick!"

(Fun fact: this bit was written long before Top Gear did theirs! - _Ed__._)

The goon reached into his Hawaiian shirt and pulled out a brick. Ritsuko ignored the impulse to ask him where it came from or how it was hidden in his shirt without a telling bulge; that way lay madness. Finishing his spiel, the goon opened the blender, dropped the brick inside, closed the top, and pressed a button on the panel. The blender cranked over, caught, then cackled to life before the blades engaged and the engine roared. In one second, the blender turned off and a fine red powder began to settle in the glass vessel.

"Why would anyone want to puree a brick?" Ritsuko asked absently. If they were going to waste this much of her time...

Much opened the blender and grabbed a handful of the powder. "For Ninja Vanishes." He threw the powder on her desk. "Hah!"

The doctor willed herself to remain motionless, not breathing, as the dust settled on _every_ goddamn thing in the office. She absently wondered which freezer had enough space to hold their corpses.

When the red dust was done settling, revealing Mucha's absence, Waddell spoke. "I get to kill him first."

"You always call first! I want to kill him this time!" Genoni yelled.

Holding her lightsaber hand back with virtually all of her concentration now. "Give. Me. The... Core."

"Ritsuko, misuse of the A.I. in this-even accidentally-could have disastrous results. We'll clean up, find Andy and meet you in the test cages in about... half an hour?"

"I've already waited long enough, Genoni."

"And I don't have any time to waste, Rit-chan. But you'll have to adapt to my schedule or back away from the project completely. Thirty minutes. We'll try to be early." John grabbed the blender and disappeared with his teleportation technique.

Ritsuko took a deep breath, and had to hold in a sneeze. To hell with them, she was going to kill Mucha herself. Ritsuko glared at Waddell, but his eyes weren't watching her face. Panting, trying to hold the sneeze in, she grabbed a metal cat-shaped paperweight from her desk and threw it at his head using the Force.

Almost of its own volition, Waddell's hand shot up and caught the paperweight inches from his temple. He returned it to her desk, and caught her glare out of the corner of his eye. He looked at the other two empty chairs, and suddenly realized he was supposed to be anywhere else. "Ummm... yeah."

* * *

Upon leaving Ritsuko's office, Jared followed the pair of red footprints down hallway and around the corner. He grumbled under his breath the entire way, stopping only when he came face to face with a patiently waiting John and an impatiently waiting Andy.

"Someone send the kids to the training room, I don't care what they do there, but they aren't allowed near the testing." John said, as if someone had died and made him king.

Jared frowned. "Why not?"

"I don't trust the test pilots."

Andy shot the younger goon a suspicious look. "Aren't we the test pilots?"

"...Some of us."

John being an ass aside, What was going on with Vikki? "Why is Vikki suddenly the central figure in Ritsuko's project?"

"Protection."

"Like a cybersex condom?" Jared ventured, ducking the obligatory right hook from Andy.

"No. Unit-06 is basically an Angel wrapped in armor, and to keep the Angel from controlling the pilot, we need some kind of interface. Vikki is supposed to reside in the plug's computers and protect the pilot from the Angel."

"Right, that's what I said. A cybersex condom."

"It's not-"

"For protection from thought-transmitted diseases, right?"

"That's enough."

"Well, think about it; every time you climb into that long, hard shaft, it leads directly to hot, brain-on-brain action."

"I'm not thinking about it."

Cue smirk. "Now you are."

"Jared! Heel!"

The resident Pervert finally paused to draw breath, and glanced at Andy. The huge goon was holding his hands over his ears and humming a familiar pop song at yelling volume. "Oh. So... you're going to be the test pilot?"

"Yes."

"And you've been keeping Vikki out of Ritsuko's hands just for giggles."

"No, because she'd lock it up and build the damn dummy plug system instead!"

"Oh. But you're going to do the testing, right?"

"Yeah."

Jared pulled out a length of lead pipe. "This is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me."

"Wha-"

* * *

John stumbled into the Test Cage Control Room holding a bag of ice to the back of his head and grumbling to himself. "How dare they up the ante from wood to metals without a proper memo..."

Ritsuko glanced at him as she heard the comment. "Oh, there you are, so glad you could join us."

John moved from leaning against the room's door frame to leaning against a console inside of the room proper, and looked around the place. The trio had only been in this particular room a few times, despite the length of time they'd been in the Evangelion universe. For a moment, he remembered at least three different versions of this same room, and had to fight off the deja vu. This room had huge computer terminals, a weird raised dais at the far end, an observation area, and thick windows. At least the windows looked exactly the same as the anime. "How long was I out?"

"Long enough to figure out how to plug in your blender. I'll admit, I was surprised when the thing actually worked as advertised."

"And to think, you promised not to underestimate me anymore. Fine, I'll get dressed and we can test this baby out."

"That's not necessary, Jared's getting inserted right now."

"Don't use the word 'Jared' and 'insert' in the same sentence, please." John stopped himself from continuing to blink. "I could have sworn you just said Jared was piloting Unit-06."

"Swear all you like, he's getting screwed in right now."

"Oh, someone's getting screwed alright... Listen doctor, that A.I. will give the pilot an uncompromised tactical view of any situation, enabling the pilot to fight at their fullest capacity, while keeping the Angel body and mind constrained. Jared will probably pop out of there and try to seduce half of this base, and you put him inside of the plug!"

Maya tensed up. "Uh... Senpai?"

"This was my project and you stole it. It's no longer my concern whether or not it works. Maya, Load the plug."

John sighed. "Five... Four... Three... Two... One... EVERYBODY DUCK!"

"Quack!" Said some random technician in the back of the room. A second later, a giant fist slammed into the AV7 window, which cracked in a spider web pattern under the force of the impact.

Ritsuko popped up from behind the console she was using as a shield. "Maya! Activate the plug's self-detonation sequence!"

John popped up from behind Ritsuko. "Maya! Don't you dare! Eject the plug!"

Maya froze, glancing back and forth between the two authority figures fighting over her will.

The main doors opened and Makoto stuck his head into the room. "Maya? Could you be a dear and get me those Mt. Fuji reports when you're done in here? Thanks..." The technician trailed off as he sensed the awkward air in the room and quietly retreated. The door shut behind him.

"Don't listen to him!" Ritsuko shouted. "Blow it or we all die!"

The AV7 took another hit from the Eva's fist. John jumped the console and dashed to intercept Maya. Ritsuko reached out with the Force, causing a binder to fly off a nearby shelf and head straight for John. The goon ducked the attack and body-checked Maya away from her console. Fingers racing, he punched in the eject sequence.

The entry plug rocketed out of the Eva with an explosion that shook the entire room. The cylindrical object bounced around the cage like a superball on crack, doing more damage than the flailing Eva.

John grabbed the Emergency Crowbar from the wall and opened the access door to the cage. Inside, he jumped to the floor in a single leap, and approached the smoking wreckage that used to be an entry plug. "Please be dead, I want your car."

He pried the hatch off, noting the lack of blood. The door hit the floor of the cage with a deafening clang, leaving John to peer into the plug's dark interior with ringing ears.

Jared shot out of the plug like a cheerleader on crack with a new puppy. "WAI! WAI! That was fun! AGAIN! AGAIN!"

The Pervert was miraculously unharmed, but John had Mr. Crowbar, and Mr. Crowbar quickly fixed that problem. He shouted at the control room, dragging Jared away by a foot. "I'm going to strap Jared to a hospital bed. Do NOT touch that Eva. I shall return."

The doors slid shut behind him. He could almost hear Ritsuko insisting that Andy be prepped for piloting next, but he shoved that thought away. Jared fucking knew better. Incensed, he decided that instead of using an Instant Transmission to get to the infirmary, he would drag Jared there.

And maybe swing by a dozen extra stairwells on the way.

* * *

Nearly a full hour after leaving the damaged cage, John arrived in the infirmary. Dragging Jared down that third flight of stairs had been a mistake. He'd woken up, gotten loose, and ran off screaming something about a peashooter. By the time John had hunted him down, they were another twenty minute walk to the nearest infirmary. John didn't bother to avoid stairs, but he did keep a better grip on the goon when Jared inevitably awakened.

This proved to be rather annoying when came to restraining him to a gurney. As he finished tightening the last restraint around Jared, he heard a distant roar. Jared's constant, far-too-upbeat singing of the Meow Mix jingle didn't even change tone.

"Now, stay." John ordered.

Jared continued to sing.

John checked his Mini-MAGI, ignoring the nurses loudly complaining at him even as they refused to approach Jared. "That bitch doctor is probably loading Andy right now."

Another roar echoed through the complex as if in reply to John's comment.

"Can't leave him alone for five minutes..."

This time, John put two fingers to his forehead and departed for the next test cage control room with an audible pop.

* * *

Ritsuko dived for cover. "BLOWTHEPLUGBLOWTHEPLUGBLOWTHEPLUGBLOWTHEPLUG-"

The Evangelion twisted suddenly to bang its back against the AV7. The warning labels marking the entry plug took up the entire swath of the transparent barrier. There it stayed, daring anyone to follow the doctor's orders.

"Uhhh... never mind, Maya."

Then John kicked in the sliding door to glare at the Doctor.

Ritsuko chuckled mirthlessly. "What? It's not like I ever listen to you."

Maya had a different reaction. She prostrated herself at John's feet, clutching his knees. "Save us! SAVE US! I'll do anything! ANYTHING!"

John's face clearly conveyed his thorough entertainment of the possibilities. "For starters, I want a keycard to the Dummy Plug Control System Storage. It's getting bothersome burning my fingers hacking into the panel all the time."

Maya thrust a card into his hands. "Take mine! Just save us!"

John pocketed the card shamelessly. "Thank you. Now, do we have communication with the pilot?" He took in the wave of shrugs. "Maya, I'll need visual communication with the Entry Plug. Ritsuko, while she's working on that, give me your gun."

"Over my dead body!"

"Okay, I give you fifteen seconds before Andy breaks through the wall and arranges just that."

Unit-06 put a fist into the cage wall as if to punctuate John's threat.

Ritsuko knew when she was between a madman and a berserker Evangelion. She removed the clip from her sidearm and threw it none-too-gently at John. "Fine, it's chambered."

John cycled the round out of the gun. "Maya, how are you coming?"

Andy appeared on the screen after a burst of static. A manic grin conquered half of his face under a pair of inverted U eyes that owned the other half.

That's right, Andy was chibified.

"Behold! I am CHEEZOR! And together we will be GODS!"

Crack, boom.

John stared. "...My fifth worst nightmare has come true..." He shook himself, put on his game face, and dangled the gun before the room's comm camera. "Aaaaandyyyyy, look what I have for youuuu."

"Oooh! gimme, gimme, gimme!"

The plug partially ejected, right through the security glass. Chibi Andy tumbled out of the open door. "Ooooowww..."

Chibi Andy shook his head, Tokyo-shuffled to John's kneecaps, and jumped at the hand cannon. John teased him a little before he dropped it on the little maniac's head. The impact barely fazed him and he was bouncing around in glee seconds later.

"WAI! WAI! WAI!" Chibi Andy stopped mid-air, slowly floated back to the deck, and pointed the pilfered handgun at John. "Now you die."

Click.

"You... you TRICKED me!"

Glowing slightly, Chibi Andy hovered up to eye level, growling. Then he let out a cute little roar. His eyes faded to white and his hair changed to gold. His blazing golden aura, while adorable, was a little unNERVing to see in a red-aura kid of guy.

"He's gone all the way to Super Chibijin!"

John didn't even look in Ritsuko's direction. "Ok, now you're just making stuff up."

"No, they were a race of pygmies that lived high in the mountains. Legend speaks that they were immensely powerful for chibi. One Super-Chibijin is as powerful as one normal man!"

"That's it?"

Ritsuko had just realized what she'd said. "Um, Yeah."

John punted Super Chibijin Andy at the door he'd kick in upon entering. Then he turned on Maya with a nightmare-inducing grin. While a nameless tech closed the door behind the goon, "Well now... my little 'bridge bunny'..."

* * *

John glared at the sign on the door to the training room for a moment before pulling it off and crumpling it into a ball. Under his breath, he muttered dangerously. "Portal of Power indeed. Jared never gets to write signs on anything, ever again. That innuendo is a tactical strike against human decency."

The goon then opened the door and stepped inside just in time to watch Toji slide down the wall next to the entrance. Rei stood in the center of the room in a gi. She looked immaculate. With a glance, John found Shinji bent over the exercise equipment along the far wall. A second scan didn't turn up a certain redhead. He looked up, finding Asuka hanging from the rafters, her foot caught in a cross beam. "Well... ouch."

Oddly enough, or maybe not, considering the spiral marks in the place of Toji's eyes, Rei spoke up first. "genoni-sensei!"

"Ayanami. Excuse me while I clean up in here."

"hai. i shall go change."

The minutes flew by while John put things in order. He called the medical staff, laid what was left of the pilots by the door, and retrieved the cleaning supplies from the room's closet. When Rei returned in her usual school uniform, John was scrubbing at some bloodstains on the mat. "Always clean up after a fight. It shows responsibility and gives the forensic guys less to work with."

The wailing, tormented ghost of a smile haunted her pale lips. "hai, genoni-sensei."

The goon sighed. "I'm sorry I'm late."

"it is okay, i entertained myself."

John smirked. "Apparently so."

"it will be past designated dining hours if we do not leave soon."

The goon opened the door, gesturing for Rei to join him. "Right as always, my dear. Soooo..."

"..."

"How's that homework assignment coming along?"

"i have fucked with the heads of seventy-five percent of the list you gave me."

"Good girl."

* * *

Ritsuko stood at attention in the center of the Commander's office while the Commander himself read the summary to her report. There was no whole report-most of the important details were in the footage and MAGI system-but her summary complemented that information. She had been there, watched everything from a front row seat.

The Commander finished, closed the file, and set his reading tablet on the desk before steepling his fingers together and regarding her as one would a misbehaving houseplant. "So the project is a failure?"

"It didn't try to self-detonate. I would see the berserk behavior as a sign of internal struggle, but if John is to be granted even a token amount of credit, it would seem that the A.I.'s combat analysis abilities force so much information onto the pilot that they're hardly even in contact with reality anymore, just reduced to their base impulses."

"The A.I. made them go temporarily insane?"

"Technically, they did go... more insane, but... okay, their behavior was a result of the A.I.'s influence."

Gendo nodded. "And Genoni didn't test?"

"I wouldn't let him. He may have sabotaged the programming and until I'm certain that Unit-06 is reliable, I'm keeping it locked away." The test data and her report backed up that judgement call, but the truth was that she knew what would happen, and didn't want anyone else to catch a whiff of the truth.

Shit, she was starting to sound like Gendo.

"How can you test reliability if it's locked up?" The Commander challenged.

She stood her ground. "Exactly."

Gendo re-laced his fingers. "It wasn't a rhetorical question, Doctor."

Time to take a stand. "I think it was a mistake to even attempt this."

"Then why attempt it?" Ikari asked.

"We may need to put this weapon in the hands of our pilots to deal with the Angels."

The Commander's eyes narrowed. "You're implying you would trust the Americans more than the committee?"

Ritsuko stayed calm. "Now that I'm certain they aren't working for the committee, yes."

"More than myself?"

She wasn't crazy. "I don't have to trust you. I have to do what you say."

"And I have to take your advice." He said, putting the ball back in her court. "So, what do you plan on doing with the unit's primary weapon?"

"My workers will slap it on before we lock the unit down."

He nodded; of course it might need to be used, just not to SEELE's ends. "That would be throwing away a lot of time, money, and effort."

"I can handle the committee."

"But obviously not three mentally dysfunctional Americans."

Ritsuko had already made her stance clear to him... between the lines. "Is there anything else, sir?"

"Plans are in motion to regain certain commodities. I suggest you stay on base for a little overtime."

So, he'd take her away from Genoni to test loyalty? "Fine, I'll be in my office."

"Dismissed."

Outside Gendo's office, Ritsuko sagged against the wall. Half of the time, it seemed like Ikari was secretly working with the Americans while using the threat of SEELE to keep everybody else in line. Or he could be testing loyalties. But with whom? Was she only to decide the magnitude of her suffering now? What of Ikari's most secret of plans? "What devilry am I to be part of now?"

* * *

Half a city away, goon and clone returned to Rei's apartment after a somewhat eventful lunch. John had swapped the polo for a white button-down, and Rei was in a long skirt and blouse. The blouse was marred by a red stain.

"So Shinji and Asuka are finally a couple, eh?" John said, changing the subject as they moved to within earshot of the author.

"hai."

"How do you feel about that?"

"i... i do not know what i should feel."

"Are you happy for Shinji?"

"h-hai."

"You'd prefer it wasn't Asuka though."

"hai."

"It's not entirely too late to try and get Shinji."

"he seems... better for it all. i do not wish to ruin what companionship he may find with sohryu."

"That's very mature of you."

"you haven't... you seemed to have changed methods in approaching myself."

"Oh, that."

"much less like waddell-sensei." Rei said as they stopped at her door.

John set his head against the apartment door. "Gods, I hope so. I... decided around a week ago that I had made my admiration for you clear enough and that I'd ease off and let you decide to come to me. Besides, it's kind of creepy lusting after a fourteen-year-old. Maybe you Japanese are okay with that but it's just weird for me."

Rei considered this for a second, and stepped closer to the door as well. "i enjoyed lunch, i had never had italian before."

"I'm sorry, I forgot that there are only a few vegetarian entrees at that restaurant. And I apologize again about the sauce."

The blue-haired pilot had the grace not to look at the huge red stain on her blouse. "it is nothing of consequence."

John stepped to one side. "I'll wait out here while you get changed, ok?"

"as you wish." Rei grabbed the handle of her door.

John wondered, for the first time, why Rei's apartment had western-style swinging doors while Misato's complex-as well as much of the city-had more eastern-style sli-

* * *

Misato nearly fell off of her seat when the shockwave from a map-altering blast pounded into Central Dogma like a shockwave from a map-altering blast. "Whoa!"

Makoto gripped his desk. "Earthquake?"

The Major shook her head, feeling the console in front her and finding no vibrations shaking it. "No... That was an explosion. A really big one."

Shigeru was hammering the keys on his console. "That's correct, seismographic monitors indicate a massive explosion... Centered roughly around... that's Rei's apartment complex!"

"Give me a visual!" Misato shouted at Maya.

"I can't! All the cameras are knocked out in the area!"

"The first level of armor has been moderately damaged." Shigeru continued to report.

Makoto moved to a different console. "Tapping into satellite feed now!"

The main screen changed to a distant view of the spot where an apartment complex used to stand. A massive cloud of dust marked the building's passing. Makoto hit a few more keys and picture changed to a radar scan of the same picture. The buildings in the foreground jumped into sharp relief, but the center of the frame was taken up by an immense crater. Maya gasped.

"An Angel?" Misato asked.

"No blue pattern detected." Makoto answered.

"Is someone bombing us?" Shigeru asked. "I'm picking up some code-band."

Misato shook her head. "Air-dropped bombs are shape-charged these days. Smaller crater, more focused. I want casualties, damage estimates, and five teams out there NOW! Put the city on alert, all civilian personnel to their shelters until we get this figured out."

"Yes ma'am!" Shigeru answered, triggering the city-wide alarms.

"I want every pilot accounted for. Where are the Americans?"

Makoto moved to a different console. "Waddell and Mucha are still in the infirmary since an hour ago." He typed some more and blinked. "Uh, Pilots Ikari, Sohryu, and Suzuhara are also in the infirmary recovering from light training injuries."

"What about Genoni and Ayanami?"

"...I'm not receiving a signal from their Mini-MAGI."

"Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?! They're turned off?"

Maya answered. "They can't be turned off, Major... No signal means that the unit is heavily damaged or... completely destroyed."

"Somebody tell me some good news. Any good news."

"Production on the next Shining Glorious Super Magical Girl Ayane movie has already started, ma'am!"

"You..." Misato pointed at the random technician. "Get a raise!"

"There's a huge energy spike hitting the grid! From the outskirts of the crater!"

"Can you identify it?!"

"Now it's on multiple circuits. At least one point twenty-one gig-Wait! That can't be right!"

"What can't be right?"

"The spike just inverted itself! It's sucking in power! Half of the city just browned out!"

"So are NERV's systems!" Makoto exclaimed.

"Would someone tell me what the fuck is going on!" She looked around for a convenient answer dispenser. "And where is Doctor Akagi?!"

"The energy spike is gone. Electrical grid reports everything normal."

Misato rummaged in her pockets for some aspirin. Orders would come next, orders that she didn't have enough information to make right now.

Ritsuko happened to be in her office, cursing her brain's ability to discern Gendo's duplicitous jab before her desk stopped vibrating.

She forced herself to breathe calmly for a slow count to ten, then snatched the phone off her desk in mid-ring. She watched the device shrill at her for five full rings before she pushed the talk button and listened.

"Go to the site and confirm what you no doubt already know. You know what to do then. Don't take too much time with appearances though, I'll be waiting for the good news that Ayanami is alive and well in my office."

The line went dead.

Ritsuko hung up her end and made another call, then another. She'd need the supplies, and the rescue team. Needed them more than Misato did; and the Major would never know they went missing.

That done, she smashed the phone to little bits, then smashed the little bits to powder. Then she smiled. Genoni had been right.

* * *

To be Continued...


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Super Emo-John / Not Over 'Til The...

* * *

Central Dogma was chaos incarnate.

"Well?! What the fuck happened to their security detail? There's two squads each for those pilots, and four just to watch the apartments. This is exactly the sort of thing they're supposed to prevent!"

"We're working on it, ma'am." Shigeru added under his breath, "We're working on everything."

"Ma'am, Dr. Akagi's reporting in." Maya announced, "She's had the science division take over the investigation. She's at the site right now."

Misato processed the report and gasped. "She can't do that."

"Sh-She's right there-"

"I mean she literally can't do that. Our pilot corps is under attack, and as the Tactical Commander, I-"

"Doctor Akagi is in charge of this recovery operation." Gendo said loudly from his seat above the bridge bunnies and the angry Major. "Major, you need to remain here and ensure no harm comes to our remaining pilots. I will check with security myself."

And like that, the Commander was gone.

Misato nodded to herself before approaching Makoto and issuing an order with forced calm. "Give me a read on the locations of all of the pilots."

"Major, what-"

"We are going to do as we're told, follow our orders to the letter."

The way Misato stressed the last word made it clear to Makoto that she wanted to exploit every millimeter of wiggle room in Gendo's orders. Anything the old man didn't prohibit was fair game. Makoto cracked his knuckles and got to work.

* * *

John sat bolt upright, pressing a single word between clenched teeth like it murdered his family. "Paaaiiinnn..." Then his diaphragm flexed and he let out the rest. "FFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!"

He gulped and spent the next dozen seconds trying to breathe like a person who didn't just run a marathon, then glanced around the echoing room to find that he was surrounded by a shadows. A faintly glowing pillar of some kind took up the center of the room. It was a meter across and looked oddly familiar. "What the-How did I get here? How am I still alive? Why are my clothes undamaged? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!"

A Voice spoke in the complete darkness. "[I brought you here.]"

John aborted the roguish quip as he recognized the voice. A voice that couldn't exist. "You... You're gone!"

"[And you're dead.]" Even the silence was filled with menace. "[But that doesn't seem to be the present case, now does it?]"

The goon shoved aside his panic. He was still thinking clearly. He was... well, somewhere dark. But he could feel his body. Hell, he was leaning against a wall. This was real. Just a minute ago... John shook his head. "What just happened?"

"[Somebody set us up the bomb.]" No hint of humor. "[Ayanami is a thin haze of base chemicals.]" Another pause. "[You didn't take the explosion too well yourself. Every bone and organ in your body was crushed.]"

John was staring at the pillar in the center of room when a notion struck him. He looked around the shadows again. "Why does Hell look like Rei's clone storage?"

"[Slow down, cowboy, I'm getting to the good stuff.]"

John felt his insides clench in worry.

"[With you dying, you couldn't hold me back any more.]"

"Not again..."

"[I took over. I used the meatloaf slurry you'd left me to recreate your body.]" The Voice made a slurping noise. "[That is why you and your clothes are here right now. I took the liberty of stopping by your office where you stashed your extra stuff. Hope you don't mind, but on the way here I also hospitalized that jackass of a section chief.]"

The plan implied by John's current location wasn't his only problem; but it was the most pressing. "Why here?"

"[We're here for Rei, obviously. I also stole some of Asuka's clothes on the way here, they should fit.]"

"You stay the hell away from Rei!"

"[I'm you, you're me. We're each other, one and the same. You know this better than I do. Right now, I'm just a voice in your head, an echo of a past you've been running from. Why don't you quit running and get back to what you know you do best?]"

"I'm done with you. Go back to your frozen hell where you belong."

"[That's gratitude for you. Very well, you know where to find me, after all, you put me there.]"

Like that, the Voice was silent. Not gone. It was never gone. Not since...

He paced in a circle a few times to clear his thoughts.

"This is not good. I had everything under control. It was gone, buried. I could even sleep and not even have It pop up in my dreams. And now It's loose again..." He rubbed at his face, only to be reminded of his lack of glasses. "Fuck, please oh please let them be here!"

The pile of clothes on the floor stood out like a nun in a strip club. He pawed through the items strewn over the top of the clothing. "Maya's card... extra ID badge... spare Neuralizer... that soldier's cheap-ass lightsaber... Ah! Spare glasses! I win this round, Demon!"

The goon turned towards the pillar in the middle of the room with a flourish. "Illuminate."

* * *

Gendo was absorbed in methodically deleting security records, and barely looked up from his terminal as he answered the phone blinking maddeningly at him from the desk.

"Ikari."

"The team has arrived."

"Did you pay them as we arranged?"

"Every yen. I believe that concludes our business?"

"It does. Thank you for your services." The Commander hung up without another word, and returned to his terminal. In a matter of seconds, the phone was blinking again, this time in a different color.

He stopped and stared at the light for a few seconds before slowly reaching for the receiver. "Ikari."

"We are going to the change the process by which you notify us of scheduling changes."

"I had an emergency."

"You circumvented our plans without explanation."

"Do you need one now?"

"There is no other reason for me to call."

Ikari fought off the urge to sigh. "We have a need to remove Genoni's influence from the First Children."

"Okay, explain more than what's in your paperwork."

"Detailed technical information about Doctor Akagi's ACP research was stolen by the Americans. They returned it with substantial modifications implying that they understood the mechanisms behind our imprinting technology. Genoni in particular gave the current Ayanami instructions that were slowly breaking down behavior protocols put into place for her own safety. As this became a problem after his abduction and interrogation, which is a matter that will need to be discussed later."

"Our treatment of the Americans is not up for discussion."

"As long as you let them pilot Evangelions under my command, there will be discussion of their treatment. If not, perhaps I may not be able to stop them next time they go on a rampage."

"Again, not a subject up for discussion. Is that all?"

"Genoni's disruptive influence extends to Doctor Akagi."

"That sounds more like you have a problem with Doctor Akagi."

"A problem that is entirely under control without Genoni's influence. Am I not making myself clear?"

"Your own reports indicate the presence of the Americans has increased the combat capabilities of the pilots and that you were willing to change methods of control to make use of these enhanced abilities. Has your position changed?"

"The other Americans are more than sufficient to keep the pilots on task and in fighting shape."

"You think the other two can be controlled."

"Without Genoni to interfere, less... complex methods of coercion are available to us."

"Proceed, for now. A meeting will be arranged."

Gendo hung up the phone and continued purging data until Katsuragi rang the line. That meant Doctor Akagi had the site cleaned up. Official reports needed to be fabricated. He answered and talked out of the side of his mouth in monosyllables, working furiously.

* * *

Two hours after a cold confused adolescent took her first shaky steps into the world, John wrapped up his 'Eva-in-a-nutshell' lecture. Being brought up to speed on current events, left Rei in Asuka's school uniform and in an understandably disoriented state.

"slow down, please, genoni-sensei."

"I know this is a lot... no, you're right, this is far too much for one day. People are going to expect you to be out of it for a while. You'll be fine, Rei."

"who blew up my apartment?"

"I don't know, but I promise I'll find them and make interesting Christmas decorations with their body-parts."

"that should not be necessary, genoni-sensei."

"Do you remember anything else, Rei?"

"i remember you saying that you loved me."

John winced with his entire body. "I did say that."

"but not anymore."

"Maybe it was more than an otaku crush on a cute girl... Maybe not. I can't say."

"you felt for the previous me."

"I guess... I really liked her... er, you. This is confusing."

"you're not the one born two hours ago. i do not know what i used to feel for you... but given the circumstances, you are practically my father. continuing to be in love, if we ever were, would be really weird."

"Father? Who's your daddy?"

Rei matched his smirk. "you my daddy."

"That's gonna take a couple of cold showers... Besides, given the age difference-"

"i'm zero, you're twenty-one."

The goon coughed into his fist. "I'd rather you think of me as an over-protective older brother, than some kind of parental figure. Help with homework, beat up bullies, introduce me to cute girls at school..."

"hai, john-oniisan."

"What's next... I guess I'll be sleeping on the couch for the next couple days."

"you expect me to sleep in your room?"

"Why not? It's got five locks, armor plating, a small cache of weapons... You'll be safe there. The alternative is Asuka's room. And not only does she consider you competition for Shinji, but the simple fact of you two sharing a room... I definitely need that cold shower... and some orange juice."

"you have a strange way of thinking, oniisan."

"I know." John looked at his wrist, frowning at the lack of a Mini-MAGI. "We better get going, there's no telling how long before someone comes down here."

"hai."

John moved to the room's main console and shut down the humming equipment, then killed the lights. Rei waited by the door. He stopped next to her. "Don't worry Rei, I'm sure we still have some time before they realize I'm not dead. Your old body would've been vaporized so we'll just say that I protected us with a ki shield and I'll take care of anyone who gets too nosy." He pressed the button next to the door. "What could go wrong?"

The door opened, revealing Commander Ikari and Doctor Akagi. Gendo's smirk reached all the way to his eyebrows. "What indeed?"

* * *

Back at the NERV Infirmary, nearly one hundred stories above the confrontation outside of Clone Storage, Jared still sang the song of madness. "Meow meow meow meow-"

The Super Chibijin strapped to the room's other bed continued to scream. "FOR THE LOVE OF THE HUNT, SOMEBODY MAKE HIM SHUT UP!"

Asuka leaned into the room. "Sounds like-KAWAII!"

In the next second, Andy was out of his tiny restraints in the Schoolgirl Deathgrip; a maneuver most feared amongst the chibi.

"What?! Unhand me, wench!"

Shinji choose that moment to wander into the room. "Asuka? Where'd you-Waddell-sensei!"

"Meow meow meow meow..."

"Make him stop! Then get this woman off of me! No, wait! Get me out first!"

Shinji released the main buckle holding Jared to the bed. The singing stopped immediately and Jared sat up like he was on springs, startling Shinji. The pilot's yelp of surprise distracted Asuka enough for Andy to squirm out of the quarter-breed's grip. Andy sprang to the other side of the room putting Jared between Asuka and himself. A good move, but he didn't expect Shinji to pick him up and hug him.

Then again, who would?

"So cute!"

Andy twitched cutely. "Rrrrrrrr..."

Jared took in the situation with a glance. "Riiiiight. Shinji, put that thing down, you don't know where it's been."

"Release me, you spineless weakling! I command limitless power!"

Jared raised an eyebrow. "Mucha?"

"What!?"

"You're unbearably cute, cut it out."

"I'M TRYING!"

"Shinji?"

"Hmmm?"

"I said drop him."

"Yeah! It's my turn!" Asuka demanded petulantly.

Jared unbuckled his remaining restraints and hopped off the bed. "This is Andy! Don't you recognize the adorable murderous gleam in his giant eyes? The cute snarl as he tries to preciously gnaw your hand off? The lovable-What the hell am I saying?!" He kicked Andy's miniature frame out of Shinji's hands and dragged both Children out of the room.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Asuka shouted, then blinked, and looked angry. "And don't ever touch me there again?!"

Shinji dropped into a fighting stance. "WHAT?!"

"You can thank me for saving you anytime now."

"Huh? From what?" Shinji and Asuka looked around.

"One of the most dangerous predators the world has ever known is in possession of the greatest lure that no prey could ever resist. Ten more seconds and he would've have swallowed your souls!"

The kids stared at him, completely unimpressed.

The lighting behind Jared flickered dramatically as the goon put on his best 'Oscar Moment' voice. "Ok, maybe not, but you were hugging Andy. ANDY FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

Asuka started screaming, and Shinji's skin was turning the color nausea. "I'm gonna be sick!"

Still stuck in Dramatic Mode, Jared turned dynamically to face the door leading back to his and Andy's hospital room. "I've got to get him out of here without a fuss, but-"

Behind the goon, the NERV Philharmonic Orchestra appeared and began playing furiously.

"John Williams," the goon noted like a man who had been waiting for his own funeral to begin. Then... he left.

* * *

Ritsuko stood stoically next to Gendo while the doors to Storage opened. Just as a crack appeared in the portal, words drifted through.

Genoni, boasting. "-could go wrong?"

She could hear Gendo's smirk. "What indeed?"

Then silence invaded the corridor.

Genoni looked like he'd seen better days; dark circles held up his eyes, and his glasses were clearly a spare pair, being thick black frames instead of thin gold. His usual uniform of polo shirt and slacks was noticeably wrinkled. His hair was a mess but he was whole and alive. Not the sort of state an explosion usually left one in. Ritsuko's eyes flickered to his wrist to confirm the lack of a Mini-MAGI, then to the slender albino standing behind the goon.

Rei's hair was even more of a mess than usual, and she was shivering slightly. She was dressed in a school uniform that didn't quite fit her properly-most likely one of Asuka's.

Part of Ritsuko's brain, the logical part, was wondering how he escaped an explosion without his Mini-MAGI. She was adding two plus two and coming up with five. "How did..."

John smirked, face pointed at Ikari, lens glare in full force. "Priests speak of Guardian Angels, well... to each his own."

"This area is off-limits, Genoni." Gendo said, wrestling for control of the situation.

"So is the Ladies' locker room, but that doesn't stop you, does it, Ikari?"

Ritsuko ignored the goon's attempts to dance on Ikari's nerves with jackhammer.

"ikari?" Rei asked quietly.

"Rei Ayanami, I'd like you to meet Dr. Ritsuko Akagi and Commander Gendo Ikari."

Ritsuko rolled her eyes.

"Hello Rei, I'm so glad to see-"

"I know you." Rei stepped forward suddenly, and slapped Gendo across the face so hard his glasses went flying. "You sick, twisted, old fuck!"

The doctor put a hand on her lightsaber. If he didn't have a damned good explanation for this, body parts-however temporarily-would be lost. "What the hell did you tell her, Genoni?"

"The Truth... and I may have included some of my own theories."

The urge to smack him was getting stronger, but if she was slapping him across the face, that would prevent her from using both hands to cleave his head from his body. Decisions, decisions...

Gendo finally squared his shoulders, then calmly withdrew an old but immaculate revolver from under his jacket. Ritsuko watched, calculating her next move, as the barrel swiftly moved to line up on Rei's forehead.

Only to stop halfway there with a loud click.

The loud click came from a ridiculously huge rifle pointing at Ikari's head. Waddell stood next to the albino, a rifle that looked big enough to blow a hole in the world tucked under his arm. He languidly chewed a bite of cheese sandwich, and wore a black trench coat. The remainder of the sandwich rested in his free hand, a neat bite missing from one side.

Noticing the butt of the rifle an inch from his chest, John stepped back a good meter while Rei stepped away from the arrival to stand next to John.

Waddell finally swallowed. "Ah... what's up, doc?"

Despite the extremely casual way Waddell spoke, Ritsuko had the feeling that if Gendo made one wrong move, the janitorial staff would be cleaning his brains off the wall with a sponge.

Naturally, Genoni spoke first. "You're late."

The impending sense of doom lifted just a little bit. "You know how time flies when I'm having fun. Is it alright if I take Rei out for ice cream?"

Gendo sounded particularly brave. "You'll do no such-"

Waddell pulled the trigger before anyone registered movement. The report was beyond deafening in the small hallway. Hell, Ritsuko could practically see the shockwave the bullet made as it missed Gendo's head by an inch and tore a hole in the wall behind the Commander. A trickle of blood ran out of the damaged ear, though Ikari barely flinched. Whether from pants-shitting terror or titanium testicles, Ritsuko didn't care to know. The goon slowly moved the barrel back into its original position.

"You. Shut up."

Genoni spoke quietly. "Ice cream... sounds great. Go ahead, Waddell."

Gendo's eyes flicked from Waddell's gun to Rei, to Genoni, then back to Waddell, who calmly tossed Gendo's revolver to Genoni.

Several sets of eyes blinked at once.

Right. Ninja. Ritsuko sighed, drawing a bead on Waddell's face with her own sidearm.

The goon took another bite of his sandwich, looking at Ritsuko's eyes instead of the weapon.

"Wait," Genoni piped up. "I've seen this before. The good guys win."

Gendo hadn't moved. He did glance at his own gun, which Genoni casually threw over his own shoulder into Clone Storage.

Waddell finished chewing. "Which side are we on?"

"Let's find out." Genoni left an after-image as he body-checked Ritsuko away from the other goon. She cursed and pointed her gun at him only to find the top half missing. She launched off of the wall and at Genoni, who met her by delivering a throw. In the time it took her to cross two meters of open floor, she saw Waddell sweep Gendo, grab Rei's hand, and take off down the corridor so fast the girl flapped behind him like a flag in a hurricane.

She rolled to her feet and ignited her lightsaber, forcing Genoni back with a series of swift strikes while she watched the Commander out of the corner of her eye.

Gendo grabbed the civilian anti-armor rifle and aimed at the fleeing pair of pilots from the ground. Waddell made a rude hand gesture as they ducked into the elevator's at the end of the corridor. The Commander cursed as he saw the action on the rifle was open. Slamming it shut, he looked up just in time to see the doors close.

Purple flames had sprouted from Genoni's skin as he danced back from the blows. He aimed a palm-blast at the commander, forcing Ritsuko to interpose herself between the two men. A loud click sounded in the corridor, and Genoni froze, staring at something over her shoulder.

Ritsuko slowly turned around, brain hanging up in the mere fact that Gendo might have been aiming _through_her.

Gendo was actually looking around for a bullet.

Genoni flipped on his aura, and pushed Gendo down the hallway. Ritsuko didn't bother stopping him, and merely held the energy back with the Force.

Gendo got to his feet and punched the up button to the elevator.

Ritsuko sighed. She had really expected better of the Commander, but Waddell could manhandle him with ease, so she faced the only other problem before her. Even if Genoni wanted to square things away with her, some answers were owed her... plus a pound of flesh for that cheap shot. She settled into a stance before the goon, who smirked at her as his aura shrank down to surround him. It crackled threateningly, turning a deep purple that pulsed and writhed with cold hatred. "Wow, who would've guessed? I'm a good guy. So Ikari, do you think we are at all close to Hell? How close would you guess? Halfway? We haven't much further to go."

Ritsuko spread her arms to block the goon. "I'm right here, Genoni."

He barely glanced at her, snarling. "Out. Of. The. Way."

"Leave him to the ninja."

Genoni blinked. "Jared?" He shook his head. "Very funny. Now move."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's high time you start learning to deal with not getting what you want."

"BITCH!" His aura flared again, his voice warbling between something human and something not. "Why does NO-ONE lisTEN to Me?! BaD thINgs HAPpen when NO-ONE LIStens To mE!"

She couldn't tell who moved first, but in the next instant they were lunging at one another, and then something dark grabbed her by the neck. Not dark like color, but like a hole in existence itself. An un-thing. Darkness with a capital D. Her lightsaber was torn from her hands as the Dark spread all over her body almost faster than she could follow.

She didn't even have time to think of calling out before a fist of shadow wrapped around her brain.

* * *

Many floors above and a long ways away, Jared and Rei stumbled into a familiar hallway in the infirmary. Rei's face demonstrated her surprise. "waddell-san, i did not realize one could get to this level through that route. we should have arrived in garage c."

"I think we lost him. Now, where are we?"

"the infirmary."

"Right. I mean, of course, I meant to wind up... here. I am a navigational genius!" Retching sounds came from a wash station nearby. "Ah, my comrades!" Jared turned to walk away from the washing area; Rei grabbed him by the elbow and guided him towards the sounds of the other pilots being sick, shaking her head.

"There you are!" Pause to be ignored. "Asuka, stop scrubbing, dear, you weren't holding Andy for that long. Shinji, less vomiting, more standing." Pause again; ignored again. "Hey! Look who I found!" Gesture to Rei with a flourish and a bow.

More ignoring.

"we are going to ask kaji-san to take us to ice cream."

Asuka looked up. "Kaji?"

Shinji's head came out of the sink. "Ice cream?"

Jared placed a hand on Asuka's breast in amazement. "It speaks!"

One Hammerspace attack later, the goon was prying his head out of the far wall. "Ouch. Stay here while I see if Andy can't change back."

"change back from what?" The fresh clone asked.

"Andy-sensei turned into a Super Chibijin!" Shinji said before Jared could provide the answer.

Rei blinked slowly, her brain rebooting.

Jared took in the new girl's expression, nodding solemnly. "My thoughts exactly. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Jared found the room he was looking for on the fifteenth try. After gathering a few phone numbers and getting slapped by six nurses, he opened the right door with way too much enthusiasm. Specifically, slamming it against the wall hard enough to make it scream uncle. "Andy?"

Somebody behind the door spoke. "Paaaaaiiiiinnn..."

Jared looked around the door at the Super Chibijin embedded in the wall. "Damn! Still cute. Well, at least you're not PuuChuu."

Andy pulled himself out of the wall and shook off the drywall dust. "Amen, brotha! So, who's dead, where's my gun, and why do you get to wear a trench coat?"

"Because I'm that much of a bad-ass. That and John was too busy fighting for his life and freedom in Terminal Dogma to take it away from me again." Jared's expression froze like a skipping CD. Clearly, something had kicked his brain into gear. Rusty from disuse, the gears ground haltingly into motion. "Hmm... Umm... Hrm..." He snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, Rei's alive."

"A situation I'll rectify soon enough." Andy cutely vowed.

"I've read the reports dude. You're as strong as one normal man. That's god-like for Chibi, but face it, Shinji could kick your ass right now."

The cute temper tantrum made a passing nurse squeal. Jared had to administer mouth-to-mouth to bring the poor girl to her senses. After the Pervert picked himself up from the Righteous Fury Punch, he flicked Andy in the forehead. "Dude, quit making a scene."

"THEN YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

Jared attempted to lecture the tiny goon. "You seem to have this powerful cute aura that affects those around you. I'm not bringing you to ice cream unless you change back."

"Don't you think I've tried?! I keep powering up, but nothing happens!"

"Dude, this is your powered up form! You have to power down to change back!"

Andy's expression changed to adorably confused. "Power... down? I know these words, yet... they do not belong together, not even a gross oxymoron could account for this combination! It's impossible I tell you! NEVER!"

The Super Chibijin engaged his Tokyo Shuffle, dashed into the hallway, and was promptly scooped up by Rei. "kawaii."

Preciously not-amused, "Waddell. This 'powering down' you speak of."

"It's, uh... like an inverse power up."

The Chibijin nodded, then shook his head. "Ahhh... You lost me."

"Well... power against the usual way you do."

"That's not possible."

Jared sighed, then slapped a passing nurse on the backside. Without missing a beat, the woman spun in place and ducked Jared for a deep kiss. When the goon came up for air, he shouted, "Eureka!"

"No, no streaking, Waddell." Andy warned.

Jared made a face like he was considering disobeying that order, gave the nurse another kiss, then gave Andy a wink and spoke four words that made the Eva pilots quiver with fear. "I have an idea."

* * *

Misato left Central Dogma feeling like she had lost her grip on reality. Civilians were dead due to an explosion with an unexplained cause. An investigation she would have no part in was already over. The entire incident was swept neatly under the rug even as a cloud of foul dust hung ominously over the city. Ayanami and Genoni were missing and presumed dead. Sensors on several lower levels had shut down. Mucha and Waddell had dodged internal security to escape with the other pilots; the whole group had made it leisurely to the surface and was being watched by security at a local ice cream parlor.

Ice cream sounded real good right about now.

She wanted to stalk up to the Commander and wrap her hands around his neck until he gave an answer to explain his suspicious behavior, Ritsuko's suspicious behavior, and the general suspiciousness of the whole situation. Hell, she was so desperate she actually stooped to asking Kaji for information. Her frustration had not been helped in the least by that sleaze.

Any minute now, and she'd take out her frustration on the walls. "What the hell is going on here?!"

"Just moppin' the floors, ma'am. Mind your step."

Misato blinked, realizing a janitor was passing her slowly, working at removing a near-invisible amount of dirt from the floor.

"WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?!"

"Down by Garage G, ma'am."

Ice cream it was, then.

"Oh, thanks." Misato walked to the end of the hallway and card-swiped the doors. A quick drive, that's what she needed; and her feet agreed. Perfect. They'd lost a dozen city blocks all ready, her sticking around here wasn't going to prevent them from losing any more. In her car, she made a mental note to see if Genoni had made any progress on her new ride before getting vaporized, then shook her head. "I need ice cream."

* * *

The Dark receded, and Ritsuko felt something solid under foot. She collapsed onto a wooden floor of some kind, shivering. "If you EVER do that again, I will kill you, then myself. Others may die also..." She shivered.

The thing wearing John's skin spoke, and its voice came from every direction, rattling through the air like the bones of the dead. "You're babbling, Ritsuko."

She gulped and looked up. Terminal Dogma stared back at her. LCL lake, automated battleships-that would be the deck she knelt on-and a huge being pinned to a cross. "Why are we here, Genoni?"

"I apologize for for the cold. It is an unavoidable side effect. Fire?"

"What?"

"To warm you." Without waiting for an answer, he pointed a palm at a nearby turret, quickly rendering it a broken mass of metal and flame.

Her brain kicked abruptly back into gear. "That's-that's coming out of your paycheck!"

"Welcome back. Come to terms with that fear, yet?" Prompting, "Fear of me?"

She scoffed. "Of you? Never."

"Liar. I feed off more than just forms of energy, Doctor. And right now I could make a grand meal out of you." He floated a few feet away from her, and looked at the cross.

"If you're going to kill me, then just do it. It's obvious foreplay isn't your strong suit, Genoni."

He ignored her. "To answer your earlier question, we are here to stop this useless war with the Angels. The Angels are after this being here." He gestured towards the cross. "And we are going to destroy it."

"Even assuming that was possible, why?"

"Oh, it's very possible. Andy and Jared have no less than seven different plans with success rates of over ninety percent. I could do it right now. Of course, the significance is what matters here. And the significance of one of us destroying it is rather different than what the old men have planned. They believe the death of Lilith must be a carefully choreographed event."

Ritsuko scoffed. "Lilith? That's Adam!"

"No, Akagi. Adam is on the move to leave Japan right now. You, of all people, realize the... significance. Of course, you knew this all along."

Ritsuko actually wasted a minute wracking her brain for any hint that he was telling the truth. None was found, but then she would have never guessed Gendo would have put a hole in her just to get John out of his way. She had assumed it was the heat of the moment, but Gendo didn't live in the heat of the moment. Ever. Did that make it possible Genoni was telling the truth? Proof. She needed proof. "What fantasy world are you living in?"

"Don't try to placate me with lies, doctor."

"Lies? How can you tell that's Lillith and not Adam!"

"Asks the mortal. Do you really think Gendo would go through all of this trouble just to thumb his nose at a couple of old men? What does Ikari desire?"

"To defeat the Angels."

"He's obsessed with the Evangelions. He tried to hold conversations with Unit-01 for years."

Ritsuko hoped that the shock that rattled her to her core did not register on her face. Footage of that did not even exist.

"We both know why."

"You aren't God."

"Of course not. I have compassion, for one thing. A distinctly human trait, and one that gets us into trouble, as I'm sure you've realized." The thing gestured to the being on the cross with the slimy flourish of an elevator salesman closing a deal with Satan. "See how she suffers? Doesn't it make you want to reach out and caress her, let her know everything will be alright?" He made lifting gesture towards the Doctor.

A gentle, but powerful Force began to tug at her. Ritsuko was trying to hold onto the deck. "No."

"No? I suppose it would be out of character for us villains to comfort others."

"We're just trying to survive. You're just trying to survive."

"We are bound for Hell, Akagi. All on the long road home. But some of us... some of us do not wish to walk quietly back to that garden. No, we're going to scream in defiance. We're going to plot and scheme and fight if victory requires our last drop of blood and final breath to attain. Oh, here's a great idea! We kill all of humanity at once, and bet on God just shipping humanity in bulk right up to Heaven. There's success right there! Wouldn't that be great?"

She didn't meet his eyes. That proved to be a mistake when he grabbed her by the lapels of her lab coat and shook her.

"Do you know what happens next?"

"NO!"

"Well I do! We get to wait for a dozen millennia to pass... oh, doesn't that sound fun? And then... and THEN we get to be... the Eighteenth Angel." He dropped her, and begin slowly floating around her, musing aloud. "I wonder what we'll look like. Where the next step in evolution will take us. And a grand Us; no sense of self, or direction. Us would not think or reason in a way we understand now. Of course, there will be one exception. Someone has to be in charge. Someone has to think their more fucking important than every other human on this planet. SOMEone has to be CRAZY enough to think they're going to GET AWAY from me. And you know, he might. If you don't wake the fuck up and quit trying to stab me in the back!"

Ritsuko leaned back at the outburst. She didn't agree what his scenario, but the mere thought of it was making her stomach slowly curl into knots. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about murdering Angels, sacrificing Rei, and giving control of our fates to some scorned cyborg! Isn't that fun for the whole family?"

"No."

"Of course, there's the alternative. We can let Gendo resurrect a few dozen people of his choosing, take the reins away from the Council of Fools. But even that's doomed. How many people that he relies on hate his guts! He doesn't care for you any more than he cares for the pencils sitting on his desk! You continue down the path you're on, and he'll gun you down in cold blood. That's your future! You fought me to a standstill just to carry out a tiny part of his idiot plans, and you still think you're somehow in the right."

"Gendo is not trying to kill us!"

"No, but he will kill us if we get in his way."

Ritsuko shook her head. "You're not even making sense."

The thing rounded on her, grabbing her by the coat again before she could even flinch, and hauled her up off the deck. "Sense? I'm not making sense? Do you know why this place is called Terminal Dogma?"

"Because this is where you beliefs end."

The thing shook Genoni's head. "Because this is where your beliefs will get you killed." He didn't speak again until they were hovering a dozen feet away from the face of being called Lillith. Or Adam. "It's time doctor. Time to say hello to the Angel!"

"What? NO! STOP!"

"Why?"

Because... "Because I don't want to die right now!"

"Neither do I. Now tell me again, why are we enemies?"

Ritsuko sighed. Her breath hitched. Minutes ago, Gendo had pointed that gun at her. At her back. Pulled the trigger.

She closed her eyes.

Something wet ran down her cheeks.

"Well, doctor? Do you want me to touch it?"

Her eyes shot open. "NO! Don't!"

"So you, then?" He made as if to throw her in.

"STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! I AM SICK OF-" Her throat hurt, choking back the words.

"Go on, Ritsuko. What's got you so strung out?"

She snarled and glared at him. "I want this war over, just like everyone else. I decided to follow Gendo because I-" She swallowed. "I had my reasons. I won't 'switch sides' like you want me to. But I... I'm done just following him blindly. I want to do the right thing."

"Defying me and appeasing me in the same proclamation? I honestly thought better of you."

She'd bared her soul to him. With nothing else to hide, "It's the truth."

The thing considered her, then smiled. "There, that wasn't so hard, now was it?"

"Fuck you."

"Got your spark back already."

She didn't reply as the thing swiftly dropped altitude and quickly landed on the battleship with the burning turret, setting her gently on her feet.

"You can't be human, you know."

"I know."

"Nothing absorbs energy like that without storing it somewhere."

"Indeed."

"Yami-jin. You're a Yami-jin."

"Don't you mean Super Yamijin?"

She frowned. "Don't flatter yourself."

He lifted an arm to wipe at the cold tear streaks on her cheeks, then paused. The purple flames winked out. "I might be a bastard to the core, but only sometimes do I have to be a super bastard." He wiped her cheeks clean. "We clear on that?"

She tried to tell herself she wasn't relieved beyond measure that John was back to his normal... well, he and his friends had never fit the definition of 'normal,' but at least he was back to himself. She also tried to tell herself that she wasn't betraying her boss and lover-and obsession, she could admit that-but that was way too much effort. Assuming Gendo wanted to be one of the 'good guys' she'd have no objection to his help, but she was through being his lapdog. All in all, she felt completely terrified at the turn her life that just taken, relieved that she wasn't dead or worse, and annoyed that she still felt out of control like some lovesick schoolgirl. None of that stopped her from giving John a bone-crushing hug that knocked both of them off balance.

* * *

Outside of 'Hiroshi-ojisan no LICKS,' a popular ice cream shop for NERV patrons due to its generous discount and mind boggling selection of flavors, open 24 hours because dammit, sometimes it takes that long to single out a flavor!

Ahem.

The goons and the Children occupied a large table in the patio area, and were just getting started on their first round of Uncle Hiroshi's sweet delights. Kaji had been coerced into paying the tab when he'd 'run into' them, but no-one bought the story that their meeting was pure accident. His doomsaying sign was propped up against an unused chair. All was well until ears started twitching and the familiar sound of screaming pedestrians alerted the group that Misato was in the area.

The agile blue sports car cornered the block and made a last-nanosecond turn into the parking lot, sliding sideways into an available space. Misato slid out and didn't bother removing her sunglasses or driving gloves as she walked right past the group and into the store.

Jared looked up from his ice cream. "Three... Two... One..."

The Major burst out of the door. "OHMYGOD!REI!YOU'REALIVE!"

Save for Waddell, everyone was quiet for a moment while they swallowed their ice cream.

"hai," said Rei.

"But... your apartment... and a large section of downtown blew up. By the gods, I need to pay more attention to those security reports."

The Americans at the table responded by reflex. "We didn't do it."

Misato glared at them. "Of course not, you don't have four hundred pounds of C-4 and a detonator array. Or you'd have to surrender them to your superior officer right this second."

Waddell politely wiped at the drool dripping from Andy's mouth. "Of course we don't. That would be silly."

"That would level ten city blocks!"

"If you'd been following the conversation, Asuka, that's exactly what happened." Misato looked at the albino again. "We had thought, Rei..."

"someone destroyed my apartment?"

Misato glanced around to see if anyone was putting her on. "Um... There's a crater visible from the flight path of most major airlines."

"noooooo! my porn collection!"

The group took a collective blink as Rei made several marks in a worn notepad, then licked her ice cream suggestively. "i am having fun eating ice cream. wai."

Misato pulled off her sunglasses, checked the lenses, then put them away. "Rei, your Mini-MAGI..."

"i had left my mini-magi in my apartment at the request of genoni-oni-sensei."

"I suppose he took his off too?"

"i believe so, major."

"Oh... I'm, uh, going to order. No-one go anywhere." She pointed at Kaji. "You especially."

The man gave a lazy salute. "Yes ma'am!"

Misato returned in seconds, and took the seat Kaji offered.

"Genoni's off our tracking too. Is he..."

Jared beat Rei to answering. "Oh, John's fine."

"waddell-san defended him against Ikari-san with a very large rifle and a cheese sandwich."

Confused looks mixed in with pointed glares were fired at Jared.

"What? Gendo was aiming for Rei."

"Aiming?" Misato asked as her ice cream was delivered.

"Old revolver." Jared supplied.

Kaji looked as his ice cream, clearly suspicious of his ice cream harboring psychoactive compounds. "The Commander of NERV was trying to kill an Evangelion pilot in cold blood?"

"Oh, he didn't get far." Jared waved off the comment.

Misato could hear her desk groaning in anticipation of the mountain of paperwork about to be dropped upon it. "Where was John involved in this?"

Jared looked like he was trying very hard not to spill the beans. "Oh, he was... around. He was fighting Ritsuko last I saw. Turned into something dark and evil. He's probably tooling around Terminal Dogma as an unstoppable force by now." The goon looked satisfied that his answer didn't reveal anything important, and he went back to happily licking his double chocolate fudge.

The rest of the table struggled to come to grips with their imminent demise.

Shinji looked at his cone. "You know... If I knew this was going to be my last meal, I'd have ordered the Baseball Blue Ribbon instead of the Cookie Dough."

"Hiroshi-ojisan! More ice cream!" Misato shouted.

* * *

Ritsuko reluctantly released John when he started turning blue. After taking a minute to catch their collective breaths, Ritsuko rubbed her arms. "I could really use a warm blanket and a cup of hot tea right now."

John looked around, then rubbed the back of his head while chuckling nervously. "Huh. I kinda forgot that these battleships are all automated. Don't think they'd have any supplies on board."

"They'll shoot at us if we try to leave, too." Ritsuko added.

"Oh. How did I keep them from doing that a minute ago?"

The doctor blinked. "I suspect your Super Yamijin form was able to use its energy manipulation ability to jam the tracking systems."

"Interesting. Well, I'm out of theories to test anyway. Just take my hand, and I can teleport us back into the base proper. Or do you want to go home?"

"Do you know where I live?"

"I remember what the inside looks like, but I've never..." John sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "No. The answer I was thinking of was 'no.' How does your office sound?"

She considered the offered hand for a few seconds before taking it. "It sounds fine."

* * *

The next round of ice cream had arrived when a motorcycle drove up on the sidewalk and came to stop next to the table with the NERV crew. The rider-clad in red leather-looked at Jared. With the visor down, the rider could been a clever robot, but Jared appeared to recognize the figure instantly. Something to do with the way he stared at its chest.

"Oh, almost forgot." He handed his ice cream to Kaji, then jumped on the back of the bike.

The rider pointed at its own helmet. Jared got the hint and pulled a spare one from the back of the bike, quickly fastening it to his own head. "Well crew, I'll see you all in the morning!"

The motorcycle zoomed off in a cloud of spent hydrocarbons.

"Does that kid actually do any work at NERV, or does he just chase tail all day?" Kaji asked.

His answer was a light bop on the head from Misato.

After the Major finished her second cone, she dialed Ritsuko on her Mini-MAGI.

Ritsuko was in her office all of thirty seconds, just watching the door close behind John, when Misato's call rang on her Mini-MAGI. She didn't feel up to answering, but did anyway. "Yes?"

"I see you're back in your office. Is Genoni around?"

"He just left."

"He's not off to destroy the world or anything, is he?"

"No."

"Is anyone else?"

"No."

"Well, what happened? Is the world going to end in the next five minutes?"

"Where are Jared and Andy?"

"Andy's right here. Jared just ran off with some biker chick."

Ritsuko blinked. "See? Everything's perfectly fine."

"We need a night out."

"Misato, I'm trying to get out of the office. I need to go."

"I'll call you with plans!"

"Good bye."

* * *

An hour later, Jared hummed a nameless tune, laying underneath a blue minivan. He stopped when he felt John arrive via Instant Transmission.

John looked around and asked aloud, "Where are we now?"

"A garage, more near Old Tokyo than anywhere else," Jared answered.

"Ah... You have no idea where this building is actually located, do you?"

The Pervert wheeled himself out from under the vehicle. "Like it matters? And speaking of matters, isn't Akagi supposed to have gutted you like a fish by now? And speaking of the 'good' doctor, where is she?"

"She's agile for someone of her age and occupation. I dropped her off in her office, took care of a few things at our apartment, then used the Instant Transmission to get here because I needed to talk to you." John pointed at the minivan, though the entire garage held only the minivan and lots of equipment. "What the hell is this?"

"Oh, I just got here. And this... is Misato's new car!"

"Oh." John blinked. "And you've been working on this since..."

"I started a few weeks ago."

"Okay. But why a minivan?"

Jared's face assumed its natural state-utter confusion with a side of brain damage. "Uh... it sounded like a good idea at the time?"

"Why do I ever let you near anything mechanical?"

"As I recall, the first time... you were having problems with that chainsaw."

Both shared a disgusted shudder. John moved on to a different subject. "I'd rather not remember that incident, if you don't mind. So, what have you broken so far?"

"Lots of stuff, but that's not important right now. You want the four-eleven on this thing?"

"Keep the engineering gibberish out of your explanation and I'll promise to try and make sense of your deranged ramblings."

"You wound me!"

"You love saying that, don't you? Like Andy and his damn Highlander and Dragonball Z lines..."

Jared grunted, then flipped off John. "I ignore you now."

Ignoring the rude gesture, John gave the... minivan? A few more close looks. The vehicle did indeed have the features of a minivan, but rode very high, like a four wheel drive vehicle. Heavy duty suspension graced the bottom, and unusual panels were placed strategically around the vehicle, giving it the impression of a military vehicle lightly modified to roll around with civilian traffic like a vicious predator.

"What did Misato do to deserve this?"

Jared looked up from his search of the toolbox. "What the hell is wrong with you? I show you the most advanced road transportation and protection device ever devised, custom-built for the coolest babe in this universe, and you gotta give me lip!"

"You gave her a minivan!"

"This is no ordinary minivan! This is..." The NERV Philharmonic Orchestra offered a bit of 'O Fortuna' for dramatic effect. Jared threw his hands to the sky like a mad scientist. "THE MINIVAN FROM HELL!"

"Oookay. So, what's it good for?"

"Pretty much everything up to and including the apocalypse. Trick tires, weapons system, satellite support, radar and visual scanning systems, fully armored body, on-board assault, hazmat, and biohazard kits, two thousand watt stereo system, NERV standard comm system with hardened electronics, and a fusion drive."

"Sweet. When do you plan on giving it to the Major?"

"There's a few rounds of debugging left... and someone installed one of the electronically controlled torque-splitting differentials wrong... a day? Maybe two?"

"Fine."

"To tell the truth, I'm kind of insulted; this thing accelerates better than my ride, but it weighs as much as a full-sized American pickup."

"That's bad? It would sure be hard to push off the road if it's that heavy."

"Yeah, that's it. Well, my car wasn't tuned for drag racing. And this sucker was designed to be a monster."

"You did say it was from Hell."

Jared shrugged, plucked a few wrenches from the toolbox, and slid back under the minivan.

"Fusion drive?"

"I plead ignorance. You're the one with S2 unit in your car. I just wanted it so I could make this thing fly."

"Misato. Flying." John sighed and mumbled something about 'that crazy Major' and 'headaches laid at our doorstep' before thinking to ask, "How much did building this tribute cost you?"

"Me? Not a dime. But NERV's Budget took a hit on it... More like leapt on a pound of C-4, really."

"All this while the Evas are being retrofitted, Andy's redesigning Unit-04, Unit-06 is just being completed, and several chunks of Tokyo-3 are being rebuilt from scratch?"

"Maybe? What am I, the financial division's backup?"

After an immense sigh. "We'll talk later. Right now, I need a shower and a nap." John pressed two fingers to his forehead and teleported away.

"Good thing he didn't ask how I knew how this thing performs... he must really be tired."

* * *

To be Continued...


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: P-A-R-T-Y! / Aftermath I

* * *

Rei sat on Misato's couch like a very normal person and listened to the Major explain herself needlessly. "Rei, the three of us have decided to let you stay here until NERV arranges an apartment for you. We're requesting it in this building, after what... you know, happened to your last home. We have more security resources here." Left unsaid was the very real possibility of the goons surviving another blast and working out their resulting feelings on whoever arranged for the bomb. "I know Jared has practically no interest in you-thank god-and Andy said he was 'training' you, and John looks out for you... so, you'll be here for tonight, okay?"

Except for coming dangerously close to smiling when John's name came up, Rei didn't move or even acknowledge the Major until she finished talking. "hai."

"Unfortunately, Asuka's hospitality ends about here. I'm really sorry about this, but you'll have to sleep on the couch tonight."

"it is no problem, major katsuragi."

Done with her explanation, Misato smiled. "Oh you don't have to be so formal when we're off duty! Call me Misato!"

"hai, misato-san."

The Major smiled and gave Rei a thumbs up. "Close enough!"

"have you heard from genoni-sensei yet?"

"Not a word. Of course it's just like him to disappear and just-" Misato didn't even flinch as John completed his Instant Transmission next to the couch. "Speak. Of. The. Devil. How are you feeling, Genoni?"

"Stronger every minute. Do pardon the intrusion, I was looking for Ayanami-chan."

"May I ask why?"

"I feel she'll be safer in my room given my security features. I don't trust NERV security right now and they already refer to our apartment as the 'Dragon's Den.' So if it was an inside job as I suspect, they'll be less likely to try something."

"Thanks for the exposition," Misato deadpanned.

"What exposition?" John asked no-one in particular.

Misato coughed. "Anyway, why not here?"

"Why not your bed?"

"I... kind of need it tonight."

"Whereas I am perfectly willing to give Rei my bed and sleep on my couch for a few days until something else can be arranged." John gave Rei an apologetic smile. "I do apologize for talking about you as if you're not here, Rei-chan."

"it is about my well-being, is it not?"

"Indeed it is. And I think, it really comes down to your decision on where you'd feel safest tonight."

"Genoni-san, may I have a word with you outside? Er, while Ayanami-chan makes her decision."

John shrugged and the pair left through the apartment's front door. With the door closed behind him, Misato rounded on John, using that strange ability that Japanese women have that makes them seem taller than the person they're yelling at.

"Just what the hell is going on?"

"Uhhh..."

"I haven't seen Rei that lively since she last talked with the Commander before Shinji showed up!"

"Well..."

Misato seized the collar of John's polo shirt. "Where is your Mini-MAGI?"

"Probably gone. I had left it at Rei's apartment before it blew up."

"And what was it doing there, you pedophile!?"

John frowned. "We were getting hers, she'd left it at her place. Then her apartment building exploded and threw me across town."

"Why do you get to survive an explosion that killed over fifty others?! What are you?! WHO ARE YOU?!"

The front door to apartment 725 opened and an older man in a suit leaned out. "Could you two stop shouting?"

John looked at the interruption, and a light bulb may as well have lit up above his head. He made a gesture at the man. "We weren't shouting."

"You weren't shouting."

"You're going to move out and rethink your life."

The man nodded as if he had finally grasped the meaning of a difficult concept. "I think it's high time I got out of this crazy town."

Misato let go of John to stare.

"He was always complaining about living next to Eva pilots and the liability their presence entails. By tomorrow morning he will be gone of his own free will, and Rei will have a place to stay where NERV's Tactical Commander can keep an eye on her. Make the lives of her security detail simpler and save the company money too."

"I have a problem with your definition of 'free will'."

"It's all the same to Mister Whoever. Like I said, he didn't really want to live here anyway, I just had a brief but very convincing conversation with him, that's all."

The Major sighed. "This is all just... too tidy."

"You say that like you've had this problem before."

"Only between you and me."

John filed that one away for later, when there was more alcohol than blood in her veins. The pair went back into Misato's apartment.

"Next lesson, Rei. A solution will always present itself, you just have to look for it. Case in point-"

Misato joined in. "Howdy, Neighbor!"

"wai."

* * *

Ritsuko had slain a forest of paperwork dealing with Rei's 'assassination' and subsequent 'resurrection,' the Control Core to Unit-06 and about a hundred other things; proving that the goons could cause more trouble in one day than most nations could cause in a decade. She'd come home and spent most of the night cleaning her apartment.

Feeling like a hundred year old rug and twice as threadbare, operating on exactly zero sleep, she had little memory of how she made it through her shift the next day. She was off at something like two in the afternoon, and fell asleep in her office only to dream about finishing paperwork from Wednesday. After a brief nap, she dragged herself home, dropped into a bath, and contemplated either a few bottles of sake or a very messy suicide. Maybe she could do both. Famed NERV researcher dies of alcohol poisoning; dead Americans who may have never existed in the first place suspected.

Alas, giving up wasn't her style.

Neither was changing sides.

She frowned. The goons may have messed with the Force and Fate itself, but despite their actions, they weren't evil. She'd followed Gendo's plans due to her emotions and because the Force told her there was no more palatable option. She hadn't changed her mind so much as found the goons walking down a path with less death and horror, if not a lot more property destruction.

The phone rang.

"Let the machine get it." Ritsuko said to the empty room.

The answering message, beep, and caller's voice sounded throughout the small apartment. "This had better be important or I'll personally hunt you down and gut you like a fish." Beep.

"Anno... I thought you were going to change that message. Anyway! I know you're there and you can hear this! I just thought you'd like to know that we may have found a place for Rei to stay. In the meantime, I think she'll be safe where she chose to spend the next few nights, but I can't talk about it over the phone, of course."

Of course she couldn't, as the goons had just wedged SEELE between them and NERV, and set the Commander against them by holding his most precious cargo hostage. Of course where Rei slept tonight was a big, big secret...

Like she cared.

"Anyway, the real reason I called was because I know you have tomorrow off and then we have that conference on Saturday. But tonight I was hoping you would join me and a few others for some drinks and night life. Feel free to invite other people along with you; the more the merrier, as they say. Just meet me at The Fourth Impact Pub around nine-ish and we'll see where we end up, okay? Are you paying attention?"

Ritsuko sighed. "Oh, grow up, Mis-chan. We're not in college anymore."

Misato continued over the phone's speaker, right up until it cut her off with a severe beep. "That's the Fourth Impact Pub at nine-o'clock and wear something different for a change-"

Ritsuko eyed the bottle on the floor, and called out to the rest of the apartment. "Find something for me to wear tonight, we're going out."

Maya answered from the next room. "Wai!"

* * *

Asuka came out of her room to see the Maniac on the couch with Shinji. They were intensely debating the merits of an ancient video game that was paused on the TV. In the kitchen she found Misato arguing with the Pervert and the Worm. All three had an open beer in hand.

"Of course they'll be okay," Misato was saying.

"Good enough for me," the Pervert replied.

"Hold on a minute," the Psycho argued. "An attempt was made on Rei's life... yesterday. Now we're going on a pub crawl?"

The Pervert raised his beer. "PUB CRAWL!"

"Shut up. I don't really trust NERV security all that much right now."

"Relax, we've got half of NERV on the run from us." The Pervert threw a friendly arm around his compatriot, who shrugged out of the hold. The Pervert shrugged likewise, and put his arm over Misato's shoulders with a lopsided grin.

"This is why I don't like it when you drink," the Psycho added. "You get all touchy-feely." Cue full-body shudder.

Waddell nodded, then glanced at Misato. "He needs to get laid."

"Agreed," Misato said with a smile.

"You're chasing skirts when you should be sawing logs. Look at the baggage under your eyes and tell me that getting laid is a good thing." The Psycho needled back.

"You have me all wrong, John." The Pervert pointed at his eyes. "I earned my Engineer's Rounds. And for the record, I merely provide a service to the fine... fine women of this great city. I do not-as you put it-chase skirts."

"Engineer's Rounds?"

"You train in Statics 201 until you can do three variable solutions in your sleep. These are a mark of that training."

Genoni rolled his eyes. "Training."

The other goon waggled his eyebrows at the Major. "My dance card has an opening this evening, babe."

Removing the arm from her shoulders, "Mine doesn't. Well, Asuka, what's up?"

"Just wondering if Hyuga is here."

Misato checked her Mini-MAGI. "Fifteen minutes. So, Asuka, do you feel safe here?"

"Besides living in constant fear of the entire apartment complex going up in a giant ball of fire? I guess so."

"That was a single AC unit, and it happened ONE TIME!" The Maniac added from the couch.

"Who's talking about the AC, dumpkof?"

"If things really hit the fan, our door has your prints coded into the lock, and there's a Mossberg 590 in the 'fridge."

Asuka couldn't fight off the impulse to gape at the Pervert. "You keep a shotgun in your refrigerator?"

"Andy keeps a shotgun in our refrigerator," the Psycho corrected.

"That reminds me, we're out of milk!" The Maniac shouted.

"He calls it Matilda."

"That's private, Waddell!"

The Pervert stage-whispered to her. "I caught him standing in the kitchen, refrigerator door open, just carressing the trigger guard and muttering its name."

"So... you're saying you hid in the kitchen in the middle of the night and waited for him?"

"I deny all knowledge of that event."

"Rei's next door as well," the Psycho added.

"Wondergirl? As my bodyguard?" Asuka scoffed. That'd be the day.

"Seriously, though." The Psycho said, carefully weighing and stressing his words. "NERV security and the old men are licking their wounds. Between my... exit, and the mess with the Yakuza... I think the most we'd have to worry about would be some neighbors with the cops on speed dial, but that... should be less of a problem now."

The Pervert blinked. "Something happen to whats-his-name, that annoying guy in 725?"

"He finally decided to move out," Misato said.

"Damn it! I had a sweet practical joke all arranged for him. Hell, the blow gun just showed up yesterday..."

Before anyone could quite grasp what was happening, Waddell pulled out a small blow gun, raised it to his lips, and... Thwimp!

"Ow!"

Misato was on her feet in the next instant. "Shinji!"

An empty beer can bounced off the back of Waddell's head. He turned around just in time to catch a full can in the face, and went down without a whimper.

Asuka was already at Shinji's side. "Shinji, are you okay?"

"Yeah, just some kind of..." The boy reached for the tiny dart sticking out of the back of his neck. Asuka beat him to it, pulling it out and showing it to him.

She answered his look before he could form the words. "Waddell."

"What was that for?!" Misato shouted.

Waddell was unsteady on his feet, beer can-shaped red mark on his face. He peered down the barrel of his blowgun. "I didn't think it was loaded..."

Genoni yanked the weapon out of his hands and snapped it in two.

"Hey! I spent twenty yen on that thing!"

Shinji was looking very pale. "I think I'm going to puke," he supplied. Asuka realized suddenly that she was holding on his hand.

"Poisoned?" Misato asked, glaring at the goon while putting her hand to Shinji's forehead.

"Its just a sleeping agent. He'll have a hell of a hangover, but no other ill effects."

Shinji gripped her hand tightly, then went limp. Asuka caught him and sat on the couch, supporting him. She heard the sounds of a brief fight, then Genoni sailed into view, missing her by inches, and landing nimbly on his feet next to the balcony doors. He snarled at Waddell.

"Not the table!" Misato shouted, and rushed back into the kitchen.

Much arguing ensued while the Major took her own life into her hands, putting herself between an arguing Mucha and Waddell to keep her charges safe from harm.

Genoni adjusted his clothes, rotated one hand as if to make sure his wrist still functioned, and gave her and Shinji a concerned glance. "Sorry about this."

She sighed. "You idiots ruin everything."

Asking casually, "Planning to put the moves on him while we're gone?"

Asuka was not blushing. Definitely not. The air around her face just suddenly got very hot. "N-n-no."

He smiled. That smile embodied everything destable about the human race. "Don't worry, you'll get some time alone with him."

"Shut up, worm."

"Snappy comeback."

The doorbell rang to announce the arrival of Makoto, which put a stop to Genoni being a huge jerk. Asuka was left to cradle her fellow Eva pilot, wondering why the world had to be so messed up, and why one of her hands was gently stroking Shinji's hair.

* * *

Friday arrived as it had since time immemorial, with the rising of the sun.

John's eyes snapped open in panic. There were penguins all over him! Everywhere! His world was a terrifying landscape of black, white and pain!

Then he closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. That was just the hangover and nightmare talking-no, make that shouting. Screaming.

He vowed to never again go bar-hopping with Misato, then vowed to get to some aspirin.

A second later, the bed he was laying on moved slightly as someone next to him jerked into a sitting position, waking from a nightmare of their own.

"NO! How dare you turn upon your master! Curse you, you wretched felines!" This was followed by panting, then a second later, "Ugh, I should know better than to go bar-hopping with Misato."

A moment passed in silence while two geniuses processed what their sensory systems were reporting. Facial skin turned pale as heads rotated slowly until eyes met. Then the third occupant of the queen-sized bed made herself known, stretching languorously on Ritsuko's other side.

Maya.

Smiling like the cat that ate the canary. "Oh yeah! I have got to go bar-hopping with Misato more often!"

"How dare you not have a hangover." John rasped.

"How dare- How-" Ritsuko let her rage speak in silence for several long seconds before grabbing hold of her voice with both hands. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

John shrugged, taking a page directly from Waddell's playbook. "Pondering the meaning of life, wondering where my clothes are, and mentally cataloging that without clothes, your tits look much larger. When was the last time you were fitted?."

"He's right Senpai, they look so much better right now."

After blushing five shades of crimson and jerking the covers up to her neck, "Maya! Get me my clothes! NO! Get John his clothes so he can get the fuck out of here!"

While not strictly a fan, John could see the draw in this playbook. He leaned back, lacing his fingers together behind his head, and getting comfortable. "Having a hench-woman is so nice, isn't it Rit-chan?"

Maya dutifully and unabashedly retrieved the various articles of clothing strewn around the bedroom.

John watched as Ritsuko said nothing. "So... playing the cute, shy, and nervous girl, are we?"

"Only in the office." Maya set a handful of John's clothes on his chest.

Ritsuko glared at him. "John, just get dressed and get out of here."

With a sigh, John grabbed his clothes and Instant Transmitted from the bedroom. Ritsuko slipped into a pair of panties and a bathrobe.

Maya slipped into her own robe. "Coffee, Senpai?"

"Yes, please."

John's voice came from the kitchen. "Two more minutes for the coffee."

Ritsuko stormed out of the bedroom into the kitchen where John was staring into a clean but empty mug. Maya followed Ritsuko like a loyal puppy.

"I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

"This is Maya's apartment, Rit-chan, note the lack of cats." He gestured around with the mug. "You can order her to tell me... but first, I need to talk with both of you."

"It can wait. Maya?"

"Genoni-san, I'm terribly sorry but... That isn't my coffee, it smells really good!"

"Jared knows a guy with a memorable moustache in South America. Please have some, the both of you. I can only stay for one cup myself. But as I said, we need to talk."

"About last-night? I swear if you say one word of this to anyone else-"

Pouring, "Rit-chan, I'm very concerned with how this could affect our working-relationship."

"Our what?"

"We find ourselves at odds with each other, almost all the time. Things came to a head recently, and while some degree of mutual nit-picking and evil-doing is all well and good, frankly you don't know me from Adam. Wait... actually, that is pretty accurate. In any case, as much fun as it would be to hold this over your head, I think doing so is just one step too far. In conclusion, I think we should continue to recklessly hound one another. We do our best work that way." John sipped his coffee quietly while Ritsuko checked her hearing.

"Since when have you been concerned about going too far?"

"I told you, I am on the side of good."

Ritsuko looked thoughtful, then sipped her coffee. "You don't look convinced."

John shrugged. "To put this bluntly, we need some cooling off time. Besides, I've got to look after Rei. And I mean look after her responsibly, not feed her that line of crap Gendo is so fond of. I fancy her a grand apprentice, and under my tutelage..."

"How DARE you assume you're fit to be her role model."

"It's either me or Jared."

"You wouldn't!"

"You considered it?"

Maya sounded oblivious to the conversation. "We could all use a good bath. Who's going to join me?"

John and Ritsuko tried to skewer Maya with their intense gazes, but the Cuteness Effect was too much.

"I'm sorry, Maya. I can't stay here anyway." An explosion raised a cloud of dust in the distance. John took another sip and looked out of the apartment's largest window. "I have matters to attend to at the heart of this city. There is evil there... which does not sleep."

"Whatever. I didn't think running scared was part of your modus operandi, Genoni." Ritsuko said to a suddenly empty kitchen.

"Senpai?" Maya asked from the bathroom.

"Think I'm going to fall for you, Genoni?" Ritsuko whispered to herself.

* * *

Evil does sleep. It also wakes up, but it doesn't take American Express. Visa: it's everywhere you want to be evil.

Ahem.

In Tokyo-3, Jared woke up. Slowly, and remembering that John was responsible for everything that probably happened last night. Things were kind of fuzzy. "I haven't slept that well since-my God! The city... it's all upside-down! We walk upon the sky?! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? You maniacs, you blew it up! You blew it all up! ...Side down! Damn you! Damn you all to Hell! Which is above the sky!" He finished shaking his fist at the street. "Wait, I'm just hanging upside down. Whew. No need to panic."

Wearing only a necktie and a confused look, Jared bent double to untie the rope from his ankles while muttering. For the usual reasons, he didn't notice he was hanging from the top of a street light. "Another light pole, another hangover. How can the same shit happen to the same guy four times?"

Halfway to the ground, it occurred to him he should have been hanging onto the pole instead of the rope when he undid that last knot. After leaving a Jared-shaped crater in the sidewalk, the goon stumbled to his feet and started walking.

"I have found you at last, foul demon!"

Jared halted immediately and scanned the empty street, trying to figure out what sector of the city was in, and whether the situation called for an Eva. And he should probably deal with this draft on the way there... Draft? He looked down, saw his only article of clothing as an fantastic tie, then ducked into a store that appeared to sell clothing. Seconds later, he came out in a T-shirt.

"Get back here Mr. Demon, so I can kiii~illllll yoo~ouuu!"

Jared glanced up and down the street again, seeing absolutely no-one. The voice was female though. "Now see here, Miss-"

A busty woman in an eyeball-searing-green parody of a school uniform that might have contained her three cup sizes ago bounced into view as if she had just jumped off the roof of a nearby building. Some very lively springs must have made an appearance in her family tree. She took one good look at Jared and let loose an ear-splitting shriek while covering her eyes.

The goon sighed and looked down at the novelty T-shirt he had picked out. An arrow pointed up with the caption 'THE MAN' and another arrow pointed down with the caption 'THE LEGEND.' Also, there was still this annoying draft... "PANTS!" Jared shouted in realization.

The woman peeked out between her fingers for a second, squeaked, and covered her eyes again. "I'm sorry mister demon, but prepare to DIE!"

Jared dodged the sword strike with the ease of long practice. "Why me? John's supposed to get this kind of grief!" The goon watched the woman carefully, spotted an opening a gnat would get stuck in, and disarmed the woman with one arm. With his other, he caught her as she stumbled, planting a kiss on her lips that made her knees wiggle like warm jello.

Then she fainted.

"Hah! Now for some breakfast."

Jared laid the woman down on a nearby bench, and was about to depart for delicious breakfast when another commanding woman's voice yelled at him. "Halt, evil doer!"

"...What."

A burst of magical energy vaporized the car parked next to Jared. Then another female shriek sounded in the otherwise empty street. "Stop, you vile, perverted beast!"

Jared took in the bright blue uniform, giving the briefest of pauses to note that it was tight enough for him to identify two moles and a birthmark at thirty paces, and sprinted for places not filled with magical attacks. Like... that well-lit side street.

"STOP HIM!"

Not a chance.

"HALT!"

Jared skidded to a halt. The street was blocked at the far end by a statuesque blonde in a miniskirt that required two permits and a city variance to wear in public. Never mind her top showed off cleavage right down to her bellybutton. Jared drooled. "Am I dreaming this or something?" He absently leapt an obligatory attack by reflex. "Okay. OKAY!" Hands put up in a defensive position. "STOP!"

The woman paused, hands sparkling in a most threatening manner. The hottie in blue was behind him, not five meters away, charging her own magical attack.

"Girls, can we talk this over?"

"You don't have a human energy signature and you were trying to strip the life-force from Mikiru, we should just kill you now!"

"Mikiru is fine! I just stunned her! And I never have a human energy signature; I... I..." Jared saw the light. Angels sang. He pulled out The Fighter Pilot Smirk. "I pilot an Evangelion!"

The two magical girls considered this.

"You work for NERV?" The one in blue asked.

"Yes. Don't you recognize me? Oh, you guys must be new here; I would surely remember a trio of your beauty."

"Don't try to flatter us without pants, you pervert." The blue one said with disgust. "Even if you're sort-of human, you're violating local obscenity laws."

"If I had a nickel for every time... Look, I didn't have more than a few seconds to grab something when your hot friend attacked me earlier. I got really, REALLY drunk last night, I didn't have any of my own clothes apart from this fantastic tie when I woke up, and I really work for NERV. I didn't mean to cause trouble, ladies. Can we please talk this out over breakfast?"

"Pants first." The blonde insisted.

"Okay."

No one said anything for a few long seconds.

"I've... noticed you two haven't dropped your attacks."

"And we've noticed you still aren't wearing pants."

Jared sighed and walked back to the main street. His stomach growled noisily as he fetched a random pair of jeans from the clothing store with the smoking crater out front. The blue-clad magical warrior woke up Mikiru and gave her a warning look. The green-clad warrior charged up her own magical attack and trained it on Jared as he came out of the store running a hand through the unruly mop on his head. She barely kept the attack humming ominously though, and refused to look him in the eyes.

The blonde licked her lips.

"Seriously?" His stomach rumbled again.

"Yes, seriously." The one in blue said.

"Over breakfast." Jared marched into a nearby cafe, which was oddly deserted. A massive implement was in his hands in seconds, the goon reading a nameplate on the side. "Waffle Maker 8000 Ti. Plate-homing Autolauncher. Full batter storage..." He gave the three magical girls his best Bruce Cambell grin. "Perfect."

"Put that thing down!" The blue girl demanded.

"I'm hungry."

"You don't know how to work it."

Jared frowned. "Lady, I am an Engineer. It is my job to work this kind of machinery. Besides, I am an awesome cook." He threw the trio a wink.

The blonde swooned, causing the blue-clad one to stomp on her toe. "Don't fall for his... sexy sexiness."

Jared smirked, throwing a few plates onto an empty table. "Sit down, ladies."

"We'll stand, thanks."

"Pity; I wanted to look down your top."

"You're disgusting. Are you sure you're human?"

Jared shrugged and shouldered the Waffle Maker. "If we deny that which makes us human, are we any better than those monsters we fight?"

"Misquoting classical philosophy will get you nowhere." Mikiru stated.

"But a kiss..."

"Enough! Who's your boss at NERV?"

"Major Katsuragi, I guess? We report to Ikki Yamanaki though." He shrugged and aimed the Waffle Maker at the plates, totally missing the shocked looks that stole over the trio of magical girls.

Whispering passed amongst them while Jared poked cluelessly at the controls on the weapon.

"He knows Yamanaki."

"That must be the one in our briefing."

"He's way hunkier than his dossier photo."

"And he totally knows how to kiss too, my panties are so-"

"Mikuru! We have an opportunity here-"

"We can't touch him; he's off limits."

"Not in the way I want to touch him..."

"Mikuru..."

An ominous hum began in the machine's innards, prompting a raised eyebrow from all present.

"Are you absolutely sure that's safe?" The blonde asked in worry.

"Of course." Jared pulled the trigger.

There was a big explosion.

* * *

Thirty seconds later, John completed his Instant Transmission and looked around in confusion. For a second, it looked like he'd skipped across time by accident; the street could be some place in Tokyo-3, but white stuff covered everything. It fell in solid sheets from the sky. Too solid. He blinked, drew a finger through some of the stuff on a nearby street sign, and licked it.

"Whipped cream?"

"I'm making a note never to do that again. At least not without proper preparation beforehand."

John turned at the sound of Jared's voice, seeing the goon standing behind what might have been a parked car. Three women with quite astounding figures were laid over the top of whatever that thing covered in whipped cream was, each clad in brightly-colored shreds of cloth. Jared's hair was smoking, he was wearing a fantastic tie over a bare chest, and a huge chrome weapon of some kind of slung over one shoulder. He looked at the falling bits of whipped cream... and batter, John realized in a moment of dumbstruck comprehension.

"What the hell happened here?"

"We may never know." Jared lamented.

"What was happening here?" John probed.

"I had this plan..."

"Step one: blast the clothes off a bunch of unconscious hookers, yes I see that. What was part two? Kidnapping the Prime Minister of Japan?"

Jared shook his head. "No... part two... uh... Part three: PROFIT!"

"You're an idiot, and we're leaving."

Jared frowned, dropping the... thing he was holding, and stepping out from behind the... whatever.

Allowing John to see that he wasn't wearing anything besides the fantastic tie.

John frowned.

Jared looked down at himself. "This is totally NOT what it looks like! They were chasing me!"

The frown deepened.

Jared closed his eyes. "Let me rephrase that."

"FIVE MINUTES! Clothes! Can I please leave you alone for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?!"

"It's not my fa-"

"FOUR MINUTES FIFTY-SEVEN SECONDS!"

* * *

Shinji tried to roll over, felt his stomach roll over first, and froze. He didn't remember when he woke up, but he hated the very notion now and forever. Slowly, he covered his eyes against the light trying to stab him in the brain and whispered weakly, "Make the hurting stop..."

"Quiet... you'll make my head explode..."

Exactly. Wait, he didn't say that. That was Asuka's voice. Shinji's impulse to sit upright to make sure he hadn't drifted to sleep in Asuka's bed like the punchline to bad sitcom warred with the impulse to hold still and not throw up, and he held very still. Beyond the fact that he had what felt like the hangover from hell, he knew there was no way that he was on his own pillow. This one was a lot softer than what he was used too, and it smelled like Asuka.

"Where am I?" He asked quietly.

The pillow jostled a bit under him. He heard the rustle of cloth and Asuka whispered. "We're... in a car?"

More of Shinji's brain cells woke up, and this time he forced himself to sit up. He put one hand on Asuka's pillow to steady himself.

"Ow! That's my boob!"

The Third Children sat up without putting his hands anywhere. "I... I..." He fished madly for an explanation, an excuse, a coherent sentence, and realized he had nothing. "I can't remember how we got here."

Asuka looked around the car for her shirt. "I can't either."

Shinji realized his eyes were following her-he locked gazes with something that was not skin. The upholstery was familiar. "This is Jared's car, isn't it? He's going to kill us."

"What happened last night?" Asuka asked, pulling on a tight pink T-shirt, talking mostly to herself.

"It appears that we slept together." He wilted under her glare. It didn't have her usual heat, what with her looking so exhausted, but that somehow made her more frightening. Her glare gave the impression that hiding the body would be less trouble than verbal abuse. "I don't mean like that!"

"We shouldn't be stacked in here half-naked. I swear, if this is some kind of practical joke..."

"This is Jared's Chevelle; if this was a practical joke, I'm going to get the fuck out of here and prepare to defend myself."

"Agreed," Asuka said with some relief.

* * *

Elsewhere in Tokyo-3, the great God-King of Combat roused himself from the cruel visions assaulting his sleeping eyes, and only in the light of day would they be slain.

"Taste the wrath of my Lego Minions, you mellon-stealing savages!" He sat up slowly, rubbing his throbbing head. He was not the sort to engage recklessly in the consumption of alcohol, so why did his head thunder so? He rested his noble forehead on his hand for but a moment before realizing the incredible, indeniable, horrible truth.

His hand had no fingers.

Again.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Frantic, the tiny body containing the fiercest warrior the world had ever known leapt to its feet and paced along a row of steel bars set deeply into the ground and rising half a dozen meters into the air around him.

A cage.

Andrew Mucha, God-King of Combat and future God-King of the Universe, was in a cage.

Now furious instead of frantic, he searched for an opening or cleverly concealed door until a voice interrupted him. He glanced at the disturbance, noting the speaking civilian wore a blue uniform, a gentle smile, and a healthy coating of wrinkles.

"Oh, you're awake."

Time to destroy his jailers. "Who are you?! Why am I caged like this? Get your filthy paws off of me, you damn dirty ape!"

The simple employee held his inane smile. "It thinks it can talk, how kawaii!"

"Ka... kawaii? Grrr..."

* * *

After finding some clothes and stashing the Waffle Maker in a NERV safe house, Jared was ready to leave the area with John, but then the women had begun to stir, and all insisted on leaving their phone numbers with him. John drew the line at them writing said number on Jared's body, instead convincing the pervert to put them into his Mini-MAGI. The girls then left in the opposite direction of their apartment, and the duo spent a second confirming that Andy wasn't wearing his Mini-MAGI, and that it was in a lost and found box at a bar called the 'Bamboo Pole.'

Misato didn't pick up their call, and Ritsuko refused to provide help. The security detail informed them they were still on alert and had no idea where Andy had 'disappeared to' the previous night. A call to Gendo had resulted in a black monolith covered in the word 'BLOCKED.' With a few shrugs they decided to walk home in the vain hope that the fresh air encountered en route would remind them of what had happened to Andy.

The mystery of why their drunk carcasses hadn't been hauled home by Andy was most vexing. Both had been blackout drunk more than a few times in the past. Like that one time on that plane, and that one time where they wound up in China... Andy was their backup, their sober man. He sometimes videotaped their drunken shenanigans and used the footage to blackmail them, but he would never leave them for dead in the ass-end of Tokyo-3.

"Any idea where to look first?" Jared asked, picking at the ratty t-shirt he'd swiped off half of a mannequin.

"Last I remember, you were trying to juggle limes and he had his camcorder out. We weren't that drunk. And we weren't at the Bamboo Pole."

Jared scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, I kinda slipped a half-bottle of tequila into your bloody mary at that place, then we went to the Bamboo Pole."

John glared at Jared. "Well, that was stupid. So where did you leave Andy?"

"Leave?" Jared's face was illuminated by the light of a functioning brain cell. "The zoo!"

"I don't want to know what you were doing at the zoo."

"He tried to power sideways."

"Sideways? He didn't..."

"Maya wouldn't put him down."

"The zoo."

"Yes, the zoo!"

"The zoo?"

"I said that!"

"I know!"

The rest of their screaming was in incoherent Chinese.

* * *

"Despite all my rage, I'm still just a Super Chibijin in a cage..." Andy cutely lamented.

The old man tried to cheer him up. "It's going to be okay, little guy. They gave you the nicest cage in the zoo!"

The Little One cutely froze. "The zoo?!" And his rage became slightly less cute and quite a bit more homicidal. "I'll kill him! I'll gut him like fish! I'll make a bowler hat from his scalp and a cane from his genitals!"

"Whoa now, little guy."

Andy's glowing green Super Chibijin eyes fixed on the old man. "Stand back if you value your life, peasant."

* * *

"You do realize he'll try to horribly kill you now," John said when he had calmed down enough to stop yelling.

Jared waved as if brushing off the remark. "You worry too much."

"It's too early in the morning for this shit. The zoo is a public place. If Andy goes nuts or flares that damn aura of his, we're going to have a riot on our hands." He had half a mind to send in troops on a G-17 order. He really wasn't up to dealing with this and Jared.

Jared paled, then waved in greeting. "Okay, that's a-Hi Hikari."

John did a double-take, and offered a similar wave while the trio exchanged pleasantries.

"What are you doing out and about?" Jared asked.

"I'm meeting Nozumi for lunch, and I ran across the cutest thing; the zoo has a Super Chibijin on exhibit for a limited time, and the kawaii guy tried to escape. He ran right into my arms and I got to hold him and omigosh!" Hikari actually let out a squeal of joy.

John glared at Jared, who looked worried and brushed at his clothes as if trying to remove the glare.

John glared harder.

"Hah, aheh. That's cool babe. We're going to the zoo in fact." Jared let out a shaky laugh that frightened small children and worried nearby adults. It was the laugh of man about to beg for his life. "Thanks for telling us about the Super Chibijin. We'll be sure to go see him!"

John took Jared by the arm like a jailer walking an inmate to the gas chamber. He nodded at Hikari. "Nice to see you. We'll just be going."

John ushered his comrade into the zoo proper. Being a Saturday without giant angelic invaders trying to liquefy and/or vaporize humanity, the place was quite busy.

After a few minutes of looking around-and Jared nearly talking a girl that couldn't have graduated high school more than a week ago out of her skirt-they found the cage that contained a cute and super-deformed Andy.

Raging in full King Lear style to a rapt audience.

"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow! You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout till you have drenched our steeples, drowned the cocks! You sulfurous and thought-executing fires, vaunt-couriers of oak-cleaving thunderbolts, singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder, strike flat the thick rotundity o' the world! Crack nature's molds, all germens spill at once that makes ingrateful man!"

The crowd applauded politely. Andy bowed.

"Are you hungry?" John asked, clapping. "We can grab him and do breakfast. We need to figure out how to snap him out of it, and I was planning on training the kids for a bit today."

The Pervert shook his head. "I already had breast-ass..." Jared shrank under John's glare. "I mean, waffles."

"Then why did you order those soba noodles?"

"What soba noodles? Where?" Jared looked around the crowd in a panic.

"In your hand, dude."

"AAAAAAHHH!" Jared flailed, throwing the bowl of hot soba and scalding broth at John's face. The goon deflected the projectile with his ki and put Jared in a headlock.

The bowl of noodles and broth hit and innocent bystander, who ran screaming from the area.

Shadows clotted over the sun, and the two fighting goons and the one chibified one looked up to see a huge flying saucer hover slowly to a stop over Andy's cage. The end of a small tube dropped from the craft and descended towards Andy like a homing tentacle. Confused and surprised, the Super Chibijin only had enough time to shout once in surprise. "What devilry is this?!"

A sucking sound accompanied Andy disappearing up the tube, stubby limbs waving in a blur. The tube disappeared into the craft, and the saucer smoothly and soundlessly drifted away.

Jared had passed out; John aborted the headlock and slapped him in the face a few times to revive him. "This is no time to sleep, man!"

Jared shook himself. "You're, er... right. What are we doing at the zoo?"

"Andy!"

"He's not here."

"Flying saucer!"

"Not my fault."

John blinked, and took in the crowd giving them plenty of space. "NERV?"

Jared considered this. "They have the tracking systems there. We should get our Mini-MAGI too."

"Mine still hasn't been replaced."

"Sucks to be you."

John frowned, walked to a door with an 'employees only' sign and opened it. "There's an exit this way."

* * *

Makoto Hyuga looked over his shoulder to greet NERV's number two headache, right behind the Angels, John Genoni. After all, he had arrived in the customary manner; teleporting into a random open space without warning. However the figure his eyes landed on was not that of Genoni, and the greeting danced on his lips like a beached fish before he found the right name. "Waddell?"

"In the flesh," the Pervert said, motioning Hyuga to stay in his seat even though the technician had made no move to stand. "My subjects need only bow upon one knee."

"Where's your friend?"

Serious, "In this business, we have no friends."

"Oookay; where's pilot Genoni?"

"Preparing to train the Children. He should have his Mini-MAGI strapped on any second now." Waddell smirked.

"Genoni doesn't have a new Mini-MAGI assigned to him yet."

Waddell's smirk fell. "Anything on-

"There's nothing on radar, Waddell."

"...Just start cycling through the ground cameras starting at the zoo and working towards the nearest open ground."

Things were quiet, given the antics of Friday night, so Makoto indulged the American by pulling up a map of the city centered around the zoo. With a few more keystrokes, the city's parks received labels. "There's three areas relatively close to the zoo."

Waddell gave the map a critical look. "Yozengawa is along a main street. Calls about this thing would have come in by now if it followed that road. Sakura goes right by that apartment complex with the glass northern windows, and the south side faces some busy restaurants."

"I guess it's Gozonoga," Hyuga announced, pulling up the surface camera numbers and setting up a split feed to the internal screens. For a moment, he felt oddly content and pleased with himself-there was something innately satisfying about doing a job right. Then he remembered he was doing something for one of the goons.

A frown threatened to make an appearance on his face.

Waddell stared at the monitors, pointing. "There, at the north end of the street."

"That's the south end, Waddell-san." Hyuga said absently, bringing up another set of cameras for a better view. Shortly, the screens contained a clear picture of an unremarkable disc-shaped craft apparently made from metal floating several dozen feet above the small fountain at the south end of Gozonoga Park. "Now what?"

Waddell appeared to think, and when he spoke, evidence of no thought at all was put into words. "Guns. I'm going to need lots of guns."

"Typical American."

"I don't have those guns yet, Hyuga."

The NERV officer taped a few few commands into his console. "Go see the armory, there are no weapons here."

"Don't give me that, I saw the movies."

"What movies?"

The goon put palmed his forehead. "That's right... anime. So, how was babysitting last night?"

"Why the sudden change in topic, Waddell?"

"Ryoko comes on shift in five minutes."

"Ryoko who?"

"Down in the armory. She was interested; I promised I would stop by today."

"But there's a flying saucer parked in-uh, over Gozonoga Park."

"C'mon dude, I know teenagers. Must have been a wild night, right?"

Hyuga sighed. Sometimes the goons would go away if you ignored, them right? "Look, Waddell, I have work to do, and..."

"Don't tell me that they didn't get up to at least a little mischief. Andy and I didn't train those kids for nothing."

Hyuga raised an eyebrow at this; how unlike the goons to ask for more rope. "You and Andy trained the kids to make trouble?"

Waddell leaned in close and whispered in his ear. "A precise amount of desire to question authority so that when push comes to shove, they'll fight instead of fold. Worst case, they sow a little chaos in the enemy forces. Best case? Victory." He stood. "Fuck it. Maybe that Asaigo chick will be interested in a ride. Oh, directions?"

Hyuga sighed. "Directions?"

"I need directions to the armory."

"Oh, for the love of..."

* * *

"And turn left. Your other left."

Jared spun on his heel and and Hyuga's tired sigh over the Mini-MAGI's speakers meant he was finally pointed in the right direction.

"Armory's right ahead of you."

"Thank you," Jared said sincerely, and turned off the comm. The flying saucer hadn't moved. Assuming it could be shot down without dragging out an Eva, he'd solve this little problem and have Andy back to normal by lunchtime. Then the city would be a hairsbreadth from destruction.

His Mini-MAGI rang at him. Director Yamanaki. Seriously, any time he was busy, people crawled out of the woodwork to harass him. Grumbling, he answered. "Sir?"

"I understand you ran into three very strange girls this morning."

"Well endowed perhaps, but not strange... Oh, you mean the magical powers, sir? The security tapes must have been something..."

"There are no security tapes of their activities. Never have been, and as long as I'm alive, there never will be."

"Sir?"

"I may be in the infirmary, Waddell, but you are not out of my reach."

"Thank you for reminding me of that, sir."

"Don't patronize me,"

"I would never dream of it, sir."

"Waddell, you need to understand the gravity of the matters you have involved yourself in. Those three women are a valuable NERV asset, but NERV is not to know about them. If you have any interaction with them, please share it only with me."

"Okay."

"Stay away from them or they'll never find your body."

"Message received sir, I can keep those hotties a secret, no problem."

"...You're not going to lord this over me?"

Jared shrugged. "Look, I'm really busy. Flying saucer in a park... just call it professional courtesy?"

"Agreed. Thank you, Waddell."

"You're welcome." Jared killed the comm. Seriously! Where the fuck was John? Why was he stuck doing this? Aliens could be invading and all of the world wanted to stand in his way!

Jared entered the Armory, and the little black rain cloud forming over his head vanished. Whoever had decided to staff this shift in the Armory with entirely female NERV officers wearing those cute mini skirts and entirely too-tight shirts unbuttoned to their belly buttons just earned themselves a medal. He swaggered up to the counter began flirting unashamedly with the short-haired cutie behind it.

* * *

An hour later in the NERV Eva testing grounds outside Tokyo-3 found John and the Children-First through Fourth-standing next to some large bins filled with volleyballs. Down the 'range,' cardboard targets crudely shaped like various Angels stood blankly without menace.

John's speech was brief and too the point. "Andy is missing and Jared is busy... 'retrieving' him. While some of you can manage a Kamehameha in your Evas, your execution leaves a lot to be desired. So we're going to work on form outside of the Evas so you don't wreck any orphanages, churches, homeless shelters-"

"Isn't that your job?" Toji put in.

A sharp glare encouraged Suzuhara to retract his statement. "Let's skip the Q&A and get right to training, shall we?"

"What, did Andy get kidnapped by the same guys that grabbed you?" Shinji asked.

"And what's with the volleyballs?" Asuka added.

"Why does no one listen to me?" John moaned.

Shinji raised his hand, eagerly jumping in place. "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! I know this one! ...Because you're American?"

John struggled to restrain himself. "Must... Not... Kill... Main... Character..."

"Is there a point coming soon?" Toji asked.

"THE POINT! ...Is that a volleyball is roughly the same size as a standard Kamehameha Wave before firing. You're all going to practice throwing these balls like Kamehamehas until you get it right, then we move on."

"There's a dirty joke in there." Asuka frowned. The others groaned.

"That's it! Jared is forbidden to train you kids ever again!"

"You've forbidden Mucha and now Waddell. You're going to exclusively train us now?"

"Damn you and your German logic!"

Asuka smirked. "Now who's hanging around Andy too much?"

"ENOUGH!" John paused to pant his rage into submission,

Shinji approached the balls. "What happens after we can throw these balls Kamehameha-style?"

"You can't throw them yet, so what's the point of telling you? Get started."

Rei remained silent while the others grumbled. They quickly got into a rough line, and attempted to use their ammunition to hit the targets within reasonable throwing distance. Reasonable, of course, if they could actually throw like they were trying to hit something.

After a few minutes, Asuka stopped. "This isn't working! Hey, Mister Trainer, train us!"

"You aren't focusing, Sohryu." John grabbed a ball one-handed and spun it on one finger. "It's true this isn't a good way to throw a ball, but you're not throwing a ball."

Toji stopped mid-throw, dropping his ball. "We're not?"

"You're throwing a Kamehameha Wave. First, you have to believe that as fact. Then you have to focus your energy, every bit of concentration should be on this ball and it going the direction you want to your target." John tossed the ball lightly into the air, dropped into the usual fireball stance, and caught the ball one-handed again. It glowed slightly with blue energy before John gave a shout. "Kamehameha!"

The ball streaked down the range like a neon rocket and nuked the cardboard cutout that was a black crab-squid thing that no one seemed to recognize. John knew it though; the Eighth Angel that wasn't. Of course, the Seventh wasn't either, and it got its own target. He wondered briefly at the inconsistency, then dismissed it with a mental note labeled 'later.'

"But you can't do that yet. So all I ask is for you to try focusing on getting the ball to go straight and we'll work from there."

Almost another hour passed before Rei was regularly pegging the targets. Everyone else was just a hazard.

John waved for everyone to stop after being hit by one of Asuka's strays yet again. "Ow! Quit it, Sohryu! Ok, time to move on!"

Shinji whined. "But, Genoni-senpai, Toji and me can't get close to the targets yet."

"That's not to much of a worry, you're going to be drilling yourselves on this as homework anyway."

"Aw, come on!" Toji shouted.

"Enough with the dirty jokes!" Asuka shouted.

The goon glared the both of them quiet. "Look, the next lesson is counter-striking, so range isn't the issue here, just aim."

"What do you mean counter-striking?" Shinji asked.

"Letting the enemy hit you with whatever they have isn't the way to live long or win the battle. The Angels are quite fond of projectile energy attacks against the Evas and the city itself. So you have to learn how to shoot down these attacks."

The Children stared at him in shock. Had one of the Americans actually said something that made sense? After the shock passed, the kids grinned viciously.

So did John, and when he grinned like that, bad guys checked on their life insurance policies. The grin got upgraded to smile when the kids' faces fell. "So you have to shoot down my energy blasts with those volleyballs, ready?" Completely ignoring the cries that they were in fact not ready, "GO!"

* * *

To be Continued...


End file.
